Sleeping (actual sleeping) with new partners

Knickers

New member
Hi all,

I've now had two overnight/sleepover dates with my boyfriend and both times I was unable to fall asleep. This was not because we were up talking or messing around... He was sleeping and I was laying there awake. We've been together almost 6 months now. I've never had sleep issues before and I'm used to sleeping in the same bed as someone else (my husband of 13 years). I didn't feel nervous and I wasn't really thinking about anything specifically while I was lying awake ALL night. Ugh. I'm tired just thinking about it!

Just wondering if this something other people have experienced and if so, how long did it last!? I was hoping to have an occasional break from the "fuck and flee" scenario but I can't handle many more sleepless nights!
Thanks for any responses :)
 
When my partner and I started overnights I had trouble falling asleep. More so at my place than his for some reason. Now that we've been sleeping together for a bit longer I don't really have an issue sleeping at all.

It could be that you're just getting used to different sleeping rhythms of your boyfriend. You are used to sleeping with your husband but he sleeps differently.

Are you sleeping in your boyfriend's bed? Could be that it's just a different feeling bed and your body just needs to get used to sleeping with a different person/in a different place.
 
Might sound a bit odd but... is his bed oriented very differently from yours? As in,yours in north/south, his is south/north.
I find a sleeping mask helps too if there is a lot more light than I am used too.
 
As a person who suffers from sleep issues, I have finally just broken a 6 month cycle of insomnia, including a trial of Ambien (which didn't work).

I think if you set up a routine that you use every night, it will help you feel at home wherever. Do you read before you sleep? I read a bit on my Kindle, and when Beloved did his first overnight I stuck to this routine, even reading before sleep. It helped. Use your own pillow no matter what bed you sleep in. Maybe try some Benedryl or something if you feel it may help.

Hope you get used to it soon.
 
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I struggle to sleep when I'm not in my own bed or my life partner is away. I also find that sex right before trying to sleep is a sure fire way to keep me buzzing and I always find it hard to drop off. I know lots of people get the opposite and sex knocks them out, but for me it's the same as doing any kind of exercise: a mental stimulant that takes me a long time to wind down from, even if I'm physically exhausted. Since I do get bouts of insomnia in general, I prefer to always come home after dates, even with people I've been seeing a while. I guess I miss out on sharing breakfast together, but I don't feel cuddle deprived, and I love coming home to my life partner. I think if that were ever to change and I were wanting to get comfortable sleeping next to a new person, I'd have to be with them for an intensive period - like a few weeks of doing it daily - for me to adjust to the way they sleep.
 
I have that problem too, the first few times I sleep at someone's house. Most of that is that is unfamiliarity, I think, sometimes it's just subconsciously not wanting to give up any of the limited time I have with a sig other to sleep. I figure it's worth it, to be honest, but I don't do it very often and I'm pretty good at dealing with lack of sleep.
 
Thanks for all your responses! You are probably right that it has to do with familiarity. I did actually do slightly better at his house than at mine, which surprised me. When I started thinking about it more, I think I did have a bit of nervousness about the morning time with my kids being around. They already know each other and the kids are young enough that they don't know he is sleeping over - they just think he came over early to have breakfast with us. But still, I think that could have been part of it. Thanks for the suggestions too. Not sure when I'll be brave enough to try again but I'm sure repetition will probably help the most.
 
I've had issues sleeping with partners, especially with Zen. And it saddens me just a bit, because I love waking up next to him, LOVE morning sex with him, love the feeling of him by me and against me, the snuggles are fantastic...

But he isn't used to having another person in his bed at all. So he's a bit restless. And for some reason, I feel hyper-aware of him sometimes. Like I'm mentally checking his status every five minutes the whole night long, as though paranoid I might be taking up too much space or making him uncomfortable. Only I'm not precisely sure just what I'm checking on...I don't feel like I get deep sleep.

I found, oddly, that after I stopped sleeping next to my ex-husband (18 year marriage) that I slept SO much better alone. He complains about not having someone to wake up next to, but I'm like, FINALLY I can SLEEP. I think, my love of Zen and wanting to have lots of contact with him notwithstanding, I generally like being able to sleep alone. Also I know that part of it for me, because if I'm sleeping with a partner, it's not in my bed (which is a bit small for it)...is that most beds are not as soft as mine. And so if something is achy or hurting, misaligned due to a hard mattress, then I have difficulty sleeping, too.

This weekend at the convention we went to, Zen and I shared a room, but slept in separate beds hoping that would help. He still had a hard time sleeping the first night, and so did I. For me, it was a hard bed. For him, the temperature of the room. Night #2, I think we both had the same thing happen where were were just so damn tired nothing mattered, and we zonked out. Kink coma. I did get in bed with him early in the morning and snoozed a while, spooned up together. That was SO nice...
 
I sleep alone and that works out pretty well for me. I take melatonin too which also helps.
 
Oh man. I definitely have this problem. I have such a hard time falling asleep beside new partners, whether it be in my bed, their bed, a hotel bed, whatever.

One of my past poly lovers would sleep over at my house once-ish a week. It was pretty much guaranteed that I would lay awake and unable to sleep for hours. He would be snoring away, deep in sleep, and I felt like my brain was on mega-alert. Eventually, I would fall asleep, but it was poor quality and I would have nightmares about robots... Every. Single. Time.... reoccurring nightmares about robots, that happened ONLY when he slept over. Never any other time.

I also agree with an above poster about how sex before bed can cause wakefulness. For me, it's a gamble. Sometimes sex calms and relaxes me to the point of falling asleep, other times, it invigorates me and wakes me up. I never know which effect it is going to have (thankfully, about 8 in 10 times it leans towards sleep-inducing).

I second the melatonin. That stuff has been so helpful for me, especially when I am getting anxious about how late it is, knowing I have to get some sleep.
 
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Its always nice to hear you aren't alone - thanks everyone! Both my husband and boyfriend don't have this issue! I'll have to try the melatonin the next time :)
 
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