the unicorn and its hunters

Please don't eat me alive I'm posting to ask for advice and guidance to learn..

So my man and I have been discussing having a triad. We have found a girl who is interested even. But I of course like to research everything to death before I make a decision and I have come across "the unicorn" and it's hunters. Now I'm worried. I don't want to make these mistakes.
Firstly my man wants it to be mutual but he also wants there to be alone time between each pair. (Him and me, her and me, And them). I'm jealous but it could work.

Then the girl tells me she knows we will always be together in some fashion so if it doesn't work she has no issue falling back. While I appreciate the sentiment this girl will be bringing her children to another state into my home (we have known her for years already) I just don't want her to feel left out and decide to fall back. I told her this. She said she can't believe I'm willing to share him and I'm like he's not a prize And it's supposed to benefit all 3 of us. Soo...

Even if her and I don't click in a romantic aspect we can be bffs. I know she's crushed on my man for years and he picked her so I assume they will be fine.

He and i tried an open relationship with no luck but this gives us a little more security with the one person. Besides pretty much I'm like don't lie to me and Idgaf what you do. And I'm a monogmas creature by nature so I didn't do well trying to date.

I just don't want to make a mistakes and try to fit her into a slot we've created and I don't want her to feel left out. I need advice and guidance. I am not even that into women so if her and I aren't sexual it's fine with me and she's ok with that too. But if she wants to try I will try to make it more than platonic for her and I. I want everyone to be happy. Please don't eat me alive I'm open to advice and learning.
 
....And I'm a monogamous creature by nature so I didn't do well trying to date.

.....I am not even that into women so if her and I aren't sexual it's fine with me and she's ok with that too. But if she wants to try I will try to make it more than platonic for her and I. I want everyone to be happy.

May I ask why you would be doing all of this if you're uneasy about non-monogamy and sex with women?

Unicorn issues aside, you might consider long weekend / week long visits before moving her entire kit 'n caboodle into your house, including kids. Kids are an enormous stressor in anyone's world and co-parenting someone else's children is beyond challenging and yes, you will be a parental figure whether you intend to be or not. It sounds like an awful lot to bet on a relationship that hasn't been road tested for many months prior.

Nobody here wants to eat you alive, but you might get some straight forward responses, which are well intended. Everyone who takes the time to post does so for your benefit.
 
I'm totally open to nonmonagy it's just hard to explain. Outside my current partner I have had one other and I cried like a baby afterward. We have shared partners many times and as long as is there to hold my hand I am fine. Also I have been with women I find them attractive but I don't know if I'm up for regular sex with a woman like he is expecting I think. I've talked to the girl about this and she is fine. She is hopeful for a sexual relationship with us both But would be fine with friends only.

She is in the process of getting her kids back from her family (she Was homeless for awhile and gave them up and is now in a better place so she's getting them back) so she will be spending some time with us without her children before anything is decided. Our kids will just think we've got a friend visiting no big deal.

I have made my concerns and fears known she actually told me last night that I am the most honest woman she's ever met. I always give my feelings and what not and offer a chance for her give hers and I will offer compromise where I can. I want this to be fair I don't want her to feel like the side piece. I also don't want this to go bad after her kids are involved.

My biggest concern is that she is desperate for someone to love her to where she will agree to anything even if she's not really happy and I don't want that at all. I don't want a doormat. Cuz the resentment will build and explode. But So far to me I feel she's beenbeen honest but things change in person.
 
I am sorry but a woman willing to uproot her children and disrupt their lives by moving them across state lines immediately in a relationship sets off serious red flags for me.

Just saw the second post..... I am sorry but do not being this woman into your home. She seriously needs to have her life be stable for a while. She needs to work on her relationship with her children. Not be looking for a romantic partner. Have you considered that she may be looking for a safe place to land so to speak. Please realize that if you allow her to live in your home she will have legal rights. It will be ugly and you could have to go through a legal process to get her out.

Plus I hate to tell you kids are not stupid. Your kids even young ones can tell when someone is more than just a friend.
 
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This will be the biggest mistake of your life.

1. You have no idea if you can handle poly
2. You don't know if you will be able to handle your husband fucking, dating, and loving another woman.
3. You tried an open relationship before and it failed
4. You are planning on moving her into your home so if you start having a hard time you will not have any space to escape from her and them.
5. She will be bringing her kids which will strain your household enough even if its just a platonic friendship.

Your friend says that she has no issue stepping back if you want her to. Easily to say now, but what happens when she is in love with hubby and in the grips of NRE and not only does she not want to leave but hubby can't bear the thought of her leaving?

Search for as much as you can on this forum about unicorn hunting and triads. The rule of thumb is it will probably fail spectacularly with hurt feelings and resentment all around.
 
