The whole self of Aquamarine

Aquamarine

New member
Hello everybody,

I wanted to start this blog to reflect my efforts to find my ’true’ self. Lately, a process of getting to the bottom of my issues has been going on, and I wanted to share this journey on this forum. It was kick-started by the rapid development of the relationship between my wife and her new girlfriend. Surely, my journey had been primed by events, sickness, relationships, and mental/intellectual/emotional development during past years, but the effects of the process definitely peaked during the past 3 months. More is probably coming, still.

So basically, I will pour my heart out about some very private matters I happen to be dealing with at any given moment. I hope the possibility to reflect this process in public gives me some clarity what on earth I am doing, and where to go next. If you have comments, questions, advice, please feel free to share them with me.

I want to introduce myself and my poly-family. This first step seems already troubling. I don’t know how to identify myself. I don’t know who I should include in my family. At this moment, it goes like this:

Me (Aquamarine): 38 years old person questioning her (?) gender, probably bi or pan or something, kinky, poly, introvert, weird
Kay: 47 years old woman, lesbian, kinky, poly, my wife for 3.5 years, been together 5.5 years

I keep wondering if Kay’s family is my family, too. Just recently, one of her teenage kids, hence to be called TeenKid here, decided to finally move in with us after talking about it for couple of years. I guess that makes me a social parent now, but the thing is so new I’m still in a state of denial basically. In addition, Kay has a new girlfriend, but I don’t consider her as part of my family. Nevertheless, the new girlfriend is an important person also in my life, as she is important for my wife. I will call her Cat for now.

I will post a couple of other posts about my background and the current issues.
 
My background

My background:

I was raised with a strict religious upbrining. Heteronormative, monogamous relationships within marriage were expected. Sexuality in general was discouraged and even demonized. Solo sex was completely forbidden. Against this dark background, I consider myself well healed. Still, the unhealthy assumptions were reflected in my relationships for a long time. Only during the recent 5-10 years I have been able to start to accept my ’deviance’ in terms of sexuality. I am, after all, somewhere along the LGBTI scale. And poly. And kinky. I’m also uncertain my gender. Sometimes I wonder why can’t I be just an ordinary person. It would be so much easier. My therapist asked me if it was possible that I was all those things just to rebel against my upbringing. Well, perhaps I am? But how could I know the difference? Those things are part of my ’self’, and denying them as a mere rebel would be denying me. So, how does it even matter?

In terms of previous relationships, I have had five serious relationships, of which one is still going on. Serious means living together here. Four of my serious relationships have been with men. And the one relationship I have right now is with a woman. I don’t miss men. I don’t know if that makes me lesbian or what, but I just don’t care. I believe that my sexual orientation is pan, to be exact. For 15 years, I embraced the identity of a bisexual. Nowadays, pansexual seems to be more ’politically correct’ term and also more accurate description of my sexuality.

For a long time, I tried to live as a mono. I often failed. As a teen, I ended up cheating, because I didn’t know how to talk about difficult issues. That ability has developed only very slowly, but after the first, painful attempts with cheating, I learned how to at least to agree with different arrangements. The second serious relationship involved openness to sex with others, but the guy couldn’t handle the situation, after all, when I had some with other people. The third serious relationship was very serious indeed, and I tried to be mono. However, I still didn’t know how to really discuss difficult issues and problems, and we separated. It was painful, but I slowly started to realize that perhaps I really am not mono, despite my desparate attempts to pretend one. Perhaps I should accept myself? However, my insecurities made it really difficult to open the fourth serious relationship. We did, eventually, and I started to grow as a person. Unfortunately, we grew to separate directions with O. Nevertheless, the situation allowed and forced me to really grow and become an adult (from the age of 33 or so).

I will later post about my current situation and the latest issues.
 
My current situation and issues

As I wrote in my first post, my need to write here about my issues was initiated by the new, fast developing relationship between my wife Kay and her new girlfriend Cat. Opening our (me+Kay) relationship in this new way triggered some serious emotional and defence work for me. My basic sense of insecurity brutally surfaced, and I needed to work really hard to deal with my emotions. (Btw, I forgot to mention in my first post that I’m highly sensitive person, so my emotions are always strong, but this particular rollercoaster was out of scale.) Me and Kay talked and talked, and then talked again after I felt guilty about ’complaining’. Talking was still difficult for me, as I feared getting abandonned, but we did it, and it helped a lot. I realized I need to base my sense of security on a wider variety of things/relationships/experiences, not just on this one person, even though she’s my wife. So my process of building my own sense of security is on its way, and I’m hopeful I’ll be fine.

