Hey folks, just wondered what people's opinions were on a current dilemma I have. Nina and I were in a triad for about a year with a guy called Jay. That ended a while ago for complicated reasons that can be crudely summarised as being because his primary partner, Lily, a friend of ours and the person we met Jay through, became increasingly unhappy with the situation. The three of us (me, Nina, and Jay) still love and care for each other, and the transition to platonic friends is not really there yet - so far we're all doing a good job of avoiding each other, and missing each other, and hoping for something to change. Our individual friendships with Lily have been strained to say the least. We are sort of just avoiding her too. So that's the messy end of this equation.
The uncomplicated end of the equation is that we met a nice chap (Aries) that we've been enjoying occasional hook ups with. He's becoming a friend, but it's clear that there's nothing romantic developing there - we're just three consenting adults having very good sex with each other, and that's all positive. So far we've always met at our place, but he recently invited us around to his. Upon getting his address, Nina had one of those brainwave moments of piecing together disparate information and realised that Aries and Lily might have also hooked up with each other in the past (and for all we know, present). Which brings us to the current dilemma: what, if anything, should we do with this information?
The tricky thing is not anything to do with Aries, or Lily, but about Jay. Since we broke up, I have spoken to him in vague terms about the fact that Nina and I have started to see other people. He understands, but was a bit upset about it. I think it just stirs up feelings of wishing we could all be together again, and feeling like he's being replaced, rather than anything else. I made it clear that if he wanted to know more, he could ask us. He's chosen to not ask us, which in Jay-speak is a strong sign that he doesn't want to know those details.
Nina and I have discussed things our end - Aries is such an uncomplicated guy, that neither of us feel that Lily and him having a relationship (even if it's ongoing) is actually a problem. It might be a problem for Lily, but we can't control her reactions, and even if we had known in advance, we don't feel like it should have been something that stopped us getting involved with him. The only awkwardness is now whether our involvement with him could get back to Jay via Lily. I guess the worry is that before we suspected this link between them, that we felt we could be relaxed about being seen out in public with him. Now it feels like we either need to be upfront with everyone about stuff, or tip-toe around our own neighbourhood (we are all close neighbours - Aries and Jay&Lily live two streets away - we live across a park from them). Do we just say nothing to any of them, and cross that bridge if it comes? (Right now it feels like we have a secret - Aries doesn't talk about his other lovers much, so it feels a bit awkward) Do we just mention it to Aries and ask that he not overtly mention it to Lily if the two of them are still in regular contact? (Seems like an unnecessary imposition and dragging-him-into-drama) Do we talk to Jay direct? (Knowing he doesn't want to know who we are sleeping with right now) Do we talk to Lily? (Knowing she might find it a bit upsetting for her own reasons) Some other option?
Gaaah! The world is too small sometimes!
The uncomplicated end of the equation is that we met a nice chap (Aries) that we've been enjoying occasional hook ups with. He's becoming a friend, but it's clear that there's nothing romantic developing there - we're just three consenting adults having very good sex with each other, and that's all positive. So far we've always met at our place, but he recently invited us around to his. Upon getting his address, Nina had one of those brainwave moments of piecing together disparate information and realised that Aries and Lily might have also hooked up with each other in the past (and for all we know, present). Which brings us to the current dilemma: what, if anything, should we do with this information?
The tricky thing is not anything to do with Aries, or Lily, but about Jay. Since we broke up, I have spoken to him in vague terms about the fact that Nina and I have started to see other people. He understands, but was a bit upset about it. I think it just stirs up feelings of wishing we could all be together again, and feeling like he's being replaced, rather than anything else. I made it clear that if he wanted to know more, he could ask us. He's chosen to not ask us, which in Jay-speak is a strong sign that he doesn't want to know those details.
Nina and I have discussed things our end - Aries is such an uncomplicated guy, that neither of us feel that Lily and him having a relationship (even if it's ongoing) is actually a problem. It might be a problem for Lily, but we can't control her reactions, and even if we had known in advance, we don't feel like it should have been something that stopped us getting involved with him. The only awkwardness is now whether our involvement with him could get back to Jay via Lily. I guess the worry is that before we suspected this link between them, that we felt we could be relaxed about being seen out in public with him. Now it feels like we either need to be upfront with everyone about stuff, or tip-toe around our own neighbourhood (we are all close neighbours - Aries and Jay&Lily live two streets away - we live across a park from them). Do we just say nothing to any of them, and cross that bridge if it comes? (Right now it feels like we have a secret - Aries doesn't talk about his other lovers much, so it feels a bit awkward) Do we just mention it to Aries and ask that he not overtly mention it to Lily if the two of them are still in regular contact? (Seems like an unnecessary imposition and dragging-him-into-drama) Do we talk to Jay direct? (Knowing he doesn't want to know who we are sleeping with right now) Do we talk to Lily? (Knowing she might find it a bit upsetting for her own reasons) Some other option?
Gaaah! The world is too small sometimes!