Why Do I Find it so Hard to Sleep When my Partner is Out?

sleepless

New member
Hi there! This is my first post here, so hoping to find some advice since I don't have many poly friends to talk to about it. Sorry in advance for the length, but the details felt necessary.

First, a bit of background about my relationship...

My partner and I have been together for almost a year and a half (we both identify as gay). We have been open with our relationship from day one. He has a lot more experience with being poly than I do, and was actually dating two other people for the first six months of our relationship. Both of those relationships have since ended. We also now live together and share a bedroom. I work from home M-F and my partner works from home freely (meaning he doesn't have to start at any specific hour). We are definitely in love and living together has been easy and rewarding.

Ok, so this is what I need advice with...

My partner recently started to express interest in another guy (let's call him John). John is the first person he has expressed interest in since he ended his two other relationships about a year ago. For almost a year, our relationship felt mostly monogamous, with the exception of both of us having a few one-off sexual relationships on the side.

My partner met John on a day trip with his best friend. I then met John about a week later when we were out at a bar. John and a group of friends came over to our house afterward for a little after party. My first impression of John was that he was cute and a friendly guy, but his personality traits didn't leave a positive impression on me. Especially his aggressive excitement about wanting to snort adderall to keep the night going.

About a month and a half ago, on a Sunday night, my partner was out drinking with his best friend and didn't return home until 9am. I had to work the next day and chose to stay home. I had a hard time sleeping that night because I couldn't be out with him and because he never expressed that he was going to stay out all night. The combination of this made me feel very lonely and very envious.

After work the next day, my partner revealed that he had had a sexual encounter with John that night. I immediately felt tense in my chest and got emotional very quick. I felt blindsided, but my partner was too tired to talk about it that night (because he had stayed awake most of the night before). Over the next few days, we had a lot of discussions about what had happened and my strong negative emotions (what a rough few days that was). In the end, I came to the conclusion that part of the reason I felt bad was because he didn't give me a heads up that he would be out all night, and because I had not had a good first impression of John. I also tend to find myself in a negative thought pattern, so it was hard for me to not think about it for days.

Because of my insecurities with the fact that he stayed out all night, we agreed that, for a few months, he wouldn't stay out all night on nights that I had to work the next day, with the caveat that the agreement would be lifted once I was able to figure out my emotion issues. (Still working on it, which is why I'm here.)

Over the past month, we have had a few interactions together with John, all of which have been at bars or while under the influence of alcohol. My partner has seen him a few more times that I have, however, nothing sexual has happened between them since.

Then, about two weeks ago, I was out of town on a trip and my partner went out drinking with his best friend again. I had a hard time sleeping that night again, so I meditated, read my positive affirmations, and was able to happily lull myself to sleep without any fear.

The next day, my partner informed me in a video chat that after they left the bars, they came back to our place and his best friend had fallen asleep on one of our two couches. John had also been out and come back with them, so they cuddled together on the other couch. Nothing sexual happened, including kissing, just cuddling (we have a rule that our bed is just for us, so his best friend was kind of a cock block). John woke up the next morning and left without much conversation. When he told me this story, I expressed to him that I was glad he got to spend time with John, but I was also glad that they didn't sleep together.

My partner, feeling unsure of John's feelings towards him, sparked up a text conversation with John. He shared the conversation with me in a later discussion. In the text conversations, my partner expressed his interest in John, asking him, "I think I have a crush on you. Is that OK? Should I do that?" To which John responded with something along the lines of, "No, I have a way of ditching out on people who like me. Plus, aren't you in a relationship?" This was apparently the first time that John asked my partner about our relationship, and it was also the first time my partner had expressed that he was in an open relationship.

(Side note: My partner feels that if someone is interested in him, they should be inquisitive enough to ask about his relationship status and that they shouldn't default to thinking that our relationship is monogamous. He also doesn't like to tell guys he dates that he is in a relationship until he thinks he feels like things are getting serious enough to pursue something more with that person, which is actually how our relationship started.)

Shortly after their sleepover, and with my partner's permission, I texted John to reassure him that he had my permission.

Also since their sleepover, I have encouraged my partner to try to get to know John better to see if he actually likes him, possibly outside of a bar where alcohol would be involved, and without his best friend being there. Then, just yesterday, he informed me that he had reached out to John to go on a hike, but they settled on going out to a bar show tomorrow night (a Wednesday night - I work the next day).

