Smitten015
New member
Hello all,
This is going to be long but context is of the utmost importance. I will do my absolute best to present the facts as they are.
I met my girlfriend 4 years ago and she immediately presented polyamory to me. Fundamentally something I've always believed in but didn't know what to call it. In 4 years we've gone through some transitions. At times she closed the relationship and more recently (January, I did.). During our 4 years, we've only ever played together with others, which we quite enjoyed. About 3.5 months ago my girlfriend met a man at work whom she very quickly fell in love with. Now, because we are "closed" at the moment she wasn't and still isn't pushing any physical actuation on me. Some complications arose from him being married - it is only a highly emotional relationship at the moment. He has 4 kids, not with his current wife. Coinciding with the beginning of their "relationship", I had started a new medication to alleviate nerve damage I had suffered from my football years. The medication caused me to have severe psychotropic side effects that culminated in me considering suicide Aug 20. The meds also seriously affected my ability to process emotionally. Admittedly I was awful. Nothing physical on my end but there were many instances where arguments degenerated into massive counterproductive blowouts. I and the meds put her through hell. She's concerned the tumult caused her to be pushed closer to this new man. I believe she is right, their relationship has never been able to flourish organically... it might not be what it is... anyway, back to him being married; his wife is now kicking him and his kids out. During the 3 months, they have had "awkward high school" sexual interactions - as my girlfriend put it. They have had some random groping, kissed 3 times... sort of. Etc. My emotuonality has be back and forth so I sometimes gave the go ahead amd then didn't (thanks meds) so their marriage is finished, he assures us that my girlfriend had nothing to do with it. Since I stopped taking the meds 3 weeks ago my ability to process and think have improved dramatically... however, I am still having a heck of a time with aspects of this "friendship". He's concealed the emotionality of their relationship from his wife at all times but given where their marriage is going, that point is moot. I insisted on meeting him about 10 days ago and we did. It went well, we got on. Exchanged phone numbers and started chatting a little; I learned he was into guitars so I offered to bestow some of my knowledge to him, gave him resources etc. We met a second time and had about 15 minutes alone together, we discussed polyamory and our mutual love and friendship with my girlfriend. He stated that he can't do what we do but he loves her. I respected his feelings and candidness, the boundaries between the 3 of us had been set. So I thought. Last Thursday he essentially "broke up" with my girlfriend. Meaning he couldn't deal with me being in the picture, said it was weird and he didnt want to share. He said he'd want so much more. She came home that evening and we cried together, I felt what she did, I held her and poured her some scotch ordered pizza and watched silly movies. The next day, we had planned to spend together... she wanted to meet him for an hour to discuss the previous evening. I was reluctant, given the plan but after she had gotten upset, I acquiesced. They met and ended up kissing and groping one another... which was revealed amidst a breakdown I had the following day when for hours we cried together and I stated that I couldn't handle how this was ripping her and myself apart emotionally. I stated I would leave to keep her as intact as I can. She said she couldn't picture life without me, she would never leave me for him. I don't want to leave... she is the love of my life... she feels the same but I can't keep struggling with this like I have and preserve who she is and who I am. I need help. It was very emotional. We came to an agreement on how to proceed and that they would solidify their boundaries. I keep putting on myself that they are going to have a sexual relationship... one way or another and I have to be ok with it now.... i know that's ridiculous. I'm such a mess. I'm concerned the hold over negativity while on the meds and all the back and forth has sullied the whole situation for me and I'll never get over it while simultaneously believing in this lifestyle. I don't think he's a good fit but that doesn't matter... ugh... there's so many more nuances but let's start there. I hope somone has some ideas for me because I'm stuck in an awful cycle right now.
This is going to be long but context is of the utmost importance. I will do my absolute best to present the facts as they are.
I met my girlfriend 4 years ago and she immediately presented polyamory to me. Fundamentally something I've always believed in but didn't know what to call it. In 4 years we've gone through some transitions. At times she closed the relationship and more recently (January, I did.). During our 4 years, we've only ever played together with others, which we quite enjoyed. About 3.5 months ago my girlfriend met a man at work whom she very quickly fell in love with. Now, because we are "closed" at the moment she wasn't and still isn't pushing any physical actuation on me. Some complications arose from him being married - it is only a highly emotional relationship at the moment. He has 4 kids, not with his current wife. Coinciding with the beginning of their "relationship", I had started a new medication to alleviate nerve damage I had suffered from my football years. The medication caused me to have severe psychotropic side effects that culminated in me considering suicide Aug 20. The meds also seriously affected my ability to process emotionally. Admittedly I was awful. Nothing physical on my end but there were many instances where arguments degenerated into massive counterproductive blowouts. I and the meds put her through hell. She's concerned the tumult caused her to be pushed closer to this new man. I believe she is right, their relationship has never been able to flourish organically... it might not be what it is... anyway, back to him being married; his wife is now kicking him and his kids out. During the 3 months, they have had "awkward high school" sexual interactions - as my girlfriend put it. They have had some random groping, kissed 3 times... sort of. Etc. My emotuonality has be back and forth so I sometimes gave the go ahead amd then didn't (thanks meds) so their marriage is finished, he assures us that my girlfriend had nothing to do with it. Since I stopped taking the meds 3 weeks ago my ability to process and think have improved dramatically... however, I am still having a heck of a time with aspects of this "friendship". He's concealed the emotionality of their relationship from his wife at all times but given where their marriage is going, that point is moot. I insisted on meeting him about 10 days ago and we did. It went well, we got on. Exchanged phone numbers and started chatting a little; I learned he was into guitars so I offered to bestow some of my knowledge to him, gave him resources etc. We met a second time and had about 15 minutes alone together, we discussed polyamory and our mutual love and friendship with my girlfriend. He stated that he can't do what we do but he loves her. I respected his feelings and candidness, the boundaries between the 3 of us had been set. So I thought. Last Thursday he essentially "broke up" with my girlfriend. Meaning he couldn't deal with me being in the picture, said it was weird and he didnt want to share. He said he'd want so much more. She came home that evening and we cried together, I felt what she did, I held her and poured her some scotch ordered pizza and watched silly movies. The next day, we had planned to spend together... she wanted to meet him for an hour to discuss the previous evening. I was reluctant, given the plan but after she had gotten upset, I acquiesced. They met and ended up kissing and groping one another... which was revealed amidst a breakdown I had the following day when for hours we cried together and I stated that I couldn't handle how this was ripping her and myself apart emotionally. I stated I would leave to keep her as intact as I can. She said she couldn't picture life without me, she would never leave me for him. I don't want to leave... she is the love of my life... she feels the same but I can't keep struggling with this like I have and preserve who she is and who I am. I need help. It was very emotional. We came to an agreement on how to proceed and that they would solidify their boundaries. I keep putting on myself that they are going to have a sexual relationship... one way or another and I have to be ok with it now.... i know that's ridiculous. I'm such a mess. I'm concerned the hold over negativity while on the meds and all the back and forth has sullied the whole situation for me and I'll never get over it while simultaneously believing in this lifestyle. I don't think he's a good fit but that doesn't matter... ugh... there's so many more nuances but let's start there. I hope somone has some ideas for me because I'm stuck in an awful cycle right now.