First Encounter - EXPLICIT and dealing with HEAVY FEELS

mandalagirl

New member
Hey all!

So I am brand new to the poly world. My boyfriend of 5 years (he'll be called B) and I have recently started talking to a wonderful girl. Call her K.

Now, my question will include a LOT of "summarizing" to try to make this post as short as possible. We all get along very well. She and my B text, get along, have interests in common. K and I text, get along, have interests in common. When we are all 3 in a room it feels natural and normal and does not feel weird. Everything is great. We all enjoy each other and are sexually attracted to each other.

K has been in several long term poly relationships and B and I are just starting. So our first 'encounter' last night.

Everything was going AMAZING. Honestly best sex of my life. We were all 3 participating evenly, and everything was great. K had requested no "intercourse" from B that night, but hands and etc. would be fine. (she told me this morning that she wished she would not have made that rule, as she 'really wanted B to fuck her"

So, there was a moment where the whole thing - I want to say shattered for me. She started fillacio on B. I tried to join her in the process several times. She wasn't letting me anywhere near that. Very confused because all other aspects were very communal.

I stepped back, stayed stepped back. No one noticed. I walked out of room, distraught, and went to the bathroom. I don't think either saw how upset I was - verge of tears. Looked back in and saw them kissing deeply and heart sunk again.

I had to go into the other room and calm my breath, I was almost hyperventilating. When I came back in they didn't seem to have noticed. We laid down for "bed" and B initiated a few more encounters that night. They were fine, kept playing with all three as usual.

But now, it feels like the whole experience was ruined for me. All the three way play was amazing - but my heart still feels this weird crushing breaking feeling when I think of the middle of encounter.

We all cuddled all night in bed, she went home and B and I went to our day jobs.

I am not sure where to go from here. So much if it felt so right and natural - and i KNOW she wants more with B. She even expressed it this morning. I know B would want more with her - aka more direct sex between the two of them.

Help! Am I not ready for poly? Where do I go from here? how do I explain without sounding selfish? And without dismissing all the lovely parts of the evening??
 
Help! Am I not ready for poly?

Without knowing more about you, I don't know if any of us can answer that first question for you. In spite of your claims that you had the best sex ever, your first experience was unpleasant. That doesn't mean you're not ready for poly, it just means you had a bad experience. And make no mistake about it, sometimes group sex can put the whammy on you. I've experienced times of disconnect with my lovers, and it's always a jarring feeling because it's happening in the context of you having completely let your guard down.

I think what worries me about your story is that you didn't feel comfortable in the moment expressing your discomfort, or asking for a break or a chance to reconnect with them both (or just your boyfriend if needs be). Instead, you expected them to notice that something was off, and stop of their own accord. I honestly don't think it works like that. They're not mind-readers. When caught up in the moment, I have quite literally had to take my partner's hand off the delightful piece of anatomy she was so eagerly exploring and ask her to stop…and I would say my partner is extremely perceptive of my moods and sensitivities.

Where do I go from here? how do I explain without sounding selfish? And without dismissing all the lovely parts of the evening??

I think where you go from here depends on whether you feel like you'd like to give all three of you a second chance in the sack. If you do want to explore further, then talk to them. At the very least, talk to him. Explain that you had a wobble in the middle of something that up until that point, was very lovely, and explain how you felt. Chances are they will both feel horrified that you were upset and will want to not find themselves in that position ever again. Maybe you discovered that oral is something you'd rather they did alone, or maybe it's something you'd like taken off the table altogether temporarily until you figure out what your reaction meant and can work through it. Maybe you simply just need to establish with the pair of them that any of you can call a halt at any time, for any reason, to centre yourselves and reconnect, before deciding if you want to continue. Hell, you should have this conversation with them even if you've decided this relationship is not a goer for you at all!

And I can't stress this enough: there's nothing selfish about conveying your discomfort. Sometimes just hearing their side of it and their reaction to your disclosure is enough to get the reassurance you need to make sure the next time is even better, or to centre yourself and carry on. Sex with multiple people ebbs and flows. If they can't handle taking a wee break to reassure you and make sure everyone is on the same page and is a willing participant, then quite frankly, you shouldn't be having sex with these people in the first place.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

I see several layers of things going on here. Expectations, calibrating on vocabulary, dealing with safewords/gestures and check-ins for continuing consent, dealing with drop, etc.

Did you expect sex share across three to come without bumps in the road? IME, sex share with two has some of those bumps. People getting to know each other and all. Figuring out what your sex practices will be in a threesome now that you are having threesome sex is part of the deal.