We have already discussed it because he is aware of my sleeplessness issues related to him being out late with John, but I'm still freaking out a bit. I get it - my partner has a crush on this guy and wants to hang out with him, but why does it have to be late at night on a night I work the next day?

Does anybody have thoughts on why my feelings are so strong about him hanging out with John? I'm so confused by this... I mean, since meeting John, my partner has expressed interest in other people, and my feelings of jealousy are nowhere near as high as they are when we discuss his relationship with John. Is it because they had a hookup before John knew we were open? Does that say something about John? I can't pinpoint exactly why John triggers me so much, and it's killing me... especially because my partner likes to take things slow with relationships. John isn't being direct about his feelings toward my partner, so it's almost like my partner is just holding out hope. And John keeps showing just enough interest to keep my partner coming back for more.

If my partner really wants to get to know John, am I justified for feeling that their next few interactions shouldn't take place in a bar with alcohol involved? What responsibility does John have in all of this? Since my partner doesn't know John that well, I feel like I can't reach out to John to get to know him (like I did with my partner's previous relationships when I joined the mix).

Also, am I justified for feeling that, like me, my partner should be up-front about being in a poly/open relationship? I want my partner to have permission to create amazing, healthy relationships with other guys, but something about him not telling other guys up front really irritates me. Especially in the instance of John, who acted really weird when he first saw me after their sexual experience (John still didn't know about that our relationship was open at that time, so he probably thought my partner had cheated on me with him).

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

(Wow, that was long!)
 
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Hi sleepless,

It sounds like your instincts are warning you against John. It's possible they'll prove to be mistaken, but for now I would take them seriously and keep a close eye on what happens between your partner and John. I also think you should tell your partner that you have misgivings about John, even if you can't place your finger on it. Ask your partner to be extra careful where John is concerned.

It would be nice if your partner would be upfront from the start of each relationship about his open status. But I am assuming you have already talked to him about this concern, and he has already turned your request down. You can't force him to do as you'd like, all you can do is ask and then decide whether you want to continue your relationship with him based on his subsequent actions. Maybe you don't like that he isn't upfront about his poly status, but maybe you are willing to live with it in order to stay in a relationship with him.

I suspect that your sleeping difficulty is due to your instincts warning you against John. This is just a guess on my part, based on your post, but your sleeplessness is one of the reasons I think your instincts might be trying to warn you.

These are just some of my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, there!

I'm newish around here, been poking around for a couple of months but hardly ever post.

My advice is to have a discussion with your boyfriend and let him know you thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you have a strong enough relationship that vulnerabilities and insecurities can be discussed adequately and with respect.

Also, based on what you've said, I assume your boyfriend is similar to me in that he's slightly more trusting than you. I have that issue with my fiancé and I've learned that, usually, his gut instinct are correct. Trust your gut. If something seems off, it very well might be that something is indeed off.

Discuss this with your boyfriend. That's the first step to a resolution.

Good luck! :)
 
I talked with my partner today, after work. Last night, after I wrote this, I actually shared a link to this post with him so he could read it and understand my thoughts on the situation. He read it this morning and we scheduled a time to talk about it after we both finished work.

We had an emotional, but overall positive discussion about my thoughts from this post, and he agreed that he has had an infatuation with John that he doesn't settled about because John isn't giving him any clear indication as to whether or not he is interest in perusing something more with him. We also discussed how important it was in his next interaction with John to clear this up, especially because the guessing game has been pulling on his heart strings and causing unnecessary drama in our relationship.

My partner actually left about 20 minutes ago to go to the the bar to meet John. He promised to be back within two hours. He definitely seemed excited and nervous to express his feelings and find out how John feels.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling a lot better than I expected to, and I think it's because I know where we both stand in regards to his relationship with John. If John is open to dating my partner, I will be happy because I will finally know his intentions. If he isn't open to dating, I will be sad for my partner (being shot down never feels good), but I will also happy for the same reason: I finally know his intentions.

Either way, I am just happy for my partner to finally have the opportunity to clear the air. And I will be happily awaiting his return to support either decision.
 
That's super awesome! It's always better to discuss and have everything on the table! :)

Hope it all goes well!
 
I hope things went reasonably well with the talk between John and your partner. And, I'm glad you and your partner had a heart-to-heart and cleared the air.
 
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