What's the hurry in moving in together? Living together before the relationship has even really started to develop & evolve is one of the things I find strangest about unicorn hunting. Merging households (especially when children are involved) is a huge commitment and leap of faith, even when the relationship is well established, even when it's just a mono relationship and not a new poly relationship. I'd recommend reading through past posts from people in your position, and blogs (like Lizzie Learning as She Goes in the blog section.) There are a lot of posts about what can go wrong when merging households, even when the move is planned out and the relationships well established.

I don't know, maybe I'm different, I just like to take things slower... especially since I have teens at home. My partner & I have been together for over a year and a half. I waited several months into our relationship before I introduced him to my children. It was another 6 months before he slept over when the kids were home. He is fairly integrated into our family life now (spends multiple nights at my house, takes vacations with me & the kids, etc), but we're still holding off on merging households.

Can you just try a long-distance relationship for a while before she uproots her children & moves across state lines? I think that would be the most prudent choice given the circumstances.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I want everyone to be happy. Please don't eat me alive I'm open to advice and learning.

"Everyone" includes YOU being happy.

You do not sound happy with this plan.

Firstly my man wants it to be mutual but he also wants there to be alone time between each pair. (Him and me, her and me, And them).

I don't know if I'm up for regular sex with a woman like he is expecting I think.

Just because he wants something doesn't mean the other 2 players want it too. He does not get to direct who you share sex with. Or direct her either. It is inappropriate.

Don't agree to move her in. Hubby can be date her in a "V" rather than a "triad." You prefer not to date? Then you go with what YOU prefer. Don't overlap with dating his GF just because he has some director fantasy.

If things look great in two years (the time it takes for NRE to wear off is 6 mos to 2 years) -- could think about cohabitation THEN. Moving people in too soon is another mistake people sometimes make.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together

My biggest concern is that she is desperate for someone to love her to where she will agree to anything even if she's not really happy and I don't want that at all.

Yup. So why date a desperate sounding person you do not entirely trust to be honest?

Don't move her in. Don't date her.

So far to me I feel she's been been honest but things change in person.

That sounds like you trying to talk yourself out of your previous worry and rationalize it down.

She could be charming and "honest" in her desparation to get foot in the door. There is no way for you to verify until too late. So don't go there like this to begin with would be my suggestion. That keeps you out of the line of fire and your home life calm and steady during a transition.

She can live with her kids in her own place. They date. If it doesn't pan out? They break up.

Less drama for you. Everyone already has their own home to retreat to. There is no housing issue that blocks her stepping back. If she has no issues stepping back now, she'll respect your boundary about not wanting to live together so soon. So will your husband.

Galagirl
 
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He and I have talked about moving to something like this for a year or more.

Our open relationships failed for 2 reasons he was super jealous (my bf was going to take me out of town for a weekend and he totally lost his shit even though he'd taken his gf out of town) why he flipped out I don't know he loves watching me with other men but the idea I might sleep with this person drove him nuts.
And he lied to his gf and told her he was single so that didn't work obviously.

Original plan was to date another person together casually.

Then it became he wanted 2 subs full time and we all had to play together (the other sub could be male or female) I am his current sub more like brat but same difference.

Then somehow it became he found someone interested and now here we are. At first I was totally against her but he encouraged me to talk to her and now I'm like I like this human but my other fears are still there.

He and I argued and at one point before I spoke with her cuz I was firmly against her. He told me "he wants this with or without me so if I refuse he will leave" to which I responded ok bye. Then he back tracked He wants me and won't be happy with other women but I need to be more open. I Am open to this I'm just not sure of the person and this plan.

I knew he would was just being dramatic but I am not gonna be bullied into something so if that's how he feels fine it'll suck but I'm not gonna stop him from leaving.

Now I've talked to her and like her but I'm still on the fence about his plan. I appreciate all this advice and it feels good to know all my original concerns are legit and I should have those concerns.
 
Yup. Do not be bullied just because he has some fantasy. Your concerns are legit. He sounds like is tactic hopping to get you to fold.

You do not have to consent to all this if you do not want it this way. Dom or not.

Galagirl
 
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Do not allow him to manipulate you into something you do not want period. Honestly he sounds like a spoiled child throwing a fit over a toy.

Until he gets over his I want my cake and eat it too attitude I would not pursue any outside relationships.. He has not done the work to be poly. He ruined your relationship with your boyfriend for goodness sake. He has lied and is trying to use manipulation to get what he wants.

This situation will end horrifically if you move forward with this woman. There is something rotten in Denmark. Why this woman? I believe it is because she is at a low point in her like and will agree to anything he wants just so she can feel safe and perhaps have a roof over her head.
 
Hi meplusyouplusyou,

If you decide to move ahead with this interested girl (and you should only do so if you really feel like you can consent to it), I have two bits of advice ...

