Interesting waters

Gar86

New member
I wrote about this in my introduction but again hello everyone!

So my amazing wife and I of almost a decade hit somewhat of a problem a couple of months back. I know she loves me and she will hands down say she loves me but does not know if she can be monogamous in our relationship forever. We met at 14 and boom been together ever since. After addressing her fear and her "mistakes" as she calls them (her attempt to fill that void) she came to me saying that she felt she needed to release me from this doomed life with her. Her fears as far as I can tell are she doesn't want me to feel strung along while she can do whatever or that her "problems" in her mind will hurt me too much and I will change.

So the initial discussion went not so great I was an ass. Not that I was downing her for feeling the way she was, but I was quick to say that maybe she should just seperate and do her own thing. This did not go well because she became more distant. So one night I started thumbing through the internet (nothing bad ever happens doing that) and came upon a post about polyamory and how we can make it what we want.

So now she is still apprehensive and unsure but knows I'm here because I love her. She initially was defensive thinking I was doing this just to rationalize me finding a women but that quickly changed. She just has so many fears and can't get by them. She has a man she has been talking to and went to see. I know she has feelings for him but he's not even ready for more so it's a good slow start. I just don't know where else to go to help get rid of her fears. I got some good books to look at from the moderator but any other advice.

Even if this guy didn't work out this is the first time I think she can maybe see an option that doesn't make her different.
 
She initially was defensive thinking I was doing this just to rationalize me finding a women but that quickly changed.

I hope she isn't one of those women who is okay with dating others, but won't let her partner date...
 
I just don't know where else to go to help get rid of her fears. I got some good books to look at from the moderator but any other advice.

Fear is intensely personal and rarey has much to do with what's actually happening in the moment, so it's rather impossible to truly alleviate someone else's fear. It's an internal drama. Of course you're motivated by loving her and by wanting to keep your relationship together and that is wonderful, but shining a big spotlight on her fears is not going to make them go away. She has to do that work. The absolute best approach to another's fear is to have confidence the other and see the him/her as a whole, capable, confident individual. That's who she is under all of the fear - complete and whole and happy and that's where you want your spotlight to shine. The more that you feel complete and whole and happy, the more of that sunshine you'll be able to spread on her. That's how we ultimately help others, by being the very traits that we want to see in them. Books and words help, but words only go so far. Be the change that you want to see in everyone around you and exude confidence that, at heart, all is well. When we choose to see people in a different light, the whole world can shift.
 
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Hi Gar86; we meet again. ;)

In case four books isn't enough I can recommend a few more :), but for something more fun, how about some poly movies?

  • "December Bride" (1990).
  • "A Small Circle of Friends" (1980).
  • "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" (2008).
  • "Bandits" (2001).
  • "Paint Your Wagon" (1969).
  • "Threesome" (1994).
  • "Three" (2010).
If you and your wife like sitting down to a good movie, pop some popcorn as appropriate and rent one or more of these films. December Bride is my fave but they're all good.

Then like, after you watch a movie, you can discuss what you liked and disliked about it, as well as what you learned from it.

For more movie ideas, we have a Polyamory in movies/music/art? thread.

[shrug] Might be a way to broach certain subjects that would be too hard to broach some other way.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Irregardless of her feelings on me having another partner I'm not even looking for a partner. There are several reasons but the biggest is I don't want another one. I'm happy and that's all that matters. If we stayed doing this and one day I wanted to we would discuss it the same way we discussed her decision. I will say that before this started some of the things we would have never talked about nut now we're much more open and trusting which is awesome. Who knows the future though!
 
Re:
"Regardless of her feelings on me having another partner I'm not even looking for a partner. There are several reasons but the biggest is I don't want another one."

Exactly how I feel. (I'm in an MFM V -- each guy has just the lady, but the lady has both guys. Some would say that sounds unfair ... but it works for us.)
 
Irregardless of her feelings on me having another partner I'm not even looking for a partner. There are several reasons but the biggest is I don't want another one. I'm happy and that's all that matters. If we stayed doing this and one day I wanted to we would discuss it the same way we discussed her decision. I will say that before this started some of the things we would have never talked about nut now we're much more open and trusting which is awesome. Who knows the future though!

Because you are allowed to, it doesnt mean you HAVE to. She wants to be fair by granting you the same consent she has from you.
 
Alright-- lets see if I can better explain things (this is the wife-- hi!!). I have been very hesitant to post because I feel like I should be a bit more understanding of the lifestyle (educated) before doing so. I have already been burned and at this point finding someone who is set in the boundaries and expectations might be best to learn the ways? Im not sure to be honest. It kind of just happened the first time and sadly, things didnt go as I had hoped. He was never poly and some people are not cut out for it. I am not saying I would never be open to a female (for him-- his choice to be mono) but its far from what I am looking for at this point. We are very open in communication, thankfully but everyone has different relationships.
 
Do not bring someone into your life if your marriage is broken. Poly is hard enough if you're coming from a ideal place. It will highlight every flaw in your existing relationship with a spotlight and magnifying glass.

Honestly if you think you can make poly into what you want by forcing relationships into some preset mold you're going to fail. Relationships are fluid things that grow and change over time not rigid things that can be molded to full some hole in your life.
 
Hold on... my marriage isnt broken. The first male was not a poly person (had no idea how to handle it all as far as boundaries and expectations and neither did we for that matter). My husband and I are fine. :eek: This is why I dont post. My husband and I have been together half of our lives. We are fine. But thank you and that makes sense for sure
 
Let me see if I can re word this :-/ My husband and I had a talk way before any of this happened. The just kind of happening was in regards to the male. I dont have unrealistic expectations, but am still learning. That male did not work out at all. It is easier to laugh than to cry, at least for me. It hurts, yes, but again, we are talking very very short term in the big scheme of things and he was always hot and cold (attempt at poly). The marriage base is fine. That still does not mean that we or he would want to be anything but mono but at the end of the day that is his choice (husband). Hope that makes more sense.
 
