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Old 02-10-2009, 04:15 AM
blackdog2 blackdog2 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1
Unhappy not poly yet,apparently. maybe next month.

i guess i write from a place of dissapointment right now. i have been exploring the concept of polyamory with my partner of 1 1/2 years, and we are deciding to table the discussion for now. she is just too upset and scared and not ready and it is all we talk about, overshadowing our whole relationship to the point where it doesn't feel the same. i myself don't know if it is for me or not, but i feel as though i need to explore it to find out for myself.
i was asked out two months ago by someone who i think is an actual decent, kind, interesting human being. i presented this to my partner at that time. unfortunate timing, maybe, as she knew i was interested in polyamory but we had not defined the parameters of our relationship yet. she freaked out, calmed down, freaked out, calmed down, etc, for quite awhile. then, she convinced me i should hang out with him and find out what his thoughts on monogamy were. he presented himself as a very open-minded person, being open to the idea of non-monogamy, and i then told him how much i liked him and what me and my partner were discussing, all with my partner's blessing. she wanted to meet him, and we all hung out together twice. she liked him, in a platonic way. she did have reservations, however, about the fact that we work together and have the chance to see each other in that environment all week. my job is temporary, for the record.
my partner and i both did alot of reading and discussing, rethought past relationships and how they could have gone smoother had polyamory been presented as an option, we began to define what would and would not be ok with us in our relationship as far as opening it up. we had some very important discussions about the intentionality of relationships, as opposed to just allowing them to slip into whatever form they do and then realize later it was a mistake. we did some very hard work together. my partner even gave her number to someone, and says that polyamory resonates with her on many levels.
a few days ago i offered that we put the discussion aside, however, because she has had panic attacks, and like i said, this topic is all we talk about, but nothing is getting better, and i would say her fear level is getting worse.she was hung up on the fact that we work together, but personally, i think that was only part of her issue. i think she is not comfortable with the idea in general, no matter where i know the person from.
i guess what i want to know is what i CAN ask of her in lieu of all this. what might be a reasonable time frame in which to bring this up again? is it a fair compromise to assume we can set limits on who is ok to date, or where we can meet people? my counselor says i am going to meet people where i spend most of my time, work is that place. what is a reasonable time frame to expect someone to know if they are ok or not with this, meaning when should i assume she is not and we have to figure out where the relationship goes from there? i don't want her to do this for me, i would want her to do this for us. and should i say something to my friend at work? i still feel very strongly for him, but he hasn't done anything innapropriate and i think he is just waiting on me, or for all i know, he gave up cuz it was two months ago that he asked me out. is it ok to hang out with him or will it be like leading him on? i feel as though i should forget about him.
any kind advice welcome. i feel very lonely in all of this.

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