the small world conundrum

tenK

New member
Hey folks, just wondered what people's opinions were on a current dilemma I have. Nina and I were in a triad for about a year with a guy called Jay. That ended a while ago for complicated reasons that can be crudely summarised as being because his primary partner, Lily, a friend of ours and the person we met Jay through, became increasingly unhappy with the situation. The three of us (me, Nina, and Jay) still love and care for each other, and the transition to platonic friends is not really there yet - so far we're all doing a good job of avoiding each other, and missing each other, and hoping for something to change. Our individual friendships with Lily have been strained to say the least. We are sort of just avoiding her too. So that's the messy end of this equation.

The uncomplicated end of the equation is that we met a nice chap (Aries) that we've been enjoying occasional hook ups with. He's becoming a friend, but it's clear that there's nothing romantic developing there - we're just three consenting adults having very good sex with each other, and that's all positive. So far we've always met at our place, but he recently invited us around to his. Upon getting his address, Nina had one of those brainwave moments of piecing together disparate information and realised that Aries and Lily might have also hooked up with each other in the past (and for all we know, present). Which brings us to the current dilemma: what, if anything, should we do with this information?

The tricky thing is not anything to do with Aries, or Lily, but about Jay. Since we broke up, I have spoken to him in vague terms about the fact that Nina and I have started to see other people. He understands, but was a bit upset about it. I think it just stirs up feelings of wishing we could all be together again, and feeling like he's being replaced, rather than anything else. I made it clear that if he wanted to know more, he could ask us. He's chosen to not ask us, which in Jay-speak is a strong sign that he doesn't want to know those details.

Nina and I have discussed things our end - Aries is such an uncomplicated guy, that neither of us feel that Lily and him having a relationship (even if it's ongoing) is actually a problem. It might be a problem for Lily, but we can't control her reactions, and even if we had known in advance, we don't feel like it should have been something that stopped us getting involved with him. The only awkwardness is now whether our involvement with him could get back to Jay via Lily. I guess the worry is that before we suspected this link between them, that we felt we could be relaxed about being seen out in public with him. Now it feels like we either need to be upfront with everyone about stuff, or tip-toe around our own neighbourhood (we are all close neighbours - Aries and Jay&Lily live two streets away - we live across a park from them). Do we just say nothing to any of them, and cross that bridge if it comes? (Right now it feels like we have a secret - Aries doesn't talk about his other lovers much, so it feels a bit awkward) Do we just mention it to Aries and ask that he not overtly mention it to Lily if the two of them are still in regular contact? (Seems like an unnecessary imposition and dragging-him-into-drama) Do we talk to Jay direct? (Knowing he doesn't want to know who we are sleeping with right now) Do we talk to Lily? (Knowing she might find it a bit upsetting for her own reasons) Some other option?

Gaaah! The world is too small sometimes!
 
First of all, I'm sorry to hear about you, Nina, and Jay. :( It's particularly awful that it ended because (it sounds like) Jay decided to end it for Lily's sake.

Here's my gut reaction. You offered to Jay to talk if he wanted more details. He declined. I'm guessing it's still a standing offer and that he knows this.

Though you have new information about Aries and Lily (possibly, though you aren't positive nor do you know if she is still seeing him), it's not your responsibility to tell Jay, nor what he sounds like he wants. He knows that he can talk with you and Nina, but declined to do so. Should Jay find out, he is able to ask you about it. I also wouldn't treat it like some secret - you aren't deliberately hiding it from Jay, and the more you treat it like that, the more it might seem like you're hiding something.

I can tell that you want to be kind to Jay in all this. But I would take him at his word. He declined additional information. That is his call to make, and he can always decide to change that in the future.
 
Sorry to hear about the already messy end of the equation. I think you're all doing the right thing in giving it time. Muddy waters have a chance to clear that way, sad though it must be to lose that intimacy with Jay.

As for the potentially messy end of the equation, which could disturb those waters again, I'm wondering why you haven't asked Aries if he has hooked up with Lily in the past or still is doing that. I mean, you still don't know that for sure, right? Nina's mix of intuition and deductive reasoning might be spot on. Still worth checking with Aries to be sure.

If it is true about Aries and Lily, I think you should assume that at some point Jay and Lily are going to find out because that's likely to happen. I agree with Reflections that you shouldn't treat this like a secret. Its not. Jay not wanting to hear the details about you and Nina seeing others is not keeping a secret, its sticking to his preferences. If he does find out then yeh, cross that bridge then. You can console him about still wishing you could be together, that he's not being replaced, etc.
 
