I was spending some time thinking about jealousy today. I've kind of reached a place in my mind where I think I have more understanding about what I feel and why.
The specific issue on my mind was MFM. Both I and his other girlfriend really wanted to do it, me with my H, and her with her fiance. Her fiance lives out of town and came to visit this week, and I am guessing they probably had one. I haven't asked, though, although I probably should since it's been on my mind so much.
I'm a little crushed by the idea that he did it with her first. He had never had one either and I really wanted us to do it together. I keep repeating to myself that what he has with her doesn't take anything away from me. What he and I have is still special no matter what he does with her. Sex with my husband does not make me want sex with L any less.
So I did some more thinking on why I am still feeling jealous, and coming to the realization it's because I'm not getting my needs met. When I am not seeing L and she is, it hurts and I get frustrated and unhappy. And it's not that I don't want him to see her, because I want him to have his sexual needs met and it's not like he and I are seeing each other often enough for that. But it really upsets me that she can see him and I can't. Distance sucks ass. He can stop by her place and visit for an hour or two and he just can't do that with me. So I haven't seen him in four weeks and she sees him at least once a week. It's just not fair And yes, I'm whining like a little kid because I know it is what it is and it's not like he doesn't want to see me. But I miss him like crazy and it really hurts that I can't see him.
I have about 9 weeks to look forward to where he's still very busy and has little time for daily communication and not much chance of seeing him. He tells me that he needs me, and that he is going to try to swing a weekend before then but it may not be possible. It breaks my heart to think of going so long without being with him. I miss him so much.
Why does love have to be so hard? He told me he believes that we were meant to meet and be together. I wish that meant we didn't have to be apart so much.
Comments are always welcome. It helps to have other perspectives when I'm thinking about stuff, especially since being in multiple love relationships is still so novel to me.
The specific issue on my mind was MFM. Both I and his other girlfriend really wanted to do it, me with my H, and her with her fiance. Her fiance lives out of town and came to visit this week, and I am guessing they probably had one. I haven't asked, though, although I probably should since it's been on my mind so much.
I'm a little crushed by the idea that he did it with her first. He had never had one either and I really wanted us to do it together. I keep repeating to myself that what he has with her doesn't take anything away from me. What he and I have is still special no matter what he does with her. Sex with my husband does not make me want sex with L any less.
So I did some more thinking on why I am still feeling jealous, and coming to the realization it's because I'm not getting my needs met. When I am not seeing L and she is, it hurts and I get frustrated and unhappy. And it's not that I don't want him to see her, because I want him to have his sexual needs met and it's not like he and I are seeing each other often enough for that. But it really upsets me that she can see him and I can't. Distance sucks ass. He can stop by her place and visit for an hour or two and he just can't do that with me. So I haven't seen him in four weeks and she sees him at least once a week. It's just not fair And yes, I'm whining like a little kid because I know it is what it is and it's not like he doesn't want to see me. But I miss him like crazy and it really hurts that I can't see him.
I have about 9 weeks to look forward to where he's still very busy and has little time for daily communication and not much chance of seeing him. He tells me that he needs me, and that he is going to try to swing a weekend before then but it may not be possible. It breaks my heart to think of going so long without being with him. I miss him so much.
Why does love have to be so hard? He told me he believes that we were meant to meet and be together. I wish that meant we didn't have to be apart so much.
Comments are always welcome. It helps to have other perspectives when I'm thinking about stuff, especially since being in multiple love relationships is still so novel to me.
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