I will affirm this too.

If they can't handle taking a wee break to reassure you and make sure everyone is on the same page and is a willing participant, then quite frankly, you shouldn't be having sex with these people in the first place.

Not only consent at the start of sex, but all through the sex share. It's called continuing consent. Because instense sex CAN lead to spacey people, struggling people, etc. Checking in periodically is a good thing.

It doesn't have to be only in kinky sex to be doing colors. It doesn't take long to say "Gimme colors" and partner to say what color.

  • green =good to go
  • yellow = proceed with caution
  • red = stop. Check in. Maybe continue, maybe not.
  • Black = abort mission. No questions.

In "Chasing Amy" there's one scene that slayed me when I first saw it years ago. The whole "Constant updates -- be the weather channel" thing Banky does. Because I totally agree. At least for the first few times of "getting to know each other" sex share.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD26xyWewcE

To me fellatio is intercourse. Penetration is going on. She said "no intercourse." But maybe it doesn't count for her. You were taken aback, and then disappointed to not be included. To me that seems to indicate more conversation could happen -- calibrating what is "intercouse" and what is "outercourse" to each of you guys. Maybe these sheets help?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Could chalk that up to misunderstanding since it's new.

Rather than pull away, you could have reported your weather channel. What you wanted. How you were feeling. You ability to execute that in the moment might be compromised though. I sometimes go speechless during super intense sex. I don't even have to be doing anything kinky. So if you are like that, or discovering you are like that in the context of threesome sex because it ratchets up intensity for you?

You learned something new about yourself. Verbal cues will not work for you. Could talk to your partners about it and make them aware you do this so they are doubly looking out for you. Or agree to a physical cue rather than a verbal cue that you need a time out and a check in. Like turning lamp on and off. Or "I'll fight you if there's a prob" or "knocking the tissues off the nightstand" or something else.

It is his penis, so his want trumps the others. But if both of you wanted to share oral sex with him, both could say so and either take turns or try a duo approach. Go in with a good attitude of play/experimenty and some things will work out and some will not. Again -- getting to know each other here in a new context.

I note you describe AWESOME sex, and then a crashing down. It is possible too that you had a "drop" from poor pacing because you all are new together? Too much stimulus and trying to sustain the adrenalin high with no pauses for breaks maybe led to a crash?

You might feel blue or depressed for a few days after as the brain chemistry clears your system.

Though in kink language "subdrop" rather than "polydrop" here's some articles.

http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/tnbdsmpe/subdrop.html
http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/03/sub-drops-emotional-side/
http://www.rosecoloredasses.com/sirreal/bdsmscience.htm

I remember this came up before... in this old post. It turned out ok there, so maybe reading that is comforting for you.

I am not sure where to go from here. So much if it felt so right and natural - and i KNOW she wants more with B. She even expressed it this morning. I know B would want more with her - aka more direct sex between the two of them.

You sound like you just want some time to digest the recent threesome first before tackling new things. It's ok to say that.

how do I explain without sounding selfish? And without dismissing all the lovely parts of the evening??

Maybe something like...

"I hear you B, and K, in your shared want for more together. During a threesome or maybe even a twosome. I am not opposed to talking about it. I want some time to digest the recent threesome first before tackling new topics. I need stability and reassurance thoughout as things keep evolving. Taking one conversation at a time helps with that.

I want to make you aware our last encounter was lovely, but led to a drop for me. I didn't know what that was and had to look online to figure it out.

I want to talk about how to handle future drops first, before more sex share (stimulus) happens. So I can roll with it better and combat drops. Could you be willing to talk that out some and listen to what I would like for beforecare/aftercare? What happens if it is another person who experiences drop? How would I help care for them? "​

Open a dialogue. Sort out your boundaries for sex share and other things. You can do this. Just make the appointment date to talk a few days out to give your body a chance to clear that brain chemistry stuff.

GL!
HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Poly aside, you're not ready for non-monogamy. The appropriate thing to do last night was to speak up when you started feeling neglected. If you don't feel confident even asking for that, than you shouldn't be dealing with threesomes, let alone poly relationships.
 
Thank you

Thanks for everyone for the amazing advice.

To Candiedlove in particular - but to any who have thoughts

are there asexual poly relationships? I have Zero bad feelings when I think about K and B talking, cuddling, anything 'dating' and caring for each other. I don't even need/want to have sex with K either - it's fine but not needed! Do people ever do asexual poly?
 
