Balancing new infatuation with keeping my primary happy

2muchluv

New member
Hello all! I was just wondering if anyone had any tips on how to balance an infatuation with a potential new partner with the desire to keep my primary happy and confident in our relationship. When talking about others, my primary seems very comfortable and open. He also says nothing bothers him as long as we are open and honest. We have both agreed that no matter what happens with anyone else, our relationship and family will always take top priority, and that we won't date others who don't respect that. When I talk about being attracted to other people, flirting, etc. he is fine, but if I tell him a story in which another man made me happy or feel good (not sexually) he seems to get jealous, although he tries to hide and deny it. But he turns insecure at the thought of someone else making me laugh or just feel good emotionally. This is unfortunate because I want to share these things with him, just like he could share with me. Also because I'm not looking for other people to sleep with, I'm looking for relationships. (If they eventually lead to sex so be it, but that's not my priority) Any advice? Thoughts?
 
Sounds like your guy is on board with opening your relationship. Congrats! Glad to hear you two are on the same page about polyshipping.

As for the jealousy, what I found with my husband is that I needed to "give him permission" to talk about his jealous feelings (not in a controlling way, but in a "I'm inviting you to talk about this, if you're interested and willing.") Through lots of communication, he shared with me that he didn't want to express any jealousy, because he didn't want me to think I should end my relationship with my other guy. I had to normalize his feelings quite a bit, and he really only opened up after I shared my jealousy related to his relationship with his girlfriend. Jealousy is to be expected whenever relationship structures change, and there's a difference between feeling jealous and acting on that jealousy.

He may be all for the idea of polyshipping, but struggle with it actually happening (even if it's just another guy making you happy). I wonder if letting him know that this is completely normal and natural might make him feel more comfortable talking about this feelings. I understand that you're not in another relationship yet, but could any of his feelings be related to the three concepts offered up in this article? http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell. I'd also encourage him to share on this forum, if he needs a space to talk outside of your and his relationship.

In the end, if he's not willing to talk about his jealousy, I say you take him at his word that he wants you to be free to date other people and proceed. He may be simply anxiously anticipating how your and his relationship might change, but not able to put his finger on what's difficult right now. Might be easier to process that after you start dating someone.

Just a few random thoughts! Keep us posted! :)
 
Hi 2muchluv,

I was wondering if you could ease off on the telling your primary partner about when another guy makes you feel good emotionally. I know you probably want to share everything with him, but could you put "training wheels on his bicycle" until he gets better at processing the information?

How can you tell that he gets jealous, turns insecure? What are the signs? He did say nothing bothers him as long as you are open and honest, so either he didn't realize that certain things would bother him, or could there be a miscommunication happening somewhere, or ...?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Signs

Kevin,

Yes I could definitely put the "training wheels" back on. I think that would be wise. I was just confused because we are not to the point of sleeping with other people, and based on his response to this I'm not sure he is as comfortable with things as he thinks. I think you are right though, since it is new I think it will just take a little more processing and patience. I think it is perhaps more difficult for him to process because he has never been in a relationship like this before. His happiness is still my main concern so I'll take it as easy as he needs me too.

As far as the signs that he was jealous: when I began talking about it he immediately lost his smile, tensed up, and began asking loaded questions to which no answer I could have come up with would have made me sound good. For example, instead of asking me if I had fun going out, he asked me, "Did you have fun going out without me?" I know him very well. I know his tone, expressions, etc. and the question was along the lines of a guilt trip style question. Anyway, we have since talked and he acknowledged that it wasn't fair, and apologized. I also apologized for getting upset about his jealousy though because it is new and jealousy is to be expected to some extent. The fact that we could talk about it later with no issues is a good sign. :)

Thank you so much for your response! I'm just trying to make sure he never feels replaced or displaced! He has more hang ups about me connecting with someone than he does about him connecting with someone, but I think that must be normal too right?

2ml
 
Right, that would be normal.

It does sound like he bit off more than he could chew. I would just water the poly down for him for a little while and then work up to the heavier stuff by degrees. He'll probably be okay with it eventually.
 
Yeah I think once he sees that it isn't impacting our relationship then he will feel better about it. I'll just hit the pause button for awhile. My other question would be, do I wait and let him bring the conversation up again? I don't want to push the issue.

2ml
 
Yeah I think once he sees that it isn't impacting our relationship then he will feel better about it. I'll just hit the pause button for awhile. My other question would be, do I wait and let him bring the conversation up again? I don't want to push the issue.

2ml

Don't forget that if you pause, he may not wait around.
 
2much, I am more like your primary guy, in that I'm happy to share, but do not feel comfortable with hearing the details. The only way to know exactly how much is too much is to bump up against the edges of "too much" and those edges are felt rather than decscribed. What's important is that you each respect the other's edges - and respect your own edges. Respect doesn't always necessarily take the form of talking and establishing boundaries verbally. We can often feel (as you've described) the boundary of where we and our partners feel comfortable and that is essential infomation in a relationship. I know that for myself, what I want to be able to handle is sometimes beyond what I can handle at the moment, which causes some dissonance (AKA jealousy!) for me to work on. I'm all for talking about feelings as a discussion arises, but it's also good to know that respectfully backing off a perceived "uh oh zone" is also part of a harmonious ongoing love relationship. Being gentle with our partners and with ourselves usually leads to good things ahead.
 
Re (from 2muchluv):
"My other question would be, do I wait and let him bring the conversation up again?"

What's the longest you'd want to wait? Wait that long and then bring it up yourself. If he brings it up before then, that's great.
 
You could ask him how much information he wants. I have never had to deal with my husband being interested in someone else so I'm unsure how I would cope but he needs as many details as I feel comfortable giving even if that makes him feel transiently uncomfortable because longterm he becomes more comfortable by feeling it and moving past it as well as being reassured that the fact that I'm talking to him means I'm still investing in my relationship with him iyswim.
 
You both raise valid points. I have told him I would prefer to know what's going on, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will tell me. I think there might be a slight double standard too. I'm bi, and he has told me he wants to hear when it's about women but isn't as sure when it's about men. To me it's like you either want to hear all or none because my relationships with women aren't for entertainment purposes. Is this a guy thing? Or maybe I should just play according to his rules? Thoughts? I want to know what's going on mostly to make sure we are both on the same page, and because I want to know he is being treated well by others. In other words, I don't want him to be with someone who wants to manipulate him, doesn't respect his family, or treats him badly (and those people are out there!)
 
It seems like some men feel less threatened when their metamour is a woman. They can think, "She can't supply what a man can supply, so I can't be replaced by her."

You can tell him more about the women you see if you want to, but don't have to if that makes you uncomfortable. He doesn't need to have every little whim indulged.
 
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