Tinder and other dating apps...

veradico

New member
Relatively new poster, but long time lurker in these parts. I did a search for a discussion of Tinder and didn't get many hits - just some blog type posts about how people have met other people on Tinder.

My questions really revolve around using Tinder and other dating apps in an ethical manner. For example, on OKC I can straight away let people know I'm in a committed open relationship. So, if I contact them and they respond, the assumption I make is that they are OK with that.

On Tinder, it's different. Yes, I can put something in my description about being polyamorous, but I have found that my matches increase dramatically when I have no description AT ALL. In other words, the mystery combined with the way I look apparently hooks more people than if I type something.

So, given that Tinder is generally considered a "hook up" app (not at all my experience, by the way - seems most women on there say "not looking for hook-ups"), do I need to disclose I'm in a committed polyamorous relationship? Maybe if it goes on much further than a date or two? Or do I need to disclose this information BEFORE any sexy times happen?

I want to be ethical, but it's hard to know if the woman I'm out with is really just looking for a hook up and doesn't care what my situation is or not (for the record, even if they are just looking to hook up - they always claim they are not!). It's sort of like meeting someone at a bar and having a one night stand. In those situations, I don't feel like I need to say anything about my situation because it's completely irrelevant.

What are your thoughts? Is the presumption on Tinder that all people are just there to hook up (unless otherwise specified), or is there an assumption that even if willing to hook up, you should at least be available for a more conventional relationship if things go that route?
 
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Hi veradico,

If you're just hooking up with someone for a one-night stand, never to cross paths again, then I suppose it doesn't matter that much whether they know you're poly. However I'd say if there's even going to be a second date, then you should notify them of your poly status.

It's different if you're actually looking for a relationship.
 
My advice... be open and honest from the start
 
I had something in my description about an open/poly relationship. If guys read it, I got questions. If they didn't, I made sure to mention it. I only ever met two people in real life, though, and only one actually made it past a first hang out, soooo... I don't have Tinder anymore. haha. I've thought about downloading it again (new phone), but I just don't have the energy yet. :)

So... My advice would be to mention it early on - before you meet. It's definitely pertinent and can make/break a decision since many mono people aren't interested in open relationships of any flavor.
 
I think the only ethical thing to do is to be upfront before any date at all, that you are not available for what most people expect from online dating.

I'd be very unhappy, and feel lied to, if I went on even a first date with someone, thinking one future might be a possibility, only to find out there was never any chance of that.
 
I think I would agree with putting it front and center before the first meeting if it weren't Tinder being discussed. Honestly, I feel like many people ARE on Tinder to hook up, even if it's not the majority, and if that's true it's akin to a ONS and I don't think my being poly needs to be discussed in those situations.

My most recent experience was as such; first date (which was last week) - the conversation turns to "what are you looking for? are you dating?" I said "yes, I'm dating, but not exclusively" and "I'm looking for something pretty casual and fun." She agreed and thought that was pretty inline with what she's looking for. There was a good connection on the date and we shared a goodbye kiss. We planned a second date (which took place last night). Before anything happened (i.e. more kissing), I brought up the fact that I don't believe in monogamy and am dating someone pretty seriously. It sparks a very interesting conversation that continues for the rest of the date (a few hours). Really great energy, lots of questions.

At the end of the night, she says, "Well, you're fascinating and I really like you, but I don't think this is for me. I do want to give you one last kiss, but that will be all I can give you. After tonight we're just going to be friends." We kissed, it was great, we hugged and said goodbye and stay in touch.

We now have another "date" planned (friendly date) because she wants to meet my significant other and ask some more questions - though she continues to be clear that she is just curious and does not want to get involved.

I thought that was a pretty good reaction and I like the way I handled it. Was it ethical or not? I think it was. I think the disclosure came soon enough, before too much time was invested, and that is the feedback she gave me as well, so I think I'll try this out going forward. If I start getting a lot of negative feedback, I will consider being more up front.

Thanks for the comments.
 
Probably the reason Tinder doesn't get discussed much here on these boards is because it's known to be for casual sex and one night stands. I have never heard of anyone using Tinder to meet someone to date with a goal of building toward a relationship. I only know it as an app where you can find someone willing to spread their legs and available "tonight," or "right now" - not much better than a sex ad on Craigslist. At least, that is what its reputation has become. Since polyamory is more about loving relationships, it stands to reason that there is not much about Tinder here. But I agree that it probably doesn't matter whether you state you are poly or not in Tinder, since it is mostly sex-focused.

On other venues, like OKC, some people feel being up front right away is crucial while others feel it isn't necessary unless and until you have met them and feel like you want to continue seeing them.

There have been about a million discussion threads here on this topic, if you do a search.
 
I did a search for a discussion of Tinder and didn't get many hits - just some blog type posts about how people have met other people on Tinder.

I did a search and didn't come up with much. Sorry if this is repetitive.

Also, I have a friend in NYC who basically confirms what you have said: in NYC Tinder is solely for hook ups. That is not the case where I live.
 
Also, I have a friend in NYC who basically confirms what you have said: in NYC Tinder is solely for hook ups. That is not the case where I live.
Oh, that is interesting. Didn't know that -- but of course I am a New Yorker and we tend to think NYC is the center of the universe, LOL.

I did a search and didn't come up with much. Sorry if this is repetitive.
I didn't mean to search for threads about Tinder; I meant there are lots of threads about meeting people and when it is recommended to reveal yourself as poly in dating. Have you checked out the "Links to Threads Worth Reading" in our Golden Nuggets forum? You can also do a Tag Search for "Meeting People." Lots of useful discussions, even if they are old posts - and if you like to gather up opinions, there are many.
 
I have read a few of those threads and guess I didn't feel like they addressed the issue in this specific context (Tinder).

Either that, or maybe I'm just not very good at extrapolating. ;)

I'll go back and read them again. It's been a while. Thanks so much and here's wishing you a life full of love. :)
 
I have been out of this so long, thanks for posting this. Fascinating. I liked the way you handled it and I hope you find someone because you seem like you have really nice energy.

I am going to see what tinder is about though now, you got my curiosity. I had a profile on OKC and POF but it just wasn't for me. AFF was even worse but I met one really nice person who I have kept in touch with mostly just hi how are you... I really dig that. What I did find is if there's an interest in something like some hobbies have chat room, not for poly) if I chat long enough I can disclose my poly status. However, I have not really been "looking" for a long while, it is still nice to make connections and not have been judged.
 
I have not really been "looking" for a long while

That's where I am right now. I have been "looking" for about a year with no luck. I mean, I have met women who are willing to date me, but I either don't want to date them or they end up wanting "too much" from me.

I'm taking a break. So. Done. With. Dating.
 
Heh ... that sentiment gives you an idea of why I deleted my OKCupid and PolyMatchMaker accounts (forever and ever amen).
 
I have to agree with all of! As a lady, I would prefer knowing everything I have to know during the first time we meet. It would make things easier for both of us anyway. Internet dating has come far. Now there are tons of dating services devoted to matching individuals with very comparable interests. One website, Cupidtino, is committed wholly to fans of Apple products and the site has just released its own application for iPhone. In spite of these numerous websites, I would have to day, honesty plays a very important role. Now, in regards to paying for your dates (when you meet of course), you may want to consider getting a personal loan just in case.
 
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Tinder just an dating app

Tinder is better than many other dating apps,but the users are humans ,in fact you are always face to humans who you haven't know . Tinder is different from college dating apps, Tinder 's user are all the human ,so you may face many different people ,and the question is coming .
 
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