Flakes, flaking, flakiness

River

Active member
Flakes, of course, are folks who don't follow through on what they say they're gonna do, whether it be to meet up with you for a "date" or [ fill in the blank ].

Flakiness (it seems to me!) used to be ... occasional in my life. It would happen now and then. Often rescheduling would happen and the one I'm re-scheduling with will show up. Or whatever the agreement was. (A person cannot be called a "flake" simply because they must reschedule a get-together. That happens. Stuff happens. Flakes are those who re-schedule a rescheduled get-together, and then want to talk about a third re-scheduling. Naturally I'm very suspicious at that point!)

Now it seems more commonly than not folks don't follow through with what they say they're gonna do, whatever it is, whether in my "personal" or "professional" life.

Am I alone here? Just WTF is going on here? It can't just be me!
 
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I don't have a lot of that in either sphere -- personal or professional.

I had it more in my teen/young adult days. Which I chalked up to

a) people were younger and still figuring it out

b) I was trapped with people. (ex: teacher assigns a group project, people flake. It is not like *I* picked their company)​

The few I encounter today?

a) they are seniors who are starting to get a little "fuzzy" in the brain

b) If they show up wanting to work with me, I choose NOT to. Or I put them on "bonus" expectations and not "real" ones.​

Ex: If I do the church coffee after the service and a known unreliable adult wants to help with X? I say we're full plates for my week if they are total flakes. I encourage them to sign up for a different week when I'm not the captain. I am more than willing to go BUY a package of whatever for snack to not deal with them and hit my plate count that way. Less stress and what's a few bucks compared to my mental health?

If they are only somewhat flaky (like the fuzzy senior), I say sure sign up for a plate slot. I also assign the same task to another adult but slightly different. Then I get two plates coming for chocolate thing. One brownie and one choc chip cookies. But if the person flakes, at least I have the brownie to put out there after the service. The cookies were "happy bonus."

Maybe it bothers me less because I've found workarounds and manage expectations?

Galagirl
 
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I don't have a lot of that in either sphere -- personal or professional.

Oh, how I envy you!

For me, the professional part probably has to do with working in a non-profit that depends entirely on voluntary support -- financial and otherwise. Sigh. I'm living in the USA, and it seems Americans haven't figured out how to give generously to those who are giving generously.

I see a lot of flakes in my line of work.

But personally? It's weird! That's why I brought it up. I'm slowly losing my sense that most people ever mean what they say or say what they mean. There are exceptions, of course -- thank heaven. But, like, wow.
 
I'll provide one recent example:

There was this guy I met online, a massage therapist by training. Well, I love giving and receiving massages, and I have skills and a massage table, etc., so I proposed an exchange, a swap. Massage for massage. He agreed to meet me to see if the vibe was right for such an exchange. He cancelled and rescheduled. No problem. Stuff happens. Then he cancels again and reschedules. Okay, that's weird. But okay, I'm flexible and open.

Then he shows up late, confused.... But we spent an hour together at a coffee house, talking. All looked good, more or less. And then (this was a while back now, so the memory isn't entirely clear) we're talking about getting together for that massage exchange. He said something about how terribly busy he is and how full his social life is and how challenging his life is and how I'm going to have to be very patient and how the glass is half full and not empty and how it's me who has got to be patient and so on and so forth .... and it was the fact that he never apologized and sideways suggested that I'm the one with a problem (patience) that had me not reply to that particular email. Or was it a text. Whatever. He was never apologetic. Not once. But he kept stringing me on and on, like most folks have recently in my life.

It can't just be me, can it?
 
I would skip rescheduling for a massage swap with that guy. Too flaky.

I have one of those right now.

Long story short? I led an event with a volunteer who wanted to be "in charge" and they ignore my advice about hosting this event. I said ok. I'll provide Y then. I did my end of the job. They did not do theirs.

I had to step in to clean up the event hall and here's this event crap in my closet. Stood me up to come collect it on agreed date. I did NOT schedule another pick up.

I bagged it, tagged it, told front office where it is. Then emailed them to come get any time during office hours and tell front office to let them in the storage.

Now the Christmas events are coming. The dumb stuff is still there. I'm just doing nothing. It clocks 8 weeks and gets into the xmas zone? That's enough.

My plan is one more email that I hope they are ok and all. But the xmas events are here and need the space for their tubs... so I have to put this box on the curb Friday. Hope they can collect it.

If THEY don't want the precious? *I* am not gonna chase them down over it or treat it like precious.

And on my list I've checked their name that I don't work with them any more. Solved on my end.

