Could use some Advice

CosmicEdge

New member
Advice ; New- Poly / Monogamous pairing

Hello everyone,

So, obviously I am new to the site, and frankly, I am new to even talking about this. I came to the realization I was polyamorous a few years ago...maybe 2....In that time, someone I knew and I Have developed into an emotional bond.

We are both Navy, so we are on opposite sides of the world here. But she is, strictly, monogamous. She knows I am polyamorous, and says she accepts, it, but every time the matter comes up...it ends with her in tears. She wants to be with me, but cannot seem to come to terms with how I am.

I hate seeing her upset, and I Hate the fact that I am hurting her just by virtue of being myself...and I am conflicted on what to do.

Frankly, it seems like everyone I talk to about this looks at me like I am insane or something and I am not sure how to handle it...so I here I am. Hoping the internet can provide some insight for me.


Thank you all for your help.

Respectfully,
-Zach
 
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I'm sorry you both are struggling.

Could do the kind thing and tell her you guys cannot date any more and be together like that -- in a romantic couple relationship shape. Don't bend yourselves into pretzels.

Can only be together as friends. Then you are free TO do poly things you want, and she is free FROM poly things she does not want. And this suffering can stop.

It's a bummer. And yet not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner. That is what dating is for. To help you sort out who is initially compatible... and later on who is deeply compatible.

Galagirl
 
The thing is, we are not actually dating yet. Due to the nature of us being in the military and so far apart, neither of us want to do the long distance thing, due to past experience.

I am afraid it will end up with us having to be just friends, but I am hoping to avoid that...hence my questioning here.
 
Thank you for clarifying.

I'm not sure what else to tell you. I don't think trying to force a thing to happen will work because you aren't even out of the starting gate and it already pinches. :(

Galagirl
 
Yeah....

The trouble is, I honestly have hard enough time finding friends, much less finding people who have a romantic interest...and even further, someone who is willing to try and deal with the polyamory thing.

I am pretty new to even talking about this so it is all pretty...unfamiliar territory.
 
I apologize if I was unclear, powepuffgirl....

The long distance aspect of it is the only thing keeping us from actually being officially a couple. She has, in the past, had infidelity troubles with it, and I personally, do not ever see them work so we agreed to not put a label on it right now.

We have a strong enough emotional connection, it is just this one point that brings us to a rather large roadblock that I was seeking clarification on.

I appreciate your opinion, but the distance part of this is kind of a non-factor for the actual question herein.
 
You have a long distance thing, you have a polyamory thing....

Have you ever even met this woman? Is there any chance you will be stationed near each other and really start to date? Is there any chance of a real in person relationship, like, ever?

If the answer is no, or, there is no way of knowing, I am not sure... monogamy seems pointless. Why be mono with a woman (or her with you), when it's just a pen-pal, cyber thing? I mean, if you have no other options for romantic connection, emotional support, "sex" (cyber-sex), I guess it's up to you and her. Is this LDR thing with (as far as I can tell) no future of in person relating, worth it to both of you?

Sometimes cyber things seem great, but if and when you meet in person, they are not so great. Do either of you want to push away real in person dating for this penpal "thing" with an uncertain future? Sounds romantic in an old fashioned way. Is it enough?
 
The trouble is, I honestly have hard enough time finding friends, much less finding people who have a romantic interest...and even further, someone who is willing to try and deal with the polyamory thing.

I'm sorry you are maybe lonely and have trouble conneting with others where you are stationed.

If it were me with her in these shoes? I don't think swapping one kind of trouble for another is the answer.

She was willing to try to deal with the poly thing. She is now in pain because it turns out... she can't.

If this little bit barely out of the starting gate bugs her THAT much? I could do the kind and loving thing and let it go so her suffering ends sooner rather than later. How much more will it pinch when I do start dating another person? It sucks for me too -- given that it's hard to even find willing partners. But I know they have to be willing AND able for it to work out in the end.

You have to make up your own mind about it though. I am not you.

Galagirl
 
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Heya, CosmicEdge, welcome aboard!!

You may have noticed that some folks around here -- me, for instance :D --can come across as quite direct, even painfully so. This is generally NOT done from any sort of meanness, but because we very much want most everyone to do well with their relationships, to find their own path to real happiness, & to improve the lives of others.

Well, that sounds kinda heartsy-flowery :eek: but it's generally accurate.

