How can I help my hubby?

eveningkiss

New member
Hello! This may get long but I think it is important to have a little background on my situation. This is my disclaimer. I don't want anyone to take offence to anything as I am just staying the facts and everyone is entitled to their personal preferences in life be it personality style or body type.

My husband and I have ben together for almost 8 years. When we first started dating we established that polyamory was something we wanted to explore. We started like most couples do..... the fantasy/idea that we wanted a third. I am bi so it fit our comfort level at the time. As our relationship evolved and we started dating we came to the realization that we needed to be more flexible in what we were looking for. I encouraged him when a woman showed interest to pursue the relationship.

Now some things that are relevant to know about my husband. He is very picky. He likes intelligent women. He also is only attracted to slender women. I myself am a very slender woman. Age doesn't really come into play for him. He's reasonable about his wants and needs and knows what does and doesn't work for him.

In every situation he has been in or we have been in together when things turn sexual things just don't work for him. To be more specific he only has problems with the actual physical act of sex with other women. When we've been together everything functions fine with me but when he tries to engage the other woman things just don't work. He has done other types of sexual acts with others and everything is fine.

We talk constantly. We communicate constantly and I have never once left him with an impression that anything that was happening made me uncomfortable. I encourage and support it. I get major compersion. I love sending him off to spend time with others.

Sure we've had little hiccups along the way but they were minor. Things like if you tell me you're going to be home in time to put your son to bed then be home or at least give me a heads up that you wont be. Our solution was don't put any time expectations when you are going out. You get home when you get home. Like I said nothing major. No fits of jealousy.

At first we thought that maybe it was a situational thing. Cute girl, really liked her but when we were together she and I just didn't have sexual compatibility. Considered that was why things didn't work for him. So we figured maybe it was because I wasn't all that into it. It may be important to note that he played with her without me too. Things worked enough but he said it was a struggle.

Next time. Cute enough girl. We liked her personality and she and I had great sexual chemistry. We were having a blast. Once again when it came to him and her things just didn't work. So this time we figured maybe he wasn't all that physically attracted to her.

Now take me out of the equation. He has a girlfriend. She is just his type. There should be no reason things don't work. I send him off with a kiss, tell him to have fun and be ready to give me all the juicy details. I really enjoy hearing about the time he spends with her. They had fooled around before and things were good. Once again when it came time for actual sex. It was a challenge. He told me he had to actually close his eyes and imagine it was me for things to finally work.

He is a thinker. Our best guess is that his brain gets in the way. He was never one to just have sex to have sex. I don't believe he ever in his life had a one night stand. He likes the emotional attachment. He wants to know people. Any suggestions on how to help him move past this? Pills are not an option for him. Things work just fine with me. Also, it is important to note that he doesn't drink or do drugs so those aren't the problem either.

I would love to hear if others have experienced this or if there are any suggestions on ways I can help him or he can help himself.
 
Maybe he needs to put this to the back of his mind. For some reason, it seems that he only likes penetrative sex with you. Does it really matter why? I do think he should say to people that he isn't into that sort of sex but it shouldn't be a major deal breaker with everyone. He seems to enjoy many other aspects of polyamory and he should focus on those. I bet if he stops worrying about it and concentrates on what he does find easy about bonding with other people, it will happen naturally.
 
Unfortunately performance anxiety can just bring about more performance anxiety.

If he's the type of person that isn't into sex just for the sex, then maybe what he needs is to take things slow with another woman and actually establish more of that connection first so that he WILL be into the sex.

I also agree with the previous comment that he should maybe engage in other sexual things that aren't penetration and maybe then when he knows there's no pressure, he'll stop thinking and worrying about it, and things will happen.
 
Thank you both! I agree that the performance anxiety is getting to him. Things don't go right at first it just gets more frustrating.

As far as taking the time he definitely has been. He isn't one to just jump into bed with just anyone. I think his most recent girlfriend they dated and saw each other for about 2 months before sex came into the picture.

I have written the next part over and over and it just comes out all wrong. I don't want it to come off the wrong way. I'm just going to go with it. I worry that my husband compares everyone to me. He states that I am just perfection in every way, from how I feel, to the things I do, to the way I look, and who I am as a person. It isn't fair and I realize that and tell him each person is different.

I have brought up to him that maybe he just isn't poly. Maybe he is hung up on the fantasy but not the actual act. (You know that perfect person that fits our lives.) I've even supported him in taking a step back but he seems so determined to find someone. (I in no way have negative feelings about it.)

Maybe it is just a matter of reassuring him again and again that I am comfortable with it and ok with it. I just can't wrap my head around why he would feel that I'm not. Silly as it sounds sometimes I wish he would just let go and not worry about me so much. I would love to see him get caught up in the moment and in NRE. He just doesn't.
 