However, more emotional work will be needed. Unconveniently, Kay’s child TeenKid decided to move in with us shortly after Kay and Cat started to build their relationship. The timing is awkward. Kay is extremely stressed, as suddenly three people constantly require her attention. I try to support her the best I can. Meanwhile, I start to realize I now actually live with a teenage person. I have no idea how to take me time without being rude. As I am quite introverted, I would need tons of me time. I was just becoming happy about having more me time due to the new relationship between Kay and Cat. Well, now there is much less me time. Before, when TeenKid was just visiting for a weekend or a vacation, I used to put my own issues aside to give attention to TeenKid. In this new situation, my excuse to sometimes ignore TeenKid has been work, which I have been busy with. Work is not me time, though. Boundary setting is hard for me, and I don’t yet know a nice way to say that sorry, I don’t have the energy to listen to you blabber. Advice would be certainly appreciated in this matter!

My third major issue is my gender. My female body sometimes feels wrong. However, questioning my own gender is frightening. For now, it’s enough to say that this issue would require processing in the future. I mention it here because my signature says ”mostly female”. I try to postpone dealing with it, to give myself time.

I think I stop here and write new posts later on.
 
Sex

I suddenly realized I can write about my need of sex, too, on this forum. Funny, huh? I haven't had that many places I could discuss it besides with Kay.

I have a strong libido. I would love to have sex almost every day, or several times a day during several days per a week. That hasn’t been possible for many years now (if ever) for various reasons, including my now past period of depression. Still, a few years ago I used to think sex ALL the time. Then I decided it was exhausting, frustrating and time-consuming. So I started to focus my thoughts more on other things: work, hobbies, health, relationships. Now I feel my libido is hibernating. On one hand, it is a considerable relief, because the frustration issue was becoming real. On the other hand, I wonder if I have re-adopted or continued a habit of ignoring my bodily needs, as I was taught as a kid. Sex interweaves emotional, bodily, even intellectual needs in a way I still find frustrating. Focusing on work or hobbies doesn’t remove my need of sexual relief. Sometimes I wish it would.

Personally, I think I have a stronger sex drive than Kay. She seems to agree. We do have sex when we have time, and it’s always wonderful, passionate and satisfying. Still, I would enjoy having it more often. Quality is supposed to substitute quantity, but I just fail to see why I wouldn’t want to have that amazing sex more often. Kay says more often would mean lousier sex, so we go like this. I have been ok with two weekends a month. Once a month is already frustrating for me (and with ’once’ I mean 1-5 times during the weekend).

However, now TeenKid has moved in with us, and Kay has a new girlfriend. We (me+Kay) obviously have less alone time. I expect we will have considerably less time for sex. Surely our situation lessens also my sex drive. I don’t have the energy or the mood, when I’m stressed, and believe me, I am stressed, and so is Kay.

Still, I have a faint hope I could have more sex. Surely solo sex is a good option, which I definitely use whenever I can. Along my improving health, my hopes are rising about having sex with other people. I am completely surprised that I would totally prefer Kay for sex, whenever she is available. This is the first time ever I prefer my own partner for sex after 5 years together. I guess our relationship and chemistry works. Like: oh, THIS is what it was supposed to be. Another good thing is I have finally let go my old misconception that a happy and satisfying relationship would magically turn me into a mono.

So, new persons would be an option. Not right now, though. It’s quite enough effort to try and learn how to live with a teen. All my re-gained reserves of energy go to that. In addition, I really need to figure out what kinds of relationships I would be searching for. I think I’ll write about that later. I find it comforting, though, that I might be able to let my hibernating libido to wake up at some point in the future.
 
No time or energy for more ppl

Geez. Ppl I love have problems - I won't specify them here. My role is to offer support and help, if I can.

Worrying and supporting others drain my energy. I wanted to think about what kind of relationships I could possibly initiate and have, but there is not much room even for thinking. Sometimes it's just surviving to the end of the day.

When I'm having rough times, I tend to retreat to myself. Ppl are exhausting, and new ppl are especially exhausting. I'm quite introverted, you know. Sometimes I think being poly gets wasted. Maybe later, who knows.

It's frustrating to be this cryptic. I would want to open up, but I feel I can't. I hope I can continue reflecting poly-possibilities later on.
 
Met the metamour again

Surviving, work, work, work, suviving.