So if it seems like people are just getting in your face to prove you wrong, it's much more likely to be all intended to good.
________________

Back in the '80s, my ex was Army Reserve, yet it wasn't unusual that she'd have to head out for a month or six for some sort of specialized training. I had my lovers, & she might form a relationship or two for the duration of her program, maybe with a "geographical bachelor" -- monogamous at home, unattached (or maybe monogamous with someone else) away. We missed each other when she was away, but it wasn't like we were particularly lonely. Polyamory worked really well all around.

I hope you'll go into detail (probably in a new thread) how it is you "realized" you were polyamorous, like your actual experience with maintaining multiple intimate relationships. This might help us understand how it is that you are poly yet clearly want so badly to "be a couple."
 
Mary, the woman in my sig, is mostly monogamous. Because of this we have a relationship that is deeper than friendship, yet less than a full blown committed relationship. She could never handle a relationship with me being poly. We have naturally become what we are. No need to force her to be poly or me to be mono. That is what you should shoot for.
 
Thank you all for taking the time to speak with me about this. I am going to go person by person and reply here, so bear with me.

Magdlyn--- yes, we were stationed together previously which is where this all started. She had also flown out to visit me 2 times in the past---once in WA and the other in NM. I get out in 2 years, so I am able to pretty much go wherever I want, so there is a good chance for us to be together. IF we can make it last these next 2 years.

Galagirl---Yeah, that's what I've been dealing with. This, here on this website was kind of my last ditch effort to see if anyone had any practical advice for how to handle it besides ending it.

Ravenscroft---I understand, candor is important in such matters...some things should be clear cut. I am similar in my approach to many things. As for how I came to realize it...I guess I Could start a new thread to discuss it. I am not sure if it would make a difference though ahah

Vinsanity-----that is the question I am trying to breach here; I am glad you replied. How did she come to that? A typical person seems to struggle with jealousy ALOT, and it does not make sense to me. I mean...I get it ,but I cannot relate. I want her to be happy, and she has put herself in the situation where she feels she would be happiest with me, but it would kind of be like sitting with her arm in the fire. I want to help her get through the jealousy, because in all likelihood, I wouldn't even find another paramour...(My personality is somewhat difficult to adjust to for most people) But for her, the idea of it, at least right now, is too much to handle.

Could you please explain the dynamic of how your relationship with Mary works? It might give some insight.


Again, thank you all for replying and attempting to help me out. I appreciate it.
 
A typical person seems to struggle with jealousy ALOT, and it does not make sense to me. I mean...I get it ,but I cannot relate. I want her to be happy, and she has put herself in the situation where she feels she would be happiest with me, but it would kind of be like sitting with her arm in the fire.

You seem to recognize that is not good and she could not do that to herself. And if you see her doing it? You could get her out of the fire.

I want to help her get through the jealousy, because in all likelihood, I wouldn't even find another paramour...(My personality is somewhat difficult to adjust to for most people) But for her, the idea of it, at least right now, is too much to handle.

It doesn't matter if YOU want to help her get through the jealousy. At this time? She's not able to handle that work.

Imagine several "toggles." Which ones are "on" for her? Which ones are "on" for you?

  • Monoamorous = I want to love 1 sweetie.

  • Monogamous = my fav relationship shape is 1:1. Just those two people. Nobody else in the network.

  • Relationship shape flexible -- I can do either one. Monogamous or Polygamous or...

  • Polygamous = my fav relationship shape is more than two people in the network. Be it a V, a quad, a network, MFM, MMM, FMF, FFF, or whatever other combos... but more than two people in the network.

  • Polyamorous = I want to love more than 1 sweetie.

If she is monoamorous (love 1 sweetie) + relationship shape flexible? It might work. Like a being an end point of a "V" where you are the shared sweetie. She has her 1 sweetie, and the shape doesn't bug her.

But if she is monoamorous (love 1 sweetie) + monogamous (only want 1:1 relationships) and she's bending herself into pretzels to fit a shape she's just not into? Just to gain access to you? She's not gonna be happy doing that long term. Eventually resentment will build because she's going against her own grain. Why force it when there's a relationship shape called (friends) that might fit you both better?

What about you? If you are polyamorous + relationship flexible? Then maybe you could be a poly person in a Closed relationship consisting of just 2 people. You plus her. If she becomes willing to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings so it is Open enough for you and you don't have to hide who you are inside. And you don't see anyone else so it is Closed enough for her.

