Taking Love Seriously - Nadya's Notebook

Another summer. Two plus years of this Vee relationship behind, almost a year of living together behind.

Kevin has written many times on these boards: first year forming, second year storming, third year norming. There might be some truth to it...

I feel we are now in the norming phase. All three of us seem to have settled in this living situation, everyone feels at home here. We work together to our mutual goals as a family, yet everyone has their own field that they take care about.

Somehow it feels like being poly is no big deal. We just live our lives, our family is like this - so what?

People do visit our home, friends, relatives, neighbors. Not very often, but more in the summer than in the winter. All visitors seem to stay by the coffee table longer than needed for courtesy reasons - I hope they find the atmosphere in our home inviting and cozy. I definitely do! :D
 
Now I am facing a new chapter in my life, feels like. Just formed this very intense connection with a new person - and he is local! I'll call him Jeremy. I had earlier this year a sort of long distance thing and that might continue in the future but this is the first new local connection since forming my live-in Vee.

Mark is struggling. He witnessed this friendship take a different form and become an intimate relationship, and he has intense emotions to tackle. This is the first time I am seriously dating someone else since meeting Mark. He is mono and very poly friendly and had no problem dating a married woman. Now, this is a different thing.

Luckily, he is able to express his feelings and we will work this out. What makes everything more complicated is the fact that most dates with Jeremy will need to happen in our home for various reasons. If I could keep these relationships more separate, it would be much easier on everyone.

Guess I just need to do some scheduling and a lot of reassuring and we will be fine. Mark knows intellectually that I have never closed our relationship and lean towards relationship anarchy in my philosophy. He needs to get used to the new reality.

So far CJ has had no problems with this development.
 
Oo, exciting! Good luck with Jeremy, you sound happy about this new connection. :) I hope Mark deals with it OK eventually. But like you said, it's good that he's expressing his feelings. That will make it so much easier to deal with it, for both of you I imagine.
 
Thanks, Mya! I really am happy about this connection. Jeremy is such a special person :)

It was faster than could have been expected. Mark seems to be fine with me+Jeremy now. I am not a fan of baby steps, I love huge leaps :D

I have been giving Mark extra attention since the Jeremy thing started and I realized his fears about it. The three of us (Mark, me and Jeremy) have been hanging out together before the special connection started forming between me and Jeremy. Now, I asked them to yet again hang out together one evening, and so we did. During that time we got the opportunity to discuss things through.

I made it clear to Mark that Jeremy is well aware of how important both of my partners are to me, and especially aware of the love me and Mark share. Jeremy agreed and told Mark that he absolutely respects the connection and commitment existing between me and Mark. Also, a lot of kissing and cuddling with Mark in Jeremy's presence made Mark understand that things are fine and I am not going to leave him - nor is Jeremy trying to steal me away from him.

The scheduling part is still a bit open. So far the plan is to spend time with Jeremy once a week - that could be realistic. Let's see how it goes.
 
Life is good. We all are finding a balance in the new situation, and I have had time for re-establishing the bond with my life partners as well as building the new connection with Jeremy.

Oh yes, Jeremy. He is a very balanced person, mentally and spiritually stable. Being with him is so easy and natural... Recently - over the last year or so - I have been actively working within myself to find a better balance in my life. Before my connection with Jeremy started to develop, I had realized that the inner work had been fruitful. I was mentally healthier than ever before. There have been no signs of depression for quite some time and somehow my view on life has changed to a more positive one somewhere deep down. Also have found better ways to deal with anxiety.

Now, as my own mental and spiritual health is good, I found a new person who also is balanced and healthy. Yay! I see how my relationships reflect the point I have been in my inner life while starting the relationship in question. Of course, my partners have been living and developing further since the point we met, and I still feel that we match well, both with CJ and with Mark.

I think finally I am in the point where I'd rather live than die. Have not been thinking about death for a very long time - can't really remember the last time. No suicidal thoughts left whatsoever. Seriously, I did not think this day would ever come. Depression, wanting to die and planning how to make it happen has been my second nature for all my adult life. Wonder if this feeling that I have now is what "normal people" are having about life... it is a pleasant experience, let me tell you.
 
