Poly with closed relationship structures

vanwilder

New member
I've been wondering a few things about relationships in which the participants have made a commitment to be exclusive. With two people, this is considered monogamous, but if there are more than two (V, N, U shapes, triads, quads, for example) this is still considered poly. Do others in the poly community generally perceive 3+-person exclusive relationship units as being closer to typical monogamous units, or is this pretty common within the poly community?

Personally, I'm trying to figure out what I want out of a relationship. I've considered myself nonmonogamous, or at least open to nonmonogamous relationships, for all of my adult life, but never actually dated more than one person at a time.

Now, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman ("A") who I've been with for a year. The whole time, we've been open to the idea of dating other people, but neither of us had met anyone we had chemistry with until recently. She just told me that she started dating someone she met a month ago, and I recently met someone I'd potentially be interested in dating, who is visiting me from out of town this weekend.

Since it's my first time actually in this situation, I'm trying to figure out what the end-game is. "A" and I have talked about our future, and assuming things continue as they have been, I could see us dating for years or our lifetime. Ideally, I'd love any additional partners I take on to have (or have the potential to develop) a similar level of importance. But if you're always open to meeting and forming relationships with new people, doesn't the polycule just keep growing and becoming less structured and substantial? Where does it end?

I'd love to hear perspectives on this from other poly people, so I can know if I should be prepared for a lifetime of tenuous, volatile relationships, or if it's typical for units to 'close off' at some point :)
 
polyfidelity

group marriage

FWIW, there's no place for "always open to meeting and forming relationships"; sure, things might happen, but time is finite, & deep relating takes a LOT of work. I was in a quad household for a couple of years. One of our partners needed to move along. At about that time, the three of us were way serious busy with work, classes, social schedules, military duties, & helping launch a business. We were a closed triad for a year simply because we were running out of hours in the day & days in the week, & needed time to recharge.
 
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To expand a bit on what Ravenscroft wrote, there is such a thing as "polysaturation". That is to say that we all have limited time and resources. That sort of thing pretty much works itself out.

You would have to define what volatile means to you. I've always had various levels of relationships. Some work out better than others. In that respect it is no different than any other type of dating. I have never been on a search for a life partner. Those sort of relationships just end up happening. Or not. Other people are on a mission. It just depends on what makes you happy.
 
Personally, I'm trying to figure out what I want out of a relationship. I've considered myself nonmonogamous, or at least open to nonmonogamous relationships, for all of my adult life, but never actually dated more than one person at a time.

Now, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman ("A") who I've been with for a year. The whole time, we've been open to the idea of dating other people, but neither of us had met anyone we had chemistry with until recently. She just told me that she started dating someone she met a month ago, and I recently met someone I'd potentially be interested in dating, who is visiting me from out of town this weekend.

Since it's my first time actually in this situation, I'm trying to figure out what the end-game is. "A" and I have talked about our future, and assuming things continue as they have been, I could see us dating for years or our lifetime. Ideally, I'd love any additional partners I take on to have (or have the potential to develop) a similar level of importance. But if you're always open to meeting and forming relationships with new people, doesn't the polycule just keep growing and becoming less structured and substantial? Where does it end?

I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to chime in here because it sounds like you and I are in almost exactly the same place poly-experience wise, and it's pretty cool to have come across someone who's at the same level.

I've been kind of taking it from the stance of: whatever happens will happen, and we'll take it as it comes. Until then, I'm not putting a lot of expectations on what the end game actually is or what my relationships will/should look like. At the same time I've also been attempting to shed a lot of socially expected relationship goals that go beyond monogamy.

...It might also be good to note that I'm relatively young, so there's a lot of life to live and life goals to be set and I think there's also a lot of non-poly-related-notions that have led me to this mindset.
 
I don't think there is an end game in life. There is just living, and constantly changing, and constantly coping with others changing. As I see it, agreements of exclusivity can always be only temporary. Even if they are made for forever, people change their minds all the time. And it is fine.
 
Hi vanwilder,

There are open poly relationships and closed poly relationships. I think both are poly. However, even in open poly, I think there comes a time when one's time, energy, and resources are thoroughly tapped by the number of partners one already has. Hence, it becomes closed poly de facto. I hope that makes sense. :eek:

I hope you and "A" get things worked out together.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hence, it becomes closed poly de facto.
Not necessarily. Just because one person in a network is polysaturated and chooses to stop dating new people doesn't mean their existing partners have to do the same.
 
The end game is death.


Nah that's just the reset button.

LOL:D (>like<)

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Life has a way of taking odd turns.

Even though I am a very "goal oriented" person (in my career and my financial plans, etc) when it comes to relationships I take the "it's the journey, not the destination" path.

When I married my husband, the hope was "happily ever after"/ but there are no guarantees in life. I tease him that marriage may seem like a life-sentence but I would only hold him to a 50-year indentured servitude. (Of course, he has always said that when I turned 42 he was trading me in on two 21 year olds - I'm 43 now and the promised relief shift hasn't arrived :D).

It took me 19 years to fall into a relationship with Dude after hooking up with MrS (although I have had female FWBs all along). We all consider ourselves "open-but-not-looking" for the most part (not actively looking to date but not averse to the possibility). Once every few years I crank up the OKCupid account and talk to some people - last time I actually went on a date and had sex!:eek: - no fireworks, didn't go anywhere.) Then I turn my attentions elsewhere. I prefer all of my relationships to "just happen" - even friendships. I don't like dating or meeting new people so it is unlikely the polycule is going to grow much on my part.
 
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