He forced me out the closet, now lets hang out

morethan2

New member
I'm relatively new here and have made a few posts since my arrival. So first, I want to thank those who have given their 2 cents. IT HAS BEEN HELPING ME MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE.

Back story: I have been with my fiance for 9 years. I experimented with women in college (with him via 3somes). About 2 months ago, me and my now girlfriend fell in love. This was my first time having emotional and romantic feelings for another girl, so I was really struggling with coming out to my fiance, let alone anyone else. I talked to my fiance (in general) about going to therapy and he was all for it. I was planning on telling him 1. that I was bi and 2. that things had gotten complicated with me and my friend....

My girlfriend is married. Her husband knows about the extent of our relationship. They had an arrangement since before they were married that she could have sex with only women. However, this was the first time she started a full relationship with another woman. After she told him she loved me, I asked him, from a male's perspective, if I should tell my fiance right then. He told me I shouldn't say anything at all. When I brought up the idea of therapy, he said that my fiance might take it better that way. So, that was my plan.

However, the day before therapy, my girlfriend and her husband had a huge fight, and her husband contacted my fiance telling him that I was gay and started reading off emails and text messages between me and her. He did this in an effort to have my fiance help him prove that his wife is an unfit mother and doesn't deserve to have their kids. He also went on to contact her family members and friends telling everyone that she is gay. None of her family knew this part of her. Me and her were both devastated. Along with my fiance. Out of all of this, I wanted to be able to tell him the best way I knew how....and that was clearly ruined for me. I was embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed....

As CRAZY as that all is, things have calmed down a great bit. Apologies have been given where due and I'm in the process of rebuilding trust with my fiance. Although things aren't as crazy, I feel as though they are still very fresh. So I have tried to be as delicate and considerate of everyone's feelings involved. But this weekend, my girlfriend wants me to come over to her house while she focuses on finishing a class. Her husband will be there. They live in a one bedroom apartment and he will be in the living room while we are in the bedroom (literally steps away). I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this. I have forgiven him, yes. But I do not feel ready to forget everything so quickly and be over there to that capacity. I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic or not, but I really wanted some other opinions. I tried to express my concerns to my gf in a considerate way, but she is pissed off that I don't want to come to their house. Saying she's asking me to hang out with her, not her husband. Saying I never go out of my way for her. And a lot of other hurtful things. I'd do anything for her just as I would for my fiance. However, I feel like she's not being reasonable at all.

I need some help :( Am I overreacting?
 
You're well within your rights to avoid situations that you know will be uncomfortable. That's not unreasonable at all.

Forgiving is not forgetting. So what if he'll be in another room? You'll still have to see him to go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, coming & going... If you don't want to be around someone, you don't have to be. That's one of the many advantages of not being in prison.

But I'm confused. They have kids, but they live in a one-bedroom apartment? How's that working out??

Also, you're coming over while she's finishing a class? What does that mean? She'll be doing homework while you just sit there? Sounds like a blast...

You could tell her you're still feeling vulnerable and hurt, and that while you're in the process of healing, you're just not ready yet to be exposed to her husband. If she chooses to take that personally and get all uppity about it, that's her problem.
 
But I'm confused. They have kids, but they live in a one-bedroom apartment? How's that working out??

Also, you're coming over while she's finishing a class? What does that mean? She'll be doing homework while you just sit there? Sounds like a blast...

You could tell her you're still feeling vulnerable and hurt, and that while you're in the process of healing, you're just not ready yet to be exposed to her husband. If she chooses to take that personally and get all uppity about it, that's her problem.

Exactly. To everything you said.

It's actually a one bedroom and a "den." Every time I say 2 bedrooms, she corrects me. Lol. So I guess its technically a 2 bedroom.

Yes. She's taking an online course so I would probably chill and talk or watch netflix or something.....

I told her and she's still really upset with me. We got in a huge argument about how she's been willing to be uncomfortable in a situation for me but I wont do the same. Until today, I didn't know that I was doing something that made her feel uncomfortable. If I knew, of course I wouldn't put her in those situations. And she even went as far to say that I'm "placing all the blame" on her husband. I'm not mad that he hurt my fiance. I'm mad at MYSELF for that. I should've told him. I'm upset and hurt that I trusted him like a brother and asked for his honest advice, and he turned around and did that to me. And honestly, now I'm kind of taken aback that she doesn't even sympathize with how I'm feeling at all.
 
I'd never want to see that shithead again. I would sympathize with gf and offer to meet somewhere between our homes, but thats about it. I'd never be able to be around someone capable of such hurtful, mean and disrespectful behavior even if he had done it to someone else and not me.
 
I don't think you are overreacting. You feel what you feel at this point in time. And what you feel is this:

"I have forgiven him, yes. But I do not feel ready to forget everything so quickly and be over there to that capacity."