One: Don't try to do a delta-triad at first (a triangle where all three of you are romantically involved with each other). Start with a V-triad where your man will be romantically involved with you and her, but where you and she are just platonic friends with each other. Then if you and she develop a romantic bond later, that's fine -- but not required.

Two: Don't move her into your home until you have "test-driven" that scenario in a very graduated way. Like, tell her to stay put for now, and only have an LDR with your man. Occasional visits before she starts thinking about moving over State lines. When she does move over State lines, have her move into her own place, separate from yours. Continue to have her visit from time to time. Slowly increase the lengths of the visits. Work up to an occasional overnight. Introduce her children to your home gradually. Go two nights in a row, then three nights in a row, etc.

All of this should be done very slowly and very cautiously. If you get to the point where she and her kids are staying at your home a week or two at a time, and all is still going well, then you can talk about all moving in together. But I wouldn't talk about that until all those intermediate stages are completed.

I don't mean to be a wet blanket, I just don't want anyone (e.g. you!) to get sucked into anything you're not thoroughly ready to do. It does help that you've already known this girl for a few years. Nonetheless: teeny tiny steps, okay? and keep us posted.

Warm regards,
Kevin T.
 
Your husband is a douche bag from the sounds of it and only cares about his wants and needs. This will crash and burn if only due to the fact that he is orchestrating it. You have been warned by EVERYONE here.
 
We were in your shoes once. We ended up with my wife's best friend in a V for 40 years with never a problem. We never discussed or labeled ourselves or the ladies' sexual identities. We just lived our life as if it was normal. In fact, it was our normal. My wife and I both knew our gf since our early teens and she was a frequent guest at our house before asking her to join us in a triad. She turned out to be the perfect unicorn.

She respected our marriage without ever having to ask her to. She liked to dominate me sexually and be the gentle lover that my wife wanted. She was my intellectual equal but could relate to my wife on an emotional level. My wife loved having her around since they were BFF's.

After the first 13 years, she wanted a husband for financial security and medical benefits but did not want to ruin the good thing we had with her. She went online and found a cuckold whose ex wife ran off with one of her lovers. She told him about us and he was OK with it. He was a non entity to us. Our gf called the shots in their marriage.

So everyone was happy. I was my wife's and girlfriend's primary lover. My wife and girlfriend were in love but only had sex with each other as part of our threesome, never without me. I had sex with them one on one after our threesome.

Only now that I started to visit forums like this do I realize how lucky we were to find the perfect "unicorn" for us. She fulfilled the needs that my wife and I could not fulfill for each other. We were complete only as a triad and when it ended, not by anyone's wishes (long story), did we realize how much she meant to us. It took us years to adjust to being just a couple again and quite frankly, my wife and I both felt happier when she was with us.

So it can work. We are living proof but unfortunately, those of us that last this long are as rare as hen's teeth. We saw it end bad for the other couples we knew with some sort of open relationship. Our best friends shared a girlfriend but the husband ended up divorcing his wife to marry his girlfriend and his wife was having a secret affair with her boss because she felt neglected and jealous with how her husband was acting with their girlfriend. Sometimes jealousy is warranted. :) Their girlfriend was the wife's best friend so go figure.

It sounds like your third is like ours so it will probably work but the danger is that after a while, she will want a primary relationship of her own and not many are going to find a cuckold to marry them. Good luck and know that what you are thinking of doing is doable. My wife is the monogamous type too. We tried wife swapping and she said I was enough man for her and never wanted to do it again. She had one male lover, me, and one female lover for most of her adult life.
 
Any man, Dom or not, who says that two women he is involved with "have to" have sex with each other is no better than a rapist. You don't even know her. Don't you know that the entire purpose of having a Dom is to benefit the sub in their own personal growth? It isn't about the Dom having his way just to get himself off. I'm not into BDSM and even I know that.

Grow a spine and dump this ass you're married to. You had the right idea when you were going to let him walk. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into having sex with someone you don't even know just to please your husband. That is the shittiest reason in the world to be with someone. From what you've written here, it seems that he doesn't respect you, or women in general.
 
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One of the mottos of this board should be, "Just say no to forced triads."

As others have said, you and this "girl" don't owe sex to your "man." I notice how she's juvenile in your words and he is an adult. Sure, there is a D/s dynamic going on here, you're playing with the idea your feelings don't matter so much, it's all about what Sir wants. But this could all become a huge mess in short order.

Your guy wants two women in his bed together. So what? It's the most common male fantasy. It looks great in porn. 2 women? Double the fun, arousal and sexual stimulation! Or so it seems. In reality, from the sounds of where your heads are at, this is a relationship that will be fraught with jealousy. Add young kids and a homeless, desperate, submissive unicorn, it is a recipe for disaster.