There's many open models, and more that aren't even listed. People "do poly" however it is they want to be doing it. It is very DIY.

If you want to have asexual polymodel, that's fine.

If you want to be in a "V" with B as the shared sweetie hinge person, and the you and K not lovers, that's fine too.

However you guys want it to be? Be. :)

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Poly aside, you're not ready for non-monogamy. The appropriate thing to do last night was to speak up when you started feeling neglected. If you don't feel confident even asking for that, than you shouldn't be dealing with threesomes, let alone poly relationships.

This comes across a bit harsh. She sounded ready, she just didn't quite know what to do in one short portion of the sex. Heck, sometimes one on one sex can go wrong and need tinkering with. Even if you've been having sex for years. Does that mean one isn't ready for one on one sex?

Mandalagirl, welcome to open relationships and the board. I don't think your experience is at all uncommon. I have not had tons of 3somes (or foursomes), maybe a dozen times, with varied partners over the years, but I've definitely had times where I felt left out when the other 2 were suddenly doing some one on one stuff and I didnt feel needed or wanted. And in the heat of the moment it can be hard to know what to do!

Just bring it up again with both partners. And remember, sometimes in threesomes it's OK for one of the partners to get up, go pee, wash off sticky stuff, get a drink, smoke a cig or whatever, and let the other 2 go at it for a while. You can always enjoy just watching the show for a while, touching yourself for fun, or not. Just gently remind them when you are ready, that you're back and would like someone to touch you.

Not every single act needs to be all 3 equally sharing at once, every moment. Sometimes it's OK to take turns. :)

Good sex takes practice!
 
I have Zero bad feelings when I think about K and B talking, cuddling, anything 'dating' and caring for each other. I don't even need/want to have sex with K either - it's fine but not needed! Do people ever do asexual poly?
Today 02:00 PM

I'm guessing K and B aren't interested in asexual poly with each other. However, no where is it written that you need to have sex with the woman, or that you have to have threesomes with your man and whoever he sleeps with.

Having threesomes are not a cure for jealousy. Oftentimes, in a threesome, attraction is flowing between two people and the third feels left out. The solution: If you don't feel happy doing threesomes, don't do threesomes.

You can each date this woman separately, or only he can date her as it sounds as if you're not terribly interested in sex with her. Let go of the idea that threesomes are the only way to do this.
 
Polyamory does not automatically mean threesomes and group sex.

Amen...

My husbands especially Murf wouldn't have any part of this if it did. I feel the same.
 
Poly aside, you're not ready for non-monogamy. The appropriate thing to do last night was to speak up when you started feeling neglected. If you don't feel confident even asking for that, than you shouldn't be dealing with threesomes, let alone poly relationships.
This comes across a bit harsh. She sounded ready, she just didn't quite know what to do in one short portion of the sex. Heck, sometimes one on one sex can go wrong and need tinkering with. Even if you've been having sex for years. Does that mean one isn't ready for one on one sex?

Agreed. It's the time-worn Catch-22: how does one gain experience if they keep being told to stop because they don't know what they're doing? I see this on Reddit a lot: you're struggling? Clearly, you can't handle non-monogamy. The best thing you could do for your partner is leave.

Really?

If my partner is willing to work with me through my struggles, then I have potential to do just fine. It's just a learning curve. Lord knows I still struggle with things, but I've found what's okay, and I've found what I still need to manage. That's huge. And that's not an overnight process.

As for the original situation? I think GalaGirl's advice is great. You're learning what does and doesn't work for you. Time to adjust toward using more techniques or situations that DO work. Again, not an overnight process, but one that has potential to work as long as you all have compassion for each other, and can communicate and work well with each other.

Don't assume that setbacks mean you should throw in the towel. When you keep trying and there's no progress to be made? *Then* it's probably time to evaluate whether this is for you.
 
Hi mandalagirl, and welcome!

Your post is very interesting, and I'd like to add to it. Some really fantastic advice here already.

I have to second the following points:

- You don't have to find threesomes comfortable to be poly!
- You don't have to find every threesome awesome to eventually have great threesomes!
- You're not selfish for being uncomfortable, or for communicating this.
- You can of course have any kind of relationship you want, as long as everyone involved wants the same thing.

