Opening from Monogomy and the feeeeeelings

Hi BIS, I think you'll do okay, you have the right support system, you just need to get past the rough spots. I know you're not 100% sure you should stay with Dean. This is okay, you need to be aware of all the possibilities. As long as you aren't rushing, you will make the right decisions.
 
When you get the anxious feelings, what does that feel like? What triggers it? Is it directly related to Dean, or does it have to do with something more internal?
 
I started this poly journey, I brought it to my husband. I chose this and now that Dean is dating I'm feeling myself withdraw from him. I feel hypocritical. I also feel like we are still heading towards a more fulfilling future. I'm not sure how to handle these thoughts and feelings. I'm feeling more vulnerable than I have in a long while and I'm scared quite frankly. I have more people close to me and more opportunities for heartbreak. It's been a fear of mine from the beginning but I moved forward anyways.
I'm hoping this distance is a phase, that I will find my bravery again and Dean and I will be fine, better than fine. I'm just in it right now. Really in it.
I think the changes that have happened in Dean and my relationship have come as a surprise even though from the beginning people here have said that our marriage will change.
At first Dean and I felt stronger than ever, it doesn't feel that way now though.
Dean said he has felt all the things I'm feeling when I started dating and that they pass, things get better.

So, how will our bond stay while we are putting energy into other relationships?

I know that there are other things going on in my life that are amplifying these feelings, things that have nothing to do with us being other people. I'm trying to separate, but I only have one heart and it's hurting.

I don't think I've made a mistake, but I feel silly for feeling sad that he's dating.
I know part of me wished that he would decide he was monogamous and that makes me feel awful. selfish. needy.
I am going through a period of grief for what we had I think.

I am standing on my own two feet. The experience has made it more clear that we are all individuals dealing with our own shit on our own. I don't think that's a bad thing really. self-reliance isn't bad, autonomy is what I wanted and now I've got it.

I want to get back to the part where I was gushing about Dean giving me the space to have relationships how I see fit and the wonderful people I've connected with. Go back to gushing about Sir and how great that is.
Relief from these yucky feelings.

I think I'm just venting, but will fully accept any kind words, even stern ones that are truthful, but maybe won't feel so good hearing. Or just tell me I'm being ridiculous and that I need to get over myself. I need a mirror here.

All these feelings you have, no matter how unsettling, happy, whatever the case may be are part of the full spectrum of living, and having someone you can share all these feelings with openly, and still be loved to your core for who you are is one of the most precious gifts life can offer. So embrace them, feel them as deeply as you can, while maintaining enough control to communicate any negative ones in a healthy way.
 
After reading the anniversary thread, I feel a need to caution against dealing with difficult feelings by manipulating others into not triggering them. For example, stringing together two anniversaries and and creating an exclusion zone between them. It will do nothing to improve your ability to deal with them. It will effectively be pulling the strings on Dean's relationships to help you address your discomfort.

My suggestion would be to accept Dean's understanding and support and advice and use it as your strength to do justice to your poly attempt in a fair manner and not find ways to prevent him meeting his partner unless it is really a crisis that can't be handled in any other way. Even if he agreed, it isn't a very nice thing to do to him.

The forum is full of advice to deal with difficult feelings. If you have so much clarity and observation, you have much more ability to deal with your feelings than you suspect. All that observation power doesn't come without skills. Don't take the easy way and make things harder for yourself in the long run by doing things that you will not help and could cause resentments and complications.
 
I'm also painfully aware of how reliant I am on Dean. We have three kids and while I have a career I can't afford to work it right now b/c of childcare costs. It doesn't make sense. I'm left feeling very unstable. I couldn't live on my own if I wanted. I'm at his mercy. This comes into play because as we move away from monogamous thinking our partnership has changed. We've lost our sense of team.

I know a lot of this doesn't make sense. I know it. Tell that to my heart.

~snip~

I still feel like a hypocrite, I still feel like I'm moving to a place of doing poly solo.
I also feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Dean and I need to reconnect, but I don't even want him to touch me right now.

I decided to treat this like a grieving period, because I am grieving the old. So I shouldn't make any big decisions, but I have to make some small adjustments for my own sanity.

Months of what I'm feeling now isn't going to work for me.

I have definitely had those feels - especially since Knight and I started actively having _separate_ poly relationships, as opposed to swinging and... couplefriendswithbenefits type relationships after I lost my job while pregnant. I've been freelancing ever since and certainly couldn't support myself - which makes my more-solo ideals kind of hypocritical, especially in the face of our running joke about his career being for Team {Lastname}... when I don't even know that I'd philosophically want to marry, now, were I not already and certainly wouldn't have changed my name. (Well, wouldn't have changed my name to his last name, might have changed it to something else entirely. )

It's, truth be told, one reason I'm currently working on my resume since MiniMe is in school full time and I'm tired of the freelance hustle / precariousness.

Sorry, I digress. Guess I just wanted to say "I understand" on what you're saying here.
 
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