Coming down from NRE high

It has been 5+ months since the relationship with Jeremy started and now finally I am feeling somewhat normal again. Boy, that was one heck of an NRE trip! Definitely the worst case of infatuation in my entire life - months went by without me being able to really think about anything else than Jeremy. Thank heavens it seems to be over now!

I mean, of course there are some nice parts about the pink and fluffy feeling, but it gets tiring after a while. And, the real life suffers...

The last month or so I have been actively repairing the damage this NRE caused into my relationship with CJ. He felt totally rejected and ignored - and not without a good reason. Now I am wondering if I will really be able to share my time and energy with three partners... The solution so far has been to concentrate more on the home life and CJ and give less time to Jeremy.

Jeremy seems fine with this development. He started dating me with the full knowledge of my other partners and what my life looks like otherwise. He has been happy to receive all the attention and affection I was giving him in the beginning, but seems to understand my situation as it is now. We have both stated that we want to keep dating each other and are willing to work on a solution for time management and other practical things to make things more comfortable for CJ.

Things with Mark are fine. He had his issues about (me+Jeremy) early on, worked through them quickly and has been very supportive ever since. He sees the value Jeremy brings into my life and has most probably been a bit amused about the whole situation.
 
About Commitment

In the last months there has been some discussion on this forum about commitment in non-escalator relationships. I have been reading them but not commenting much - and have done a good deal of thinking.

I am now for the first time in my life in a situation where I have one relationship that seems to not be on the escalator. In the past I really wanted and needed traditional style commitment in my relationships, and I got all I ever wanted: two nesting partners and a wonderful home. And then, out of the blue, a third partner!

The connection with Jeremy is easy and natural. Still, it sometimes feels - well, a bit funny - to know that the relationship is not "going anywhere". I fully understand that it is okay to have non-escalator relationships, but first time is a first time for everything.

I have had interesting discussions with Jeremy about what we both understand with "commitment". I realized that I associate the word very strongly to the longevity of the relationship - ie. "til death us part". Of course, that comes from my Christian upbringing. For Jeremy, commitment had meant sexual monogamy - until he met me. Then, he understands the relationship escalator thing, too - that commitment means entwining lives together in a traditional way.

So, me and Jeremy have come to the conclusion that our relationship is not "committed", not in the aforementioned meanings anyway. And that is okay.

I'll be very interested in seeing how this develops, and whether or not we will ever feel committed to each other.
 
The last six months or so have been totally crazy in my life. Not because of poly issues but other things: illness in my chosen family and all sorts of drama and unexpected happenings in my birth family. I have had very little to do with my birth family for the last decade or so, but now the drama sought me out and I could not really prevent becoming involved in it. Today the drama has calmed down and I have time to sit down and ponder what just happened.

I came out as poly to a few of my relatives who still are strictly religious. My philosophy has been that people who are in my “inner circle” need to know about my chosen family. If I don’t feel safe enough telling someone that I am poly, that person is not qualified to be in my life actively. Now, some of my relatives expressed a wish to have more contact with me than before. My test to them was to tell I am poly and living with two partners (as well as dating a third) and see where this would lead. The result as of today: it lead nowhere. These people are not able to handle that kind of information, and the communication with them is as awkward as ever. The difference is that now both parties know why it is awkward!! In a sense I am feeling a bit relieved; I was right all along.

The family drama might still continue in the future. We’ll see what happens.

My poly tangle has undergone some changes as well, but nothing major. CJ is having a difficult time in his life (health issues), and I have done my best to support him. It might not have been enough or the right things but I’ve tried. To reduce his stress levels I have moved my dates with Jeremy over to Jeremy’s place. CJ has some issues with (me+Jeremy) and since he is having other troubles in his life, I thought it is better if he does not need to see Jeremy or hear about him too much now. Also, CJ has stopped dating new people, he has no energy for it now. He had a really promising potential in the end of last year but it somehow ended because of the health issues he is having.

