How do I get more time with him when the other (secondary) partner is needier?

Hi MightMax. I made it crystal clear when I met C. that I do not do casual relationships, ever, ever, ever. And he has paid a lot of lip service to having a serious relationship with me. The problem is, the actions don't match.

The other day, he asked me when my birthday was. I told him (it was over the summer). We were on our "break" then because of his wife, but talking just about daily, at length, on Facebook, which also alerts my friends that I'm having a birthday. He bemoaned the fact that he hadn't given me a gift and I told him not to worry about it. But birthdays are important to me, and he hadn't even known, certainly hadn't said anything on the day. I just looked at his page and he was on Facebook that day, he posted stuff. Also found a thank-you post from other girlfriend thanking him for the long hours he put into fixing her computer.

Perhaps you are right. Perhaps we are done.
 
Maybe he didn't intend for it to be casual, it sounds like he's created a deep bond with his other girlfriend since they've shared an intimate relationship all along. I would just be clear what you need from him and if he's not able to meet them then go ahead and move on
 
I see two issues here.

One is that he is not meeting the expectations you placed on him and the relationship. The other is your belief he needs to treat each of his relationships equally.

Both of these are problematic -- but notice that they start with you.
 
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Hi scarletzinnia,

I think my vote is to break up with C. He has acted in a way that is not in tune with your needs, feelings, and code of ethics. Argument could be made that if it was wrong for his "other secondary" to continue a relationship while his wife was struggling, then it was just as wrong for him to go along with it. You see this, and I think subconsciously you hope he'll see it and then he'll take steps to make it right. But I am thinking he's probably not going to see it.

And in any case, it seems clear to me that whatever his reasons (or excuses) are, C simply isn't giving you the time, attention, and resources you want, need, and deserve. And it doesn't look to me like that's about to change: not this week, this year, or even this decade. It seems clear that you're unhappy with the way things are currently set up, but he doesn't seem to be unhappy with that at all. I think you and he have starkly different ways of perceiving how relationships should be managed.

The time you use on trying to salvage what's left of your relationship with C, you could be using to seek another dating partner who would make you more of a priority and maybe even live closer to you. That makes more sense to me.

I'm sorry you ended up getting the short end of the stick.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
And he has paid a lot of lip service to having a serious relationship with me. The problem is, the actions don't match.

Is "talk matches walk" important to you in your relationships? If so, that is a problem here. You don't seem to be getting that either. Not enough time, and not enough consistency between word and action for you.

He bemoaned the fact that he hadn't given me a gift and I told him not to worry about it. But birthdays are important to me, and he hadn't even known, certainly hadn't said anything on the day.

That is a separate problem I see. You downplaying the things that are important to you. How is this honest communication? If you choose to move on, it no longer applies here. But maybe something to think about in next relationship?

Galagirl
 
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Thanks, GalaGirl. I think I make an effort to be "low maintenance" in my non-primary relationships, and the result is that I'm not always forthcoming with my partners about what I need/want. I will definitely be more conscious of this in the future.

There are updates to my situation. I talked to boyfriend and there were a few things I didn't know about what was going on. The thing that probably bothered me the most about boyfriend's prioritizing was that he planned to take a day off work to spend with his other girlfriend when he had discussed doing the same thing with me for weeks but hadn't followed through. Well, it turns out that boyfriend was taking the day off to testify for his other girlfriend in court (since he was the first person she talked to after her husband assaulted her). I wish he had just told me that in the first place. Knowing that made things a lot better for me.

I finally got to see him this weekend and we had a wonderful time and he was totally present for me the entire evening together. He told me that his other girlfriend is job hunting and it is quite likely she will be relocating to another state, possibly a very distant one, in order to get a job in her field. I told him that I thought it would make sense anyway for girlfriend to put some distance between herself and her abusive husband, that I would be sad for boyfriend if he lost her, and that I wasn't going anywhere. It will be interesting to see how things play out.
 
Well, isn't that great! Just a little bit of info about why he scheduled to take off work to help his OSO must make you feel much better.

Probably time to rethink this "low maintenance" idea... it causes you pain and hours of worry and feeling less than.
 
I think I make an effort to be "low maintenance" in my non-primary relationships, and the result is that I'm not always forthcoming with my partners about what I need/want. I will definitely be more conscious of this in the future.

Yup. Just skip the evaluation word "low" and put it out there. What you need/want to maintain your happiness. The partner either is willing to deliver or not.

I am a bit confused. :confused:

There are updates to my situation. I talked to boyfriend and there were a few things I didn't know about what was going on. The thing that probably bothered me the most about boyfriend's prioritizing was that he planned to take a day off work to spend with his other girlfriend when he had discussed doing the same thing with me for weeks but hadn't followed through. Well, it turns out that boyfriend was taking the day off to testify for his other girlfriend in court (since he was the first person she talked to after her husband assaulted her). I wish he had just told me that in the first place. Knowing that made things a lot better for me.

That is not update. You had it in the original post that he was going to court.

So now the other partner's husband has left her and it appears to be an abuse situation because she has a restraining order against the husband and C. is taking a day off from work to go to court with her. He and I have been talking about him taking a day off from work on my weekday off for about two months now and he's never had the time.

I wonder if you aren't feeling better because of this, which IS update:

I finally got to see him this weekend and we had a wonderful time and he was totally present for me the entire evening together.

You finally got some of his time. Yay!

And/Or maybe some of this helps also:

He told me that his other girlfriend is job hunting and it is quite likely she will be relocating to another state, possibly a very distant one, in order to get a job in her field.

No longer have to share his time in the same way if she's not local. Maybe you could sit and reflect if it is a little of both? Either way, i am glad you feel better.

Galagirl
 
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I did know he was going to court with her, Galagirl. I just didn't know he was going to testify. He initially made it sound like he was just going along for the ride. And since he's always fretting about how busy and hectic his life is and how hard it is to carve out time for our relationship, I didn't understand why he was driving three hours round trip and taking a day off work just to hold her hand through some minor court proceeding. I mean, this woman is an adult, and has another much more local boyfriend and presumably some friends and family too. But knowing that he was testifying for her made it feel very different for me.
 
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