awkwardfox
New member
A few clarification
Wow! Thank you. Lots of good advice!
A few clarifications: he isn't my husband, just a live-in-partner.
Also, When I said 3-4 new partners sometimes, I should have emphasized the sometimes. At any given time he has about 3 partners and me, but they usually stay fairly consistent for at least a few months, or longer. I live in a transient town where people leave and come back A LOT so there is always a period of dating (via tinder, ok cupid, our normal social circles) when 1 or a few partners fade out or leave. Once or twice a year those people tend to come back and he usually tries to see them again. So he doesn't have 12 people who he sees weekly..just 12 or so people that IF they are in town he sees and who he still texts and puts occasional energy into. For me 3 is still a lot considering are agreement is only 2 date nights a week, but as long as it works for him and his partners to only see each other biweekly or less...I guess it's fine since they are all OK with it. They are caring relationships, but not as intense and time consuming as his and mine. So in any given week, he is only out on dates 2 nights max. For a while I would make dates for these nights too, just to avoid being alone, or go out with friends or to dance classes, but due to the nature of our town I was getting bailed on more often then not--leaving me alone and feeling double ditched. It's a flaky culture here. Same flaky culture means even my friend network is thin-to-non-existent despite my best efforts for the past 3 years.
On my side of things, since nobody seems to be sticking longer than a few dates, all my partners are continuously new people. 'Love' is really rare and special and when it happens I am open to it, but I am not naive in thinking every partner will turn into that. But there is an in-between, where you care about your lovers and value and respect their time, but don't need to get super serious. That is my ideal. My lovers, granted, are sexual for me more than emotional --but that doesn't mean I want NO emotional connection--that's not fun at all. Everyone I sleep with I try to put care and love into. Another big piece, that I'm sure many can identify with, is the culture that in casual hook-ups people don't care that the other person cums. If all these people cared that I came and then ghosted me I would probably still leave the situation feeling a newt positive, but that is very very rarely the case. Even when I make it insanely easy and explicitly known that my cumming is part of the deal (of course not every time...but its certainly a nice thing), men still don't seem to give a crap.
I agree, I can't change the culture, so in some ways bitching about it doesn't help...seems to be a lot of women are frustrated with this dynamic. I think I just have always thought differently than main stream culture on this...If I like someone enough to sleep with them, and then sleeping with them is good, why wouldn't we keep hanging out and becoming emotionally more intimate? In most of these instances the men enjoyed my company and the sex (as far as a know and they have told/shown me..unless they are really good liars). So, there seems to be some other emotional block that men put up because I 'am already owned by another guy' and they don't think they can cope with the jealousy if they actually liked me (perhaps?). Keep in mind these are all men who have stated they want MORE than just a hook-up (and yes I know guys will 'say anything', but I don't really put pressure on them to lie since sometimes I do just want a hook up and nothing more, but I want to know that going in so that I don't get my hopes up).
Most helpful, I think, is the phrase "I'm attracted to you but I'm not sure you will meet my emotional desires" (I tend to avoid the word needs except for the basics of what I really need to survive and use desire more for this instance, where I want to thrive). There is a large discrepancy in my beliefs about sexuality and what I want emotionally and what most of other people seem capable of/are trained to expect and act upon. So, maybe deciding to take things really really slow for a bit will be a good experiment--or at least dividing my hookups from my possible partners. I do want more than just 'open-relationship', I just can't change other peoples minds to see that love and all the ensuing relationship steps are still possible EVEN THOUGH I have a primary. We don't believe in veto or strong hierarchy so if someone would just give me the time and chance, they might see just great it can be.
Wow! Thank you. Lots of good advice!
A few clarifications: he isn't my husband, just a live-in-partner.
Also, When I said 3-4 new partners sometimes, I should have emphasized the sometimes. At any given time he has about 3 partners and me, but they usually stay fairly consistent for at least a few months, or longer. I live in a transient town where people leave and come back A LOT so there is always a period of dating (via tinder, ok cupid, our normal social circles) when 1 or a few partners fade out or leave. Once or twice a year those people tend to come back and he usually tries to see them again. So he doesn't have 12 people who he sees weekly..just 12 or so people that IF they are in town he sees and who he still texts and puts occasional energy into. For me 3 is still a lot considering are agreement is only 2 date nights a week, but as long as it works for him and his partners to only see each other biweekly or less...I guess it's fine since they are all OK with it. They are caring relationships, but not as intense and time consuming as his and mine. So in any given week, he is only out on dates 2 nights max. For a while I would make dates for these nights too, just to avoid being alone, or go out with friends or to dance classes, but due to the nature of our town I was getting bailed on more often then not--leaving me alone and feeling double ditched. It's a flaky culture here. Same flaky culture means even my friend network is thin-to-non-existent despite my best efforts for the past 3 years.
On my side of things, since nobody seems to be sticking longer than a few dates, all my partners are continuously new people. 'Love' is really rare and special and when it happens I am open to it, but I am not naive in thinking every partner will turn into that. But there is an in-between, where you care about your lovers and value and respect their time, but don't need to get super serious. That is my ideal. My lovers, granted, are sexual for me more than emotional --but that doesn't mean I want NO emotional connection--that's not fun at all. Everyone I sleep with I try to put care and love into. Another big piece, that I'm sure many can identify with, is the culture that in casual hook-ups people don't care that the other person cums. If all these people cared that I came and then ghosted me I would probably still leave the situation feeling a newt positive, but that is very very rarely the case. Even when I make it insanely easy and explicitly known that my cumming is part of the deal (of course not every time...but its certainly a nice thing), men still don't seem to give a crap.
I agree, I can't change the culture, so in some ways bitching about it doesn't help...seems to be a lot of women are frustrated with this dynamic. I think I just have always thought differently than main stream culture on this...If I like someone enough to sleep with them, and then sleeping with them is good, why wouldn't we keep hanging out and becoming emotionally more intimate? In most of these instances the men enjoyed my company and the sex (as far as a know and they have told/shown me..unless they are really good liars). So, there seems to be some other emotional block that men put up because I 'am already owned by another guy' and they don't think they can cope with the jealousy if they actually liked me (perhaps?). Keep in mind these are all men who have stated they want MORE than just a hook-up (and yes I know guys will 'say anything', but I don't really put pressure on them to lie since sometimes I do just want a hook up and nothing more, but I want to know that going in so that I don't get my hopes up).
Most helpful, I think, is the phrase "I'm attracted to you but I'm not sure you will meet my emotional desires" (I tend to avoid the word needs except for the basics of what I really need to survive and use desire more for this instance, where I want to thrive). There is a large discrepancy in my beliefs about sexuality and what I want emotionally and what most of other people seem capable of/are trained to expect and act upon. So, maybe deciding to take things really really slow for a bit will be a good experiment--or at least dividing my hookups from my possible partners. I do want more than just 'open-relationship', I just can't change other peoples minds to see that love and all the ensuing relationship steps are still possible EVEN THOUGH I have a primary. We don't believe in veto or strong hierarchy so if someone would just give me the time and chance, they might see just great it can be.