Yesterday, Kay's GF Cat visited us for dinner. She even got to meet TeenKid. It was nice, I think. Just everyday chit-chat, nothing special.

I didn't have any energy to be specially prepared for our guest, as I still think of Cat. We have now met three times, so we are not that close. Energy-wise, I figured if she is going to hang around in my house, I might just as well to live quite normally. However, I used her visit as an excuse or a pressure to get some cleaning done in our house. Everybody wins.

My former fantasies about some kind of poly-lifestyle with all adults more present in each others' lives suffered somewhat from my experience. I'm too introverted for this shit... There were 3 other people in our home (Kay, TeenKid and Cat). And it was a little bit too much for me. Of course Cat and TeenKid were a bit nervous to meet each other for the first time, and it showed in their presence, but still. For me, it was already a crowd. I then went back and forth: A short time to talk with them, then to another room to do something just by myself, then back to them.

My too heavy workload didn't help, and I also prepared the dinner. After spending some extra hours in my study, I was too cranky to ask for help... Which is typical for me, nothing to do with poly issues.

So, a bit of normal life without any major problems or even minor issues. Nice!

I'm really looking forwad to get some rest. I really really hope it's gonna happen during this weekend. I'm exhausted.
 
New person?

Wow. Am I already getting my wish?

For a few months, I’ve been somewhat interested in, or at least curious about a colleague. We’re not working together, but sort of hang around within the same organization. Some time ago she friended me on facebook, which was a pleasant surprise. She seems to be weird enough we could get along nicely, maybe as friends, or even more. However, we haven’t actually talked, and during the recent surviving mode I have not thought about her much.

But. Just now, she asked me to go and have a coffee/bear with her sometimes, because of something I posted on facebook. I was so glad I immediately ran to Kay to tell her about it. As is her habit, Kay encouraged me with her little jokes: ”Why she didn’t ask you for a date right away! Her interest is obvious.” Well, her interest is not obvious to me. But my hopes got up really quickly. Despite my energy deficiency, I’m eager to get to know her and find out if we can develop a friendship or something more. Then I of course got really nervous. What do I say to her? What do I wear? Is it a date, or just colleagues over a beer? What if I need to talk to her? What does she want from me? Am I able to ’deliver’?

Then I realized I would need to figure out quite fast what I want. It seems we will meet within a few days. Shit, I don’t know what I want! I want to know her as a person, so that is probably a good starting point. I imagine I would want to find out if we have any sexual vibes. Sure, why not if that comes naturally (it never does, I’m too nervous with women). Beyond that, I don’t have a clue. I don’t know if I have the energy to start anything more than chat over a beer. I don’t know if it’s ok to try and find out. I don’t want to hurt anybody (including me), but I don’t want to lock myself away from the world, either.

Btw, the goal to rest didn't happen as much as I wished for this weekend. Let's see if the next week is more gentle.
 
Marriage

Me and Kay got married today. So we are not 'registered' any more as during the past 3,5 years, but in a regular marriage. The laws in Finland about marriage and 'gay marriage' or registered partnership changed in the beginning of March.

So congratulations to us! It is awesome to be accepted in the societal level.
 
Was it a date?

I met my colleague over a beer/cider. I was very happy to hang with her. I still don’t know if it was a date or not.

We talked about work, and hobbies we share. However, the very first thing she said to me was: ”So, you got married! That was a surprise!” She had seen me and Kay’s fb-posts about getting married. I was really surprised she didn’t know already, because my ’gay-married’ status was earlier visible in fb.

So suddenly the situation is again all too much about polyamory. I really like this person. I even noticed myself thinking afterwards that I hope she would somehow stay in my life. A strong indication of my improved self-esteem is my feeling that perhaps she likes me, too. Usually I have been blind to other people’s interest in me.

The only immediate problem seems to be that in my opinion, she was a bit scared by me being married. I felt she was planning to hide behind work issues and our work community. Kind of: let’s meet within a group of colleagues. On the other hand, she readily agreed to meet again also just the two of us.

I think this means I should soon come out as a poly to her. I have no idea how to do that casually. I’m afraid it will spook her off, but what can I do? Pretend I only want to be friends? Pretending is probably not a healthy base for a relationship. I just have to find a way to let her know.

Somehow I don’t consider the option to just drop it altogether, to save my energy. If this thing goes sideways, it will be painful. Getting rejected is painful. Finding out the relationship doesn’t work against both parties’ wishes is painful. Still, I want to find out what is possible with this particular person.

