Norwegianpoly
New member
It has been some months since my ex-husband left me (and my boyfriend) and it seems likely that we will not get back together.
I have heard that it is usual that one person leaving can result in the whole relationship structure to disintegrate, and I am at times fearful for it happening to us. I do still feel very much that we are in the "remains of a poly relationship", rather than being in a monogamous relationship. We have to restructure everything, and the person I would like advice from, my ex, is not available. I feel weird in how to handle questions like marriage and kids, and I am pretty paranoid but also rushed (my ex left me as we were about to start trying for kids. I am not young). It is a very weird setting all of a sudden trying to address this issues "on my own" - the timing feels wrong.
I could address things head on, and have been adviced to, still the "now that he is gone, who are we" question remains. We did talk a little bit about it, like I said that I was not looking to add on (just continuing with him is enough to make me struggle some days. The thought of dating more people make me sweat). I said I wanted to be monogamous, he said something about threesomes that made me feel very hurt. I guess there is no way to tread lightly in this process.
I feel foolish to address things like "Well, now that he left, why dont you and I marry instead" or "Well, now that I am not going to have kids with my ex, how about you and I give it a go before my egg collection runs dry". My ex leaving me got me hurt, and changed our structure as well. We became mono overnight, it is not the same as dating and slowly starting to talk about these things - I met my boyfriend when I was already married with plans to have a kid. I knew how to do mono. I learned how to do poly. What we have now, is weird remains. I am not sure how to twist it into something that we both are comfortable with. I struggle with on the one hand feeling more loved than ever by my boyfriend, and on the other hand being scared to plan the future (he is probably unsure of to rock the boat too).
I just wonder if someone who "downsized" from 3 to 2 in the relationship have advice on how to deal with the structural change.
I am probably seeing my boyfriend next month (our second visit since the breakup) and I am planning to initiate some "serious conversation" stuff. I think since I feel so nervous about it, I have to plan what to say. I would appreciate any pointers.
I have heard that it is usual that one person leaving can result in the whole relationship structure to disintegrate, and I am at times fearful for it happening to us. I do still feel very much that we are in the "remains of a poly relationship", rather than being in a monogamous relationship. We have to restructure everything, and the person I would like advice from, my ex, is not available. I feel weird in how to handle questions like marriage and kids, and I am pretty paranoid but also rushed (my ex left me as we were about to start trying for kids. I am not young). It is a very weird setting all of a sudden trying to address this issues "on my own" - the timing feels wrong.
I could address things head on, and have been adviced to, still the "now that he is gone, who are we" question remains. We did talk a little bit about it, like I said that I was not looking to add on (just continuing with him is enough to make me struggle some days. The thought of dating more people make me sweat). I said I wanted to be monogamous, he said something about threesomes that made me feel very hurt. I guess there is no way to tread lightly in this process.
I feel foolish to address things like "Well, now that he left, why dont you and I marry instead" or "Well, now that I am not going to have kids with my ex, how about you and I give it a go before my egg collection runs dry". My ex leaving me got me hurt, and changed our structure as well. We became mono overnight, it is not the same as dating and slowly starting to talk about these things - I met my boyfriend when I was already married with plans to have a kid. I knew how to do mono. I learned how to do poly. What we have now, is weird remains. I am not sure how to twist it into something that we both are comfortable with. I struggle with on the one hand feeling more loved than ever by my boyfriend, and on the other hand being scared to plan the future (he is probably unsure of to rock the boat too).
I just wonder if someone who "downsized" from 3 to 2 in the relationship have advice on how to deal with the structural change.
I am probably seeing my boyfriend next month (our second visit since the breakup) and I am planning to initiate some "serious conversation" stuff. I think since I feel so nervous about it, I have to plan what to say. I would appreciate any pointers.