Galagirl
 
And on my list I've checked their name that I don't work with them any more. Solved on my end.
Galagirl

Sorry about that.

At least you seem to still have an intact sense of People Generally Follow Through. I came very near to deciding to go live in a cave deep in the wilderness, myself.
 
Online dating currently seems to be nothing but flakes. Back when I first started meeting the vast majority would turn up, now the vast majority make flakey plans and then flake.

I have a friend who often asks when are getting together and rarely follows through with my offer of days and times. As GG suggest, I tempered my expectations as long time ago.

My last job was full of flakes. Absenteeism was rampant.

It's not just you. It's what is going on.
 
It's not just you. It's what is going on.

Thanks.

I guess I'll have to hear from others to get a better sense of whether this is just what is going on or not. But I do suspect it probably hasn't anything to do with me, per se.
 
I started reaching out and doing more meet and greets in our local kink community. Because I have to drive a ways to get into town, I teed up three meetings in one evening, all realistically spaced apart, 4, 6:30, and 8. 4pm was actually with Mike and we had a great time.

6:30 didn't show and then claimed he'd been held up at work. Didn't message me at 6:30, or even 6:40 to apologise, but waited until the next day and added that he'd shown at 7:45 to discover I'd gone. No £%&# Sherlock. He better have been saving lives. (No, I don't know what his job is).

So I went to my 8pm, again, simply a no show. Again, an apology the next day saying he thought he'd sent a message saying he wasn't feeling well but he could see it hadn't come through. Yeah Right.

I wish I had have been able to go straight home in a good mood after seeing Mike, but no, two jerks, one night.
 
Thanks Evie -

Yes, my experience, too, has involved many occasions of being stood up but not informed of the change of plans until ... either never or too late to matter. Some folks have informed me of a change of plans but without any kind of apologetic tone. :(
 
A related experience I'm having is in my work. I organize classes, workshops, retreats and such (Some I lead or teach. Others are led or taught by others.)

It's simply astonishing how often folks simply will not read a concise description of the event and how the registration process goes. So they make me do all kinds of unnecessary work, or show up completely clueless that they are not registered, etc....

It's making me a little ... frustrated. If not batty.

Me? I can't even IMAGINE going to an event of some kind not knowing anything at all about it.

I've taken to writing in big, all caps "BE SURE TO READ ABOUT THE REGISTRATION PROCESS BELOW," which I situate right atop the page. First line! And still people ignore it.
 
At least you seem to still have an intact sense of People Generally Follow Through. I came very near to deciding to go live in a cave deep in the wilderness, myself.

I think that's HOW I keep that sense of people around me generally follow thru.

If they don't? I mark it on my mental list and I don't play with them any more. I can choose the company I keep.

Galagirl
 
I used to teach piano lessons and there were always a number of students who wouldn't show up, and wouldn't call ahead to cancel, even if it meant they'd have to pay for the missed lesson. Weird. The majority of students would show up faithfully, but there were more flakes than one might expect.
 
I used to teach piano lessons and there were always a number of students who wouldn't show up, and wouldn't call ahead to cancel, even if it meant they'd have to pay for the missed lesson. Weird. The majority of students would show up faithfully, but there were more flakes than one might expect.

Oh. I didn't know you were a pianist. Why did you stop teaching?
 
Mostly because my wife had Alzheimer's. I had to take care of and watch over her.
 
Dude is the epitome of perpetual flake, he simply does NOT understand that other people may have priorities (like being on time for something) that don't coincide with his (like finishing a poker tournament that may take 15 minutes or 15 hours). It's like his clock is perpetually set to +/- a day or two. He underestimates the time any task will take, and waits until the last possible second to get started, ignoring the fact of (inevitable) delays and setbacks. He thinks he has build "cushion" time into his estimates (he hasn't) and that they are only "estimates" anyway.

He's really smart and really handy - he can, in fact, do the things he says he will do, if he gets around to it. I have taken to accepting all of his offers in the "bonus" sense that GG talks about. I always have a back up plan now for things that are actually important to me - which includes leaving without him if he is not ready when I want to go. (If he had fixed one of the 2-3 project cars he is "fixing" he might have been able to join us, but he didn't, so he can't.) He is the one that loses out, not me!

PS. One thing that I had to learn really well, was to NOT take responsibility for agreements Dude has made with other people - that is on him, if he disappoints and they are upset then that is between them. With MrS, if I know that he has an obligation and I am concerned he may not remember, I will remind him - and he appreciates it, and makes sure he gets it done.
 
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Mostly because my wife had Alzheimer's. I had to take care of and watch over her.

Oh. Wow. That must have been extremely challenging. I'm sorry.
 
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