Issue with staying the night

optima

New member
Hello all,

Thank you for reading my first post EVER!

My issue is that spending the night at someone's place has always been off limits for my husband.
Now he spent the night at his gfs for the first time with my permission! It went totally fine.

That was last week.
This week she asked if he wanted to spend the night again. And I don't like it at all.

I feel like because I was ok with it once I have to be ok with it after every of their dates now... And if I'm not then I'm behaving like the mean jealous wife.

I want to become more relaxed and a better partner for my wonderful husband.

But I just feel so sad. I have no clear idea why this irks me so much! I would love to get some advice from all of you for dealing with this.


A little background:

I'm 27, female, been with my husband for 3 years.
I've known that I want to live in (at least) an open relationship since my first bf at 18.
Our relationship has been open for most of our time together.

I've read all the famous books, been to lots of workshops and have tonnes of poly/open friends. The thing is, they all know my husband and his gf and I'd rather not tell them about my current emotional, irrational big saaaad!
 
What are you comfortable with? Once a month? Once a week? Was that supposed to be a one-time deal? Of course your husband's girlfriend wants to be able to spend a night with him sometimes. Wouldn't you if you were her?

When I first wanted to spend the night with someone, I asked my husband for once a month at first, and agreed to give him a few days' warning so he could find people to hang with. Hopefully you can come to some terms that satisfy everyone.
 
Hi optima,

Re (from OP):
"I feel like, because I was okay with it once, I have to be okay with it after every of their dates now ... and if I'm not, then I'm behaving like the mean jealous wife."

Just cause you're jealous, doesn't mean you're mean. :)

In my observation and experience, jealousy is usually rooted in a specific set of fears, or an aching for certain needs that aren't being met.

Which is it for you? Is it both? What specifically are you afraid will happen if your husband keeps sleeping with this woman? Do you have any needs that aren't being met for you, but seemingly are being met for her?

Or, is staying the night something special for just you and your husband, and you don't want it to lose its specialness?
 
Can you open up communication with them and just say something like, "I'm sorry - I don't want to mislead anyone, but this is still something that is difficult for me, and still needs to be handled on a case-by-case basis until things start feeling better."

It may just be best to go with bare-naked honesty at this point.
 
Issue with staying over

Thank you all for the input!!! I really appreciate it :)

I figured out (after thinking about it for three days and talking to my husband)
that I was so sad and angry was because I have no way to talk to the girlfriend.

If I don't want my husband to sleep over at her place I can't discuss it with her. She has no say. YET. (And all the books I read say that that is really bad).
She hasn't yet made it to 'official gf' status just yet. Plus she is painfully shy (at least compared to me) and very inexperienced (love, sex, polytheory)

Right now I feel responsible for my feelings and hers. I don't think that she would advocate for her needs. I'm not sure she would know how. Or that she is allowed to!

My husband is a wonderful, kind and respectful guy. I think that he's a very fine first partner for her. But starting your love life off in a poly constellation is not the easiest route to go for most people.

I feel like this relationship has to be handled with extra care and I feel a little lonely doing that sometimes.
Both husband and his gf are winging it from where I stand. They think being nice and hoping for the best is enough to not hurt anyone's feelings...

I asked my husband to tell his gf all of this.

I'm hoping she will try to talk to me or email me (we are FB friends).
If she doesn't, should I write her?
 
Re:
"I don't think that she would advocate for her needs."

IMO, that is strictly her responsibility. Not yours. If she doesn't complain about something, then you are obliged to assume she is okay with it. She needs to correct your assumption herself if it is erroneous.

Re:
"I'm not sure she would know how. Or that she is allowed to!"

IMO: that, too, is her responsibility. She needs to do some thinking and figure out that it's up to her to advocate for her needs. She needs to get some practice at advocating for her needs until she gains some skill in that area. These are not things that you can do for her. You can tell her all day that she is allowed to advocate for her needs; she's not going to believe it unless/until she figures it out for herself.

Is there anything else besides that that's stopping you from talking with her?

Re:
"I'm hoping she will try to talk to me or email me (we are FB friends). If she doesn't, should I write her?"

Absolutely you should. Tell her what your needs are, then ask her to tell you what her needs are.

That's my advice anyway.
 
issue resolved now looking for long term solution

I haven't talked to her about her relationship with my husband yet, partly because it's still very new and also because she's not someone I'd be close friends with on my own.

