I miss Boringguy

Inyourendo

New member
They reminded me of House and I miss their snarky sense of humor. I see they were banned although honestly I can't for the life of me see why. :(
 
For being honest with another member.
 
I don't miss him. I enjoyed his snarky postings at first but they increasingly veered towards cruelty. The way he wrote made it harder to have a real conversation - something I treasure here and is rare in internet-land. I rarely want to stop people from talking the way they want to but I was getting to the point where I didn't enjoy the forum any more.
 
Boringguy is female.

I think lots of people count a real conversation as one where they are consistently validated and never opposed or challenged.
 
Yeah? Good to know. Sadly I associate that type of behaviors mostly with men.

A real conversation for me is one where all involved have a chance to truly listen and understand each other. That includes being challenged and argued with. It does not include being agreed with. Validation in some circles (including mine) does not mean that one has been agreed with. It means one has been listened to and understood. It does not include cruelty dressed up as 'I'm just being honest'.

A lot of people seem to think being honest just means being blunt. But to be actually heard and understood, honesty also needs tact and kindness. Otherwise the other person just gets defensive at which point the possibly of actual communication goes out the window.
 
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Meh, sometimes honesty is blunt. Sometimes being honest is cruel. I'm not sure that the person becoming defensive when they've often asked (directly or indirectly) for honesty is in the right. I actually think they are the ones responsible for the breakdown in communication.

I know personally, it would help me tremendously if people had the insight to say "I am just looking for validation here" when they obviously are refuting anything but validation under the guise of seeking help.

The other thing is that when you disagree with someone, they often say "you don't understand" because they think that if you did understand the intricacies of their situation, you'd be saying something that validates them. Again, this dysfunction in their theory of mind isn't the fault of the person giving their opinion/advice. It's actually an aspect of emotional intelligence that some people (and not just us autists) very much lack. Especially in this "you don't understand" situation.
 
Telling the truth often does hurt the other person and is painful for all involved. I tell my partners I will likely hurt them at some point as I will need to say or do something honest. Causing pain is not the same as being cruel. There is a saying in my local BDSM community 'I will hurt you, but I won't harm you' specifically for sadistic play. I think that's a critical difference in emotional pain too. I've had to tell people hard things that hurt them, and have had the same done to me. But I've tried to do so in a way that isn't cruel on top of what I have to say. It is entirely possible to be clear and direct without being blunt or cruel.

But, yes, I've seen the scenarios you've mentioned below IRL and here too. Not everyone realizes that understanding someone doesn't automatically mean agreement with them. Sometimes they don't want a real conversation because that requires work and effort and might result in changing their mind.

But I think you are doing yourself a disservice london when you put most or all of the responsibility on the other person to listen to what you are saying. It's your responsibility to communicate in ways that can be heard. I often see your postings and think you've really hit the nail on the head. And then I think, 'OP is not going to be able to grasp this because of how it was said'. And, often, that's what happens. If the way in which you phrase things makes it much less likely for the person to get your meaning, then sadly you've wasted your time. And that's too bad because you have fine insights that people could benefit from.
 
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Opal you know bg .....she was neon the first time around. I think during her second life as boring guy she toned it down a bit :D. As much as she and I argued she was funny and very smart.
 
Yes dingedheart I agree. Especially the "funny and very smart" part.

And opalescent, I agree with you too.

Particularly:
"It is entirely possible to be clear and direct without being blunt or cruel."

And,
"If the way in which you phrase things makes it much less likely for the person to get your meaning, then sadly you've wasted your time."

As for BoringGuy, a little birdie told me that "he" is doing fine, and was probably better off distancing herself from Polyamory.com anyway. There's even a new forum she's involved in, though it's stuck on the ground right now (in terms of participation).

Sometimes I find ruthless banter to be entertaining; I guess it just comes down to whether all the participants undertand that's all it is and are consenting to it. Now when I think someone's getting serious about really driving a blade through someone else's ribs, then I'm not so keen on it. I guess some stabbings are accidental but they're still messed up.

I do think it's important to hear dissenting opinions and consider them carefully even if they're delivered in a heavy-handed way. Sometimes an enemy can be right about something even if they are (or seem to be) my enemy. I try to consider changing my mind (once I've pulled myself together at least) when I've been presented with good and valid reason to do so.
 
I'm aware of the pros and cons of my communication style, but communicating any other way makes me unhappy because I often feel that I'm not able to say what I really feel.

This is going to sound evil, but I actually prefer when people realise that I was more than a little bit right when it's too late for them to do anything about it.

On the other hand, I often come across people who do respond positively to my communication style and they see the benefit of my approach to whatever it is. I actually enjoy helping people and I do seem to help those people at a time when they can improve their situation. Those few people are worth any negative situations I have with those who have decided to get defensive.
 
Opal you know bg .....she was neon the first time around. I think during her second life as boring guy she toned it down a bit :D. As much as she and I argued she was funny and very smart

Hey dh! How are you? Yeah? I'm learning all kinds of things from this thread. You know, I also thought neon lost her shit near the end of her time as neon. Again edging toward the cruel and dismissive.