At least I finally got my weekend off. Rest is on the schedule.
 
Fatigue

I have been so tired. It seems I'm again on the edge to break myself. It has been my habit to push myself, to give everything I got and more. Now I'm again near the breaking point.

I try to do differently this time. I took half a day off two times this week. I also try NOT to do chores so much. They can't be avoided altogether, but perhaps I don't have to be cleaning all my waking hours...

Relaxing is difficult when stressed. I do my best to maintain my health.

I have been thinking about asking my colleague out for a coffee. It seems my life is - well, not exactly busy, but somehow full of things to do and consider. So the asking for coffee part has been the last on the list... I also procrastinate about it, because I am afraid of refusal. I try to gather my courage and just test what happens if I ask!
 
My hopes are still up

I decided just go for it and ask my colleague for a coffee. I mean, she had already agreed to go with me, so it was not at all rational to be anxious about it. So I did ask her, and she again said yes. We just don't know when exactly.

It's very clear my old fears of getting rejected and abandonned play a big role in these emotional rollercoasters. I keep working on them. I know where they come from, but it seems only new, healthier experiences help to heal them.

It's also very clear my hopes are again high about my colleague. I talked with Kay about the colleague and my hopes. As always, she was very supportive, and I felt very comfortable and safe to talk to her about the issue. It seems I'm already developing a crush toward this colleague. I even thought about a nickname for her to be used on this forum... I won't use it yet, because it would feed my hopes without any justification from the real world. I daydream about her enough as it is.

At the same time, I'm worried. What if it doesn't work out? What if the (here unspecified) issues my colleague has are too much for me? What if my energy level is still too low for any real relationship with other humans? These worries reflect my sense of insecurity and my consequent need to control everything. I'm not sure how to let go of this rather unhealthy bunch of feelings. At least I try not to act on them and keep pretending I feel secure. Perhaps it becomes true if I fake it long enough. Meanwhile, I try to limit my obsession of control into harmless stuff like chores.

I also hope I could be more active on this forum. Now I keep documenting my own life in this blog thread, but I don't have time/energy to participate in any discussions. Perhaps later? Today, I feel quite ill, despite all the relaxing I have performed (yeah, I perform relaxing as well; I know it's not healthy). So it's still just muddling through each issue requiring attention right now.
 
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Feeling safe

To remind myself how I feel safe with Kay:

Last week, Kay went to a party. It was work-related and spouses were not invited. I actually also would have had a work-related party of my own, but I chose to stay at home to rest. Anyway, after the party, Kay was telling about kissing some woman there.

And I am so happy to say that I didn't feel insecure about that. I admit I was annoyed, because I was evious. I wanted to kiss women at parties, too! But I wasn't afraid Kay would find somebody better than me and leave. Yay! Finally actual progress with my sense of security! Kay has helped me a LOT with this, but of course it's also about my own effort and emotional work.

As a bonus, I also realized the reason I'm not usually kissing women at all kind of parties is that I choose to do other things. Such as: not to go to any parties and stay home. Or when in parties, to preferably dance on my own and not with other ppl. Certainly not flirt with anybody. If interaction is required, then some intellectual conversations or humorous chatting. Definitely not flirting and kissing ppl I don't know. So, the point was that perhaps ppl might flirt and kiss me, although I don't know it because I'm afraid of getting rejected and abandonned. And being afraid and introverted, I don't let anybody near me. Something to reflect. Again.

Oh, well.
 
Having a bad day - or is this the new normal now?

I'm cranky. So, I rant about it here.

I wonder if the reality finally kicks in. I mean the part of suddenly living with TeenKid, having no clue how to be a social parent in the least harmful way for the kid, and having virtually no alone time with Kay. It sucks.

Most of the time things just go on with their own pace. I focus on work, hobbies, daydreams, chores, whatever. Then I suddenly realize for example that I'm really horny, but can't get any. And won't probably for a long time. I also miss my wife, but we don't have time to do anything just for us. The best 'alone time' has been going to the grocery store together. I hate shopping, though. The least stressful thing to talk about is her new work. I guess I feel neglected, but I don't want to discuss it in this mood and make her more stressed. I don't have any suggestions how to make things better.

Kay is super busy in her new work. She worries about TeenKid, who has problems. She worries about Cat, who doesn't get any attention and seems to get afraid about them breaking up. So, I try to support Kay the best I can. I start to feel there is no room for my own needs in this family (Kay and TeenKid). I feel like an outsider.

