Friends and lovers

Working it out

A couple of days ago, Grotto helped me out when I was really stuck with something. I felt bad asking him, considering we're mostly not talking at the moment. I'm lucky for his kindness, despite everything. Ah, I'm looking forward to the air clearing a bit more. It will in time, I think. I sometimes feel quite circumspect. Anyway, I've learnt a lot. Looking forward to writing more about that on here, eventually.

News in my world is: I recently hit upon the answer to something that has been puzzling me for years. That is, how to talk with my parents about relationships in my life.

Due to cultural and religious differences, I have no hope of them understanding, let alone being supportive... But I did want to start a conversation with them anyway, especially as there may be people in my future family that I'd want to be upfront about. So far I haven't hidden anything from them, but I haven't been particularly forthcoming either.

The main problem was how to balance being clear, but also letting them take the lead in terms of how much information they'd want to know. In some sense I think they would be more comfortable with a polite fiction. I've been questioning my own motives, too, i.e. what I hope to achieve by this. Am I doing this for me? For them? I guess I'm doing it for our relationship (as in, my relationship with my parents).

I've thought through various ways and means of putting it, but something clicked yesterday that I really like! I'm going to work on the wording of this a bit more, then write it by hand, and then read it out to both of my parents at the same time, then give them the letter.

So much for method, now for the content. Here's what I've got so far. They know about Ocean as he & I are married / in a civil union and they have accepted him into our family. They had met Grotto a few times over the period he and I were together, but just as a close friend. They haven't met Lobe or anyone else I've been romantically intimate with, but they do have a fair amount of awareness about the kinds of friends and friendships I keep.

Dear [parents],

This shouldn't be a surprise to you because you know me and know what I'm like, and you probably realise that I have in some ways unconventional ways of relating to friends.

[Ocean] and I obviously have a great relationship. I also like to have adventures by myself as well as with other friends who I'm close to. I don't keep anything secret from [Ocean] and he is comfortable with how I relate to other people. One thing that may be hard to understand is this could even involve me falling in love with other people as well as [Ocean], and sharing life with them in various ways that do not diminish the relationship I have with [Ocean].

I want to be open with you so I just wanted to let you know that there may be people in my life as well as [Ocean] who I consider family. If you have any questions about the nature of my relationship with anyone else I am happy to answer your questions, and I will never lie to you.

I go on to mention a few other unrelated things that make sense in the context, and end the letter.

I like how it's sounding. I will sit on it a bit and probably tweak some more before writing it out. Maybe get feedback from others in my family or friends, too.

It feels good to have a solid plan. Earlier this year, I decided that I want to tell them before the end of the year. I wasn't sure how I'd do it, but I knew that I finally wanted to and so I made a pledge to myself. Now for the plunge...
 
Waiting to have breakfast with Ocean at my parents' place. The simple blessing of having food available when I'm hungry... If I think of all the luck in my life it can overwhelm me.

I'm a sentimental person. I can also be brutally pragmatic. I accept the hypocrisy. There's no need to synthesise this assortment of broken stories.

OK. So the update I've been holding off sharing...

LOBE MOVED CITIES! A few weeks ago. He got rid of a bunch of stuff, ended the lease on his apartment, quit his job and moved down to the city where I live so we could be nearer to each other.

No one has ever done that for me before. I've done that a couple of times now (first for Ocean, then for Grotto, funnily enough both times to this same city) and perhaps my reluctance to do it myself is part of my almost anxiety about someone else doing it for me.

What if things fuck up? Lobe has been reassuring in his casual, awesome way. "Look, it's not like we're locking anything in. We can still see how it goes, right?"

But but but but... Wednesday sex! I've been looking forward to this. No more early morning flights to get to work on time, late night flights to squeeze one more dreamtime and good morning from a weekend.

Lately it's been particularly tight as I've been working about an hour out of town (so even further from the airport) on Fridays plus had a class I didn't want to miss on Sunday at midday. So the weekends I've seen Lobe have been a very late Friday night til a very early Sunday morning.

When he's come down to see me, he's often stayed as late as possible, which means a very early Monday morning flight to get to work on time. This has been pretty exhausting for both of us.

