Losing friends over lifestyle

openinpg

New member
Just wondering if anyone out there has experienced losing a close friend as a result of opening your relationship/practising poly.

My husband and I are recently opened our marriage of 8 years, and my first outside interested was with a mutual friend of my sister-in-law and I. There was a social gathering recently where my husband, SIL and I were sitting together, and the other man came and sat with us. My husband took him aside and asked if he would mind sitting somewhere else for the meal since it was a primary-relationship outing/event. That went over fine, but the SIL is furious at me because SHE wanted the other friend to sit with us. Sorry if this is convoluted, I hope I'm being clear.

Anyway, my question is how would you handle this situation? The three people involved in the "triad" dealt with it all just fine, but the uninvolved, fourth party is now angry and being passive-aggressive about it. How do I validate her feelings but also set a boundary about my life choices?
Any input is welcome!!
 
Well, the thing is, your husband doesn't get to control who SIL sits with at a family event. If I were her, I'd be pissed as hell too.

If someone else who didn't have a relationship with you and your husband had sat down, would husband have told that person that they can't sit with you too?

If the answer to that is "no", then why would the rules change for who SIL can talk to just because you DO have a relationship with the person who came over?

If the answer to that is "yes", then ya'll have way bigger problems than that single incident.

Your husband owes SIL an apology. And he should make a mental note that it's not acceptable for him to control who SIL sits with and talks to at events. Or anybody else, for that matter.
 
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Sounds like you and your husband should have just excused yourselves after concluding your meal and left your sil and her guest be. I would be pretty pissed too in her shoes, not that you are poly but rather rude to her friend. If she's sitting at a table with you she has every right to have anyone accompany her. Just like if things go south between you and him you can't force her to not invite him to other social functions.

If you don't want messy situations such as these don't date family friends.
 
I think your husband needs to make a sincere apology to his sister and her friend. And he needs to leave out excuses and blame shifting. He handled the situation wrong plain and simple.
 
Honestly both you and your husband are jerks.

How DARE your husband tell someone to sit elsewhere like a second class citizen and you support the decision. SHAME ON YOU! If you would have pulled that BS with myself or a friend. You would have been told fuck you and the horse you rode it on.

You didn't lose a friend because you are "poly". You lost a friend because your husband is an asshole.

BTW you are not going to have much success in polyamory if you consider this acceptable behavior. And you are not a triad unless you husband is having a sexual relationship with this man also.
 
And you are not a triad unless you husband is having a sexual relationship with this man also.

Eeeeee...I would politely disagree on that one (though the rest of what you wrote was spot on). I don't think sex is necessarily a linchpin in making a triad - having a deep emotional commitment to your metamour and then coming to feel that they are also a partner (albeit a non-sexual one) could be the basis of a triad, no?

But then, if this was a triad, and it's acceptable to tell a full equal where to sit...um, no. Not unless it's a kink/Ds thing. Which this doesn't sound like. Nor does it sound like a triad (or maybe can be called a triad) when a hierarchy is involved, though I could be mistaken about that.

Also, didn't notice it the first time, but how is SIL being PA? It sounds like she's being pissed off and open about it. Passive aggressive would be something like making shitty little comments about it, then saying "omg, I was just joking!" if you called her on it. How is expressing rightful anger at your husband making a decision for her that he had no business making passive aggressive?
 
Thank you all for your thoughts and responses, lots to think about. Talked to SIL for a long while this morning and straightened everything out, going to treat her to a pedicure and coffee to smooth things over and try to rebuild, as well as let her know how the situation would be handled differently in the future.


Dagferi, I feel that calling people jerks and assholes in a first response to a question is pretty short-sighted on your part. Granted, you are entitled to your opinion, but everyone else said the same thing in a way that wasn't insulting. I'm on this forum for input, obviously struggling with how to navigate this new territory, looking for support, not name-calling. As a "senior" member, I would expect your response to be more measured as you are leaving a very bad taste in the mouth of a new member just looking for support.
 
If you are looking for a place for someone to pat you on the head then start a round of kumbaya you are on the wrong forum.

I call a spade a spade. You and your husband's behavior described by YOURSELF was distasteful and I am going to say as much.
 
Do you have any hobbies? I'm a huge fan of making things out of stained glass. But unfortunately, my apartment doesn't have any rooms other than the bedrooms that I can close the doors to, and with several cats, I'm terrified of working on it at home - I don't want to miss a little glass shard and cut their feet. Or mine, Jon's, or Lora's feet.

I do these classes that a local artist guild that give studio space, as well as teaching. It's really cool. And before I started, I read up on stained glass quite a bit. And before *they* let me start at the studio, we went over the basics in safety and good technique.

Likewise, if you're new, you might want to start reading up on poly before asking questions. Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and More Than Two are three great books for that. Had you, your hubby, and your partner read them, you'd all have understood why what you're husband did was so unacceptable, and we came down so hard on all of you (If you've all read them and still don't understand...please go reread them. Take the quizzes at the end of More Than Two. All poly people that you may be involved with in the future will be much more cordial if you do).

If this were a stained glass forum, and I joined to complain about how I'd cut myself quite badly, but hadn't read up on safety or proper technique, I'd probably get a lot of flak for being so careless and clueless. And polyamory has much more potential to leave bleeding emotional wounds than stained glass.