Gar, it's evident from your post and your husband's posts that you two have ongoing and mutually satisfying communication. I'm not sure how "broken" entered into the discussion. You clearly have a solid foundation in your marriage. I'd like to hear more from you, as I'm in a similar situation. Hope you stick around. :)
 
I wrote about this in my introduction but again hello everyone!

So my amazing wife and I of almost a decade hit somewhat of a problem a couple of months back. I know she loves me and she will hands down say she loves me but does not know if she can be monogamous in our relationship forever. We met at 14 and boom been together ever since. After addressing her fear and her "mistakes" as she calls them (her attempt to fill that void) she came to me saying that she felt she needed to release me from this doomed life with her. Her fears as far as I can tell are she doesn't want me to feel strung along while she can do whatever or that her "problems" in her mind will hurt me too much and I will change.

So the initial discussion went not so great I was an ass. Not that I was downing her for feeling the way she was, but I was quick to say that maybe she should just seperate and do her own thing. This did not go well because she became more distant. So one night I started thumbing through the internet (nothing bad ever happens doing that) and came upon a post about polyamory and how we can make it what we want.

So now she is still apprehensive and unsure but knows I'm here because I love her. She initially was defensive thinking I was doing this just to rationalize me finding a women but that quickly changed. She just has so many fears and can't get by them. She has a man she has been talking to and went to see. I know she has feelings for him but he's not even ready for more so it's a good slow start. I just don't know where else to go to help get rid of her fears. I got some good books to look at from the moderator but any other advice.

Even if this guy didn't work out this is the first time I think she can maybe see an option that doesn't make her different.

This talk is of an initial discussion that happened some time ago and us being brutally honest. Nothing can come of NOT being honest in a scenario like this. Again, we are completely new. We were also 20 when "mistakes" happened. I am not 20 anymore. Its hard to remember what happens and evolves in people when they are together since the age of 14. We are far from being perfect in life but that is why we are here, and posting. Education. Im not trying to pretend to be anything I am not and perfect is not part of it, though I wish it were.
 
Thanks HappilyFallenAngel! Im not sure how everyone comes into this lifestyle. For us... or me, it is not an easy one. It is confusing!! Emotionally and all that jazz. Again, im learning and sound very defensive I am sure. I am already so unsure about this that I was already worried about explaining some stuff to my regular life and some to a poly world. It is hard when "starting out" to not feel any guilt when i have been mono for all of my adult life. At least it is for me but it is also a freeing thing to "understand it" and trying to educate myself so I dont um.. mess up? I dont care to go around having flings. Things like that :-/ That isnt what I see out of a poly lifestyle for us. Its one thing to be a long time fling I suppose (I am sure these have better names than what I am saying and apologize if it offends anyone...).
 
Hi Gar, I am glad you are posting. If you're going to keep posting and your husband is as well, according to our guidelines it's very helpful to each have your own account, so it's less confusing for other members. If you want to keep being Gar, ask your h to start his own profile if/when he posts again. Thanks!

As for your situation. How long have you and your h been together? What is motivating you to want to be polyamorous, despite your shyness? You are maturing and want to branch out, find more platonic friends as well as, perhaps, a lover?

It can be hard to find an ideal second lover. I have found, in the past 6+ years I have been fully immersed in polyamory, I have had to date a lot, and kiss a lot of frogs, to find a lover on the same page as far as needs and desires. I found one long term lover, who is also poly, a woman, back in early 2009, and we have had very few problems. Finding a decent guy has been more problematic!

Good luck as you read, chat, and explore. OK Cupid is a good dating site for poly people, if you want to make a profile there are look around.
 
Thank you, I plan on fixing one of the two if he wants to continue to post. He originally started this for me, though I am hesitant (starting or making this choice is difficult and I come off very defensive). We have been married almost 10 years and together 14. Im relieved to know it doesnt "just happen" for everyone ;) though of course I would love that lol
 
In regards to motivation-- "What is motivating you to want to be polyamorous, despite your shyness? You are maturing and want to branch out, find more platonic friends as well as, perhaps, a lover?" This I would agree with. It is a hard answer for me as I am still sorting it out in my own head after being mono for so long. It is not something any of my current family or friends would remotely understand and as such, I feel guilty. As I have matured, it has seemed that though I love my husband very much I do want more platonic friends and a possible lover with which i can have full open communication, trust, overcome my own fears of abandonment as much as I can and jealousy and that sort of thing (if he chooses to do the same). It makes more sense in my head than I can write. Im going to think about it for a minute since I have blown up his post with my own writing :-/
 
This is the part that is harder to explain in my head i suppose: An intimacy with more than one person i think is the best way to explain what is in my head. With this comes learning a deeper connection with those we already have (my husband) and anyone else. It can be good for everyone. Im sure it is not an easy thing... or idealistic or what have you. Its hard work just as a marriage is. The friend thing is just as acceptable as a lover. It absolutely doesnt have to be sexual. It can be intimate and not sexual. The rules and boundaries of an existing and knowledgeable poly person make that seem like a much smarter route than trying to bring someone into this that has no idea which is what had happened. It is a lot for people to understand when starting out.
 
Hi alisvolatpropriis,

Glad to hear about some of your ideals about poly; hope things work out as you would want them. You'll want to read a lot of our threads here, and post any questions you may have, as a way of learning more about poly.
 
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