The final push of moving was kinda hectic but wonderful. I helped as much as possible with the various administrative stuff. It was actually fun, though a lot of work.

And now... he's staying at our house! At the moment, it's him and our housemate. Ocean and I get back in a couple of weeks, and then two days later our housemate leaves for overseas. They get back end Aug. So by then we'll have to figure out the next living situation.

It won't work for Lobe to live with us in our current place, for various reasons. Mostly our housemate doesn't want to live in a four-person household. But also, I imagine it could be a weird dynamic for them.

Alternatives we're considering:

- Lobe finds a month-by-month sublet til he finds his feet in the city, gets a job (or jobs) he likes etc
- Lobe, Ocean and I move out somewhere together, most likely with another friend or friends because really none of us want the fuchka harem vibe if we can avoid it
- Lobe moves somewhere with a friend or friends that's big enough for Ocean and I to join later down the track. i.e. Lobe founds a place

Options one and three have a bit of a buffer for Lobe and I to enjoy living in the same city before the intensity of living together.

That said, we just lived together for about a week and a half (before Ocean and I left for holidays) and it seemed fine. A few things we'd have to figure out but... yeah. Fully do-able.

Been checking in with Ocean heaps. For example, I talked with him about the option of Lobe finding a sublet or a separate space for a while. I said, would you prefer that? Because now's a great time to say so. And Ocean said, no it doesn't bother him. He'd be fine to start living together the three of us straight away.

Waaaaaahhhh!!! (That's a happy noise; I don't know if it comes across that way!)

:D

There's a sadness about how things went down with Grotto. A sadness in myself, and with Lobe, and among some mutual friends.

I am fortunate to be wired to be able to hold both of those emotions. I am joyful without bound about being with Lobe and him shifting cities (srsly the best!). I also feel grief about how things ended with Grotto...

I guess it helps that my relationship with Grotto was so bad by the end, though. I don't want that. I'm not going back to that. I couldn't believe how long I stayed in a situation that was so awful, really.

I'm glad that any relationship I have with Grotto in the future will be good for me. Healthy is a non-negotiable.
 
Well, hmm.

Ocean and I had a great time away on family holiday. We mostly did our own thing, relaxed a lot and hung out with my siblings.

The last few days, we've been at my parents' place. Yesterday, my father had "a talk" with me. Nothing to do with relationships. This was about money management, living styles, etc. He was disappointed about choices we'd made relating to a generous gift he had given to us a few years ago. At the end he left us with some decisions to make.

The issue hit at me in many ways. Talking with Ocean afterwards, things got ugly. I spoke in awful, unkind ways to Ocean and I got really upset. It was all out of proportion to the topic at hand. Ocean told me "you're being really combative." He was right. I was all over the place. Ocean couldn't say anything right.

It was gross. I was watching myself be this vicious person, for no good reason...

I guess I need to think through what made me so sensitive. It's all muddly. Approaching it disorients me.

I also feel like... I suck? Yeah. I feel like I can't be all that great at relating if I can't be gentle with people I supposedly love.

I apologised. Ocean and I agreed to talk about this a few more times, at a slower pace, and see how it goes.

I probably have to do some work myself in figuring out what my major malfunction is. Blech. Felt low, self-loathing. I'm lucky he is patient with me, and forgiving.

Decided against 'semi-coming-out' to my folks this time around, because this stuff has unsettled me, and we leave tomorrow. Gotta keep some slack!
 
Yesterday, my father had "a talk" with me. Nothing to do with relationships. This was about money management, living styles, etc. He was disappointed about choices we'd made relating to a generous gift he had given to us a few years ago. At the end he left us with some decisions to make.
When someone gives a gift, they no longer have control over how that gift is used. It seems he gave it to you with strings attached, in a way, if now he is expressing that he's disappointed with you and you now have some kind of decision to make. His gift doesn't belong to him anymore; it is yours to do with what you want. He needs to trust that you will do the right thing for you, whether he likes how you do it or not. You're not his little girl anymore, so he shouldn't have scolded you.

He is your father, but is no longer parenting you, if you know what I mean, so why should you let him think he think he has a say in how you run your life?