Yes dingedheart I agree. Especially the "funny and very smart" part.

And opalescent, I agree with you too.

Particularly:


And,


As for BoringGuy, a little birdie told me that "he" is doing fine, and was probably better off distancing herself from Polyamory.com anyway. There's even a new forum she's involved in, though it's stuck on the ground right now (in terms of participation).

Sometimes I find ruthless banter to be entertaining; I guess it just comes down to whether all the participants undertand that's all it is and are consenting to it. Now when I think someone's getting serious about really driving a blade through someone else's ribs, then I'm not so keen on it. I guess some stabbings are accidental but they're still messed up.

I do think it's important to hear dissenting opinions and consider them carefully even if they're delivered in a heavy-handed way. Sometimes an enemy can be right about something even if they are (or seem to be) my enemy. I try to consider changing my mind (once I've pulled myself together at least) when I've been presented with good and valid reason to do so.

I'm glad to hear she's fine.

You know, I don't take seriously the ideas of people out to get me. Why? Because they are out to get me. Why would I hurt myself that way?

However, I try to listen to people who tell me things in an inept, hurtful way, who I perceive are not trying to actually harm me. I'm not perfect, this is hard to do. But I try.

I'm aware of the pros and cons of my communication style, but communicating any other way makes me unhappy because I often feel that I'm not able to say what I really feel.

This is going to sound evil, but I actually prefer when people realise that I was more than a little bit right when it's too late for them to do anything about it.

On the other hand, I often come across people who do respond positively to my communication style and they see the benefit of my approach to whatever it is. I actually enjoy helping people and I do seem to help those people at a time when they can improve their situation. Those few people are worth any negative situations I have with those who have decided to get defensive.

Ok, seems like a waste of your time to me, but I am not you, and vice versa.

So you're kind off the opposite of Google? 'Be evil!' london's slogan. :D
 
It takes a real effort to get banned from the board. Moderators don't prefer to use that method.

So when someone does get banned, there's a damn good reason for it.

However-it is unlikely other posters would be able to "see" why" unless they were involved in the situation causing it, because anytime we have posts that break the guidelines for the board, we delete them. Therefore; the posts you are able to "see" after we've banned someone, are the posts that did NOT break the guidelines.
 
Good point, good point
 
However-it is unlikely other posters would be able to "see" why" unless they were involved in the situation causing it, because anytime we have posts that break the guidelines for the board, we delete them. Therefore; the posts you are able to "see" after we've banned someone, are the posts that did NOT break the guidelines.

Good to know.
 
Oh that makes sense. I didn't realize that mods deleted posts of contributing members, thought that was something reserved for spam
 
Hey dh! How are you? Yeah? I'm learning all kinds of things from this thread. You know, I also thought neon lost her shit near the end of her time as neon. Again edging toward the cruel and dismissive.

I'm Great...we need to catch up ...I'll read your blog and send you a pm :D

The learning never stops on this forum :D

I might have involved in one of her banning ....I mean she might have been on a thread I wrote.......and like LR said that stuff gets deleted...so dont think I saw the offensive stuff. You know I'm ok with a lively and spirited discussion :D


I do remember thinking back then if people keeping jumping new members who are clearly in difficult situations telling them how stupid or how emotionally immature they are...or they need to grow a pair ...you arent going to get many new people to contribute....AND you are going to turn off the older members. I know LR and I talked about this a few times and likewise with RP and other Mods.

Some people felt intimidated by the questions or the number of questions I'd ask so I'm not sure where the line is.

And I have no doubt she's fine :D I dont think we need to worry about her.
 
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Sometimes I find ruthless banter to be entertaining; I guess it just comes down to whether all the participants undertand that's all it is and are consenting to it.

I think this is the key point. People new to the board, will not have a feel for each poster's personality when posting and will feel attacked. IRL there are people I can be blunt with and there are others that I can't. Having a tenancy for being "blunt" is no excuse for being cruel. Cruelty will just drive people away. Now I have some friends with Autism & Aspergers and conversations with them can be extremely abrasive and harsh, but it's part of the disorder. I've learned how to recognize that they aren't trying to be cruel, at least in person, but that's harder to do in the typed word, especially with strangers.
 
If the typed word is all you have to work with (no vocal tone, facial expression, or body language), then it seems to me that choosing your words with extra care is the logical thing to do.

Re:
"Having a tendency for being 'blunt' is no excuse for being cruel."

Totally agree.
 
Oh that makes sense. I didn't realize that mods deleted posts of contributing members, thought that was something reserved for spam

We won't delete posts unless they specifically break the guidelines. Spam is one thing that breaks guidelines. Trolls is another.

It is a good idea to read the guidelines. We also don't just automatically ban a person, there are usually warnings given before it comes to that.
 
Oh no! London's gone too! Now how I am going to amuse myself here?
 
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