Not sure Poly is for me.

Alice7

New member
So just curious if anyone has any insight. I met the love of my life. He is absolutely everything I've ever wanted, a lot of things I never even thought to want. I met him when I was married and he was married. I thought my marriage was strong but my new relationship quickly showed me just how abusive my husband was. I ended up leaving my husband and moving in with H (my fiancé) and his wife (N). Their marriage was rocky and had been for the entire 12 years they'd been together. Being poly was a huge part of what helped them to get on the right track and save their marriage. Fast forward and I'm pregnant, H and N have a COMPLETELY different relationship dynamic than they did when a poly lifestyle sounded like a great idea, we all live together (which was never part of the plan), and H isn't comfortable with me or N seeing anyone else (not that N has any desire to). All the things that seemed like no big deal when we were first seeing each other have literally been tearing me apart for six months. I don't know why I can't grasp any of these concepts anymore. I try. I beat my head against the damn wall. I'm head over heels for H. I don't know how to leave him. But this is killing me. H hears me talking in my sleep and it's killing him how much this is torturing me. But how do you walk away from everything you've ever wanted? I've never met anyone like him. So the question is.... Do you guys have any insight? Do you think this is something I can get past? Am I just prolonging the inevitable staying?
 
This sounds like a very sad situation for all of you. Not only have some changes made things uncomfortable but even things that are unchanged are causing pain. The circumstances you were in when you were first seeing each other were very different so naturally your priorities were different then. Have all the changes come rapidly? It seems like discussion and negotiation may not have kept up with circumstances so that you are all scrambling to cope. Have you considered seeing a counselor either by yourself or with your partners? It sounds like you need some good support in sorting things out.

Try to take loving care of yourself, you need it and so does your baby.

Leetah
 
I am sorry you struggle. I am not clear on what you want from your polyship at this point in time. Could you be willing to clarify?

I'm pregnant.

Is this a wanted pregnancy?

H and N have a COMPLETELY different relationship dynamic than they did when a poly lifestyle sounded like a great idea.

How does the change in that (H+N) dyad change things for you? Is it in a way you do not want?

we all live together (which was never part of the plan)

Do you not want to live together? If not, what stops you from moving out? Finances? Something else?

H isn't comfortable with me or N seeing anyone else.

Do you not want to be in a Closed polyship? You do want to be able to see other people?

I'm head over heels for H. I don't know how to leave him. But this is killing me. How do you walk away from everything you've ever wanted?

It sounds like he is everything you ever wanted except for X... but you don't seem to list what X is that you do not like. What is it?

Do you think this is something I can get past? Am I just prolonging the inevitable staying?

What is "this" in that sentence? I am not sure. Ultimately whatever "this" is... you are the one who determines if you can get past it or not. You know you best.

Galagirl
 
Thank you for your response Leetah!

When I met H he was fairly sure his marriage was going to end. They hadn't had almost any sex in 12 years. He was beginning to think N was asexual which, compounded with their other issues, was enough for him to walk out. She didn't want anymore children. They were basically cohabitiating/roommates/ co parents. I was getting him in my bed every night. Suddenly she realizes her sexual issues and they are having sex nightly, N wants a baby, N wants to spend equal time with H including PDA, I only get him in bed every other night. I'm so thrilled for him that his marriage didn't end! Don't get me wrong. I love him and I know it's what he wants, but it isn't what I signed up for. It feels like as they fixed things, I lost them. Then the house we got (which I loved at first when we planned to continue our nightly baths) was great. N got the master and I had no issue. When I started struggling, H stopped bathing with me and started taking LONG baths in the master bedroom with the door closed and now I feel like the roommate that lives downstairs by herself while the rest of the family of 7 lives upstairs, including two of my children.

Then, add to it that at one point H and N proceeded to start a sexual relationship with a woman behind my back. It was brief (only one conversation) and only over text, but I'd already told H my feelings about the woman. It was a huge mistake, and H apologized profusely but it causes quite a bit of trust issues and it hurt. Quite shocking to me considering I didn't even know at this point that they'd managed to build quite an active sex life at this point. Now H has gotten somewhat more careful with his phone than he was before. I still know he password but he is very cautious not to leave it alone with me at all, which can at times leave my mind going in every direction wondering if some thing else is being hidden from me.