Regarding the painful part to talk about - the sex. There are so many reasons things like this can happen. It can be something as simple as the way things flow in a moment. Next time, it might be you and B, or you and K, that are in full swing. Unless a deeper issue is uncovered at some point, try to remember that sex is a primal act. When we're driven by sex in the moment, we aren't thinking with our logical, polite brains. We are literally driven by what feels good in the moment. If we're kissing someone, we want more of that. If someone's going down on us? Yes! We want more of that. Don't torture yourself with the exact details, if you can help it.

It's definitely a good idea to communicate with B and K that you found the experience a struggle in parts. It's definitely a great idea to set up a safeword or traffic light system. Whether you go into specifics is up to you and depends on your preference. I know for certain that if I had a threesome with my GF and someone else, and she felt left out, I'd want to know. I'd also want to hear when she felt left out, so that I could be more aware in the future. However, if the tables were turned, I'd probably be more general with my GF, since specifics are likely to leave her feeling pressured and self-conscious, which would leave me feeling that her future sexual interactions with me would not be organic. Different personalities.

Perhaps it would also help to think of these threesomes another way. Have you ever had sex with a partner where he's more focused on you than you are on him, or vice-versa? Or he's more focused on doing a certain act, or exploring a certain thing, than you are? I've definitely experienced these things - I think they are a completely normal part of sex! The same things happen in threesomes. Unless they happen every single time, they are unlikely to be the sign of a problem - they are simply something that happens in the moment.

Whilst thinking of threesomes another way, it's important to remember that it's very, very difficult for threeway interactions to be completely balanced. Even in threeway conversations, two people will often jabber on to each other a little more at some point. Rather than aiming for threesomes to be completely balanced, you could look at it as being a chance for the whole group to share pleasure - including the pleasure of voyeurism. Being watched by your partner when you're having sex with someone else is hot. They might have even been spurred on by the fact that you were there with them! They may have been way more aware of your presence than you realise.

i KNOW she wants more with B. She even expressed it this morning. I know B would want more with her - aka more direct sex between the two of them.
Do you mean that K wants PIV sex with B, and B wants the same thing? Is there any reason this can't happen? Or do you mean that you know it's coming and you're now anxious about it, after this experience? Or that they want to have sex alone?
Help! Am I not ready for poly? Where do I go from here? how do I explain without sounding selfish? And without dismissing all the lovely parts of the evening??

Being ready for poly isn't the same as being ready for a threesome :) Having a threesome gone awry is INCREDIBLY common, and it doesn't mean you're not cut out for threesomes, either!

On the other hand, you may find after a few more encounters that threesomes with this particular couple (or anyone) might not be for you. For me personally? I'm good with being poly, but wouldn't want a threesome that involved anyone I was deeply in love with, because I couldn't handle the mindfuck of analysing their interactions and I know I would undoubtedly analyse them.

Where I'd go from here is either to try another encounter with a relaxed, open attitude. Expect there to be times when you're less involved, but hope for times that you are more involved. Go into it embracing voyeurism for those moments that you are less involved. Also, set up a safeword. The other option, which is also great, is to bring these feelings up! You can absolutely do this without sounding selfish. Express your vulnerability. Say that you feel embarrassed about bringing this up, but you struggled to see the two of them so locked-in on each other, and you wanted to talk about it. Ask them if there's something they want from each other that they aren't getting, and to be honest with you if they're more into each other than they are with you right now. If they are both as into you as they are to each other, I see no reason why this wouldn't make their hearts melt. You aren't demanding more attention, you're telling them it's safe to be open with you.

As for not dismissing the lovely parts of the evening, do exactly that! Don't dismiss them. Start the conversation by expressing what you enjoyed, then bring up what caused you to wobble. :)
 
I don't think it's true that you're necessarily "not ready for poly". Take this as a learning experience, speak to your partner and the woman you played with that night and process what happened.

Yes, the thing to do would have been to communicate in the moment, but you weren't in a place to be able to do that. That's OK. Next time, you might choose some different boundaries, choose some safewords that indicate that there are problems, etc. None of us is perfect about this kind of stuff.

I recently had one of my first experiences being at a party with other women that my partner is intimate with. I knew that I would likely see him touch and kiss them (it wasn't a play party). When it happened, I did experience some insecurity, and I asked him several times for reassurance and affection. I think it went fairly well, and now I know more about my responses and what to expect when I see him affectionate with others. Eventually, I know I'll see him having sex with others, and I hope I can walk the line between asking for what reassurances I need while also being able to cope with some discomfort without needing his help. It's all a learning experience, and, IMO, it's not necessary for us to be perfect at it right out of the gate!
 
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