How to have sex in with others in Open Marriage

KGMlove

New member
Hi everyone,

So as I've said in other threads, my husband and I are in an open marriage. We don't desire to have anyone live with us. So it just dawned on me. If we meet and fall in love with someone else who is also married but may not want to share their marriage bed, how the heck do we have sex? I know for us, we aren't sharing our bed because our young kids wouldn't understand and we aren't ready to be that open about it. We are totally in support of each other finding people to date and also have sex with but I can't believe I didn't think about this before. So maybe it's best for us to date single people? We both already found people who are married and wanting to meet for coffee so that's why I was thinking about this.
 
That's definitely a possible scenario. I'm reasonably sure it's one of the reasons a guy I met last week backtracked on wanting to keep seeing me; he isn't married or involved with a live-in partner, but his teenage son lives with him, so he doesn't like bringing women home lest he set a bad example for his son. And Hubby and I have had the agreement all along that no other partners are allowed at our home; that's pretty much the only non-negotiable agreement we have.

I wouldn't say it's necessarily best to date single people. Some single people can't or won't bring people home either, like the guy I mentioned above. And some married poly people do bring others home; the FWB I just ended things with often spent the night with his girlfriend at the home she shares with her other partner, while said other partner was there. Some couples have a guest room where they can share a bed--either overnight or just for sex--with another partner. Some couples arrange it so one partner is out of the house when the other wants to bring someone over.

And some people have to shell out for hotel rooms when they want to have sex and/or spend the night together.

To be honest, I think you're jumping too far ahead with this. Each person you meet might have a different situation, so it's probably best to meet them, then decide if you want to have sex with them, and *then* decide where it's going to happen.
 
Are you saying that you can't have overnight guests? I ask because you can have sex at other times of the day when the kids aren't there. And kids don't need to understand or know what's going on if you just say a friend is sleeping over. Anyway... if you hit it off with someone, you explain that you can't have anyone over and ask if they can. If not, you can go to a hotel. But lots of experienced polyfolk will have an extra guest room or a pull-out couch in a den, that sort of thing. If you meet someone you really like, you'll make it work.
 
Shell out for a hotel or date people who can host.

Honestly...Young kids don't think too much about who their parents sleep with. Older kids try not think about their parents having sex.

My kids haven't blinked at the situation.
 
I just don't date people who have live in partners because I need to be able to spend the night at a partners home at least weekly to date them. Husband usually goes and has sex with people at their house but another option could be splitting cost of motel rooms. One of his fuck buddies takes him to her friend's house for sex.
 
Motels was the first thing that came to my mind. (Do any of them rent by the hour instead of overnight?)
 
Not any most people would care to stay in!
 
Thanks. I thought about hotels but being that I don't have a lot of money I would expect the guy to foot the bill. However, not sure if that is practical on a somewhat regular basis. So I guess I Just have to be upfront and only date people who are either single or in a more open poly relationship where the wife doesn't mind me being there (although that would be weird). Or as mentioned, have sex during the day. I'm not trying to get ahead of myself, but I am a big picture person. I'm not sex crazed, but I'm also realistic and not in it just for platonic dating. :)
 
Hahaha. We are two people married with children and time and space to have sex can definitely be a challenge. We've grabbed hotels a couple times. We've van camped a few times. Sometimes we use my basement guest room, for sex at the end of a date and occasionally a sleepover. Pussy Galore still feels very awkward doing the "walk of shame" out the door when my wife and kids are up.
It's definitely not something you can plan in advance. Totally depends on the person and their situation.
 
I get irritated if I have to host all the time because other partner isn't allowed to have guests at their house.
This could become an issue with Jay soon. I did have the one visit to his house, he has his own room, but unsure when the next time will be as he has a wife and kids. It seems churlish to not want to host if I have an empty house, but always being the host does get tiresome. As long as he throws in the odd hotel night it should be fine; to even up the time and effort of the extra laundry and cleaning/tidying up.
If I was unable to host then I would split the hotel bill. I would not expect the man to pay.
 
Single people have easier time to host, but the there is also the increased risk of drama. Currently, I prefer play partners who are in stable relationships or identify as solo-poly. When none of us can host, we have to resort to renting a room in a hotel/motel. Still, my favorite is to have friends at home, when possible.
 
So as I've said in other threads, my husband and I are in an open marriage. We don't desire to have anyone live with us. So it just dawned on me. If we meet and fall in love with someone else who is also married but may not want to share their marriage bed, how the heck do we have sex? I know for us, we aren't sharing our bed because our young kids wouldn't understand and we aren't ready to be that open about it. We are totally in support of each other finding people to date and also have sex with but I can't believe I didn't think about this before. So maybe it's best for us to date single people? We both already found people who are married and wanting to meet for coffee so that's why I was thinking about this.

I'm married, but Guitarist and I don't have kids. I am however pretty territorial about my bedroom. We've talked about having a dedicated guest room in the future. For now, an air mattress in my office, or Guitarist's if he ever had someone stay over, is doing the trick. I'm also trying to work on my territoriality. It's not an aspect of my personality that I really like.

