feeling lonely.

number3

New member
Okay, I've been seeing a great couple for about 9 months now. Most of the time we have a great time together. We all get along great. But lately I've been feeling lonely. We only really see each other on the weekends or rather Friday night and Saturday and then I go back to my house.
We/they consider us to be in a closed triad. I'm kinda beginning to feel like the weekend entertainment.

How do you avoid feeling like a third person to a the group? Can this email even be achieved ? My partners say that they don't consider me a third but clearly I feel this way.
 
Well for me that would mean no more "closed " triad. If they have each other all week yet you're expected to just sit on a shelf alone until they take you down to play with you again then there is a problem. I think the fair thing here is for you go find a partner too.

Is moving in with them an option? Why are you only allowed to see your partners on the weekend?
 
I'd be as blunt with them as you've been with us. You feel like the weekend entertainment. You are lonely. Are they willing to make you a greater part of their life, or are they willing to open your triad so you can find someone to partner up with who *is* available full time? In your shoes, those would be the only options I give them. If it's a no followed by a no, then I would break it off. You have a responsibility to make sure your own needs are met in your relationships, and if these guys aren't helping to give you what you need themselves, or making efforts to allow you to meet your needs in other ways, then they are showing you loud and clear that they actually just don't care about those needs of yours.

Bring it up. The sooner the better.
 
Moving in with each other has been discussed but I'm not sure of how serious they are about it, as it seems to be just talk since no action has been done. And I am allowed to see them but my work schedule and my children keep me busy and so it's difficult. I have mentioned to them that they are going to have to try to come my way some if this is going to work out for us. I do think if we were living together it would be better for me but finding a place large enough is a challenge.

My question is how do I avoid this lonely feeling during the week when we're all so busy and not able to spend time together.
 
I'm not sure which question is it that is bugging you. You first ask how to not feel like a third, and then ask how to not feel lonely. They seem like different things to me. Or perhaps the loneliness comes directly from not feeling like an equal partner?

What do you want it to look like? If it is all living together, why not talk to them more about taking action? If it's something else, maybe you can figure out ways to stay in touch during the week - Skype, phone calls, texts, occasional dinner together. If it's not happening, can you talk to them about that?

Do you feel like you have a voice in these relationships? Can you be assertive of your needs? In what ways do you feel like a third outside of the time split? What is keeping them from visiting you sometimes? Can you dig into your feelings a little more - when do you feel lonely, what triggers it, how do you usually manage it, are they aware of it, how do they respond, etc.?
 
Be honest about how you are feeling. I would articulate your needs. It sounds as though you need more connection during the week. Maybe one or both of them comes to visit you mid week? Perhaps creative ldr type solution like chatting or texting while watching the same thing on TV... playing a game together etc?

I gather you do all the traveling. .. this seems very uneven to me. I'm sure others will address the closed triad issue. It off curiosity would that be your preferred style of relating or would a more open mode be better?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I am not clear on what your unmet need is.

I do think if we were living together it would be better for me

My question is how do I avoid this lonely feeling during the week when we're all so busy and not able to spend time together.

Is the need connection with adults in general?

Could spend time with other friends. Take up a hobby or class. So you circulate and socialize with other adults.

Because I think if you live together and the work schedules for you guys just are what they are... you'd still be lonely during the week.

Just lonely sitting over there at the shared house rather than this one. :(

Is the need connection via dating others?


Then you tell them you don't want a closed triad any more and plan to date.

Is the need connection with them midweek?

Then you could ask for email, phone, skpe, meet up somewhere for dinner halfway,etc.

Could you be willing to clarify the need?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi number3,

Re (from Post #4):
"My question is how do I avoid this lonely feeling during the week when we're all so busy and not able to spend time together."

As that was your latest question, I gather that you want to know how to be okay with things without changing anything. Or at least, not changing the setup (closed, weekends only) with the couple you're seeing.

Do you have any free time at home? Are your kids at school during the day? Are you employed during the day? Could you take up a hobby or two? It seems to me that the secret to not being lonesome is to have a way to occupy your time, something you enjoy.

Does that help at all? If you could provide more info, it might help me think of more ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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