This is a spin off thread from the "friends as exes".
Something to come up a lot is the whole "what are boundaries" question.
i came across a definition the other day that I loved, from the website "out of the fog".
Part of the reason i love it is the implication of the fact that there is a mental health map out there to be discovered- that act on it or not, there's an objective if personal reality.
Part of the reason i love it is the implication that you can and should at all times make decisions that keep your mental health in mind and better it.
I grew up with an "ignore your mental health" type mindset.
You all can see from my threads where that has gotten me
Not that I didn't rebel- but this week is the first week I have embraced it's opposite.
When you ask the question (Question 1), "what - in this moment - would be best for my mental health, short term and long term?" - a lot becomes clear, including rights, responsibilities to yourself, etc.
I think if you add on Question 2 "and in what way can I keep myself in the "good mental health zone" and also be present with others/support others in their quests" you might have a recipe for good parenting/community building/relating.
I think this partly explains why there is a disproportionate amount of awful feeling experiences with add-on triads, especially involving beginners.
In the typical ill-fated add-on triad, the original couple is taking actions that do involve choices good for their mental health. And those of their original partner. So it feels like good self-care and good community building all in one. But question 2- "how can I/we also make my/our actions support the mental health of others" just kind of gets... run over when it comes to Partner 3.
This often makes forming or continuing the triad dependent on the newbie being the kind of person not to ask Question 1 too hard. And when they do... the answer to "what can I do to support my mental health" is often "leave", not "continue to be in this relationship, because it is a place I have both a say and support, and is safe place to grow and experiment and explore with people who support my putting my mental health first."
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Just playing with this concept for a couple days, it's amazing to me how much better life can be if your mental health is a non-negotiable, and how much clearer the choices. And Question 2 seems to limit options in a good way with interactions- perhaps limiting potential drama.
This seems so OBVIOUS in retrospect- but not what was modeled to me, for sure, so I think I need to be gentle with myself with my blind spot.
Something to come up a lot is the whole "what are boundaries" question.
i came across a definition the other day that I loved, from the website "out of the fog".
Part of the reason i love it is the implication of the fact that there is a mental health map out there to be discovered- that act on it or not, there's an objective if personal reality.
Part of the reason i love it is the implication that you can and should at all times make decisions that keep your mental health in mind and better it.
I grew up with an "ignore your mental health" type mindset.
You all can see from my threads where that has gotten me
Not that I didn't rebel- but this week is the first week I have embraced it's opposite.
When you ask the question (Question 1), "what - in this moment - would be best for my mental health, short term and long term?" - a lot becomes clear, including rights, responsibilities to yourself, etc.
I think if you add on Question 2 "and in what way can I keep myself in the "good mental health zone" and also be present with others/support others in their quests" you might have a recipe for good parenting/community building/relating.
I think this partly explains why there is a disproportionate amount of awful feeling experiences with add-on triads, especially involving beginners.
In the typical ill-fated add-on triad, the original couple is taking actions that do involve choices good for their mental health. And those of their original partner. So it feels like good self-care and good community building all in one. But question 2- "how can I/we also make my/our actions support the mental health of others" just kind of gets... run over when it comes to Partner 3.
This often makes forming or continuing the triad dependent on the newbie being the kind of person not to ask Question 1 too hard. And when they do... the answer to "what can I do to support my mental health" is often "leave", not "continue to be in this relationship, because it is a place I have both a say and support, and is safe place to grow and experiment and explore with people who support my putting my mental health first."
------------
Just playing with this concept for a couple days, it's amazing to me how much better life can be if your mental health is a non-negotiable, and how much clearer the choices. And Question 2 seems to limit options in a good way with interactions- perhaps limiting potential drama.
This seems so OBVIOUS in retrospect- but not what was modeled to me, for sure, so I think I need to be gentle with myself with my blind spot.