First steps in polyamory and talking with someone new about it

Kae

New member
Hi everyone,

This is my first ever post. I'm a bit scared to post because of all the "Read the FAQ and Master Threads first!" Gonna do it anyway, partly because I need to vent and partly because a response to your own post will never be exactly as the Master one.

I'm also completely new to polyamory. I've never had a poly relationship, but I've been reading a book about it, stuff online and talking to friends. As I've never actually had this kind of experience, I feel I can't be 100% sure I'm into it, but everything else says so.

I absolutely subscribe to the idea of love not having limits and that multiple, simultaneous relationships can be healthy and beautiful. I want to feel unlimited in my experience of love. I want the other (or others) to also feel that way. I'm interested in it and excited about it.

Now, for my first issue (for lack of a less dramatic word!), it'll be about how to talk about it with someone you're only just starting to date, being in my position.

My last three relationships ended the same way. I didn't seriously want to end them and had real feelings for the other person. But I felt a great unbalance in that the other person wanted to "get serious". It was becoming a monogamous, long-term relationship. In that situation I felt bad. In the last two of the three, I honestly told them that I didn't want to end what I had with them, but I also felt it couldn't go on in that way. I mentioned the option of an open relationship and told them how I felt about it. Needless to say, they didn't reciprocate.

Now I'm in the very very very first steps of something new. It's a person I've met a couple of times through a common friend. This common friend told me she liked me and he may have told her I liked her too. So we've been out once for a coffee and a walk. That's it.

Not much has happened. But because of how my last relationships have ended (sometimes with hurt and misunderstanding) I'm extremely conscious of not making that mistake again.

So when and how do I talk about it?

Is it too soon when we're barely even dating yet?
I'm not even sure I'm into open or polyamorous relationships - what do I tell her?

I look forward to reading your input!

Love,
M.
 
Never too soon, imo.
Better to get it out of the way asap than to wait until there are strong feelings but a different dynamic desired by each. Can lead to a lot of hurt.


If you're not sure exactly what you want, then say that, outline what you'd like to try, and be clear about what you know you don't want.
 
Hi Kae,

Re (from OP):
"So when and how do I talk about it?"

Soon. The sooner the better. And simply. I recommend saying something like, "I should tell you that I'm polyamorous. How do you feel about that?" They could of course ask what polyamory is, you could easily enough tell them, and the conversation could move forward from there.

Re:
"Is it too soon when we're barely even dating yet?"

It's actually arguably better to talk about it before the dating begins at all.

Re:
"I'm not even sure I'm into open or polyamorous relationships -- what do I tell her?"

I think it's disingenuous to say you're not into open or polyamorous relationships, considering your last three relationships ended specifically because they were becoming monogamous.

You must tell her what you want to tell her of course, but I think you should tell her you're polyamorous. Up to you.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't think it's something that has to be announced unless it is clear that there is interest on her part, in dating you. All you've done is have coffee and take a walk. Maybe she wants to date you, or maybe she wants to get to know you first before she considers dating you. IMHO, you don't need to make a big pronouncement, like OMG there's some big heavy thing you need to tell her.

In a conversation, during the process of getting to know each other, if it feels appropriate, you can ask her what she's looking for, if she's interested in going out with you again as a date. You can tell her you're not looking for exclusivity (I never use the word "polyamory" when I meet someone new - too confusing and misunderstood), and that you're not sure you can offer a traditional kind of relationship, but that you like her and would like to see her again if she's interested. If the subject of past relationships comes up, you can let her know that some relationships ended because you wanted to have the freedom to date others and they wanted monogamy.

All I am saying is it's not like confessing a crime or something scary. Just keep it lighthearted and conversational.
 
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Maybe you're just afraid of commitment and the traditional path that it lays out for you (relationship escalator). You really should consider how you feel about having multiple lovers or having a lover who also has other lovers.
 
I always put it in my profile so that people who are only interested in being in a monogamous relationship moves on. I don't go on dates unless they know ahead of time.
 
It's not exactly the same thing. I have no interest at this stage in my life in being in any kind of a non-monogamous relationship.

There are things, however, that would make relationships with me difficult for most people. I wouldn't get married - in fact, I'm opposed to marriage on ethical grounds. I also don't ever want to have children.

The vast majority of people out there want to marry and the vast majority want to have children too.

Not approving of marriage and not wanting children are non negotiable to me. So I talk about those things with new people as a matter of course. Whether or not the new person is a romantic interest. I can't imagine ever getting to the stage of being in a relationship without the other person being fully aware of my feelings on the subject.

I'm certain that it has stopped many relationships before they even started. I'm sure that some of my friends maybe would have been partners had my stance been different. I don't know who, though, because I let them know up front, before anything romantic has happened between us and that way they can make up their mind without the pressure of there already being a relationship that they would be sad to lose.

Just because I don't want to be married or have kids doesn't mean that I want to deny those things to somebody else - especially somebody I care about.

If poly was my thing, I'd approach it in pretty much the same way. No need for a big reveal after a certain period of time. IMO.

IP
 
Thanks so much for your replies.

If I summarise what you've said and combine it with what I feel it's about saying it soon, keeping it light-hearted (not dramatic) and just saying what I do know about myself, even though I feel I can't explain it in much detail since I don't have much experience.
 
That sounds like a good summary.

In the meantime, I would suggest you keep educating yourself by reading more stuff on this forum, and by reading books (and visiting websites) such as "More than Two" and "Opening Up."

Having a better understanding may help you feel more confident in telling the people you date about what kind of relationship model you prefer.

And, anytime you have some more questions, don't hesitate to ask! :)
 
Another newbie's perspective.

Hi, Kae just joined today. Thought I'd get my feet wet by sharing my perspective.
My current GF broke the ice pretty early by talking about her past polyamorous experiences on our first weekend away together. It was a real mind blower, partly because I hadn't expected it of her, and I'd always been interested in that sort of thing. Unfortunately, at the time she was pretty sour on the concept, blaming it (at least partially) for the demise of her friends' marriage. It almost caused me to call it quits in a fit of envy (envy of her experiences, not jealousy, I'm not the jealous type.) I decided to stick it out and discovered that (a) she's a totally awesome lady and (b) her reasons for swinging had been kind of complicated.
Despite the initial shock, I'm glad she mentioned it early on. Had she kept that stuff hidden from me, I'd have been pretty hurt and angry about it.
 
thanks for sharing azvince.
it's definitely a better deal to tell it soon.
i'm curious to know how your relationship with her went, though...?
 
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