This kind of silly behavior is unfortunately rife in the BDSM world. Doms the world over offer to move subs into their home from across country. Or "order" them to. And weak-willed low self-esteem and financially strapped subs agree. Only to regret it a few months later when the relationship turns out to have no legs to stand on, and everything goes down in flames. Now the kids have started to adjust to a new home, new school, new friends, new "Daddy and second Mommy," and it gets ripped away from them.

If you want everyone to be "happy," be the practical one. Yes, be a "brat," if that is how you want to put it. If prospective gf is on her feet again, has a job, has her kids back, let her continue to work and raise her kids, hopefully find some stability. Don't be party to your husband's white knight syndrome and unrealistic sexual fantasy. There is nothing wrong with slowing things down.

If she can find a job in your town or nearby, fine. Let her do that and date your husband. If you eventually find yourself attracted to her, OK, act on that because you want to, not because you're just His puppet. D/s is about consensual play and lifestyle. If you have doubts, fears, and general unwillingness, be true to yourself.
 
When people tell Jon that he must be so lucky to have two hot girlfriends (and are no doubt imaging all kinds of threesomes, which we never have together), he mentions this idea to them:

Would you rather live with two women who have PMS at the same time every month, or two women who have PMS on separate weeks, and therefor half of each month involves PMS?

Lest that sound misogynistic, I will confirm that both Lora and I have miserable periods. At best, we're both miserably crampy. At worst, we're horribly crampy, and teary, and just overall feel like shit.

Having myself once lived with two female friends who also had bad periods and all of our periods synched up, I have vivid memories of how one week a month was just a kind of crying shitshow.

Humor aside, the whole situation sounds bad. And honestly, given the way he tried to force you and then when you called his bluff, backtrack, it sounds like you'd be much better off completely without him. If he's willing to push you that hard, chances are good that he'll either keep pushing until you break and say yes, or until you leave. So why not just leave now and look for someone who won't treats you like a fantasy-fulfillment machine?
 
Thanks for the advice. I'm not committing to anything atm. But I'd like to throw out we have 3somes often with other men and women so I know that's not where his kind is on this. I'm wondering if he's already falling for her and doesn't want to cheat and knows I'm not gonna put up with him seeing someone when he can't tolerate me seeing someone.

But I'm not worried. I like this girl the more I talk to her but I'm still not ready to move her in and be her gf. Lol. I know she's ready to come on down and he wants to test it for a few weeks before we commit. So Idk but I'm gonna keep being the bad guy and drag my feet until they all see reason.
 
IME, if "testing it" for a few weeks means her moving in, there will be absolutely NO good, clean, non-hurtful way to move her out.

I'm glad you're dragging your feet, though I don't know if anybody will actually see reason, especially if he HAS fallen for her and they're both having a lot of NRE.

Keep strong & remember that YOU can always walk away too, if they try to pressure you into something you don't want. OR, if he tries to move her in even with your express no.
 
Thanks for the advice. I'm not committing to anything atm. But I'd like to throw out we have 3somes often with other men and women so I know that's not where his kind is on this. I'm wondering if he's already falling for her and doesn't want to cheat and knows I'm not gonna put up with him seeing someone when he can't tolerate me seeing someone.

One Penis Policy is a double standard, hypocritical stance. Don't let that shit go on one more day.

If you two are polyamorous and not just polysexual, there will be "feelings," emotions of love or at least fondness, involved. If you're just swingers, or into "playing" with people extremely casually, you need to take precautions like swingers do, to prevent growth of feelings. Many swingers have rules of no kissing, no one on one sex, and tend to encourage only one or a few times with any one person, and leaving them if and when those bad feelings of love :rolleyes: arise.
But I'm not worried. I like this girl the more I talk to her but I'm still not ready to move her in and be her gf. Lol. I know she's ready to come on down and he wants to test it for a few weeks before we commit. So Idk but I'm gonna keep being the bad guy and drag my feet until they all see reason.

Yeah, it's not bad to look out for yourself. And think of the children! If he is trying to not "cheat," you two can allow her into his life as a real lover, that is what polyAMORY means. Love. Not sex (although sex is usually included).

But again, there is no reason to allow this relative stranger into your home and haven until he has dated her a while, say, a year, and things are going great. Like any roommate situation, things need to be discussed. In this case, finances especially! Is he expecting the two of you to start supporting this woman??

Likewise, there is no reason to allow this woman access to your body unless you really really desire it. And she desires it. Even in a D/s situation, there must be consent. Do you want to perform sexually for him with no real desire to get anything personally out of it?

And if you want to date a man, well, just go do it. He's got a gf, you get a bf. Do a tag search here on OPP, One Penis Policy, to see what is wrong with it.
 
I think dating long term (1 year +) plus several trips alone (you see her alone, your husband sees her alone) where she comes to you and eachn of you her and a couple where its all 3 of you should be done before a move is considered. You are a stranger to her and her kids . It's not wise to move a stranger into your home
 
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