But if you are polyamorous + polygamous? Bending yourself into pretzels to be in a Closed thing when you really don't want to be doing that shape? Just to gain access to her? You are not gonna be happy doing that long term. Eventually resentment will build because you are going against your own grain. Why force it when there's a relationship shape called (friends) that might fit you both better?

If this is not meant to be a long term thing? It's a short term thing with a set date for ending? Like a summer romance ends at the end of the summer? Or a school romance ends at graduation? Then maybe that could work. You both enjoy it for what it is, and when the parting date rolls around you part ways amicably. The difference don't pinch as much because you both know this has a set end point. But I'm not sure you guys are talking about that. That could be an option if you both can handle a limited time relationship like that. Some people cannot.

So... I guess you both could do some soul searching and think about what toggles you are talking about here exactly.

I could be wrong, But to me? She sounds (monoamorous and monogamous).

You sound (polyamorous and polygamous). Frustration and loneliness has you thinking about settling for not quite the right fit just to have someone, ANYONE.

Which might be ok in the short run, but really isn't good in the long run.

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket, ok? :eek: I'm saying to really think and tread carefully. There's plenty of posts here from people who jump in blind and then end up burned because they didn't stop to think these sorts of things out ahead of time.

Love alone is not enough. Attraction alone is not enough. There has to be a lot of other things than that to create a healthy, sustainable relationship. Things like similar values, similar life goals, respect, trust, honesty....

If you guys aren't being honest with yourselves about your toggles? Trying to MAKE things line up? Compromising your values? I don't see how you can practice honesty with each each other if you are not already doing it with your own selves. I do not think that is a strong foundation for starting a relationship of any shape.... when people start by going against their own grain.

Galagirl
 
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That actually helps explain things quite a bit. Thank you for the help, Galagirl. I'll talk to her about it and try and see where we stand.
 
Glad it helped some. I hope the talk goes well and you both honestly assess where this is best at.

Galagirl
 
Vinsanity-----that is the question I am trying to breach here; I am glad you replied. How did she come to that? A typical person seems to struggle with jealousy ALOT, and it does not make sense to me. I mean...I get it ,but I cannot relate. I want her to be happy, and she has put herself in the situation where she feels she would be happiest with me, but it would kind of be like sitting with her arm in the fire. I want to help her get through the jealousy, because in all likelihood, I wouldn't even find another paramour...(My personality is somewhat difficult to adjust to for most people) But for her, the idea of it, at least right now, is too much to handle.

Could you please explain the dynamic of how your relationship with Mary works? It might give some insight.

Mary is very conventional. Society says we should be mono and she buys into that. She says she only believes in committed relationships. She does not grasp the concept of multiple commitments when it comes to relationships. She is in a bad marriage but does her best to keep up appearances. She would leave him but doesn't want to be alone. Her preference would be to be with me, but I cannot promise monogamy.

So we have an emotionally intimate relationship. It is mostly non-sexual. I say mostly because there is a gray area in her mind as to what constitutes sex. Her husband knows I exist. He does not consent to her having sex outside the marriage. We talk every day. I see her when I am in her area. We have plans to vacation together in September.

She is not particularly jealous. We were both married when we reconnected (we had a relationship in the past). My wife has since passed away. I'm not sure how she would react if I entered into another committed relationship. I think she is hoping I will eventually change my mind. At the same time she knows I'm not going to dump her for somebody else. She is slowly coming around to accepting I am poly, but doesn't see it for herself at all.

Me? I'm fine without a nesting partner so I don't worry about having to bend myself into a shape that fits into her way of thinking. At my age I have to be true to myself. If she decides she can handle a true poly relationship she is welcome to move in. She knows that.
 
Greetings Zach,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It's possible that this woman you love can get used to the idea of poly in the future, she might just need some time. Part of it might be familiarity, or, fear of the unknown. She could actually get some familiarity with poly if she joined/explored this forum. Another approach might be, introducing her to the idea that humans tend to want nonmonogamy. There is a book she might want to read, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. Possibly you might want to read it first.

You will of course have to be patient with her, she probably won't warm up to poly quickly. You'll both have to be patient with the learning process. If you decide to continue with her (and it sounds like you will). I hope Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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