The issue hit at me in many ways. Talking with Ocean afterwards, things got ugly. I spoke in awful, unkind ways to Ocean and I got really upset. It was all out of proportion to the topic at hand. Ocean told me "you're being really combative." He was right. I was all over the place. Ocean couldn't say anything right.

It was gross. I was watching myself be this vicious person, for no good reason...

I guess I need to think through what made me so sensitive. It's all muddly. Approaching it disorients me.

I also feel like... I suck? Yeah. I feel like I can't be all that great at relating if I can't be gentle with people I supposedly love.
Oh my goodness, go easy on yourself! Your father basically slapped your wrist for not behaving the way he had hoped his daughter would (by not using his gift "appropriately," in his eyes). No, I am not saying he's bad person, but he isn't relating to you as a responsible adult, it seems. And so, as I see it, the talk with him has triggered your inner child who doesn't want to disappoint Daddy! Of course, you took it out on Ocean because:
your father was disappointed with how you and Ocean used the gift;
you felt scolded, like you were bad, and a disappointment; so, therefore
Ocean is somehow to blame for you disappointing your father.​
(a child's logic)

Instead of defending yourself and Ocean to your father and possibly risking his anger or further disappointment, you took the slap your father gave you and slapped Ocean with it. At least, that is what stands out to me.

Facing a parent with the fact that one is an adult who makes their own decisions can sometimes be very challenging, for both parent and the adult offspring. He pushed your buttons and you acted out, because it was a subconscious reaction from a place in you that is younger and less together than you are now. I think you can forgive yourself for that, and now just be aware of how your parents can trigger that kind of stuff, especially surrounding money and/or other kinds of generous gifts because it can make one feel beholden to the gift-giver. Giving someone something like that can be a great way to exert a little authority over them, though that is not overtly the purpose - just a subconscious attachment a person can make to it.
 
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What NYCindie said! BTDT with my father, 'gifts', and his disapproval of some of my life choices. I really need to write this stuff down to ensure I don't 'forget' and do the same to my own children some day :/ Make amends to Ocean, work on your reactions (and not projecting), sure. But don't beat yourself up! I think it's common to revert to less than mature behavior when we've been treated like 'children' by our family.
 
Haha, nycindie and PinkPig - you're so right!

I did stand up to my dad during the conversation but I guess I crumbled later. He's kind, really, just wants "good things" for me and gets concerned when he can't see how my life is good. No amount of reassurance from me helps. Which isn't my problem, I know.

I don't really want his approval, but it sucks when he feels like he hasn't achieved his purpose? Which again isn't my deal.

Yeah I was pretty down on myself cos I couldn't understand my own behaviour. Like how the fuck am I like this? But you're right, it does make sense now.

WHY AM I NOT A PERFECT ROBOT? ;)
 
Back home. Ocean and I are pretty jetlagged and have been sleeping a lot.

Great to see Lobe again; we'd been missing each other. Was strange to leave him only a week or so after he moved down. He'd made himself as comfortable as possible while I was away, but of course it doesn't feel like his own space, really. He feels like a visitor here. We don't have a proper spare room. There's a lot of extra space but it's not closed off from a shared corridor. So, semi-private. Also it's partially full of stored things. Anyway, it works for now.

Our housemate is leaving tomorrow for a month. While they are away, Ocean, Lobe and I will be living together just the three of us (well, four of us if you count the cat). I think the dynamics will be fine.

I was a bit concerned coming home because I really wanted to spend time with Lobe and reconnect with him, but I was also conscious of the possibility Ocean would feel like I was abandoning him after our travel together. "Hey, it's been a great three weeks, see ya!" It's odd going from being with each other every day and sleeping next to each other every night to suddenly not. But I guess that's the nature of things.

It's not very often I feel split loyalties in my relationships with people. As in, I wish I could do this as well as that, but I can't. If it was a common - rather than a rare - occurrence, I'd have to rethink my relationship decisions. Still, it isn't an easy feeling. It's something that can be pointed to, like "there! that's the problem with non-monogamy!"

Had one of those moments yesterday. I felt like cuddling up with Lobe and hanging out with him, but I also felt like unwinding with Ocean and lazing about in a jetlagged daze, slowly unpacking. If these were more 'active' activities, I could do bits of both during the day. However when I want to be a barely functional puddle, I do have to choose where I blob out.

