Trouble with partner's primary and her girlfriend's disrespect

vanilastarfish

New member
So for starters I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 months now. His primary is his wife and she is currently dating my ex (we had broken up about 5 months ago). Recently the primary has been calling me names that are not very polite and accusing me of being disrespectful of my ex, with whom I do not have a bad relationship with but, in the same breath it is not the best. I'm afraid that these events are starting to effect my relationship with my boyfriend because I can no longer suppress my negative feelings about what is happening to me. We communicate about it but, in the past week it seems that this is the main topic of conversation. Also, to add insult to injury, when the primary is asked about the subject she either denies, to my face, avoids answering in group discussions, or will not be able to come up with a way to rationalize it to my boyfriend.
My main questions are how do I proceed when being the bigger person and ignoring it isn't working, and has anyone else experienced a situation similar, or the same as mine, and how did you handle it? Any advice that can be given would be greatly appreciated and well received.
 
Your boyfriend is caught in a difficult spot. He loves his wife; he loves you. The two of you are in conflict. He may not be able to separate his emotions from his thoughts, and so might feel like if he becomes involved in the conflict, he's choosing one of you over the other even if he doesn't want to.

The fact that she's dating your ex is an added layer of complication, maybe especially for you.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with being insulted by your metamour. Personally, I think that any issues between you and your ex are between you and your ex; your metamour would do better to be concerned about *her* relationships with your ex and your boyfriend, rather than becoming negative and belligerent about *your* relationships.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer, especially if your metamour is denying the insults and negative behaviors. If it were me, I would take a long, hard look at whether my relationship with boyfriend is worth the aggravation and frustration of being mistreated by his wife...and I would probably say no, it isn't worth it, my mental health and well-being is more important than any relationship. But that's far easier for me to say than it would be for someone to do.

Would it be possible for you not to have contact with her? Just because you and she are in a relationship with the same man, that doesn't mean you have to speak. If you cut communication with her, she at least wouldn't be able to say these things *to* you, and if she said them to others, she wouldn't be able to deny them.
 
Thank you KC43 for your response. I will say that I value my relationship with my boyfriend very much so that I wish not to lose it. I also understand the position that this all puts him in. I can say that I have never asked him nor will I, to chose between either of us. I honestly can say that I hope things turn around for the best and this can all stop.
I really thank you for the comment about her paying more attention to her relationships rather than one of mine that belongs in the past. It makes more sense to turn her eyes to those things than to focus on me.
Currently I am not on speaking terms with her but, we cohabitate so it makes it harder to get away from her totally.
 
I think it's fine for your bf wife to vent to her bf but her bf should not be passing that info on to you. Just like the wife should not be complaining to her husband to you since he is in a relationship with you, likewise any complaints about the wife should not be directed to your boyfriend. I don't think there should be group discussions, especially not where people are ganging up on one member.

You have a relationship with your boyfriend

Your boyfriend has a relationship with his wife

His wife has a relationship with her boyfriend

You have a friendship with her boyfriend (your ex)

I think she needs to feel safe communicating with her boyfriend and that you and her boyfriend need to have a boundary where he doesn't talk about his private discussions with her. You might just have to be the one who says "stop telling me stuff she says because it upsets me"
 
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How long have you been dating him? 7 months seems quick to move in. Not that you shouldn't, but for your own sake, it can sometimes be best to wait. Now you're finding yourself in conflict WHILE living with your partner and metamour. Maybe this is just a one-off thing, but if this starts to be a constant state of living...I think you're going to be sorely frustrated. It's hard to tell so soon into the relationship.

The other thing is I think it's acceptable, and even appropriate, for your boyfriend to stay out of it.

However, if this truly makes it unbearable, you may want to consider choosing someone with a metamour who clicks with you. Metamours are factors like anything else. I doubt I'd be in a relationship with someone whose friends, family, etc. consistently hated me and made me feel bad about myself.

I know many of my partner's friends and family won't approve when we come out, but his children, his parents, and anyone he cares about treat me with respect and kindness (and his kids adore me). Family is too important for me to date someone and completely be unaffected by the people in their life.
 
"stop telling me stuff she says because it upsets me"

If you haven't said this yet, say it immediately in a statement format... not a question or a polite request. That gossip crap is poison and no good will come of it.

My main questions are how do I proceed when being the bigger person and ignoring it isn't working, and has anyone else experienced a situation similar, or the same as mine, and how did you handle it?

I don't associate with people like this. So, me? I'd tear off the band-aid and find some grown up friends. This sounds like high school.
 
I am sorry you are struggling. You seem to have found that you ignoring it is not working for you. Could change your behavior and be direct while maintaining healthy boundaries instead.

Recently the primary has been calling me names that are not very polite and accusing me of being disrespectful of my ex,

In those shoes? I would say this:

"Could you be willing to tell me what behavior I did or what situation is bothering you? I am willing to help you problem solve if you can approach me without calling me names. That adds to the problems, not take away from the problems.

If you need time to gather your thoughts, we can talk on Friday at 8 PM if you like. Or you can suggest a time.

If you are not after problem solving and what you want is to pick at me with name calling? I'm not up for that.

So are you after problem solving or picking at this time?"​

Then it becomes straightforward for you in terms of your behavior choices.

1) She chooses problem solving -- great.

  • Your suggested time works for her. Meet then.
  • You suggested time does not work for her. She offers new time. You guys negotiate schedule and make appointment date. Meet then.

If you cannot outright eliminate it at this time, work first to REDUCING exposure to it. If you have an appointment, any other time you have an easy answer. "Not at this time. We have appointment for Fri, 8 PM!" so your other days are not wonky crazy. If she is mad she agreed to a time she did not like -- she can be mad at herself then.

2) She chooses picking? Great.

  • You restate you are not willing/able to participate in a pick-fest. You tell her to approach later on when she's ready to problem solve.
  • You check out.
  • You start counting strikes.

It is ok to hit your 3 strike soft limit (I guess, mine is 3, maybe yours is 5 or whatever). Then you could say "This topic is not up for discussion any more. We have tried X times already and it goes nowhere. Let's accept that we cannot solve this ourselves. We can agree to disagree on this one and let it go."

Whether or not you both choose to seek counseling together to try to solve it with a third party is another thing.

Since you cohabitate? I don't know where your hard limit lies, but if she crosses your hard limit of tolerance? Could stop cohabitation, could move out, and could date your BF from there. That also reduces exposure to it.

I cannot think of anything else.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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