I'm not finding long-term partners, he is.

A few clarification

Wow! Thank you. Lots of good advice!
A few clarifications: he isn't my husband, just a live-in-partner.

Also, When I said 3-4 new partners sometimes, I should have emphasized the sometimes. At any given time he has about 3 partners and me, but they usually stay fairly consistent for at least a few months, or longer. I live in a transient town where people leave and come back A LOT so there is always a period of dating (via tinder, ok cupid, our normal social circles) when 1 or a few partners fade out or leave. Once or twice a year those people tend to come back and he usually tries to see them again. So he doesn't have 12 people who he sees weekly..just 12 or so people that IF they are in town he sees and who he still texts and puts occasional energy into. For me 3 is still a lot considering are agreement is only 2 date nights a week, but as long as it works for him and his partners to only see each other biweekly or less...I guess it's fine since they are all OK with it. They are caring relationships, but not as intense and time consuming as his and mine. So in any given week, he is only out on dates 2 nights max. For a while I would make dates for these nights too, just to avoid being alone, or go out with friends or to dance classes, but due to the nature of our town I was getting bailed on more often then not--leaving me alone and feeling double ditched. It's a flaky culture here. Same flaky culture means even my friend network is thin-to-non-existent despite my best efforts for the past 3 years.

On my side of things, since nobody seems to be sticking longer than a few dates, all my partners are continuously new people. 'Love' is really rare and special and when it happens I am open to it, but I am not naive in thinking every partner will turn into that. But there is an in-between, where you care about your lovers and value and respect their time, but don't need to get super serious. That is my ideal. My lovers, granted, are sexual for me more than emotional --but that doesn't mean I want NO emotional connection--that's not fun at all. Everyone I sleep with I try to put care and love into. Another big piece, that I'm sure many can identify with, is the culture that in casual hook-ups people don't care that the other person cums. If all these people cared that I came and then ghosted me I would probably still leave the situation feeling a newt positive, but that is very very rarely the case. Even when I make it insanely easy and explicitly known that my cumming is part of the deal (of course not every time...but its certainly a nice thing), men still don't seem to give a crap.

I agree, I can't change the culture, so in some ways bitching about it doesn't help...seems to be a lot of women are frustrated with this dynamic. I think I just have always thought differently than main stream culture on this...If I like someone enough to sleep with them, and then sleeping with them is good, why wouldn't we keep hanging out and becoming emotionally more intimate? In most of these instances the men enjoyed my company and the sex (as far as a know and they have told/shown me..unless they are really good liars). So, there seems to be some other emotional block that men put up because I 'am already owned by another guy' and they don't think they can cope with the jealousy if they actually liked me (perhaps?). Keep in mind these are all men who have stated they want MORE than just a hook-up (and yes I know guys will 'say anything', but I don't really put pressure on them to lie since sometimes I do just want a hook up and nothing more, but I want to know that going in so that I don't get my hopes up).

Most helpful, I think, is the phrase "I'm attracted to you but I'm not sure you will meet my emotional desires" (I tend to avoid the word needs except for the basics of what I really need to survive and use desire more for this instance, where I want to thrive). There is a large discrepancy in my beliefs about sexuality and what I want emotionally and what most of other people seem capable of/are trained to expect and act upon. So, maybe deciding to take things really really slow for a bit will be a good experiment--or at least dividing my hookups from my possible partners. I do want more than just 'open-relationship', I just can't change other peoples minds to see that love and all the ensuing relationship steps are still possible EVEN THOUGH I have a primary. We don't believe in veto or strong hierarchy so if someone would just give me the time and chance, they might see just great it can be.
 
I continue to get the impression that I'm seeing a lot of "starvation economy" thinking, "grab all the sex you can NOW because a shortage might occur."

That conflicts directly with seeking/creating relationships that have a chance to persist.

If you go looking for sexual hookups, you are probably going to find people who are interested in sexual hookups. If you want something other than that, then maybe you ought to be doing something other than that.

If you aren't interested in changing, then you aren't really interested in change. Nothing wrong with that, but you'll benefit from being upfront honest.

FWIW, nothing you've said tells me your s/o has "long-term relationships." Recurrent fucking doesn't (to me) necessarily mean there's "a relationship" there in any emotional or intellectual or commitment sense.
 
awkwardfox, I think I understand a little about what you're talking about. Certainly, like you, my partner has more success with the kind of connection to other people that I/we are looking for (ie. something more than just physical). It can be frustrating enough to feel like you're not connecting with people on the level you want to when you're totally single - but to see your paramour(s) being successful is almost like a slap in the face, on top of that.