Please do your homework first (all of you). It'll go a long way in enriching your journey.
 
LizziE explained it well...

Polyamory is not something to be toyed with. People are not sex toys to enhance your love life. People have feelings. You can't just tell them to go sit in the corner when they are inconvenient.

Poly has a bad stigma that exists because of people behaving badly under the label of poly. Innocent people get burned and pass along their experiences. It effects the rest of us trying to practice ethically.

You wouldn't just read a book on skydiving then go jump out of a plane. You take up difficult and dangerous activities in baby steps.
 
Once, again, thanks for the information. I will certainly look into the reading you've suggested.
I'm not expecting a pat on the head whatsoever. If that's what I wanted I'd just go to a good friend and get all the ego-stroking I need. I am looking for honest opinions from people who have been there, as we are new to this. It's good to know what the intent behind the comments is, regardless of how it is delivered.
So, in this situation, I guess the other guy at the table was more of my sexual relationship on the side of an open marriage rather than third person in a poly "v". I didn't make that clear, although from what I've heard, maybe that doesn't make a difference? I guess from my and my husband's perspective, the primary relationship comes first in social situations where there are mutual friends present, basically for discretion. The other guy knew that and was kind of sitting in on purpose to make everything a little more "exciting" from his perspective. Does that make more sense? That's something that I find fun when we go out with my husband's significant others, the mutual flirting thing, but in this situation, no one else knew that he was involved with me and it was very uncomfortable for my husband and I.
How would you handle this situation, if you, like I did, made the mistake of not discussing "roles" beforehand?
 
Ok, first thing's first:

Go read the books. They will answer many of your questions.

Next:

Do you know for a fact that what you describe (sitting in on purpose to make everything a little more "exciting") is what your partner was doing? Did those words, or words very close to them, come out of his mouth?

If the answer is no, then you shouldn't put words in his mouth.

If the answer is yes (I'm going to assume that the answer is yes), then you could have certainly had a talk with him beforehand about how you and your husband are not comfortable being "out". You could ask him not to flirt with you. You could ask him to treat you like a good friend. You (and your husband) still cannot ask him to NOT interact with other people, just by virtue of that other person sitting near you.

On the subject of not being out, or not being comfortable being out with that particular group of people, you should definitely talk about those things. Go look at the books. They will give you many things to talk about.

And keep in mind that what you and your husband want, once you articulate it, might not be what he wants. He might walk away. That's his choice.

If I were in your situation, I would pull someone aside MYSELF (not asking my husband to do it) and let them know that I'm not comfortable with flirting in front of this group of people. I would ask if we could act like good friends. And I would promise to have a longer, deeper, more involved talk about what kind of behavior I would like to see in public, with various groups of people. I would make plans to have that talk as soon as possible, and I would sit down with all parties involved to discuss.

One thing to keep in mind when you discuss what you want is that you and your husband (by virtue of marriage and a longer relationship) do not have any kind of ethical high ground or expectation that your partner will work with you to keep yourselves in the closet. As in, if he decides he doesn't want to do that, there's nothing wrong with him or his desire to be open. Don't guilt trip him. If you are going to prioritize your relationship with your husband, you can certainly do so. But if that causes your partner to change his mind about a relationship with you, there's nothing wrong with him, either, for making that decision.

Now, go get those books, start reading and learning, and you'll have less of these kinds of problems crop up.
 
I guess from my and my husband's perspective, the primary relationship comes first in social situations where there are mutual friends present, basically for discretion. The other guy knew that and was kind of sitting in on purpose to make everything a little more "exciting" from his perspective.

Are you not troubled that your guy did not respect that you and your husband are not out? Nobody has to come first, second or 55th in order to show respect for a mutually agreed upon level of visibility. I hope he undertands the situation better now.
 
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Hi openinpg,

Re (from OP):
"My husband took him aside and asked if he would mind sitting somewhere else for the meal since it was a primary-relationship outing/event."

This confuses me. It's great that the man didn't mind sitting somewhere else, but personally I don't get why he had to. Was it the primary relationship's anniversary or something? and even if it was ... wasn't anyone free to sit next to whomever?

Re:
"How do I validate her feelings but also set a boundary about my life choices?"

I don't see how she's questioning your life choices when she just wanted the man to sit with you and her. :confused: I don't suppose you could go into more detail?

Re (from Post #11):
"I guess from my and my husband's perspective, the primary relationship comes first in social situations where there are mutual friends present, basically for discretion."

Sooo ... you didn't want to be outed ... Did your sister-in-law know you were open/poly? Did others in the room? I am thinking that people wouldn't assume you were sexually involved with someone just because they were sitting by you, but, maybe there's a reason they would? (I could still use more info.)

It sounds like you're getting things patched up with your sister-in-law, so that's good.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am thinking that people wouldn't assume you were sexually involved with someone just because they were sitting by you, but, maybe there's a reason they would? (I could still use more info.)

I get the sense that he wasn't just sitting there, but was being flirty with her as well. I'm getting the sense that this isn't about where he sat, but that his general vibe was way too sexually suggestive for a public family event, considering that the couple is not out about being poly and that he presumably knew that. Sounds like the husband felt that "the guy" was disrespecting their (couple's) request for privacy.
 
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