Ok, it doesn't suck too much, having two great options... :)

I made amends with Ocean, re projecting my paternal stuff onto him. Well. I said sorry and he said "you've already apologised profusely. It's okay." Then I had to bite my tongue and not say "sorry" again because that's a bad habit of mine that I'm trying to break. Hell yeah, I'm not sorry for being overly sorry! That's just what happened. I make mistakes and that's okay. *staunch*
 
Home life is good. Not having to travel constantly is... wonderful, really. I feel like I'm settling down into a steady pace of weeks and weekends. I am industrious but also pretty relaxed. Enjoying the moments.

Ocean is becoming quite busy with a community endeavour that has regular commitments. We had a funny exchange today when I thought I'd get to have breakfast with him - but he was off! We did a quick check: when could we have a breakfast together before work? Wednesday - no. Thursday - no. Friday - maybe? Ah, schedules. It'll iron itself out over the next few weeks, I'm sure. Hooray for the ongoing process of making time for the people you want to spend time with :)

I'm getting plenty of alone time these days, which I'm treasuring. I find myself sleeping alone often, mostly on the couch. I have a real fondness for the couch. I often dream interesting dreams on a couch. It feels very lazy to do it, too. Maybe a guilty pleasure. I've also done some half nights, going to sleep with one person (or by myself) and changing it up midway if I wake up to pee etc. Nothing structured yet. Ocean likes to know in advance what I'm doing each night (not hugely in advance, but just when it gets towards bedtime) so it's not 100% fluid but it's close to it. Lobe's been relaxed with whatever.

Living with two intimate partners is a first for me, and for Ocean & Lobe too. Things are tentative as we feel the dynamics of it out. So far, so good though. Before this I'd only ever had miniature experiences of cohabitation, generally when travelling or for occasional sleepovers. I'm glad to report there have been no major incidents yet! We have a housemate here, but they are away for this month. It's been pleasantly homely just the three of us and the cat! Possibly sometime later on this year we'll be shifting, potentially with another friend or two. I'll most likely keep some parts of that vague on this blog.

I have to be more careful about some details as Lobe isn't comfortable with me blogging on here. He accepts it and says he trusts me, but also says that it doesn't sit well with him to have personal details about his life published online. He doesn't want to read the blog, so he's relying on my judgment. Hmm. We've had a few conversations about it over the past few months. Anyway. I will try to be minimal when it comes to him, I guess.

A while ago I started writing some things about my history, but didn't post it at that point. Perhaps it's a good time to revisit the back catalog.
 
Well, my life is pretty good! We're currently in the process of moving house. Ocean, Lobe and I will be renting together in a new place that we're really liking so far (even though we're only just starting to move into it.) Ocean and I realised it'll be the first time we have had separate bedrooms for... years. Since he and I moved in together, really, which was about seven years ago now I guess. I'm probably not going to have a permanent bed in my room, but I'll have a roll-away futon or something for when I want to cocoon in my own space. When we were planning for house hunting, Ocean said "I think it will be necessary and healthy for you to have your own room," and I agree.

It's been an eventful month. I've been a student at a classical dance school for the past few years and we have our annual performance coming up this weekend. Full steam ahead for that. I'm going to do the bulk of my shifting after the show is over.

Meanwhile... unresolved business with Grotto lingers. We've exchanged a few heavy e-mails. I'm doubting my motives for staying in touch with him. I'm harbouring more bitterness than I'm used to. I would like to feel more compassionate towards him, but it's hard work to be that person! And I'm tired of doing hard work around him. If it was just for me, I would walk away (I think), and maybe I should. But I feel that somehow is to treat him like a carcass to be discarded? "Eh, I'm done with you now".

Grotto feels like he can't heal and he needs more from me/Lobe. Hmm. I think I've said all that I can say and have left it at that for now. However I can't help asking myself again... how am I failing here, how am I uncaring, how am I hard-hearted towards him when he needs me to be soft?

We broke up months ago, but it wasn't clean. I'm tempted to take the "time heals" option and give it a wide berth for a bit. Perhaps it's also the lazy option... :p

Mm, what else? I've been doing some fairly intense personal work recently, which I may blog about on here eventually. And also... I'm in a somewhat unexpected life situation, which I won't get into right now but I will most likely be able to share in a couple of months!
 
