Falling for a new lover who has a primary

spotthezebra

New member
I met this guy less than a month ago. We super connected and spent a lot of time together. He has a primary relationship with a girl who's out of the country until the beginning of the year. One of the things that I really like doing in situations like this is meeting my partner's partners, and seeing what their relationship is like, so I see the other partner as a human and can set boundaries for myself mentally. But since she's not here, not only does he have more time to spend with me, but I also don't have anything showing me what boundaries to set. And so I'm getting into deep like with this guy, and have no idea what to expect when she comes back in January. I know it's at least somewhat mutual based on our connection. He's already told me things he hasn't told her because he already trusts me.
I don't normally get this vulnerable, and the possibility that this could become really painful when she comes back is terrifying. But at the same time, I don't want to hold myself back. He does make me really happy and I love being with him.
I hate thinking that maybe he'll realize he cares more about me, because that isn't fair to her. It's just so hard when I don't know what their relationship is like, and haven't seen them together.
 
Hi and welcome :)

Some serious red flags are flying for me based on your post:

- You have known your new guy for a month and are both high on NRE.
- His primary is out of the country until early 2015.
- He's telling you things he hasn't told his primary... and he's admitting this to you.
- You're having trouble setting your own boundaries.
- You're feeling too vulnerable. Things are moving too fast.

I would exercise some real caution here. While it might be that you've really met somebody extremely rare and special, and you might live happily ever after with him, it's up to you to manage your own NRE.

While I always used to feel extremely special when new lovers said things like "I rarely trust anyone this quickly" "I've never even told my primary this" etc., in my experience, it's always repeated itself in an unpleasant way down the line. For instance, I've found that people who were quick to fall into NRE with me became enraptured with others just as quickly afterwards. Meaning? I was old news, just as their primary had become old news. Partners who've kept secrets from their other partners have later gone on to keep things from me. Nowadays, I tread carefully when I see new lovers exhibiting these signs. They give me pause, not encouragement. This doesn't mean I walk away, but it does mean that I try to gain perspective and remind myself not to get carried away with projections and hopes.

I think that your strategy of meeting your metamours to manage your expectations is a great idea. Is there any way you can virtually meet your new lover's primary before she returns?

Failing this, why not talk to your new guy about your concerns? Tell him that you want to know what to expect when she returns? Ask him if he's been honest with her about how connected you've become? Ask him if their relationship is a valued one?

In summary? Slow down, take pause, communicate! :)
 
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Yeah, I'm sensing a lot of ego here. The most likely scenario, statistically speaking, is that the primary comes home, and the new girl gets pushed aside. Possibly even vetoed.

I'm wondering if the OP is trying to protect her own feelings by coming up with scenarios in which the guy prefers her to the girlfriend, or even chooses her over the other woman.

Even if the OP is right, I'd not want anything to do with a guy who can so easily replace someone he cares about. To find a new girlfriend, while the other is away? Not the kind of guy I would want.
 
Hi and welcome :)

Some serious red flags are flying for me based on your post:

- You have known your new guy for a month and are both high on NRE.
- His primary is out of the country until early 2015.
- He's telling you things he hasn't told his primary... and he's admitting this to you.
- You're having trouble setting your own boundaries.
- You're feeling too vulnerable. Things are moving too fast.

I would exercise some real caution here. While it might be that you've really met somebody extremely rare and special, and you might live happily ever after with him, it's up to you to manage your own NRE.

While I always used to feel extremely special when new lovers said things like "I rarely trust anyone this quickly" "I've never even told my primary this" etc., in my experience, it's always repeated itself in an unpleasant way down the line. For instance, I've found that people who were quick to fall into NRE with me became enraptured with others just as quickly afterwards. Meaning? I was old news, just as their primary had become old news. Partners who've kept secrets from their other partners have later gone on to keep things from me. Nowadays, I tread carefully when I see new lovers exhibiting these signs. They give me pause, not encouragement. This doesn't mean I walk away, but it does mean that I try to gain perspective and remind myself not to get carried away with projections and hopes.

I think that your strategy of meeting your metamours to manage your expectations is a great idea. Is there any way you can virtually meet your new lover's primary before she returns?

Failing this, why not talk to your new guy about your concerns? Tell him that you want to know what to expect when she returns? Ask him if he's been honest with her about how connected you've become? Ask him if their relationship is a valued one?

In summary? Slow down, take pause, communicate! :)

Thank you. That was very helpful. I just want to point out that she knows about me. He just has told me things about himself he hasn't told her.

Although it's been such a short time, I don't normally get NRE like this. It's definitely special.

I really like the idea of trying to meet her anyway. He skypes with her and I can ask to join sometime and see how that goes. It's not perfect but it's better than nothing.

I really do appreciate your pointing out your concerns.
 
Hi spotthezebra,

Re (from OP):
"He's already told me things he hasn't told her because he already trusts me."

Any particular reason why he hasn't told her those things? Are we talking about little things or big things?

I don't see as many red flags as sparklepop did, but that doesn't mean some communication isn't in order. If there's stuff you're worried about, or wondering about, by all means ask him. And chat with her via skype when you get the chance.

I wish you well and hope you'll keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Updates:

We got to talk last night. Basically, their polyamory is pretty one-sided. She's not into it, but it's part of who she is so she lets him see other people. If I meet her, it won't be anytime soon because she will see me as competition and get jealous. But she knows about me and everything we've done. She says she's okay with it but isn't really. Again, she knows this is part of who he is, and she's just willing to accept it because she cares about him and wants to be with him even if it means he won't be monogamous.

Before she left, he didn't see anyone too seriously. But that doesn't mean he'll stop seeing me when she gets back. It will just be less often.

I feel bad for her putting herself through this. But they do really care about each other even though there's definitely compatibility issues between them.
 
Sounds like they have something of a DADT arrangement. I don't generally recommend DADT, but I know it works for some people. Just do the best you can from your end, and keep us updated if you're willing!
 
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