When I read your post, my first thought was that he feels guilty about trying to have sex with another woman. Intellectually, he probably knows you're okay with it, and therefore it's an okay thing to do, but if he's the type who needs an emotional connection before sex can happen, he might *feel* like he's cheating on you or otherwise compromising your marriage.

The thing with feeling that way... You can tell him eighty hundred zillion times that you want him to find another woman to have fun with, and you're happy if he gets to have sex with another partner, and that it isn't a problem in the marriage, and he might *believe* you... but that isn't going to change how he *feels.*

When I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend S2, I made it clear from the beginning that if he wanted to see other women as well, I wasn't going to stop him and would be happy for him as long as he stayed within a few agreements we made. He only went on one date during the relationship, about two months in. He told me a few days before it that he felt like he was cheating on me. He told me afterward that he'd had fun with her and might want to see her again, but that he *still* felt like he was cheating on me. He never saw her again, and didn't go out on dates with anyone else until early August of this year, over a year after he and I met...even though for the last two months of our time together, we were purely platonic. Until he met the woman he had that August date with, who's now his girlfriend, he couldn't stomach the thought of dating anyone else because he felt like he was cheating on me. (He claimed he still felt that way even after he accepted the first date with his now-girlfriend, but by then he'd been dishonest with me about a few things, so I don't know how truthful his claim was.)

So feelings don't always respond well to logic. Your husband logically knows that you and he have a polyamorous arrangement and he isn't doing anything wrong by seeing other women and having sex with them, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel some guilt about it. And guilt can definitely interfere with getting aroused.
 
Welcome, Eveningkiss.

This quote is the only part of your post I could find that relates to polyamory:
He was never one to just have sex to have sex. I don't believe he ever in his life had a one night stand. He likes the emotional attachment. He wants to know people.

And yet, the next quote seems to express that you think there is something wrong with his need to get to know someone and have an emotional connection, as if this is something to be corrected, a perplexing need of which he should leave behind:
Any suggestions on how to help him move past this?
Why would you even ask this last question on a polyamory site? Do you only want him to engage in casual, NSA fucking? That can be a part of the life a polyamorist leads, just like group sex and threesomes can be, but neither of those things are necessary for polyamory and indeed, is not actually what poly essentially is (poly = many, amory = love)!

He isn't one to just jump into bed with just anyone. I think his most recent girlfriend they dated and saw each other for about 2 months before sex came into the picture . . . I have brought up to him that maybe he just isn't poly.
On the contrary, it seems he is indeed very polyamorous. More than you are! He wants to connect on more levels than just the physical. You, apparently, are more polysexual than polyamorous and it seems you can't quite figure out why he can't function sexually while attempting to have casual sex. Also wondering if he feels pressured by you to keep up with having casual flings when he really would rather develop deeper relationships.

Perhps you should do some reading on poly to understand him better.
 
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Welcome, Eveningkiss.

This quote is the only part of your post I could find that relates to polyamory:


And yet, the next quote seems to express that you think there is something wrong with his need to get to know someone and have an emotional connection, as if this is something to be corrected, a perplexing need of which he should leave behind:

Why would you even ask this last question on a polyamory site? Do you only want him to engage in casual, NSA fucking? That can be a part of the life a polyamorist leads, just like group sex and threesomes can be, but neither of those things are necessary for polyamory and indeed, is not actually what poly essentially is (poly = many, amory = love)!


On the contrary, it seems he is indeed very polyamorous. More than you are! He wants to connect on more levels than just the physical. You, apparently, are more polysexual than polyamorous and it seems you can't quite figure out why he can't function sexually while attempting to have casual sex. Also wondering if he feels pressured by you to keep up with having casual flings when he really would rather develop deeper relationships.

Perhps you should do some reading on poly to understand him better.

It's completely clear that this couple started off "unicorn hunting" and then transitioned to dating separately. The husband has a girlfriend, he just isn't sexually intimate with her. It has everything to do with polyamory. What are you talking about NYCindie?!
 
When you first starred dating non-monogamy was discussed .....that was then 2 single people being bold and open minded. Theory. That was then this is now ...I don't think he is poly and I think he is just doing all this to be a team player and keep things balanced or to be distracted when you date.

IMO there is nothing you can do for him.....besides getting him an appointment with someone. I think his gut / body are telling him " his " truth.
 
MMax, Tried answering in the wee hours this morning but my browser keeps crashing, ugh.