Lasting impressions

[Note: In this blog post, I write about experiences of being sexually abused as a child, and how this experience has influenced me.]

They say polyamory is not all about the sex, but in a way it absolutely is. Yes, I know that you can have deep, romantic intimacy without sex, and that sex is not the point. But in the end, in a monogamous world, the sex is what socially separates an acceptable relationship from a non-acceptable relationship. If I have manifold close relationships, no problem - as long as I only have a sexual connection with one person - according to the social norm. So, the sexual aspect of relationships, and my own sexuality, seems to me quite important to my story here.

It's taken me a long while to understand what I like about sex, and the place of sex in my life. I am still learning. I guess it's like that for everyone, always, of course. Among other things, we're sexual beings, and how we relate to that aspect of ourselves is but one ongoing thread of our life's journey.

I want to talk now about some formative experiences for me, and how I feel that I've been influenced by them.

From when I was about 7 to 12 I was sexually abused by a much older man, who was a close family friend and a private tutor to me. He and I got along really well; we genuinely liked each other. I was somewhat precocious as a child, and I often would prefer chatting with adults over others my age.

For most of this period of contact, I didn't think anything was inappropriate about the way we spent time together. In fact, there was no outward behaviour you could fault. He'd sometimes use odd curse words like "bugger me daisies and pickle me tits" (a memorable phrase), but he was altogether innocuous. We had a bit of a grandfather/granddaughter relationship. He'd sit me on his knee sometimes, but it was never in a disturbing way to me.

Gradually, he became more familiar. He would look at my body and tell me I was growing up. I had set up an e-mail address, and he set up a matching one so we could write to each other. He'd write me all kinds of things, most of it relevant to our mutual interests. He'd sometimes send me jokes, and occasionally dirty jokes, and on a few occasions some dirty jokes that weren't funny at all and just confused me (I later figured they were erotic fiction).

I had no idea how he saw me until, in an e-mail, he offered to teach me to have sex. I replied to his e-mail by ignoring the comment, and responding to other things he'd written. But he wrote again, pressing the point, and said that even though there was a massive age gap (I was 12 to his 74), we had an intellectual connection that transcended that.

This was my first experience of sexual desire (whether my own or that of another person towards me), and I really had no clue about what sex was or what it felt like or what I thought about it. I was raised in a fairly sheltered way, in a strict Catholic family and also a conservative South Asian family who had migrated a generation before me. Sex was not really on my radar. But I knew that I didn't want to have sex with him, at all. I felt trapped. I couldn't relate to him anymore. My memories of him had to be rewritten to incorporate his now-stated intentions towards me. I went back through everything and saw the signs. Casual jokes and friendly touches reinterpreted. Some memories that make me nauseous to this day. Me swimming in his pool in summer while he watches. Him perching me on his knees and teaching me about the stars. Driving home with him one night and he holds my hand.

There's a bit more to this story, but from my end I cut off communication with him (only talked with him when I was forced to), and I made sure I was never in a physically unsafe situation with him ever again. So, I got off pretty lightly in some sense. I wasn't raped (grim world, when you feel grateful for that!?), and was not touched sexually in a way that I understood to be sexual at the time it happened (but, considering things in retrospect, I believe he did touch me sexually). The most impactful aspect was the subtle, sexual grooming over many years and I have recently acknowledged this to be a kind of sexual abuse. It happened to me, and it hurt me, warped me. (A couple of gross experiences soon afterwards with other people amplified the impact of this, too. One of these I touch upon later in this post.)

The main effects on me, of what happened with my tutor, was the conflation of intellectual connection with sexual connection, and the breach of trust (I trusted him as an older adult to be a safe person to explore conversations and ideas with; I was not prepared for a sexual interaction, and even at 12 I knew this was fucked up, even though I didn't comprehend the extent of how messed up it was).

What I wanted was to hang out with him, learn from him (though not about sex, obviously), be friends and co-conspirators. We had fun together, we talked about how things worked, and had fun geeking out together.

He appreciated my thoughts, he was encouraging. But he also wanted lure me to agreeing to have sex with him. He saw me sexually, and cultivated an attraction to me in that way.

