I really need some input from experienced poly folks. I am new to this. I have very much appreciated the support and advice I've received on other threads.
(See sig below for family structure)
LP is not poly, but very much knew Beloved was poly when they got together 6 years ago, and was okay with that. In fact, when they met he was in a long-term relationship with a poly woman, and LP was happy being secondary, and very independent and busy in her own life. Then that long-term relationship between Beloved and his primary fizzled out and LP became primary. (As she tells me this story, she said her reaction was "Oh Sh--!") At that time friends advised her that if she were to stay with him, to accept him as poly, and she said she did, and would. And it seems that she has on the surface. There were 3 (I think) lovers after his first primary left, and none lasted that long, and no lovers in the last couple of years. LP moved in with Beloved a year ago. They recently had a lovely commitment ceremony (I was the ring bearer!).
None of us was looking for love when I came alone and Beloved and I fell in love. It just happened.
We spent many weeks making sure this was absolutely okay with everyone, especially LP, before I entered into their family, and before Beloved and I went to a sexual relationship. My rule has always been that if it's not okay with everyone, it's not okay with me. It is part of my personal ethics. Nor was LP pressured into agreeing to this.
We talked about feelings, boundaries, etc. We took it very very slow. During this "prep" time, and many many times since, I have asked LP if she was still okay with me being there. She has said yes very firmly and passionately each time, that I am wanted and loved.
However LP struggles with pain and jealousy. She is honest about her feelings, which is good. She says she is not afraid that Beloved and I will run away together or anything like that. She just has a hard time seeing her man be with someone else. And also says she knows he's poly, and if not me, then someone else. And she's rather have it be me because she loves me and we have a good relationship, and she trusts my honesty and openness and ethics.
By now I'm deep in, very much in love with Beloved and he with me, and the three of us have made a family. LP has told me a few times that it would hurt her very much if I were to step away. She said that most of the time we have such good times, love, family, that the pros outweigh the cons.
Each time Beloved and I have a new milestone it hurts her and she struggles. She tries not to let it show, but in the end I ask her to tell her feelings and she does, and we talk about it, and I offer to put the brakes on it. And she says no, she does not want that at all.
It's so hard. I feel so bad. First hard time was our first date of physical intimacy. That was in early February. She gave her blessing even the day of the first date, but then had such an emotional breakdown afterwards. It was really awful and I just about ended it right then and there, but she said no, she still wanted to go forward. So here I am, and date nights are now routine. I can tell there's still a twinge there with her each time we have date night.
Yesterday, after much talking about it and agreements, Beloved and I had our first overnight date night at my house. All seemed fine in the two weeks leading up to this. But then yesterday came and she was having a hard time all day. I offered to cancel the overnight and she said no, she wanted it to go forward and it would just take some getting used to. But I could tell she was so upset, and I insisted on canceling date night until we had time to talk about it. In fact, I considered stepping away completely from the whole relationship for awhile because I'm tired of being the source of pain for LP. Then LP actually called Beloved after that conversation, and told him not to let me end it, and to get right over to my house. He came over, I cried and we held each other, and we both reconfirmed our love for each other. I agreed to let him stay overnight. We called her together on the phone to tell her we loved her and good night and she said she was glad he was staying, even as she also said (after I asked) that she was sad and working through it. Today there is still some tension but things are mostly better. I rescued LP and her broken-down car, she asked about my kids' new school schedules, and back to normal family stuff.
I really need some input and support here. Yesterday my heart was breaking because by loving Beloved, I am causing pain to my very best friend LP. Today it's better, but I am sure we'll go through this again each overnight until she gets used to it. And it sucks. How do I get used to this? Is this normal poly stuff that comes up sometimes? What can be done to help with this situation?
(See sig below for family structure)
LP is not poly, but very much knew Beloved was poly when they got together 6 years ago, and was okay with that. In fact, when they met he was in a long-term relationship with a poly woman, and LP was happy being secondary, and very independent and busy in her own life. Then that long-term relationship between Beloved and his primary fizzled out and LP became primary. (As she tells me this story, she said her reaction was "Oh Sh--!") At that time friends advised her that if she were to stay with him, to accept him as poly, and she said she did, and would. And it seems that she has on the surface. There were 3 (I think) lovers after his first primary left, and none lasted that long, and no lovers in the last couple of years. LP moved in with Beloved a year ago. They recently had a lovely commitment ceremony (I was the ring bearer!).
None of us was looking for love when I came alone and Beloved and I fell in love. It just happened.
We spent many weeks making sure this was absolutely okay with everyone, especially LP, before I entered into their family, and before Beloved and I went to a sexual relationship. My rule has always been that if it's not okay with everyone, it's not okay with me. It is part of my personal ethics. Nor was LP pressured into agreeing to this.
We talked about feelings, boundaries, etc. We took it very very slow. During this "prep" time, and many many times since, I have asked LP if she was still okay with me being there. She has said yes very firmly and passionately each time, that I am wanted and loved.
However LP struggles with pain and jealousy. She is honest about her feelings, which is good. She says she is not afraid that Beloved and I will run away together or anything like that. She just has a hard time seeing her man be with someone else. And also says she knows he's poly, and if not me, then someone else. And she's rather have it be me because she loves me and we have a good relationship, and she trusts my honesty and openness and ethics.
By now I'm deep in, very much in love with Beloved and he with me, and the three of us have made a family. LP has told me a few times that it would hurt her very much if I were to step away. She said that most of the time we have such good times, love, family, that the pros outweigh the cons.
Each time Beloved and I have a new milestone it hurts her and she struggles. She tries not to let it show, but in the end I ask her to tell her feelings and she does, and we talk about it, and I offer to put the brakes on it. And she says no, she does not want that at all.
It's so hard. I feel so bad. First hard time was our first date of physical intimacy. That was in early February. She gave her blessing even the day of the first date, but then had such an emotional breakdown afterwards. It was really awful and I just about ended it right then and there, but she said no, she still wanted to go forward. So here I am, and date nights are now routine. I can tell there's still a twinge there with her each time we have date night.
Yesterday, after much talking about it and agreements, Beloved and I had our first overnight date night at my house. All seemed fine in the two weeks leading up to this. But then yesterday came and she was having a hard time all day. I offered to cancel the overnight and she said no, she wanted it to go forward and it would just take some getting used to. But I could tell she was so upset, and I insisted on canceling date night until we had time to talk about it. In fact, I considered stepping away completely from the whole relationship for awhile because I'm tired of being the source of pain for LP. Then LP actually called Beloved after that conversation, and told him not to let me end it, and to get right over to my house. He came over, I cried and we held each other, and we both reconfirmed our love for each other. I agreed to let him stay overnight. We called her together on the phone to tell her we loved her and good night and she said she was glad he was staying, even as she also said (after I asked) that she was sad and working through it. Today there is still some tension but things are mostly better. I rescued LP and her broken-down car, she asked about my kids' new school schedules, and back to normal family stuff.
I really need some input and support here. Yesterday my heart was breaking because by loving Beloved, I am causing pain to my very best friend LP. Today it's better, but I am sure we'll go through this again each overnight until she gets used to it. And it sucks. How do I get used to this? Is this normal poly stuff that comes up sometimes? What can be done to help with this situation?
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