She's just so shy and reserved and I think that she is clueless. It's hard for me to like her. (I hope to like her in the future though. I don't know her well enough yet!)

I understand why my husband likes her. She's is extremely different to me and he's enjoying their budding sexual connection.

None of this makes me want to reach out to her. But I feel like I must in order to create ways of communication now that things are new and good...

My husband will speak to her about advocating for herself. I agree that this is something she has to learn. But I think it's totally fine and polite behavior to tell her once ;-)


Btw he will not spend the night this Wednesday. We are searching for an alternative date that works well for everyone.
 
You could decide that once a week each of you can go spend the night elsewhere. That way you can both enjoy an over night with a loved one. Sounds like she likes yo husband and enjoyed the sleepover.

I wouldn't worry about discussing with her about her relationship with her boyfriend. Yes he may be married to you but it's their relationship not yours.
 
Communicating with my metamour - or not?!

Hi inyourendo,

Sure we could start the rule of 'once a week sleepovers'. That would not solve the problem of scheduling conflicts though.

She wanted him this Wednesday night.

He is out of town mo-wed so I didnt want him gone Wednesday night. So I said no.
And then I felt bad about making the decision without any input from her.

In my initial post I hadn't yet figured out that that was my problem.

I don't want to be the all mighty primary who gets to decide by hersef.

Now my question is if/when I should communicating with her or if it's ok to just let them figure it out without me. And if it's ok to just say no to stuff if I don't feel like it...
 
How far in advance can you schedule?

Can the three of you meet at the beginning of each month to figure out what will happen each week (and when)?

It sounds like you have a V with your husband at the hinge. He can be a go-between some of the time, but a three-person sit-down now and then would be helpful. At least that's my take on it.
 
My personal opinion would be that his time with her is between them. He and she should be planning the times that they see each other, including sleepovers, and then he should be coming to you to let you know what the plans are and give you an opportunity to accept or oppose them.

Different people run their polyships different ways, so it's really down to what works best for the three of you. To me, though, if you're in a V, it's the hinge's responsibility to make sure things are running smoothly and to communicate with both partners. That's the responsibility I take between Hubby and S2. It isn't, for example, up to Hubby to contact S2 and say "Hey, she can't spend the night with you on Saturday because it's my nephew's birthday"; it's up to Hubby to tell *me* he would prefer I not see S2 that night, and up to *me* to pass that information along to S2 and adjust our plans.

Edited to add: I was typing when Kevin posted. For *some* V's, a three-person status check discussion works, but for others, it doesn't. I don't think any of the three of us in my situation would feel comfortable doing that; I had enough trouble getting the guys to meet once, and Hubby very much despises "serious discussions" about anything. So again, it's down to what works best for you, your husband, and your girlfriend; the rest of us can only advise based on our own experiences and opinions.
 
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Hi inyourendo,

Sure we could start the rule of 'once a week sleepovers'. That would not solve the problem of scheduling conflicts though.

She wanted him this Wednesday night.

He is out of town mo-wed so I didnt want him gone Wednesday night. So I said no.
And then I felt bad about making the decision without any input from her.

In my initial post I hadn't yet figured out that that was my problem.

I don't want to be the all mighty primary who gets to decide by hersef.

Now my question is if/when I should communicating with her or if it's ok to just let them figure it out without me. And if it's ok to just say no to stuff if I don't feel like it...

How about a permanent schedule? I spend tue and sat nights with sam. If I happen to work on a night that would be for him then he misses out. Likewise I spend thur, fri and sun wirh nate, If I work and he misses out that I just how it is.

If her night is wed, then that is her night unless he chooses to cancel. If he was gone mon-wed and wanted to relax at home instead of seeing her then thats his choice. If he decided to see her then you'd just have to wait until Thursday to see him. Obviously id he's gone every mon-wed then maybe thur, fri, or sat can bw her night so you can be with him before he goes and when he gets back.

Sounds like at this point in time you haven't established any agreement about a permanent schedule so for you to tell your husband that you wanted him to be with you is fine. You don't need her imput on that because its just something she desires not something that she's entitled to.
 
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How about a permanent schedule? I spend tue and sat nights with sam. If I happen to work on a night that would be for him then he misses out. Likewise I spend thur, fri and sun wirh nate, If I work and he misses out that I just how it is.

This is what Chops, Xena, and I do, and it seems to work out pretty well. Instead of set days, Chops spends two days with me, then two with Xena - lather, rinse, repeat. If something comes up to perturb the schedule, we're usually pretty good about rescheduling days around to make up for it.