Soon after this, when I was still 12, I was sexually assaulted by a senior member of a chorus I belonged to. It was someone who I trusted and had confided in about what had happened with the tutor, as this had upset me. The senior was in his 20s. He was caring towards me and shared that he himself had been sexually assaulted by a teacher when he was younger. Looking back, I'm not sure if he was lying about this. Anyway, one weekend our chorus went on a retreat trip to prepare for a major performance. On the coach on the way there, I had fallen asleep next to the senior and he assaulted me in my sleep, touching my breasts and making me touch his balls. I woke up to him doing this. It was disgusting, confusing and another hurtful breach of trust. The fallout from this was bad too because he spread rumours (which were believed) that I was making advances on him. To this day when I catch up with acquaintances from chorus days they might jokingly bring up the 'memory' of me having had a childhood crush on this senior.

Well, there are some more bad experiences I had while I was a child with other people later on, and some others as I grew up too. I've done a lot of work over the years to grow past them, and I am glad not to be held down by them very much any more. I have experienced a lot of healing and I have learnt a lot about myself.

That said, one of the lingering impacts of having been sexually abused, especially as a child, has been that I can get so close with some people, and I can feel safe, and think - yes, we can talk and fuck and understand the world together... but when it comes to the sex, I lose all connection. Their desire for sex overwhelms me. I feel like I'm being colonised, like I'm caught prey. I slip into a whirl of not knowing how to express what I feel for them, being unsure of how they feel about me, wanting to feel connected and be loved in a certain way, but feeling like the sex confuses everything. I suddenly don't know whether I'm being cared for in the way I need to be, or not; I can't tell whether the sex is a respectful part of our connection, or a completed quest, a conquest.

It's not straight-forward to explain, because it's not so much a clear 'cause and effect' but a vague yet impactful resonance. Every now and then a new experience strikes me, and I touch the memories again, comb my fingers through its knotted hair.

My first understandings of sex were wrong-footed and harmful. I have since been blessed with resoundingly respectful lovers who have helped me make sense of things, and helped me heal.

Following from this post I might make some specific reflections on how my experiences of sexual abuse and assault have impacted on my intimate relationships as an adult.

Sidenote: There's a post/comment someone wrote on this forum, giving advice on how difficult sex can be with someone who lives with the trauma impacts of sexual assault. The writer said it was sometimes like coaxing a terrified cat from its hiding place, i.e. requiring patience to make the environment feel safe. I thought the description was very apt, and if I manage to hunt it down I will post a link to it.
 
It planned itself

Well, it's been a couple of months since I posted life/relationship updates, and it's time for some news :)

I've been holding off posting here because I know that this is a public forum, even though it feels like a safe community. I wanted to sit with things for awhile and I wasn't sure whether I'd actually announce anything on here but eh, I don't have the interest/energy to start a more private blog right now, and I like this community!

So here goes:

Lobe and I had been talking about having kids one day, but we hadn't yet decided to go for it... Meanwhile life has decided for us :) I'm a few months' pregnant! Ocean is incredibly supportive, sometimes teases me a bit but it's all very loving. I haven't had sickness too bad, just occasional bouts of nausea and some tiredness, but overall am keeping well.

The hardest part of it all was telling my parents, which involved telling them about Lobe, and about Ocean & I not being monogamous. That was quite stormy and had some really ugly patches. The weather is somewhat clearing but I think there are some dark periods yet to come. It's okay, though. I was never expecting that part to go well.

One of my brothers is lovely about everything and is being kind to me. The other brother is "deciding how he wants to engage with me"... pfft. I mean, I love him and I would be there for him through whatever. But if he wants to judge? I find myself not caring very much.

Lobe, Ocean and I had been planning to live together anyway, before this new situation, but it is rather handy that we'd already moved into a place together the three of us. Makes it logistically much easier. We still have no clue what we're doing, though. It will be a massive adventure for sure!

Ocean is uncertain what role he will feel like playing. He might feel like being a parent or maybe more like extended family. Lobe and I are assuming we'll be doing all or most of the parenting together. Regardless, we'll all stay living together unless something seriously isn't working out.

