Advice for a unique situation

CosmoKitty

New member
But what poly relationship scenario isn't unique? lol. Hello everyone! I find myself in need of some fellow poly support as I'm in a whole new situation and with no one to really talk to. I have been off and on again with a man who until now has been more monogamous. We were more recently in a state of limbo, choosing to be just intimate friends (without the relationship label). But when he found another woman he was interested in I suddenly didn't feel as...secure. My last poly relationship I was in was with my husband years ago in which I also had an LDR so things were different. In that case I had a primary and got to set up boundaries but with this current situation I felt like I was completely exposed - too vulnerable to being hurt.

For a while I thought I really could go without the label. He said he wouldn't get involved with anyone who would pull him away from me but I felt like I found my first boundary - I at Least needed the label of being in an open-relationship. I didn't feel right opening myself up to him on so many levels and to not have any say at All in who he see's as well (mostly for safety reasons). Before we took on that label I felt very threatened by this other woman. After, I actually feel better and have been more willing to talk about her with him. He's wondering how to bring up our situation to her and I've been telling him the best thing to do is to be honest. I can tell that he's afraid she'll run away, even though she seems to be just as open as I am, if not more.

Anyone have any advice on how to overcome jealousy (as it is quite new to me - I didn't have this issue so much with my past partners) and how to bring up your poly-ness to people in a subtle way that wouldn't scare them off? Personally I feel like if they won't wait around to ask more about what it means, then they're probably not worth the effort. This is all super new to me, any help is appreciated! Thanks!
 
You are not really asking how to overcome jealousy. You are asking how to overcome the fact that your mostly mono boyfriend is dating what is most likely a mono woman and hasn't even told her about you yet.

There is nothing wrong with expecting him to at least acknowledge your existence to the people he dates. Anything else is shady. And if he can't be honest with her, are you sure he can be honest with you?

So your feelings that there is something wrong are not unfounded. They are nothing to overcome. It shows you recognize a problem that needs to be corrected.

How did they meet? If I meet someone online I tell them right away. If I meet someone while out and about I will bring it up during our first date. I see no reason to be subtle about it. We aren't supposed to trick people into wanting to be with us. If she bails over it, so what. That means they weren't compatible on a most basic level, right? If she pushes him to make a choice and he chooses her that means the two of you were incompatible. Either way he needs to tell her sooner than later.
 
she seems to be just as open as I am, if not more.

What is she open about? If she is open to non-monogamy, why do you jump to "if they won't wait around to ask more about what it means, then they're probably not worth the effort." ?
What are the "safety reasons" that you want to be able to vet his partners? Do you not trust him to feel his own way with this?

That said, your fears seem to be more about losing him than about helping him keep her around.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I get confused when people don't want to "label" the relationship. At this point in time, I am guessing you guys are dating, you are lovers, and you are in an Open relationship. Is that right?

And now he's dating a new person, and you want him to be clear about being in an Open relationship with his potentials. And he doesn't want to tell her up front. Is that the problem? :confused:

I guess I don't see why he's reticent about it. He could tell her up front and she says "Oh. Thanks for telling me. I'm not into that" and the potential bows out. Or she goes "Oh. Thanks for telling me. I could be up for that" and they keep getting to know each other.

There's nothing "scaring them off" about it. It just dating. Not everyone he dates will be a runner and up for everything he is. That's what dating is FOR. To sort out the compatible ones. So I think he could get on with the sorting with this one. Be honest and up front and get on with it.

Or is THAT the problem? He IS getting on with it... He's monogamous, and he keeps you around as the back up plan/sex in the meanwhile until he finds the one he wants for "real?" And that's why it's been on and off so much. So you are worried this potential might be the one where he finally breaks it off for real with you. Is that why you are upset?

If he's not being honest with potentials about being in an Open relationship... or you think he's telling lies and leading her on... or you think he's keeping you around for convenience and not really relationshipping...or something else hinky? And your relationship history with him has been "on and off" for a long while?

Then I think YOU could end it with him because you are done with all that. I mean, you could ask him one last time to stop behaving so ____ and start behaving more _____. But if he doesn't change his behaviors and you still feel weird/upset a lot witnessing them? And/or you are basically dating someone who isn't all that into you and this causes you upset?

