A typical person seems to struggle with jealousy ALOT, and it does not make sense to me. I mean...I get it ,but I cannot relate. I want her to be happy, and she has put herself in the situation where she feels she would be happiest with me, but it would kind of be like sitting with her arm in the fire.
You seem to recognize that is not good and she could not do that to herself. And if you see her doing it? You could get her out of the fire.
I want to help her get through the jealousy, because in all likelihood, I wouldn't even find another paramour...(My personality is somewhat difficult to adjust to for most people) But for her, the idea of it, at least right now, is too much to handle.
It doesn't matter if YOU want to help her get through the jealousy. At this time? She's not
able to handle that work.
Imagine several "toggles." Which ones are "on" for her? Which ones are "on" for you?
- Monoamorous = I want to love 1 sweetie.
- Monogamous = my fav relationship shape is 1:1. Just those two people. Nobody else in the network.
- Relationship shape flexible -- I can do either one. Monogamous or Polygamous or...
- Polygamous = my fav relationship shape is more than two people in the network. Be it a V, a quad, a network, MFM, MMM, FMF, FFF, or whatever other combos... but more than two people in the network.
- Polyamorous = I want to love more than 1 sweetie.
If she is
monoamorous (love 1 sweetie) + relationship shape flexible? It might work. Like a being an end point of a "V" where you are the shared sweetie. She has her 1 sweetie, and the shape doesn't bug her.
But if she is
monoamorous (love 1 sweetie) + monogamous (only want 1:1 relationships) and she's bending herself into pretzels to fit a shape she's just not into? Just to gain access to you? She's not gonna be happy doing that long term. Eventually resentment will build because she's going against her own grain. Why force it when there's a relationship shape called
(friends) that might fit you both better?
What about you? If you are
polyamorous + relationship flexible? Then maybe you could be a poly person in a Closed relationship consisting of just 2 people. You plus her. If she becomes willing to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings so it is Open enough for you and you don't have to hide who you are inside. And you don't see anyone else so it is Closed enough for her.
But if you are
polyamorous + polygamous? Bending yourself into pretzels to be in a Closed thing when you really don't want to be doing that shape? Just to gain access to her? You are not gonna be happy doing that long term. Eventually resentment will build because you are going against your own grain. Why force it when there's a relationship shape called
(friends) that might fit you both better?
If this is not meant to be a long term thing? It's a short term thing with a set date for ending? Like a summer romance ends at the end of the summer? Or a school romance ends at graduation? Then maybe that could work. You both enjoy it for what it is, and when the parting date rolls around you part ways amicably. The difference don't pinch as much because you both know this has a set end point. But I'm not sure you guys are talking about that. That could be an option if you both can handle a limited time relationship like that. Some people cannot.
So... I guess you both could do some soul searching and think about what toggles you are talking about here exactly.
I could be wrong, But to me? She sounds
(monoamorous and monogamous).
You sound
(polyamorous and polygamous). Frustration and loneliness has you thinking about settling for not quite the right fit just to have someone, ANYONE.
Which might be ok in the short run, but really isn't good in the long run.
I'm not trying to be a wet blanket, ok?
I'm saying
to really think and tread carefully. There's plenty of posts here from people who jump in blind and then end up burned because they didn't stop to think these sorts of things out ahead of time.
Love alone is not enough. Attraction alone is not enough. There has to be a lot of other things than that to create a healthy, sustainable relationship. Things like similar values, similar life goals, respect, trust, honesty....
If you guys aren't being honest with yourselves about your toggles? Trying to MAKE things line up? Compromising your values? I don't see how you can practice honesty with each each other if you are not already doing it with your own selves. I do not think that is a strong foundation for starting a relationship of any shape.... when people start by going against their own grain.
Galagirl