Emergencies are emergencies (when my mom died, he was up with me for a few days with no rescheduling, and he will be getting his gall bladder out soon, which will necessitate him being at his other home for a few days as well), and don't really factor in to rescheduling anything.

Your mileage may vary, but having a schedule of some sort may help alleviate the stress when one night isn't available.
 
I wouldn't communicate with her personally. That is his job. If it's not something previously agreed on then you are perfectly in your right to say no.

If she has an established night of the week, you don't get to day no.

If she wants time that is allocated for you then you are in your rights to say no. For instance if sat night was your night but she invited him to a concert but you we're not willing to share your time you could say no.

I believe that in all fairness you should have some flexibility. Like certain days could be a hard no. Those days you absolutely are not willing to give. But some days are your husbands choice, so you might say you Don't want him to go, he still has the right to if he wants and you won't be mad if he chooses to go on a date with her.

We have ut set up where fri and sun are my nights with nate and those I will not budge on and he knows better not to ask. Between work, school, and sam he has plenty of time to choose to aee others without infringing on my time with him
 
I'm just not seeing how you not being able to talk to her affects him getting to do sleepovers at all? Her asking for Wednesday night wasn't asking for what she wants or advocating for herself? And even if she doesn't what does that have to do with you? Either overnights are on the table or they're not. If they are then you have to give your husband the parameters you're comfortable with and let the 2 of them work out their own details. Just seems you want an unhealthy level of control over their relationship.
 
Now my question is if/when I should communicating with her or if it's ok to just let them figure it out without me. And if it's ok to just say no to stuff if I don't feel like it...

It seems to me that it is his schedule we are talking about, not yours. He's either spending time with you or he's spending time with her (or doing one of a thousand other things). I presume he can make these decisions on his own. While you might be tempted to get in there and flex VETO rights over what he does with his time, you may want to reconsider exercising that kind of power over someone who is your equal.

It's important that in these early stages you remember the tone you are setting for the relationship. If you want to have a relationship among adults and equals then it is important to let people take care of their own schedules and to guide their own destinies.
 
Hi inyourendo,

Sure we could start the rule of 'once a week sleepovers'. That would not solve the problem of scheduling conflicts though.

She wanted him this Wednesday night.

He is out of town mo-wed so I didnt want him gone Wednesday night. So I said no.
And then I felt bad about making the decision without any input from her.

In my initial post I hadn't yet figured out that that was my problem.

I don't want to be the all mighty primary who gets to decide by hersef.

Now my question is if/when I should communicating with her or if it's ok to just let them figure it out without me. And if it's ok to just say no to stuff if I don't feel like it...

I think you need to accept that its okay for you to say no too. Poly looks different to everyone. My partners and metamours have primary and secondary relationships. I know not everyone likes that but given that we have kids and families and lives, it is what works for us. In our relationships we put our primary's needs first because they are the ones we have built a life with. Sometimes that means me and Honey put our relationship second to our primaries.

Lovey is not okay with me doing overnights with Honey so at this time we do not have overnights. He needs to feel that our relationship is important and right now he is not ready for overnights. So Honey and I respect that. You need to advocate your needs not hers. But being respectful of her needs when she does choose to advocate them is important too.
 
It's important that in these early stages you remember the tone you are setting for the relationship. If you want to have a relationship among adults and equals then it is important to let people take care of their own schedules and to guide their own destinies.

This.

I ask Mal for time. He either says no right away because of some known conflict or checks their (insanely complicated) google calendars and then he double checks/discusses it with Djinn. If there is no conflict I get the time. In the end it is HIS choice, with both my and her input.
 
Sirreal sucks at scheduling. Thus lady and I set up a shared calendar. We also all 3 discussed our needs and reached agreement about visits etc as things became more serious.

When I first started dating sirreal, overnights were sporadic and he scheduled with me. Or got back with me after I asked about specific events I wanted him to attend with me. This was a hassle as he stinks at planning. Thus lady and I got together and things evolved over time. First I
had a standing weeknight overnight, then I would come up on weekends, now it various but depending on the week I have sleepovers 2 to 4 nights.

For now go with what is comfortable for you. If you need to open lines of communication. Put an invite out to talk to her. Let her know it's not a requirement(since you don't want to be the big bad primary) but something that could be helpful. If she doesn't respond then it's between you and your guy to figure out what works for you. And for your guy and her to discuss what works for them.
 
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