I feel I have suddenly lost control of my own life, and it triggers anxiety and anger. Lack of control means insecurity for me. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have tried to calm myself down by just basically escaping. I take long walks and go to museums. It helps a little bit, but doesn't address the insecurity issue.

I hang on perhaps desparate phrases like "This, too, shall pass." I guess it will. Probably the mood will ease up after a week once my pms hormones will settle. The actual situation might get better after a few months (or years?) when things will sort out for TeenKid. Perhaps Kay will then be less stressed.

Yet, I've done something right during our years together, as Kay felt again safe enough to call me "moron" when I was annoying her this morning. On the other hand, it seems to signal that our relationship is heavily burdened. So I'm afraid things will get worse if we don't figure out some venting options, and possibilities to take care of our marriage.

My previous hope I could develop something with the colleague I went for a coffee with, is on hold. She has her own issues, so I must wait. Ok, I will wait, but then I have to figure out something else to keep my mind occupied. I wonder if I should create a date profile for myself. I just feel too angry for that. I don't have much to offer to anybody right now. Thus, I focus on what kind of sleeping bag I should buy for my next hike. Hiking is a proper escape, so I throw myself into that.

I just now realized my mood could have something to do with a deeply buried belief that in the end, I can't affect things happening in my life. That I'm completely powerless, and therefore, it's not worth the effort to try anything. That it always will be somebody else who decides what will happen to me. This is interesting. It might be something I could work with. Perhaps this ranting wasn't such a waste after all.
 
Bits of happiness in a shit storm

I'm surviving. Things are not fine in this family, but they are quite good in our (me+Kay) relationship. I was complaining about not having alone time with Kay. Well, at least tonight we watched tv together, and TeenKid was in their room. So that was almost like alone time, and we didn't rant about the family problems too much. The family problems are actually a complete shit storm which really deserve to be ranted about, but I won't discuss them here in detail.

Yesterday I was bitter about not having sex with anybody. I blamed Kay as my energies are drained by this family situation. Then I remembered she doesn't owe me anything. Why would she be responsible of my sex life? Surely I can blame myself about choosing this kind of life. Thinking about it this way felt horrible. Then I figured I might be able to do something about it myself, if no one else is to blame! So suddenly there is, if not hope, at least a possibility of hope. Could it be that I might be able to stop worrying? Even though we are in the middle of a shit storm? Probably the worrying part actually drains my energy, and not the part when I try to support my family.

Worth trying!
 
Busy month

I've had too much work again, so there is no time to post here.

Life keeps happening. Me and Kay had some nice alone time during Easter. I mean it was only hours, but still. It helped a lot! On the other hand the shitstorm proceeds. So it's a proper rollercoaster here all the time.

Nothing has happened with the colleague. She recently confirmed she doesn't know when we could go for that coffee. It was a cute gesture, but I guess I could be moving on already. I just don't have any energy right now. Maybe next month.
 
Next month is now

I got a flu, and it really makes me frustrated. I just now got rid of my too heavy workload. So I could do some useful stuff as well, besides the most necessary obligations. But no, I had to become sick and can't leave the house. So I have time to update this blog, although I'm not sure about my capacity to write right now.

TeenKid is not well and I'm worried. But we'll get through it. Of course there are no alternatives to that, so...

Today, Kay is again with her GF Cat. It has become somewhat mundane. I don't have any energy to worry about their relationship. I'm just happy Kay has somebody other than me to support her as well. Our life situation is sometimes overwhelming, and we surely need all support we can get. Getting one's thoughts out of the family situation is valuable.

Kay and me, we almost had a date this month, because TeenKid spent some time elsewhere. Kay got a flu, however, so the date was cancelled. I don't have the energy to even be disappointed any more. This seems to be my life now. Just parenting, and surviving.

Well, a slightly more fun thing is that my colleague again asked me for a beer. That particular beer will happen only after a couple of weeks, so she is definitely not too keen to meet me. I already had started to think that I was so over her already, and should totally move on. Unfortunately, once again, when we had an on-line conversation (about something like what is wrong with the world, nothing romantic or even personal, just intellectual) I started to hope for something. Anything, really, with her. I guess this is my somewhat desparate attempt to keep my sexual and poly feelings alive. Starving, but alive. There is no energy or room for me to make actual moves and include some new person in my life, but I keep hoping I would have that possibility. Sigh.
 
Hope, fatigue, messiness

I have been able to do some useful stuff work-wise, so that is nice.