Hi tenK:

Re (from OP):
"Nina had one of those brainwave moments of piecing together disparate information and realised that Aries and Lily might have also hooked up with each other in the past (and for all we know, present). Which brings us to the current dilemma: What, if anything, should we do with this information?"

My vote is do nothing, at least unless/until some kind of further development/information calls for action. For one thing, it seems wise to keep a distance from Lily and her affairs. For another thing, it sounds like the information is less than 100% certain.

Re:
"The only awkwardness is now whether our involvement with him could get back to Jay via Lily."

I say, if it happens, it happens. Not your job to shelter Jay from that. He already knows you're seeing other people, so.

I also wouldn't purposely try to hide it from Jay. If he sees you with Aries, he can draw his own conclusions. Or ask you. He still has that option.

Not that your other options aren't understandable.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks guys, for the kind words and advice. Chrissy, you are right - if Jay finds out in some way that is not via us directly, then he can always come to us to talk.

Halcyeus and Kevin - I think we're pretty confident that Aries *is* the guy Lily spoke about. She told Nina and I different things about him, so when we compared stories we'd heard independently it didn't leave either of us much room for doubt. I guess it feels a bit like if we ask him for final confirmation that might actually inspire him to get in contact or perhaps divulge he's seeing us next time they bump into each other - something he'd never do unless he knew we knew her. Obviously he would respect our privacy if we asked him not to, but that just feels a bit weird - we're not really close enough to him to be whinging to him about our awkward break-ups - bit of a mood killer! :D

I suppose I am curious to know if Lily and he have something ongoing, but in some sense it might be 'bad' information right now. Jay has been a bit circumspect about whether he and Lily are even still in an open relationship. I confess, the idea that they have decided that it's ok for her to continue seeing other people, but for him not to, would probably make me pissed off at both of them. So…probably best we leave this potential can of worms left unopened and just see how things go. Anyway, we had a nice date with Aries last night, including going for a walk with him and his (very bouncy, very cute) dogs past L and J's house, and the sky did not fall in. Taking that as a good omen. :)
 
Sounds good to me.
 
The only awkwardness is now whether our involvement with him could get back to Jay via Lily. I guess the worry is that before we suspected this link between them, that we felt we could be relaxed about being seen out in public with him. Now it feels like we either need to be upfront with everyone about stuff, or tip-toe around our own neighbourhood (we are all close neighbours - Aries and Jay&Lily live two streets away - we live across a park from them). Do we just say nothing to any of them, and cross that bridge if it comes?

Just act like you normally would if Jay and Lily weren't in the picture. You don't actually "know" about any connection, you just suspect it. You don't need to go out of your way to tell them what's going on, and you don't need to go out of your way to hide it. If they find out, they can deal with it like grown-ups. It's none of their business who you guys have sex with. Any partner sharing on Aries's end is his responsibility.
 
I don't understand why you're afraid of upsetting Jay - someone you are no longer in a relationship with - because now you're seeing someone else who may or may not have also been seeing Jay's current gf, or possible still is. I mean... isn't this poly? You're all nervous and worried like it's monogamy and you've been cheating. I don't get it. Why should it matter who you're fucking around with now? Jay isn't with you anymore because he made a choice - whether pressured by Lily or not, he chose. You've told Jay you're dating others, he's effectively let you know he doesn't want any details, so... carry on!
 
I'm basically just going to agree with everyone else.

You guys and Jay are no longer a "thing" - regardless of how that came about. You did inform Jay that you are seeing other people - which, to my mind, with the info provided, may have been above and beyond what he wanted/needed to know. You are exes. Your relationship with him has changed and, it sounds like, that relationship is, as yet, undefined, in terms of what "circle" of info he belongs in. You offered info if asked, he declined to ask, done.

At this point your attention is on Aries - what info does HE want? Would he want to know, for his own reasons, that your circle of previous/current partners may overlap? It sounds like "if no one is asking, then no one is telling" - DADT is not my preferred style - but some people choose not to disclose info that they have until things are a little further along.

My way? I'd say to Aries - "Hey, it occurred to us that you might be the person a previous partner's partner was/is seeing. We were seeing this guy Jay, and his partner Lily talked about this guy - you might fit the bill. Do you know them?"

Depending on the tone of the answer - go from there.
 
Back
Top