Both our respective partners sound like they're very supportive of these issues(s), which makes it simultaneously easier and more difficult. I also haven't even considered asking her to slow down, as it were - I'm very happy for her success and glad she's having fun. I just wish I were, too!

I don't really have much advice to give on this, unfortunately. I just wanted to let you know you're not totally alone in this. Solidarity and all, ya' know!

Cheers,
-Kyle
 
You are blaming this on men, but I see it as a difference between mono and poly culture. To a mono-minded person we can be seen as a temporary amusement while they wait for The One to come along. Some of them just don't get that it's possible for a person to have a serious relationship with more than one person.

I was dating a woman who was mono-minded. We got along great. The sex was great. Everything was great except for one thing. She couldn't get past the fact I was poly. Because of that she didn't really take the relationship seriously.

My wife dated a guy for awhile. She really liked him. They saw each other regularly. He never tried to cowboy her. Then one day he just ghosted. She ran into him later. He had gotten back with his ex gf.

Neither one of those people thought a poly person had long term value, no matter how well they got along.
 
Wow! Thank you. Lots of good advice!
A few clarifications: When I said 3-4 new partners sometimes, I should have emphasized the sometimes. At any given time he has about 3 partners and me, but they usually stay fairly consistent for at least a few months, or longer. I live in a transient town where people leave and come back A LOT so there is always a period of dating (via tinder, ok cupid, our normal social circles) when 1 or a few partners fade out or leave. Once or twice a year those people tend to come back and he usually tries to see them again. So he doesn't have 12 people who he sees weekly..just 12 or so people that IF they are in town he sees and who he still texts and puts occasional energy into. For me 3 is still a lot considering are agreement is only 2 date nights a week, but as long as it works for him and his partners to only see each other biweekly or less...I guess it's fine since they are all OK with it. They are caring relationships, but not as intense and time consuming as his and mine.

Ah ok. That makes a lot more sense.

Same flaky culture means even my friend network is thin-to-non-existent despite my best efforts for the past 3 years.

So you're starved for easy companionship beyond your partner with the ghosting issues as well.

On my side of things, since nobody seems to be sticking longer than a few dates, all my partners are continuously new people. 'Love' is really rare and special and when it happens I am open to it, but I am not naive in thinking every partner will turn into that.

Maybe it is worth experimenting with expecting that to see if it suits you better. This post comes across as you needing someone who really understands you and engages with you - the person. Lack of accessible local friends, inconsiderate lovers, and even those ghosting... This seems to be a core emotional need. [I do use need where it seems appropriate. You appear to desperately need some connect for your emotional well being - not optional. You sound lonely.]

My lovers, granted, are sexual for me more than emotional --but that doesn't mean I want NO emotional connection--that's not fun at all.

I don't think anyone missed this. Your relationships did clearly come across as sexual and your emotional needs - much wanted - being the collateral damage. You definitely WANT the emotional connect and are frustrated that it isn't being reciprocated. Which brings us to...

Everyone I sleep with I try to put care and love into. Another big piece, that I'm sure many can identify with, is the culture that in casual hook-ups people don't care that the other person cums. If all these people cared that I came and then ghosted me I would probably still leave the situation feeling a newt positive, but that is very very rarely the case. Even when I make it insanely easy and explicitly known that my cumming is part of the deal (of course not every time...but its certainly a nice thing), men still don't seem to give a crap.

This is reading like you get into hook ups, invest your emotions into a hook up and are hurt when your partners don't transition from hook ups to more. Though frankly, an inconsiderate lover is a waste of interest on a sexual level as well. Another good reason to evaluate a person before engaging in sex. Selfish behavior is a behavioral trait, not a sexual trait. So is considerate behavior that is paying attention to your desires and comfort. It will manifest in other areas as well, if you give yourself a chance to observe before investing too much into a lazy opportunist.

But beyond that, things we seek in a hook up and an enduring relationship are vastly different (other than good sex). More importantly, the people who engage in both can be completely different. One is a tendency to desire novelty, another is a desire to build intimacy. Sure, there will be people who desire both, but they are rare. Generally you have people gravitate to one or the other. So, if you're busy attracting hook ups, you're actually sending a very different message to the kind of men you are actually seeking.