It has everything to do with polyamory. What are you talking about NYCindie?!
Hmm, I thought I was clear. The OP seems to say that they started out looking for a sexual partner just for fun, then hubby has problems getting it up or finishing or something like that for these women, even having to close his eyes and pretend it's his wife he is with. The beginning of her first post was focused on sex, and there's nothing wrong with that, considering that he's having a problem "performing," but it just didn't seem to me like what she wrote about had anything to do with polyamory -- having/managing multiple loving relationships. Yes, she was talking about non-monogamy, and I'm not saying everybody has to fall in love to practice polyamory, but we all know there's more to poly than just being non-monogamous and having sex with lots of different people. And some people can separate sex from love/affection or deeper feelings, but lots of people cannot.

So, while I was reading the OP's initial post, I wondered where poly fit into the story -- until this:
I don't believe he ever in his life had a one night stand. He likes the emotional attachment. He wants to know people. Any suggestions on how to help him move past this?
To me, that sounded like OP feels hubby needs to "move past" his need for emotional attachment and getting to know people so he can enjoy casual fucking. It sounds like she is more casual sex-oriented, while he wants relationships with a deeper or at least emotional connection.

That her husband "never wants to just have sex to have sex," craves emotional connection, and wants to invest in knowing someone, etc., seems to say that he wants much more than just the physical act in these liaisons. He keeps expressing to her that he wants to pursue other relationships, that he wants polyamory. However, it seems that the OP is very concerned about the fucking, and seems more polysexual than polyamorous in her focus. She seemed to be saying she thinks that his need for more than a casual fuck is the problem, and she wants him to get over it and just be able to fuck without connecting intimately, and also to report back to her about it. That could feel like a lot of pressure to someone who wants intimacy and tenderness rather than random sexcapades, and might be contributing to whatever dysfunction he's experiencing.

Am I misreading it? It seemed to really stand out when I read it. But I also think perhaps DingedHeart is onto something.
 
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Hi eveningkiss,

I am thinking it's one of two things: either your husband needs more than a few months to get to know a new lady, or maybe he's very monogamous at heart. Having said that, I will note that the choice is up to him whether to attempt polyamory, but these are things that might rein him in.

It seems okay to me for him to just have nonpenetrative sex with a new lady, and not put a deadline on when he'll try to do more than that. For sex to be enjoyable for me, I have to be able to relax. Maybe your husband needs that chance to relax and have fun.

Now don't be upset, but I think it's also possible that it would help your husband if he didn't describe the encounter to you afterwards. If he does describe it, that's like putting you in the room with him (and the other lady). Could be that thought drains his ability to perform.

One other thought, a sex therapist might be able to help him. Something to consider if you haven't already tried it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I send him off with a kiss, tell him to have fun and be ready to give me all the juicy details. ......

He was never one to just have sex to have sex. ....He likes the emotional attachment. He wants to know people.

JMO of course, but if he is one for emotional attachment, actually knowing people, it seems that sex is real intimacy to him. And that seems rather at odds with 'go have sex with her and tell me about it.' To many, that might appear as using her as a marital aid--having sex and coming home to tell about it for the two of you to get excited about.

Is this woman aware that he's supposed to go home and tell all the juicy details? Did she agree to this?

If sex is emotionally meaningful to him, perhaps he's unable to have sex with a woman on the above terms.
 
I don't need to be emotionally attached to someone but I do have to like them. if husband brought home a cute chic I wouldn't want to have sex with her, I would need to get to know her and like her as a person. It's no different for men
 
I have to agree with some of the above posts. It seems like you might be putting some unnecessary pressure on your husband if he's to fill you in on all the details afterwards. It could also be taking away from the experience and making it feel less intimate for him.

Also, it's not your problem to fix. It's up to him and his girlfriend to address if it's viewed as a problem between them.
 
Thank you so much everyone for your constructive replies. I had a HUGE response written out but when I got to the end I guess I had an epiphany. I could post all of my thought process but honestly what would the point be?

I honestly at this point believe that my husband just isn't wired to have separate relationships of his own. He always wants me involved in some way shape or form. He wants poly to be something that we do together and he doesn't feel that way in his separate relationships.

Not that it is important but I don't date outside of our marriage. I have not been involved with another man since meeting him because no other men appeal to me.

What it really comes down to is this.... and I came to this realization after reading the responses and writing my original reply. He does want a unicorn that we can both love. He hasn't let go of that. I did and tried to push him to date on his own but deep down it isn't what he wants.

In this case I believe that the old adage of letting sleeping dogs lie is the way to go. I think in my efforts to show how supportive of outside relationships I was it caused me to be pushy. Whoever said it isn't my problem to fix was mostly right. My husband's issues in this case are his and he is the only one that can sort them out. I however can do one thing and that is to just let him be.

I had the best of intentions but as we all know sometimes they do backfire on us. :D
 
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