Sounds straightforward to me -- you don't go over at this time then.

You GF is disappointed you don't want to come over. I think she's acting out rather than expressing her disappointment more appropriately

  • She is pissed off that I don't want to come to their house.
  • Saying she's asking me to hang out with her, not her husband.
  • Saying I never go out of my way for her. (<--- does she mean she wants you to skip meeting your own need for comfort/safety in order to meet her want?)
  • And a lot of other hurtful things.

I would agree with your conclusion that she's being emotional right now and not being reasonable about

  • you being in charge of your willingness to participate in things
  • her being in charge of her willingness to participate in things
  • Sometimes those things will not line up.
  • Accepting it with grace when you say "no, not at this time" about something.

She wants to hang out together with him in the other room and is willing right now. You do not want that, and are not willing right now.

She cannot FORCE you to. She could chill. And learn to express her disappointment in a more constructive way and offer alternate ideas for hanging out rather than getting hung up on THIS one idea not working out. Right now she's acting out destructively. Like "Wah! I don't get my way when I want!" Baffling to me for an adult to be doing that.

She could focus on the desired outcome (hang out together) rather than the one method (hang out together HERE, with him in the other room). Be more flexible.

I would tell her "No, thank you. I'm willing to hear your other ideas for hanging out. If that's all you have, and you don't like any of my ideas, let's give it a pass this time and try again next week." Keep it simple on your side. She can stew on her own and deal with her emotional management on her side.

We got in a huge argument about how she's been willing to be uncomfortable in a situation for me but I wont do the same.

(Her choosing to put herself in yucky) does not equal (you choosing to put yourself in yucky.) AGAIN -- your willingness does not have to be the same as hers. Does she have this "tit for tat" or "I did something you did not ask me for. So now you owe me" mentality in relating or something?

Until today, I didn't know that I was doing something that made her feel uncomfortable. If I knew, of course I wouldn't put her in those situations.

You are not a mind reader. You could tell her you expect her to know and articulate what's going on with her. Because NOBODY can mind reader her.

If she chooses to sit in yucky rather than choose to speak up and negotiate for something else? That's her choice. I wish she wouldn't do that. I rather she make her preferences known and not do stuff that goes against her grain.

But that's a skill she has to learn to do. Nobody can do it for her.

If her going along with things passively leads to resentment of her own choices and then aggressive acting out blow ups later? Maybe you guys can talk about overcoming passive-aggressive stuff like that.

And she even went as far to say that I'm "placing all the blame" on her husband.

I think she is projecting her own feelings about her hubby on to you.

Her husband took a course of actions that affected everyone else. You have to finish processing that. You all do.

She wants attention/comfort of your presence from you. But you do not have it to give like that right now. You are all inside the inner ring. One comforts in, kvetches OUT.
Right now it seems she's kvetching in at you. That's not right.

It may be easier for her emotional brain to pin it on you like "I want X. I'm not getting it from my partner because my partner is blaming my hubby!" than take a step back, calm down and let rational brain realize

"*I* blame my hubby. If he hadn't done that, then my partner wouldn't be hurting and might be more willing to come over with hubby around. Hubby's actions has had a ripple effect on all of us."

And get around to asking herself "Am I even asking something reasonable from my hurting partner when I ask partner to come over while hubby is around and things are still not mended all the way?"

She may not see through her own filter right now.

But you could tend to you, and put your own oxygen mask on first. Let her tend to her for now. That is fair.

If she needs extra support right now, she could seek it OUTSIDE the inner ring people. A friend, a counselor... not you. You got dinged too. Sucking you dry to keep her afloat? That's not good.

Galagirl
 
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I'm wondering if maybe some of her own irritation with her husband is being transferred over to you. He had a fight with her - outed you both to her family, your fiance, etc. She can't be in a really happy place herself right now. She may feel that there is nothing that she can do right now on the him+her side and so she is projecting on you for not making it "easier" for her.

That. Is. Not. Your. Problem.

She is the hinge - I am sure that she is in a stressful place right now (especially if she is getting grief from her family as well). But YOU didn't choose for them to have a fight and it wasn't YOUR decision to out you guys to her family and your fiance.

It certainly sounds as though she is being unreasonable - although she may not be in a place to see that right now.

I think that, right now, you have to focus on things that are within your reach. Work with your fiance on how to mend from where you are now. Meet her on a level that you are comfortable with. You are NOT required to do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable, and it is quite rude of her to ask you to. If SHE is uncomfortable then it is on HER to make you aware - you are not a mind-reader.

Step back. Take a breath. You can get through this. Be true to yourself and don't let her manipulate you into getting involved in a situation that makes you uncomfortable to "solve" something between her and her husband. That is not your responsibility. It is theirs.

Just my 2 cents.