Think of it like this. Your committed partner would prefer you to have stable partners for reasons of adjustment, health, etc. He knows you. Loves you. Still, your pattern is not desirable. Why would someone interested in a committed partner seek someone who is taking sex casually, when they don't know you enough to want you anyway? Would you seek a committed partner who was into casual sex with you-have-no-idea-who?

This isn't a culture issue so much as it is one of seeking something different from what you want. Men saying they want more really doesn't mean a lot when you don't even know each other well enough to know how both of you visualize that more. Hardly like a horny person not looking for more than casual sex is expecting any high stakes. It is hardly the same thing as you both being on the same page in the manner you actually build a relationship. But I guess this is said often enough on this thread by now.

(I tend to avoid the word needs except for the basics of what I really need to survive and use desire more for this instance, where I want to thrive)

I really, really URGE you to recognize that emotional connect appears to be a NEED for you to experience well-being in a sexual relationship. You have consistently expressed dissatisfaction with the transient nature of your sexual encounters - in fact this whole thread is about that. You need to feel valued, you need words said to you to be honored, you need your orgasms to matter to your partner, you need them to want you more, you invest yourself and caring into them from the start. Please recognize that you NEED that emotional connect to happen or the sexual relationship feels like "side sex" - your partners don't value you. They agree, then ghost. They don't keep their word to you. This isn't casual, recreational sex on your part, where you both fuck and who cares what else is there or not, though you're seeking something deeper in a shallow pond. Ignoring that is what is creating most of your problems.
 
...the culture that in casual hook-ups people don't care that the other person cums. If all these people cared that I came and then ghosted me I would probably still leave the situation feeling a newt positive, but that is very very rarely the case. Even when I make it insanely easy and explicitly known that my cumming is part of the deal (of course not every time...but its certainly a nice thing), men still don't seem to give a crap. ....

If I notice anything about "the culture" of casual sex, it's that men are obsessed these days with making a woman cum. So much so that many take it as an offense and total loss if she doesn't. It can be a lot of pressure and really take away from the basic joy that sex can be. This latest fashion in our sexual culture is just one reason I gave up casual sex - the men I encountered were far too focused on "giving" a woman an orgasm and they miss the opportunity of more Tantric or kink-esque explorations and delights.

I again urge you examine your own assumptions and the attitudes that you're bringing into all of this. Sure, we all operate within our various milieux, but you're missing an awful lot of influence you can have over your own life when you keep blaming "the culture" for your displeasures.
 
For what it's worth

For what it's worth, this is exactly the same experience that my partner & I experienced. We came to the conclusion that there were two components: one was cultural and the other personal.

1) My (male) experience dating versus hers. I received very few messages but when a woman did contact me, she was (usually) interested in a long term relationship. Sometimes we had sex very quickly, other times not. Generally I would say yes, the longer we talked and got to know each other before we had sex, the higher the probability of a longer term relationship. But that's not a hard and fast rule.

Her experience was that she was overwhelmed with many willing partners (x10 to 100 my volume) who were happy to say whatever was needed to get laid. It was a struggle to find the wheat from the chaff. This led to many short term relationships followed by ghosting. My contention (completely unsupported based purely on my own opinion) is that there were only a small number of serious guys in her list but it was flooded by the chaff of men looking to get laid. Purely my own opinion here.

So lots of men claim to be poly get laid, virtually zero women claim to be poly just to get laid.

2) On the personal side, I believe that I benefited from the women wanting to take it slow. We got to know each other and, mostly, the sex only improved with time. But there wasn't any hard and fast rule. Sometimes it just didn't work out.

My advice to her was to slow down and talk more before having sex. I don't believe that that's using sex as a bargaining tool (guys who are pursuing only sex might perceive it that way). But my partner disagreed with me on that point.

3) We had some of the exact same conversations that you described. She was envious of my LTRs, I was envious of her short term sexual relationships.

All I can recommend here is: stop comparing. If you want long term relationships, I can understand that it's frustrating that your partner has that. But your frustration stems from your exposure and knowledge of his goings on as compared to, say, me. My ability to have LTRs has zero impact on you. Likewise, your partner's ability to have LTRs has zero impact on your ability to have LTRs. It's only frustrating because you know about them.
 
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