We've only been together eight months LOL It's been a whirlwind. Lots of changes VERY quickly. Meeting, leaving my husband, moving in with them, and getting pregnant all happened in a matter of four months. Im well aware (especially in retrospect) that this was a poor choice. But all I can do at this point is figure out how to move forward. H has suggested counseling as well. I think that's the route we'll have to take. Lots has happened. Lots of drama. And if things do end, I'd like to know I did everything to try to make it work, especially with a LO on the way.
 
Thank you for more details.

I think you are right. Counseling could be best here. Lots of stuff in a short amount of time without giving yourself a chance to stabilize in between each one.

Then the whole business of the married H&N cheating on agreements with you with some woman when this is supposed to be a Closed thing... That's messed up.

Do see a counselor to help you sort out what you want to do in your situation.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl,

I do want to be pregnant. I never wanted to bring yet another child into the world who will grow up with parents aren't together. The timing isn't ideal. But a baby is always a miracle to me after six losses.

Finances are a bit tight and we signed a lease. Only 7 months left, but to be honest I think I'd be happier sharing a room which is something we are hoping to work up to. I REALLY don't like only getting every other night in bed with H.

I'm not really sure if I want to see other people. I guess I'd like the choice because when I was married this wasn't as hard. And when I'm doing it for him but he is so unwilling to do it for me it makes me feel like he doesn't care how hard this is for me if that makes any sense.

The X is H and N's marriage working out. Like I've said, im happy for them but I'm not sure I can be happy with a man that isn't monogamous to me.

I was worried you'd say that lol "This" is just my insecurities and the fact that at this point in time being with a poly man makes me very unhappy.
 
I am hesitant to suggest this as it involves more stress, but are you in a position to get your own place? or at least someone else to stay with while things are being sorted out amongst you? It seems like you and your kids could use someplace calm and stable to regroup. You have had plenty of drama in the last 4 months and it does not seem to be letting up.

Leetah
 
Thank you GalaGirl.

I completely agree. I am still struggling with that one. We will definitely seek help. Even if we decide to split because of the baby I'd really like help navigating a healthy relationship.
 
Leetah,

I wish:( There just is no way financially. My ex husband cut my child support and I'm still fighting him in court. I moved from PA to TN and I don't know anyone here. I can't uproot my kids again. And I don't want H to miss any part of the pregnancy.
 
To me it sounds like you expected each of you to split from previous spouses. You did, he did not. It does not sound like he presented himself as a poly person. It sounds like he presented himself as an almost available mono person, and now it is bait and switch time.

I was worried you'd say that lol "This" is just my insecurities and the fact that at this point in time being with a poly man makes me very unhappy

I don't think it is the "poly" part that is making you unhappy. You have become isolated and basically financially dependent on him -- guy who is a near stranger. You are pregnant by him -- which makes you more vulnerable. He and his wife were over. Then they are back together without you knowing behind your back? Was that him cheating on you then?

He cheats for sure with the sexting woman. Now he's secretive. It's VERY hard to trust and feel stable in a situation like this.

I think you could call your parents or friends and ask if they are willing to help move you and your kids back home to PA and help you rebuild your post divorce life in a healthier way. Be with more trustworthy people you have known for years rather than be at the mercy of people you've only known 8 months in rushed/weird sounding circumstances. Then you are no longer isolated. Could seek counseling there at home in PA. Start to stabilize bits of your life one area at a time.

No healthy loving hinge would RUSH you like that so soon after leaving an abusive marriage. You need time to heal. You sound like you were love bombed. Coming on too strong too fast is a red flag.

A healthy person would hold off on proposing marriage to you when you are not even divorced yet and neither is he. They would not be in a hurry to get pregnant either. Or move you in with them. You guys simply don't know each other very well or very long. A healthy person would encourage you to do post-abuse classes and self care first -- not ask you to be making big life changing decisions on the fly when discombobulated.

I am sorry you deal in all this. Please do talk to a counselor on your own. I hope you can stabilize things for yourself.

Galagirl
 
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Right. That was what I was thinking would happen, especially after living with them and seeing how completely separately they lived.

I agree. It's a lot all at once. We both rushed completely which was partly due to the situation. I was badly in denial about how dangerous my ex is and when I realized it I had no family or friends to turn to except H.

He's always been very honest about the state of his marriage and his wishes to fix things. And unfortunately the rush and coming on strong was both of us. In retrospect, we both should've taken the time to stabilize our situations before pursuing a relationship with each other.

He's been very encouraging and supportive of solo and couples counseling. I have been seeing a counselor on my own.
 
Well, he was very honest about his wish to fix things but not honest about reestablishing a busy sex life with his wife and adding phone sex in when you had expressly told him that would make you uncomfortable under the circumstances.