JaneQ
 
I'm sorry that you've had such a rough start to what might become, ultimately, a beautiful thing. Personally, I would have a very, very hard time forgiving my girlfriend's husband, and I wouldn't want to be around him either. How can you ever trust him again after he threw you under the bus like that? Nor should you be required to. Lots of people on this forum have metamours they don't interact with at all, or have minimal contact with. You might want to consider going this route.

Kudos to your someday-hubby for allowing you to explore your feelings with your girlfriend, sounds like that's going fairly well (at least you're not writing here because he's freaking out) and that's wonderful. I'd advise being very careful not to let girlfriend and her hubs create drama in your relationship with your fiancé. I'm sure he's already struggling some, working hard to accept your relationship with your girlfriend, and if you are taking on "stuff" from girlfriend and her marriage, it will certainly cause disaster. The fact that they got in a fight and dragged you into it in a major way ought to be a big yellow flag. Sure, things happen in the heat of the moment, but do you really want to sacrifice your pending marriage over of their drama?

Personally, I would not consider going over to the girlfriend's house while the family is home and she is working "quality time." In fact, I once had an argument with my ex about this. She thought dragging me along while she did her errands ought to be fun for me--but then, she was a total narcissist.

Anyhoo, you are not overreacting. I would be furious at my metamour if I were you, and I would not want to go to their house while he was there.
 
Damn, if my new partner of only 2 months has such a terrible relationship with her crazy husband that he'd out her and her new partner (you) to everyone he can think of as "gay" and poly!!! I'd break up with her. They are obviously terrible at polyamory, and not all that swift at their own relationship either.

I can not abide that kind of drama in my life. And her response to your not wanting to be in close proximity to her immature vengeful husband... are you kidding me? What sane person would want to be in the same apartment with a douche like that? What sane person would want to stay married to a douche like that?

Ick. Ew. Blargh.

You don't "love" this woman. It's only been 2 months. You may be quite infatuated, but isn't the shine coming off a bit now after this fiasco?
 
That is a good point.

If it is only 2 mos in, it might be easier on you to chuck it. Heal from the break up. And ultimately be free of this drama.

Galagirl
 
Hi morethan2,

Re (from OP):
"Am I overreacting?"

No I don't think so. Sounds to me like your girlfriend isn't just saying, "Let's hang out," she's saying, "Let's hang out or else."

Re (from SchrodingersCat):
"She'll be doing homework while you just sit there? Sounds like a blast ..."

Snort, LOL.

It sounds like she measures love according to how much one person sacrifices for another person. I guess I am a selfish person in that I don't believe in sacrifice, or at least not that strongly.

And if it were me, I'd be piping mad at her husband. I'm not sure I'd forgive, let alone forget.
 
I am with Mags... I'd cut my losses and run.
 
Yeah, what with the relationship only being a few months old and all ... does it make sense ... is it worth it ... to dip down deeper into the madness?
 
I'd never want to see that shithead again. I would sympathize with gf and offer to meet somewhere between our homes, but thats about it. I'd never be able to be around someone capable of such hurtful, mean and disrespectful behavior even if he had done it to someone else and not me.

Same here
 
I'm not sure I'd forgive, let alone forget.

One of the few non-ridiculous things Dr. Phil has ever said is that forgiveness isn't for their sake, it's for yours. I always try to forgive, no matter how rotten the act.

When you don't forgive someone, you carry around the pain and anger long after they've forgotten about whatever shitty thing they did. It lets them hurt you again and again, without even having to be there.

Forgiveness doesn't mean: "It's ok that you did this awful thing."
It means: "I'm not going to let the awful thing hurt me anymore. This anger is causing me harm and I'm going to stop allowing that."

I don't usually give the satisfaction of actually telling someone I forgive them. I wouldn't want them to think what they did is ok.

I don't actually tend to get mad in the first place unless the person acted with deliberate malice, in which case I generally write them out of my storybook completely. If they did something stupid by mistake, not realizing the consequences, not meaning any harm, then there's nothing really to forgive.

I don't really buy into the whole "people can change" thing. People can change their behaviour, but they can't change their nature. If you're the type of person who would willingly and deliberately blow up someone's life like that once, you can be trusted to do it again. Why would I want that type of person in my life at all?

After what he did, it's bad enough that being in a relationship with her requires accepting him peripherally in your life. Doesn't that already count as an "uncomfortable position" for her sake? He treated her even more like shit, and personally I think she's unwise to be with him at all.
 
Wow, just read this thread for the first time. Your girlfriend doesn't sound like she's a very nice person at all -- quite the selfish bitch, actually -- plus her husband is a real asshole. If I were you, I'd end it with her and just focus on repairing things between you and your fiance. She really will be more headaches and crap than you will ever want to deal with, it seems!
 
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