I started this poly journey, I brought it to my husband. I chose this and now that Dean is dating I'm feeling myself withdraw from him. I feel hypocritical. I also feel like we are still heading towards a more fulfilling future. I'm not sure how to handle these thoughts and feelings. I'm feeling more vulnerable than I have in a long while and I'm scared quite frankly. I have more people close to me and more opportunities for heartbreak. It's been a fear of mine from the beginning but I moved forward anyways.
I'm hoping this distance is a phase, that I will find my bravery again and Dean and I will be fine, better than fine. I'm just in it right now. Really in it.
I think the changes that have happened in Dean and my relationship have come as a surprise even though from the beginning people here have said that our marriage will change.
At first Dean and I felt stronger than ever, it doesn't feel that way now though.
Dean said he has felt all the things I'm feeling when I started dating and that they pass, things get better.
So, how will our bond stay while we are putting energy into other relationships?
I know that there are other things going on in my life that are amplifying these feelings, things that have nothing to do with us being other people. I'm trying to separate, but I only have one heart and it's hurting.
I don't think I've made a mistake, but I feel silly for feeling sad that he's dating.
I know part of me wished that he would decide he was monogamous and that makes me feel awful. selfish. needy.
I am going through a period of grief for what we had I think.
I am standing on my own two feet. The experience has made it more clear that we are all individuals dealing with our own shit on our own. I don't think that's a bad thing really. self-reliance isn't bad, autonomy is what I wanted and now I've got it.
I want to get back to the part where I was gushing about Dean giving me the space to have relationships how I see fit and the wonderful people I've connected with. Go back to gushing about Sir and how great that is.
Relief from these yucky feelings.
I think I'm just venting, but will fully accept any kind words, even stern ones that are truthful, but maybe won't feel so good hearing. Or just tell me I'm being ridiculous and that I need to get over myself. I need a mirror here.