This is a big change for me. I'm slowly starting to tell colleagues, family and friends. I've never been pregnant before so everything is very new. I'm finding the gender aspect of it especially challenging. Both the gendering of me as a woman/female (I identify as genderqueer) and the gendering of the baby already! I know it's coming from a caring place but I find the perpetual reinforcement of a boy-girl binary quite disturbing. I have similar (but milder) feelings about people going "oh, it's going to be Taurus!" (It's due end April). I need to translate these comments as people being excited about the specific person and specific personality this human will have. For sure! I'm excited about this too :) But I don't think I have any real ways to predict this. Apart from Lobe and I being awesome people, of course, with great family and friends about, giving them a decent chance of turning out ok, I reckon ;)
 
So good to hear (read?) from you fukcha! :D what exciting news!! I am so super happy for you and lone, and glad for you and ocean. Does grotto know about the baby, what's the update there? I am really hoping a very easy pregnancy for the lovely nonbinary baby, and mum. :)
Stay well,

Starlight1
 
Yay for babies! :)
 
Congratulations on the happy news! :D

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:p Awwww, thanks starlight, RainGrlJenny and nycindie!

Re: Grotto, hmmm! Well he was one of the first people I told after I found out I was pregnant. Did that about 8 weeks into it. It was a really hard conversation to have, but I thought it was best because around the same time, he was talking about wanting to catch up with me. It felt wrong to see him without telling him the news. He took it pretty hard at first but I think he wasn't subconsciously prepare for it. It washed over him faster than he expected.

Since then, I've seen Grotto a few times and it's been quite varied. I thought things were going fairly well, but I can't say that for now. Over the months after we broke up, we chatted very occasionally online, and we met up irregularly (once in 2-3 months or so?). The meet-ups were getting better, more just hanging out, less awkward and less post-mortem-y. However, the last time I saw him - just before Christmas - he told me he wanted to get back to having an intimate relationship. I was not expecting this as I thought it would be a long time - if ever - before that would be a possibility for us. Grotto has been seeing someone else (semi-long distance, she has a primary relationship; I don't know much about it apart from he seems mostly happy about things) and I figured he'd want a lot more space to heal. For my part, I was happy to finally have some peace between us and my main motivation re: relating with Grotto was learning to appreciate each other again. There are so many things I actually like and love about him and it felt good to slowly approach feeling that again.

Anyway, my response to Grotto's proposal was: "I need to think about it". He got pretty upset at the time, slipped into a "what's wrong with me?" mode which I felt compassion for but was also surprised by. Just earlier he'd said to me he's doing so much better and was feeling good about things... I guess I'd taken that to mean he was feeling his self-worth more solidly and wasn't pining after our relationship. Beh.

Well, I did think about it and found myself strongly disinclined towards getting back together, or at least from making a decision to get back together. Certain thoughts were anxiety inducing, to be honest. I took a couple of weeks to roll it around in my head, but it was the same answer each time I consulted the 8-ball of my soul. Once I was clear on how sure I felt, I wrote back to Grotto saying that I could only commit to a platonic friendship for now.

This unleashed pain and anger that I did not expect. Apparently he had been hoping that we could all work things out (Lobe, he and me)... Well, I eventually wrote back to say that none of this had been discussed, and at the very least he would have to talk with Lobe about some of this. I think he's written to Lobe now but I don't know what's become of that. I feel there's a silent brewing, which may subside or may explode.

As for me, I feel strong and single-minded. I can break myself open for someone, and let them touch and lift pieces off the gelatinous mess that's inside me; YES, I can do that, when I choose. But I can close up again, we all can. We all have our doors and our keys and our curtains and our one-way windows. I feel lucky, content and whole. Unfortunately Grotto isn't keeping well, I don't think. He's been self-medicating a bit and sometimes quitting and withdrawing from those crutches. It's his journey and his process and I don't judge him. I know that he's doing his best and this has been hyperbolically painful for him. He still feels shafted. He's lost two relationships (Lobe and me.). We've only lost one each and from his perspective we "got what we wanted", climbing over Grotto's crushed bones almost without a thought, on our path onwards and upwards to our dream life... yeah. He still feels a lot of resentment. He wants to get over things, and he feels he can't.