Then maybe you part ways and this time it stays OFF. Then you don't have to deal with any of it any more and you can be free from upset.

What are you jealous about in this situation? :confused: I don't know if anything here could help you.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

But mostly it doesn't sound like jealousy to me. You seem annoyed he's not more up front with potential and annoyed he's not well vested in the relationship with you.

Personally I feel like if they won't wait around to ask more about what it means, then they're probably not worth the effort.

Evaluation of this potential is his job. He's the one dating her, not you.

You could do YOUR job instead. You could evaluate if you want to keep going with him when he's sounding kinda lukewarm about you. Is on and off for a while. Doesn't want to label the relationship. Doesn't want to tell potentials you exist. Is it worth your effort? Do you get enough return on your investment? You could ask yourself those things.

I could be wrong in my impressions... but that kind of situation wouldn't make me excited about keeping on with him if I were the one dating him. Sounds kinda meh.

Maybe that's the reason you didn't have this issue with past partners. They were poly, and they were into you. This one is monogamous and kinda meh? And you have concerns about safety? If you are feeling overexposed and too vulnerable to being hurt in this situation like you are putting more into it than he is...it's ok to stop participating. It's a bummer, but I don't think there's anything wrong with pulling back if you think you have overinvested or overextended yourself.

Galagirl
 
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I didn't feel right opening myself up to him on so many levels and to not have any say at All in who he see's as well (mostly for safety reasons).

I have some problems with this line. It may have just been your word choice.... but you don't actually get any say in who your partners date. You can set your own boundary and say that if they choose to date certain people then you're not going to continue your relationship with them. But everyone is an autonomous person and gets to date who they want as that's a personal choice.

I can understand wanting to feel like your partner will acknowledge that you are, in fact, a partner and have a relationship before more people are brought into the mix. If that's what you feel like you need, then there's nothing wrong with asking for that.

It's unclear from your post if your partner is just interested in this other person or if he's already started dating them, but as others have said, if he's already dating the other person and hasn't yet told them about you, that's super shady, but also violates that person's consent, since they may not consent to dating someone who is also seeing other people, but if they don't have the info to make that decision, then their not really able to give informed consent.
 
Hi CosmoKitty,

Here's some advice on how to overcome jealousy:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

And the best way, I think, for him to bring up his poly-ness, is to say, "I need to let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Then, after some discussion, "I have another partner." It's actually less scary if he is direct and very honest.

I hope that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
He said he wouldn't get involved with anyone who would pull him away from me but I felt like I found my first boundary - I at Least needed the label of being in an open-relationship. I didn't feel right opening myself up to him on so many levels and to not have any say at All in who he see's as well (mostly for safety reasons). Before we took on that label I felt very threatened by this other woman. After, I actually feel better and have been more willing to talk about her with him. He's wondering how to bring up our situation to her and I've been telling him the best thing to do is to be honest. I can tell that he's afraid she'll run away, even though she seems to be just as open as I am, if not more.

Are you worried that he is concealing that he is already in an open relationship with you from the new person he is interested in and may be planning to or slide into a pretend or real monogamy with her? In other words, you being hidden or replaced or otherwise diminished in his love life?
 
You are not really asking how to overcome jealousy. You are asking how to overcome the fact that your mostly mono boyfriend is dating what is most likely a mono woman and hasn't even told her about you yet.

There is nothing wrong with expecting him to at least acknowledge your existence to the people he dates. Anything else is shady. And if he can't be honest with her, are you sure he can be honest with you?

So your feelings that there is something wrong are not unfounded. They are nothing to overcome. It shows you recognize a problem that needs to be corrected.

How did they meet? If I meet someone online I tell them right away. If I meet someone while out and about I will bring it up during our first date. I see no reason to be subtle about it. We aren't supposed to trick people into wanting to be with us. If she bails over it, so what. That means they weren't compatible on a most basic level, right? If she pushes him to make a choice and he chooses her that means the two of you were incompatible. Either way he needs to tell her sooner than later.


Spot on.
 
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