When I spontaneously ask him if he wants to get together, he doesn't even think of it as a question -- he will stop whatever he is doing and come see me. As long as it doesn't jeopardize his employment or his friendships or something, he will always be eager for time with me. And at times like yesterday, when we miscommunicate and he thinks we're getting together and I think we aren't, it's like a soul-crushing disappointment.
When I asked if there was something I should do differently (should I not make spontaneous suggestions? Should we find another way of scheduling time together so that we aren't miscommunicating about our schedules?) he said that he didn't think I needed to do anything different, that he needs to control his reactions better. That these feelings are internal to him, but that he finds it unsettling how out of control his feelings are for me. I asked if he felt like I was IN control and he said that he didn't feel like it had anything to do with what I was doing or not doing, that I wasn't doing anything wrong, but that his feelings for me were just really strong.
Hi MsEmotional - I'm not really sure if my experience will be helpful for your situation, but this type of reaction from Ponytail particularly resonated with me, since I've been in Ponytail's place before. Plenty of times, and quite often. It's been an issue for me in past relationships, and was an issue with my current partner (I’ll call him Neutron) for a long time. I would frequently ask him to spend time with me spontaneously, he felt pressured to say yes even when he wanted to say no, and if he did say no then I would feel that soul-crushing disappointment you mentioned and he would feel guilt. And it wasn't until I read your post today that I realized a lot of those feelings had gone away for the most part.
There are a couple things we changed in our dynamic that directly and indirectly addressed my intense feelings of disappointment.
1. Neutron learning to say no when he wanted to say no. Which went hand in hand with me learning to accept Neutron's no, and making it safe and okay for him to say no.
2. Me being clear about my desires for our time together. These included being explicit about when I want to have cuddle time, when I want to have sexy time, when I want to go out together, how much time I wanted to spend together, etc.
3. Both of us relying more on scheduled time together and less on spontaneous time together. This became especially important when Neutron started dating my meta.
As with any miscommunication, I think one of the better ways to move forward is by having more explicit conversations about expectations and meanings:
1. Either setting clear boundaries regarding spending time together,and being able to respect each other’s boundaries.
2. Or being more explicit in your expectations about time spent together. “I’d like to come by for 20 minutes after work tomorrow!” (clear) vs “I’ll see you after work tomorrow!” (ambiguous). Or even something like “I only have two hours free this weekend, but I’d really like to have some sexy time with you.”(clear) vs “I’m pretty busy but maybe we can get together this weekend.” (ambiguous)
#2 was really important for me in dealing with my disappointment, because then I knew what we both wanted out of the time spent together. I could then emotionally prepare myself for the length of time and the type of activity. It made me feel more secure about being able to spend quality time with him, vs worrying about what that time would look like.
It didn't take away the desire to spend more time with Neutron, but it did take away the unspoken expectations that I had placed on the time we did spend together.
(I realize this is your blog page, and not an advice-seeking section, so if I’m out of line, I do apologize, and feel free to disregard.)