Hello everyone! I am just popping straight over here from the Introductions forum because my mind is racing and I just have to get this out. I introduced myself a bit already, but here's a summation:
Before I dive any deeper into my scenario and questions, I'd like to preface with a plea for patience and understanding as I navigate into this world. My situation is different, in fact so different that I haven't encounter a single case like in during the month of me obsessively searching the internet, so with that being said, please be gentle.
Like I said in my introduction, I married very young. I grew up very influenced by Purity Culture and no matter how far I moved away (3,301 miles), I couldn't escape the messages that inevitably come along with Purity Culture. I was young and vulnerable and really, really stupid.
But I also ended up incredibly lucky. My husband amazes me every day with his growth and flexibility and his gentleness. I fell in love with a man who turned out to be a genuinely good person. But he wasn't the only person I had fallen in love with.
At the very same time I met my now husband, S, and started falling in love, I met his brother, P, and despite myself, started falling in love with him too.
However, P's personality was much scarier to me at the time. He is the older brother and he is much more dynamic and outgoing and very, very flirty. He is also really popular with girls. I didn't think I had a snowballs chance. He flirted with me, but I just thought he did that with everyone. He made me feel nervous and inadequate but simultaneously comfortable and interesting. It was weird. It's still weird. Looking back, I can see how he made it very obvious that he was interested in me, but I couldn't accept the fact that this popular, older (by five years) guy really liked me.
Simultaneously, I had built a really sweet friendship with S, and I was really attracted to him, too. I imagined the future with him. It felt more accessible. He is the younger brother, and only slightly older than me (by 3 years), and he was much easier to be around. He was gentler and I never felt any nervousness with him at all.
I guess because I ended up spending more time with S, I forced myself to stop thinking about P in that way at all. It was genuine, I still got butterflies when I saw him, but I repressed the feeling. Growing up within the purity culture means a lot of things, but the main message I received was that as a woman, I would be validated through a traditional marriage. Anything outside of that would condemn me to a life of "otherness" and I just couldn't handle that. And obviously, traditional means just one.
I was really caught up in the whole "soul mate" thing, too. I really, sincerely managed to make myself believe that S would meet all of my needs and we'd live happily ever after in a fairy tale universe.
So, after just a year of dating, I married S. I was 19 at the time. In the months leading up to our wedding, though, P started really pushing hard. He had never really stopped flirting with me entirely, but in those months he was really laying it on thick. It was hard for me to understand because I had repressed my feelings and I still didn't believe he could or should like me.
After marrying S, my relationship with P has been a roller coaster. He has hated me, loved me, treated me like a friend, like an enemy, like a sister... depending on the day. It's been really hard. And I really, really didn't understand how any of this was even possible.
My marriage with S hasn't been perfect, obviously. We were too young and I had serious, serious baggage. But he has been incredible as I work my way out of depression and disorders and co-dependency. He's been there through late night panic attacks and month-long hibernation phases.
I'm at a place now, after months of intense therapy, where I can recognize my reality. I don't carry the same baggage I once carried. I can recognize my own worth as something unique to my identity as an individual that is not contingent on any relationship or prestige. And finally, I'm ready to accept that I am not a traditional woman!
I reject all gender roles, so that in itself is nontraditional, and our marriage has adjusted to that, not without bumps. I also just have so much love to give! And I believe it's okay to love whoever, whenever, and wherever as long as it's genuinely selfless and honest. And I promise, that is what my love for these two men really is.
I'm quickly approaching my five year anniversary, and my husband and I have officially talked about opening our marriage. He plans to continue choosing monogamy, but he understands that it just doesn't work for me. I asked him if he would like to know who I was interested in or if I should first speak to that person, and my husband agreed that it wasn't just my story to tell so I should work it out and then let my husband know what was going on, because I promised to never hide anything.
I'm generally a very open and honest person. Secrets kill me. And I'm glad that my husband has sort of given me permission to not have to tell him everything until I'm ready.
I know that P is still very interested in me. We have stabilized our relationship over the last two and half years. He tries to hide his feelings, and while they are still a little hard for me to believe (because up until a few weeks ago, they were just a part of my intricate fantasy world...), I know they are there.
However, P doesn't know that my husband and I have agreed to non-monogamy. And I don't really know how to tell him or if I should let him figure it out or what.
I really want to pursue a relationship with P, but obviously there are TONS of cultural barriers and I cannot commit to an exclusive relationship with P.
There are a million things to think about, and I have probably thought of 999,990 of them. I over think things. It's kind of like a hobby at this point.
I also have a million questions, but I will start with just a few:
1. How have you let people you are interested in know about your non-monogamous status?
2. Do you live in secrecy? What is that like? What tips could you give to someone looking to have a "private" open relationship, meaning that only the people directly involved would know?
3. Do you know of any situations that are similar to mine?
I really appreciate you, whoever you are, for taking the time to read all of this. Thank you in advance for any guidance.
Love,
nori
I'm incredibly new to the entire world of polyamory. I guess I should say that I've known about it for a while, but I've just recently let myself in.
. . .
