awkwardfox
New member
So, I'm approaching my 3 year anniversary with my primary(male). We have been poly from the start and its a core tenant of our beliefs and our relationship. Most of the times things run pretty smoothly and internally we have very little conflict.
However, almost all of his dates and partners turn into longer-term (though not super serious) relationships. For him it's difficult to just find easy hook-ups. For me, it is the opposite. As a female, hookups are easy, but not being ghosted after sleeping with someone is VERY rare. I know this is not a problem for us alone, it's a widespread difference with men and women, poly or not, in the dating scene.
For me, I don't get much joy out of the random hook-ups and I am really looking for something more consistent. My partner also wants this, since many new partners is more difficult for him to adjust to than a few consistent ones. Also safer! Buuut I can't change the persisting culture that subconsciously seems to believe that since I already have a man, they won't or can't get emotionally close to me--they see me as just side sex. Between that and all of the guys that I thought actually did care for me ghosting me over the past few years, I have a badly bruised ego and a sour taste in my mouth for the dating scene. So, I have really slowed down my efforts, and his have stayed the same.
Now, he has on average 3 other consistent partners and dozens of others who come and go depending on season/if they are in relationship/if they are in the state/etc. And I have nobody, leaving me alone when he is out on dates (we live together).
Now logically, I still want to be poly. But I can't ask him so slow down or stop when I have no energy to date, then start up again when I want to. Yet lately it seems like I am getting all of the work and downsides of poly, with none of the benefits. So I am looking for advice on what to do.
It's been nearly a year of the same conversation and now we are both in a rut and can't seem to find a solution. How do I cope if I decide I don't want to date right now but he still does? Or how do I find partners that 'get it'? (even the 'poly' people I have dated didn't really allow themselves to care for me).
**Also as a side question, how many partners to people have and how many is 'too many'? Sometimes I feel like our poly is breakneck pace compared to most of my other poly friends'.**
However, almost all of his dates and partners turn into longer-term (though not super serious) relationships. For him it's difficult to just find easy hook-ups. For me, it is the opposite. As a female, hookups are easy, but not being ghosted after sleeping with someone is VERY rare. I know this is not a problem for us alone, it's a widespread difference with men and women, poly or not, in the dating scene.
For me, I don't get much joy out of the random hook-ups and I am really looking for something more consistent. My partner also wants this, since many new partners is more difficult for him to adjust to than a few consistent ones. Also safer! Buuut I can't change the persisting culture that subconsciously seems to believe that since I already have a man, they won't or can't get emotionally close to me--they see me as just side sex. Between that and all of the guys that I thought actually did care for me ghosting me over the past few years, I have a badly bruised ego and a sour taste in my mouth for the dating scene. So, I have really slowed down my efforts, and his have stayed the same.
Now, he has on average 3 other consistent partners and dozens of others who come and go depending on season/if they are in relationship/if they are in the state/etc. And I have nobody, leaving me alone when he is out on dates (we live together).
Now logically, I still want to be poly. But I can't ask him so slow down or stop when I have no energy to date, then start up again when I want to. Yet lately it seems like I am getting all of the work and downsides of poly, with none of the benefits. So I am looking for advice on what to do.
It's been nearly a year of the same conversation and now we are both in a rut and can't seem to find a solution. How do I cope if I decide I don't want to date right now but he still does? Or how do I find partners that 'get it'? (even the 'poly' people I have dated didn't really allow themselves to care for me).
**Also as a side question, how many partners to people have and how many is 'too many'? Sometimes I feel like our poly is breakneck pace compared to most of my other poly friends'.**