It took some time for Jeremy to be okay about not coming over to my place - he really likes visiting us. Now we are quite happy about what we have, even under these circumstances. The relationship seems to be a long-term thing, there is no indication it would end anytime soon.

And Mark - that part goes well - no drama, no changes. Or if there is change it is deeper loving feelings and more passion between us :) He sometimes misses having Jeremy over, but understands why it is better like this for now.
 
So my relationship with Jeremy fizzled out little by little. There has been no contact for several weeks, no official break-up, just... silence. So be it.

I am thankful for what we had. He brought a lot of good things into my life, the kind that stays. I learned a more positive and relaxed attitude towards life from him, and it has helped me through all the hard times life gave me this year. We both felt that our connection was meant to be, and at least for me it was... well, if not necessary then at least something very positive.
 
I am not very active on updates here... Me and Jeremy did finally have a chance to talk and we had an official break-up. It was a while ago, and things are good. He lives nearby and we have bumped into each other a few times and it is nice to see him every time.

My thought of today: I am so fed up with the mononormativity of this society! Mostly it does not bother me, but... I realized that I can't read the regular women's magazines any more! They are so full of stories about relationships - hetero mono marriages, namely. I mean, there might be an article once in a blue moon about a gay couple or even about polyamory, but of course that is just a curiosity. Nothing to take seriously, unlike all the married mono hetero couples they interview all the time... blech.
 
One less relationship gives me so much more time for other things than relationshipping! The two domestic relationships are both going strong, and after all this time together things just go smoothly. I do enjoy the time and energy for other things! Not that I would have filled my time with a lot of activities... it is more about what things occupy my thoughts. Now it is a wider variety of topics. :)

When me and Jeremy first got together, my nesting partners were worried that I would stretch myself too thin. They were not entirely wrong. I did manage, but life is easier this way.

I might well find a new connection in the future and want to explore that, but right now this situation feels good. I often have these moments when I feel extremely happy and in love with both of my guys.
 
I totally know what you mean by one less relationship meaning more time to think about other things! I've also noticed that. It's not all just about time spent with people, it's also about time and energy spent thinking about them. I'm really glad to hear that you're so happy with your current situation. :)
 
Well then... I used my extra free time by picking up a project - that is what I do, often. With this new activity, I have had way less time with my partners than before. Especially my and CJ's timetables don't match and finding time together is hard. The situation should get easier soon enough.

My guys both think that my new project is good for me and in the end for them, too, and they give me their blessings. Even CJ does not complain about less time together.

I start to understand and enjoy the benefits of long term stable relationships. These two relationships are the longest term ones in my life so far - also, these are the first ones with mutual understanding, support, closeness and love. I mean, I never felt safe like this with people before. Definitely not with my parents and siblings, not with my friends... this is a new universe for me. I have people who are there for me, supporting me in all possible ways. It feels good and makes life easier. Also, when the basis is solid, I can reach new heights in other areas of my life, both professionally and in my free time projects.
 
I have started dreaming about a commitment ceremony with Mark. I want to marry him, too. So far I have not felt a need for external signs of commitment - we already do share most things legally married couples share. Still am not sure about whether or not to organize such a ceremony and how that would look like. Guess I'd like to have a party with some of our closest friends being present. We'll see.

Mark wants to have a ceremony, too. We have looked into a pagan community - their priest might agree to have a ceremony without the paperwork.
 
Oh, the title of my blog thread here... did not even think about it. Taking Love Seriously. There is a new Love in my life now - something big and important. Love that needs to be taken very seriously. Don't want to write too much about it quite yet. Don't want to give any names to what it is and what it is not. Just Love.

A few weeks ago I realized that I want to live. I have started thinking that actually it was a good thing to be born into this world. Good for me, not only good for others. My inner child is thriving these days, and I am being more innovative in my life.
 
It's been a while... Rough times. A very badly gone romance, and recovering from that. Been off any dating or poly scene since the summer, just cocooning at home with my guys, talking to my long time friends for support as well. Will keep things this way for a while. No new relationships for now.

Just - hi to you people that I "know" from here. Let's see if I will have interest in reading more of these discussions again.
 
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