Purr isn't married, but she does have small children that she's the full-time parent of two small boys. A parent who can't really afford child care. That means sexytimes are a treat, usually snuck while the children are napping or have gone to bed, or on the rare occasion she can get a sitter. Because her family co-sleeps, we usually end up on the couch or a blanket on her living room floor.

I think if you fall in love with someone, you'll probably make it work. Good luck!
 
In the beginning, there was a room we used as a guest room - when I had a sleepover, my husband DarkKnight would move there. Hotels work too.

Now my household is set up with each of my husbands having their own bedroom and I have ownership of the master suite. The guys trade off nights in my room, so when WarMan sleeps over, he just stays in my room. He can host though, as he is single, so we usually stay over at his place. He just bought a new bed. :)
 
Single people have easier time to host, but the there is also the increased risk of drama. Currently, I prefer play partners who are in stable relationships or identify as solo-poly. When none of us can host, we have to resort to renting a room in a hotel/motel. Still, my favorite is to have friends at home, when possible.

I find the opposite to be true, no metamore means no dealing with all the drama that comes with it
 
Single people have easier time to host, but the there is also the increased risk of drama. Currently, I prefer play partners who are in stable relationships or identify as solo-poly. When none of us can host, we have to resort to renting a room in a hotel/motel. Still, my favorite is to have friends at home, when possible.

I prefer to date single mono partners. There is far far less drama. After a dozen or so partnered men and the drama their wives or girlfriends brought I prefer not to date partnered men.
 
I'm solo and can host in certain situations...but pretty much only vanilla situations. I have told my roomie I am poly, but haven't told her about the kink. It would get way too loud here...lol.

What I do is just tell them fairly early in the conversation about my living situation.
 
I'm married, but I don't have any children. So it might be a bit different than your situation. My partners are friends, which makes things easier.

I switch off weekends in which I stay with Jack at his house and then he comes to my house. We normally sleep in a guest room at my place, but have slept in the main bedroom when it was more convenient and Roger was spending the night at Taylor's. We've had to rent hotels in the past, due to his living situation, not mine.

Jack is planning on moving in sometime in the next year. By then, I'll be out to my family, colleagues, and friends (out to the latter two already).

Roger and Taylor also switch off weekends. She and Roger sleep in th guest room when they're here, though I tend to be at Jack's those weekends anyway.
 
For us, the "no partners in the home" agreement was my idea, and I even extended it to "no other partners going on boat rides" when Hubby was considering seeing others. I'm also very territorial, and I keep strong boundaries between different aspects of my life. Having sex with another man in the home I share with Hubby would blur those boundaries to a level I wouldn't be able to tolerate. And because Hubby works for his father and uncle, him taking another woman on a boat ride would have looked suspicious anyway, but I also work there occasionally. Except when Hubby's uncle is around, I feel calmer and safer at the shop sometimes than anywhere else. So the shop and the boats, to me, are an extension of home. (The one time Hubby mentioned taking a woman on a boat ride, before I set down the boundary, he was being a hypocrite anyway; he'd already told me he didn't want me to go on boat rides with any other guys.)

Before I met Hubby, during the year and a half or so after I left my kids' father, I didn't bring any partners to my home because I had an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old, and I didn't want to endanger them. I was meeting men from AdultFriendFinder; even though they were men I'd met in person at group get-togethers, I didn't trust any of them enough to be comfortable wiht them knowing where my children lived. So even when the kids were with their father or grandparents and I had the house to myself, I chose not to bring partners there.

Fortunately, the only time my inability or unwillingness to host has been an issue (until now with Flip) was with the second guy I hooked up with after Hubby and I opened the marriage. He couldn't host either, because he shares an apartment with his brother, so he got a hotel room for the night. Financially the hotel room wasn't an issue for him. His problem was that he expected me to spend the night, and overnights were against my agreements with Hubby. I hadn't told him that because it hadn't occurred to me he would want me to stay over; he hadn't said he wanted me to stay over because it hadn't occurred to him that I wouldn't since he'd gone to the expense of getting a hotel room.
 
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We had a couple that we played with. The child care thing was a pain so we just switched partners and dated. He was an ass and it didn't go anywhere with those two. The woman and I were like teenagers, at least I had a full size pick up.... it was great fun. We did a motel occasionally.
 
Not any most people would care to stay in!

You'd be surprised how many motels offer hourly rates and are not stereotypically sleazy. There is a huge market of people needing a place to have privacy and many of them are average people. I was surprised when I Googled "hourly rates" in my area.

Each relationship is different. I don't have requirements or rules, I just go with my feelings in each situation. I knew one guy I'm seeing for a year before we actually had private one-on-one sex and it was in his apt with his girlfriend asleep in their bed. (She more than consents, she usually participates.) With another man I met recently, the vibe was so urgent and unrelenting that we did the motel thing after three dates and even that was not enough. Every relationship is different. I would never want to discount someone or miss out on a good thing just because my mind hadn't mapped out all of the "What Ifs" beforehand. There's a beautiful joy for me in being open to new experiences as we go along.
 
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