It sounds like your ex did the classic abuser gambit of separating you from all sources of support so it is no wonder you jumped when you saw a way out. Can your begin to get in touch with former friends so you have a some outside support aside from your counselor?

Leetah
 
Assuming this BF is NOT another abuser who swooped in where the STBX husband left off...

Could still move out. Now or when the lease is up. Even if you stay in TN. Keep seeing counselor. Look up your women's shelter choices and how they can help with placement in a job, and in affordable housing, etc.

Could ask the counselor what they think about slowing it WAY down with him and going back to do the steps you guys skipped. Build trust and intimacy back up slowly as you work to be financially independent and provide for self and kids. Not do this rushing thing any more.

If he balks at that? That tells you something.

Do get in touch with family and friends at home for help/support/encouragement. Do get out to make friends here... even if you think you want to go back to PA. Take steps to reduce your isolation/dependence.

Galagirl
 
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The reality is that they used poly to fix their marriage and now their marriage is fixed they have less need, desire and room to be poly. I agree with what someone else said about you and him covertly/subconciously planning to both leave your spouses but he didn't follow through.

Now, I think it's about you setting up a stable home for your child and making Co parent agreements.
 
You say you have no family or friends back in PA to help you now, or could have helped you in the past when your ex h was abusing you?

And now you have no family or friends except this kind of sketchy guy and his wife...

Glad you're in counseling. I guess you don't believe in abortion. This is a tough time to be pregnant. :(

Good luck.
 
Hi, Alice7!

I'm sorry to say this, but this is a real MESS! Poly is not for everyone. You're not "more enlightened" or "more open" by being poly if your heart's not really in it. You're being closed to your real wants and needs. That's not healthy.

I admit that I'm a little confused. Let me put it into one-line sentences (or maybe one-sentence lines) to try and untangle it. Tell me if I get ANY of this wrong:

Your husband was abusive but you weren't aware of that until you found a new BF who "wasn't".
He led you to believe that his marriage was falling apart and that you and he would be monogamous.
Once you were together, his marriage got back on track.
You're "happy for them" but not 100% because you wanted him for yourself.
You already have 2 children (from your ex?), wanted another, and rushed into getting pregnant by new BF.
Your BF has 2 lovers but doesn't want either of you to have any lovers but him.*
Your sex life with him is dwindling while his with her is blossoming.
You feel like an outsider in your own home.
You feel like an outsider even removed from your own children. [PLEASE answer this one!]
You want to move out but can't afford to.
You tell yourself "This is not what I asked for" but cling on to him because you love him.
Your BF and his wife HAVE cheated on you in the past and he MIGHT be cheating on you now.
[I personally wouldn't give ANYBODY my phone password. But I'd be honest about that, not sneaky as he apparently is: gives you the password, then hides the phone. Something to hide, it looks like.]

Unless I've got large chunks of that wrong, it sounds to me like you're being abused (again). You didn't realise it the first time (with your husband) until you got out. At least, this time, you're beginning to suspect.

Keep going to the counsellor, build your self-esteem, kiss this jerk goodbye. Not necessarily in that order. I quote:
I thought my marriage was strong but my new relationship quickly showed me just how abusive my husband was.
THINK about that.

All the best. You'll need it.
MFFR

* Jerks who insist on this REALLY piss me off!
 
Hi Alice7,

Is there any news? Can you give us any updates?

It sounds like you're stuck with H, and it sounds like you're unhappy with H, and it sounds like you love H a lot, and it sounds like you don't want to leave H. I know you said something about not wanting another child growing up with separated parents.

What does your counselor have to say about all this? if you don't mind my asking.

So, you have two kids altogether, plus you are pregnant (with a third child)? What about H and N, how many kids do they have? Are they planning for N to get pregnant soon?

You expected a monogamous life with H, but instead you're getting a polyamorous life with H and N. Assuming H divided everything fairly/evenly between you and N, would you at all be okay with living that poly life? Now, *is* H dividing everything fairly/evenly?

It certainly seems unfair to me for H to say that even though he gets two women, each woman gets, well, on average, half a man. That would be fine if you were content with the arrangement, but shouldn't you have a choice in the matter? He's laying down the law.

Maybe you feel like if N would just go away, things would be good between you and H again? Maybe you feel like N is ruining your life?

Do you want to break up with H? Do you have a choice? What do you feel/believe?

Sorry I have no answers, only more questions ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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