What is really great is that me and Kay had as many as three (!) dates during one week, which is amazing and completely surprising. That really, really helped to keep our relationship healthy. We also had like a half a date this week. Next opportunity will probably be next month, so I'm really happy about those moments.

TeenKid spent a few weeks elsewhere, which had its good sides of course for me and Kay, but I still worry about TeenKid, who is not well. There is really nothing I can do, so I try to focus on good things and live my own life as much as I can. The situation is frustrating and often overwhelming, though. So I struggle to accept my energies are drained by this situation, and less energy is left for work, which I consider important at least identity-wise for myself, and possibly financially as well.

Kay's gf Cat visited us again for dinner, which was nice. She is quite weird in a good way and I would like to know her better. However, I feel they (Kay and Cat) have so little time together I don't dare to build any real relationship with Cat - feels like it would be an act of going between them and trying to control them. So I have mostly been passive, and so has Cat.

The beer with my colleague has not happened, still. I have started to realize that what the colleague wants from me is really just friendly, collegial relations. Being part of a community, as she put it. So I need to figure out how I can pull that off.
 
The beer happened!

To my surprise, I actually ended up to have a few beers with the colleague of mine. Suddenly six hours had gone... I was so happy to be and talk with her. It's clear I'm not ready to give up my crush on her, and I think she saw my interest. I was then again surprised that she actually knew I'm poly. I thought I hadn't said anything, and should come out of the closet. So I gathered the courage to casually drop that information, but she had already read between the lines. And still, there she was, being her intelligent, attractive self and listening to me blabber. I find it almost ridiculous how excited I was and still am. At least it's amusing. And in some way, it gives me a bit of energy, maybe some space to breathe, despite TeenKid's difficult situation.

In addition, me and Kay, we had still one more surprise opportunity to have a date last weekend. How awesome is that!

I'm again so full of emotions I'm in tears. Happiness and excitement about these wonderful women and being a part of their lives mix with fears of abandonment and worrying about TeenKid. I guess that's what life is, but boy, it's exhausting.
 
Not accoding to my plans, but ok

I noticed I'm actually more fond of my colleague than I realized. Just the other day I was thinking how awesome it is she is able and sometimes also willing to actually listen to me. I cried when I thought about the situation and how I can't develop a deeper relationship with her. You know, because she's not that into me. What can I do? It's somewhat painful to be in a very loose contact with her, but I just can't get rid of her, either. I jump for joy when we talk and I miss her when we don't.

Meanwhile, more comforting developments happened with Kay's gf Cat. Me and Cat, we started to talk. About Kay, and the situation in general. Perhaps we can develop some kind of friendship. I could use a friend for sure.

The family situation is awful, overwhelming, beyond our abilities. Professional help is needed and has been called for. I really really hope things sort out, quickly. It's basically a disaster. TeenKid is really unwell, and Kay is way too stressed. Now me and Cat, we can be worried together about them. Sigh.
 
What's going on?

All kind of stuff is happening at the same time.

It seems we might be getting more help for TeenKid. That would be really needed. I'm now wondering if I dare to become hopeful. On the other hand, I desparately need some hope. My energies are also decreasing fast, and so are everybody else's.

Under the pressure of our familiy situation, also positive developments have happened during a few past days. Me and Cat (Kay's gf), we talk a LOT. I mean we chat _all_ the time and try to figure out together what is going on here and how we could support Kay and each other. I think it's really awesome and I truly appreciate her effort here. On the back of my head I have a small fear that if Kay decided to end their relationship for some reason (mostly because her energy level is so low), I would lose this person, too. I try to be her friend anyway, because I really need friendship.

I just now talked to a couple of friends who I hadn't seen for a while. I noticed I had again withdrawn from social contacts, and I really badly need those. I need support, too.

About the colleague I have this crush on: I'm just falling even deeper for her. I can't let go, not at all. I often speculate about her feelings and it seems she's not that into me, at least not much as I am for her. But still, I continue to interpret her talk as not-saying-no-either. I even ended up with asking her to join us (me, Kay, Cat) in a party. She promised to think about it, but didn't want to commit. I'm ridiculously happy she didn't say no. Then she informed me she had received confirmation that she will be abroad for a year. I was devastated, but I also tried to be happy for her. I can wait, right? Waiting doesn't make any kind of sense, but here I am thinking about waiting for this woman. Because she chatted with me. I think my moves are not very smart, but at least this thing gives me something else to think about than our family crisis. So I have very mixed feelings about this whole thing.
 
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