I truly wish him well and I know he will heal. I also know that it's healthier for both of us if we keep distance until "if and when" we are well and truly out of any destructive cycles. Healing aside (and I think Grotto will heal better without contact with me): what's the point of a relationship if it does not, on a heavy balance, bring you joy, does not make you feel more alive?

In other news, the pregnancy is trucking along well, hooray! I'm nearly at the third trimester that people say can be uncomfortable, but for now I'm feeling great!

My parents are visiting soon, staying with another relative (not me) which is definitely for the best. Much as I love them, the situation is pretty awkward right now given how they feel about the open relationship/baby situation. My ma arrives in a couple of days and stays for 11 days. My dad will be in town for just 2-3 days midway through her visit. I am quite nervous about it, but it will be good to see them. It's hard to feel out this new phase of our relationship over just phone, Skype and email. My dad used to have a great connection with Ocean, which has stopped since my dad found out I was pregnant to someone else. That's been pretty sad to see but I hope it will heal over time. I'm not sure how much my folks will see Ocean or Lobe when they're here. I'm going to catch up with them and let them take the lead on who else they want to meet and when. (They have not yet met Lobe). Will keep y'all posted!
 
Visit from my parents: ... Ok. Just ok. Plus side was that they weren't staying with me, they were staying with my aunt (who lives about 40 mins away from me but in the opposite direction from where I work - so, 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours from my work depending on traffic). I tried to spend as much time with them as possible/enjoyable. I did alright. Was anxious the whole time and, yeah, I dunno.

My ma met Lobe. My father just wanted to see me (not even Ocean.)

One aspect of this baby-with-Lobe thing which I didn't anticipate the depth of is how far this has affected my parents' attitude towards Ocean. Previously they had a pretty good relationship. They respected him and saw how he was a good thing in my life. They didn't always see eye to eye with him, but they were happy for his and my relationship. Now they don't really know how to take him, especially my father. I think it will be a matter of time, of settling down and seeing that Ocean is the same, strong, life-giving influence for me that he has been all the years I've known him. The fact he didn't want to have children with me is his choice and I hope they will grow to respect that as much as I do.
 
Well, the weeks and months are cranking along and I'm definitely waddling now rather than walking. Being pregnant is so strange, especially when the baby twitches or stretches. Seeing my belly morph sometimes is rather surreal. Flupflupflup...

We're starting to get the house organised a bit better. Haven't yet figured key decisions like where and in what will the baby sleep. It's a 3 bedroom house and Lobe, Ocean and I have separate rooms at the moment, so there'll need to be some additional sharing somehow. Lobe and I have talked about potentially sharing between our rooms, and moving things around re where the baby sleeps now and then, but I really have no idea what it's going to be like. We'll see how it goes, no doubt.

Exciting! Scary! In a month or two we'll have this new human on the outside and it's going to be such an adventure.

The story with Grotto continues at a low level. He's taking some space at the moment after the last spurt of bleargh over Christmas time. I haven't seen him for a few months now. I do think about him quite a bit and sometimes dream about him. I guess that happens when you have been so close with someone. Also it ended so badly, it's hard not to rehash it in my mind and see if there are more lessons to be gleaned. Soak and strain the mixture one more time for stray potent compounds...

Tension with my family continues as a low undercurrent to the love and concern they have for me, sometimes hardly perceptible but always there. It doesn't affect me on a day-to-day level, though. Living in different countries most definitely helps :)

I finish up work in a couple of weeks - hooray! Hopefully the baby doesn't pop out too early because I could do with some breathing space. A quick gasp, at least, before the deluge.
 
Baby here, sleep gone :) Am loving it. Little sprog is quite lucky having three sets of grandparents.

Ocean has decided to be called 'daddy' in his first language (not English) and also to speak in this language to the child so they will grow up bilingual! Yay! Neither Lobe nor I know enough of any other language to do this.

In terms of parenting responsibilities, for now Ocean has decided to help out by doing more general housework rather than stepping up for sharing of regular baby-care tasks (nappy changes & so on). It's working great so far (4 days, ha!) apart from Ocean caught a cold on day two so I've been caring for him a bit extra in the last couple of days. Family vibe at home feels real and good.
 
Yay, congratulations!
 
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