I married really, really young. Purity culture really did a number on me. Fortunately for me, the man I married turned out to be a really great person. Maybe I knew that, but I'm thinking it was probably just luck. We've been married for five years, and I'm still really young, but I'm finally brave enough to admit things about myself that I never could before.
I had been hinting with my husband for a few months that I am not really satisfied with our traditional marriage, and a couple of weeks ago I finally found the courage to ask about moving away from the traditional-ness of our marriage. He's been incredibly flexible and open, so here we are!
Before I dive any deeper into my scenario and questions, I'd like to preface with a plea for patience and understanding as I navigate into this world. My situation is different, in fact so different that I haven't encounter a single case like in during the month of me obsessively searching the internet, so with that being said, please be gentle.
Like I said in my introduction, I married very young. I grew up very influenced by Purity Culture and no matter how far I moved away (3,301 miles), I couldn't escape the messages that inevitably come along with Purity Culture. I was young and vulnerable and really, really stupid.
But I also ended up incredibly lucky. My husband amazes me every day with his growth and flexibility and his gentleness. I fell in love with a man who turned out to be a genuinely good person. But he wasn't the only person I had fallen in love with.
At the very same time I met my now husband, S, and started falling in love, I met his brother, P, and despite myself, started falling in love with him too.
However, P's personality was much scarier to me at the time. He is the older brother and he is much more dynamic and outgoing and very, very flirty. He is also really popular with girls. I didn't think I had a snowballs chance. He flirted with me, but I just thought he did that with everyone. He made me feel nervous and inadequate but simultaneously comfortable and interesting. It was weird. It's still weird. Looking back, I can see how he made it very obvious that he was interested in me, but I couldn't accept the fact that this popular, older (by five years) guy really liked me.
Simultaneously, I had built a really sweet friendship with S, and I was really attracted to him, too. I imagined the future with him. It felt more accessible. He is the younger brother, and only slightly older than me (by 3 years), and he was much easier to be around. He was gentler and I never felt any nervousness with him at all.
I guess because I ended up spending more time with S, I forced myself to stop thinking about P in that way at all. It was genuine, I still got butterflies when I saw him, but I repressed the feeling. Growing up within the purity culture means a lot of things, but the main message I received was that as a woman, I would be validated through a traditional marriage. Anything outside of that would condemn me to a life of "otherness" and I just couldn't handle that. And obviously, traditional means just one.
I was really caught up in the whole "soul mate" thing, too. I really, sincerely managed to make myself believe that S would meet all of my needs and we'd live happily ever after in a fairy tale universe.
So, after just a year of dating, I married S. I was 19 at the time. In the months leading up to our wedding, though, P started really pushing hard. He had never really stopped flirting with me entirely, but in those months he was really laying it on thick. It was hard for me to understand because I had repressed my feelings and I still didn't believe he could or should like me.
After marrying S, my relationship with P has been a roller coaster. He has hated me, loved me, treated me like a friend, like an enemy, like a sister... depending on the day. It's been really hard. And I really, really didn't understand how any of this was even possible.
My marriage with S hasn't been perfect, obviously. We were too young and I had serious, serious baggage. But he has been incredible as I work my way out of depression and disorders and co-dependency. He's been there through late night panic attacks and month-long hibernation phases.
I'm at a place now, after months of intense therapy, where I can recognize my reality. I don't carry the same baggage I once carried. I can recognize my own worth as something unique to my identity as an individual that is not contingent on any relationship or prestige. And finally, I'm ready to accept that I am not a traditional woman!
I reject all gender roles, so that in itself is nontraditional, and our marriage has adjusted to that, not without bumps. I also just have so much love to give! And I believe it's okay to love whoever, whenever, and wherever as long as it's genuinely selfless and honest. And I promise, that is what my love for these two men really is.
I'm quickly approaching my five year anniversary, and my husband and I have officially talked about opening our marriage. He plans to continue choosing monogamy, but he understands that it just doesn't work for me. I asked him if he would like to know who I was interested in or if I should first speak to that person, and my husband agreed that it wasn't just my story to tell so I should work it out and then let my husband know what was going on, because I promised to never hide anything.
I'm generally a very open and honest person. Secrets kill me. And I'm glad that my husband has sort of given me permission to not have to tell him everything until I'm ready.
I know that P is still very interested in me. We have stabilized our relationship over the last two and half years. He tries to hide his feelings, and while they are still a little hard for me to believe (because up until a few weeks ago, they were just a part of my intricate fantasy world...), I know they are there.
However, P doesn't know that my husband and I have agreed to non-monogamy. And I don't really know how to tell him or if I should let him figure it out or what.
I really want to pursue a relationship with P, but obviously there are TONS of cultural barriers and I cannot commit to an exclusive relationship with P.
There are a million things to think about, and I have probably thought of 999,990 of them. I over think things. It's kind of like a hobby at this point.
I also have a million questions, but I will start with just a few:
1. How have you let people you are interested in know about your non-monogamous status?
2. Do you live in secrecy? What is that like? What tips could you give to someone looking to have a "private" open relationship, meaning that only the people directly involved would know?
3. Do you know of any situations that are similar to mine?
I really appreciate you, whoever you are, for taking the time to read all of this. Thank you in advance for any guidance.
Love,
nori
Last edited by a moderator: