Boundaries

1234567

New member
This is a spin off thread from the "friends as exes".

Something to come up a lot is the whole "what are boundaries" question.

i came across a definition the other day that I loved, from the website "out of the fog".

Part of the reason i love it is the implication of the fact that there is a mental health map out there to be discovered- that act on it or not, there's an objective if personal reality.

Part of the reason i love it is the implication that you can and should at all times make decisions that keep your mental health in mind and better it.

I grew up with an "ignore your mental health" type mindset.

You all can see from my threads where that has gotten me ;)

Not that I didn't rebel- but this week is the first week I have embraced it's opposite.

When you ask the question (Question 1), "what - in this moment - would be best for my mental health, short term and long term?" - a lot becomes clear, including rights, responsibilities to yourself, etc.

I think if you add on Question 2 "and in what way can I keep myself in the "good mental health zone" and also be present with others/support others in their quests" you might have a recipe for good parenting/community building/relating.

I think this partly explains why there is a disproportionate amount of awful feeling experiences with add-on triads, especially involving beginners.

In the typical ill-fated add-on triad, the original couple is taking actions that do involve choices good for their mental health. And those of their original partner. So it feels like good self-care and good community building all in one. But question 2- "how can I/we also make my/our actions support the mental health of others" just kind of gets... run over when it comes to Partner 3.

This often makes forming or continuing the triad dependent on the newbie being the kind of person not to ask Question 1 too hard. And when they do... the answer to "what can I do to support my mental health" is often "leave", not "continue to be in this relationship, because it is a place I have both a say and support, and is safe place to grow and experiment and explore with people who support my putting my mental health first."

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Just playing with this concept for a couple days, it's amazing to me how much better life can be if your mental health is a non-negotiable, and how much clearer the choices. And Question 2 seems to limit options in a good way with interactions- perhaps limiting potential drama.

This seems so OBVIOUS in retrospect- but not what was modeled to me, for sure, so I think I need to be gentle with myself with my blind spot.
 
Well said 1234567 :) Love your questions. It seems I still have some work to do there.

i came across a definition the other day that I loved, from the website "out of the fog".
Can you include the definition so that we're not all running off to google?
 
This seems so OBVIOUS in retrospect- but not what was modeled to me, for sure, so I think I need to be gentle with myself with my blind spot.

Recognizing that there is a "blind spot" is a powerful insight. It may take a lot of time and practice to notice the blind spot "in the heat of the moment" and to give it the kind and gentle attention you alluded to.

You may find Kristin Neff's book on self-compassion helpful.

Book: http://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-kristin-neff/

http://self-compassion.org
 
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Sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking and have reached a conclusion that your health and well being MATTER.

I agree. A person has to put themselves first. Not in the selfish "memememe" kind of way. But in the self care way. Asking "Is this me taking good care of myself?" before undertaking things. Meeting that need first before trying to gift help to others in meeting their reasonable and rational wants and needs.

There is nothing wrong with helping. But I think there is something wrong with being SO selfless that a person puts everyone else first helping them and ignores taking care of their own selves. That's self neglect to me.

I'm sorry you didn't have better models growing up but I am glad you have made this decision now -- to value your mental health and well being more than you used to. I'm glad to hear you have decided to stop ignoring/self neglecting in the area of mental health and are trying to approach life in a healthier balance.

Galagirl
 
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Hi 1234567,

It sounds like you are taking an important step in the direction of taking care of yourself. Kudos. And you'll have a better idea of which relationships are healthy to stay in, as well as how to negotiate.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Well said 1234567 :) Love your questions. It seems I still have some work to do there.


Can you include the definition so that we're not all running off to google?

Shoot! I edited out the most important bit- lol! So much for cutting it down to improve clarity...

“Boundaries are the choices that improve or protect your mental health”.

I think it was more eloquent in the first version. But that is the missing bit.
 
:D Ha! I wondered...

Leetah
 
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