Broken triad

Socks32

New member
Hi everyone. I'm hoping for some advice on my current situation. Right now I'm in a fantastic FMF triad. I've been with our boyfriend 9 years and we have been with our girlfriend for almost 2. We've had issues along the way to work through along the way but we've always come out the other side stronger.

The issue now is our girlfriend wants kids. Our boyfriend and I have two children together from before we met our girlfriend and Indo not want to carry any more, though I have no objection to helping raise more children. I have said however she wants to go about having a baby, I'll be there to support her and help where it's wanted, but she's just recently told me that she doesn't want to be part of a triad with a baby. She wants to be in a monogamous relationship with a man that 'is all hers' I'm devastated. I really love her and I know our boyfriend does too. It feels like we've been used as a stop gap till she finds what she really wants. I understand people change, needs and wants evolve or change completely, but it's hard to deal with. Especially when she said she knew going in that she wanted a traditional mononormative family, but didn't tell us that.

I'm not looking for advice on how to change her mind or anything like that, just on how to deal with this now. Part of me wants to break it off now rather than wait till she does and go back to just me and my boyfriend.
 
Hello Socks32,

Considering that your girlfriend was not honest with you, I think you would be justified in breaking up with her at this time. I would think it would be more painful to remain with her, knowing you are just a stopgap to her. Plus you would still have the pain of a breakup looming over you somewhere in the future. Might as well get that part over with. But, ultimately, only you can determine what would or would not be more painful. I am just offering some food for thought.

I'm sorry you find yourself caught in this difficult situation. I hope there will be a time of healing for you, not too far into the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Especially when she said she knew going in that she wanted a traditional mononormative family, but didn't tell us that.

That wasn't very honest or forthright of her.

I could understand you feeling like you were used as "stop gap" til she found what she really wanted.

Part of me wants to break it off now rather than wait till she does and go back to just me and my boyfriend.

If you prefer to end things now with her rather than later? That's your choice.

BF ending it with her is his choice.

So even if you want to be "just me and my BF" be prepared if it ends up (you break up with her now) and (he wants to keep going with her for now.)

Then you have to decide if you want to be in a "V" thing like that or not.

It sounds like you don't want to be in a triad any more. So one way or another the triad part is ending. What happens next -- a V thing, back to you and him as a couple and her single, or everyone single or something else... that remains to be decided.

Galagirl
 
Right now I'm in a fantastic FMF triad. I've been with our boyfriend 9 years and we have been with our girlfriend for almost 2. We've had issues along the way to work through along the way but we've always come out the other side stronger. ....

....
I'm not looking for advice on how to change her mind or anything like that, just on how to deal with this now. Part of me wants to break it off now rather than wait till she does and go back to just me and my boyfriend.

How did the 3 of you come to be in this relationship ??? Was this an advertised position that was filled off a dating site ? Or something more natural ?
How old is your GF ? And how loud is she hearing the biological clock ticking

How to deal ?? depends on how bad you want the remaining time and what type of relationship that will follow. Feelings of betrayal are a very corrosive force.
 
Depending on your gf's previous life experience, she may not have known exactly what she wanted, before.

If she did, but just chose not to tell you and your other partner, then that was very deceptive of her and if it were me, I'm not sure I'd want to remain in a relationship with someone who I felt was just using me.

Tell me, do you think there's a part of her that may be angling to have your shared boyfriend be the father of her child - which, given her wish for a "mononormative" family structure moving forward, may mean she's looking to edge you out of the picture. I'm not suggesting this IS the case... but "cowgirling" wouldn't be altogether unheard of.
 
Thank you for the replies.
Right now bf doesn't even want to talk to her, let alone be around her. Kids were talked about in the abstract roughly a year ago and he said he was open to having more if they both wanted them. When I say part of me wants to go back to being just him and me, he freaked out and suggested it and I've been tempted to take him up on it. I know it's a freakout and he may well change his mind, it's just all a bit of a mess.

Dingedheart - she's 28 and we all met at a music festival. Bf has always been poly but previously had been in v type relationships. It's not something we planned at all and I doubt I'd have considered it if we hadn't met her.

Lunabunny - I don't think she was angling to get bf to herself, she's never tried to push me out of anything. To me it feels more like we were a fling to make her happy while she searched for her white picket fence.
 
Hi Socks, and I'm sorry you're struggling.

It usually pays off not to jump onto assumptions about deception. I think for most people it's hard to know what we want exactly; we find a good situation, and go with the flow. But people and their needs change over time. In a sense it is good for her to be aware that her needs are changing and voice that.

The social power of the couple is very strong. Perhaps the thought of having children outside this social norm is frightening to her. For example, does the rest of her family, social circle etc. know about your triad?

I know that the prospect of losing what you have is very painful at this point, but it will most likely to take a big breath, not panic, and sit down to have a talk and really listen to each other and what each of you need.

I hope that no matter what direction things take, you can resolve it amicably.
 
I wish I was jumping to conclusions, she told bf and I she's always known what she wanted. What she actually said was having a relationship with us was fun and she wanted to experience something a little less normal before finding her normal. I can understand to a degree wanting to know what life and relationships have to offer, but she never gave either of us the chance to decide if we were happy being an experiment. She left me thinking everything was great (we were planning on buying a bigger house all together) and she left bf thinking that she'd go to him when she was ready to have children. Right now I'm trying to be the rational one, I expressed how hurt I am and that I'd like to talk more but I don't know where to go from here.

I understand there's a lot of stigma around anything considered unusual but I honestly never thought of that as a factor, all the important people in our lives know about our relationship.
 
she told bf and I she's always known what she wanted. What she actually said was having a relationship with us was fun and she wanted to experience something a little less normal before finding her normal.

Fair enough. But she didn't tell you that before going in.

I can understand to a degree wanting to know what life and relationships have to offer, but she never gave either of us the chance to decide if we were happy being an experiment.

Exactly. Didn't give you the chance to give consent to participate in an experiment from a fully informed place. So it feels user-y. It wasn't an agreement made in good faith.

Right now I'm trying to be the rational one, I expressed how hurt I am and that I'd like to talk more but I don't know where to go from here.

I think you move on to break up. Because now you know this isn't what she wants permanently. And now you are feeling blah towards her for the lack of honesty. Why drag it out? You could tell her you hope in future relationships she's more honest with her people from the beginning. Because what hurts isn't things having to end as much as realizing she wasn't entirely honest all this time. Then just end it. And not talk any more.

It sucks that she wasn't more forthcoming from the start so this could be a good parting like "Ok, the experiment time we all agreed on is over. We all have to move on now." One of those bittersweet/sweet things that could be enjoyable. And/or one that could transition into being good exes and friends.

Here it sounds like it is just going to be this "blaaaaah" kind of parting with hurt feelings from the lack of honesty. I don't think trying to be friends with her later is a good idea. And I don't think I could call this a "good ex."

Me? I rather not drag all that out. I'd cut losses and move on. If I haver to linger, I rather linger in the healing time rather than the dragging it out space.

I guess for you... if you take up another relationship like this again? Talk about how you want to break up if things have to break up ahead of time. So it has a chance of being a good parting instead of mess like this. But again... it presumes the people involved can be honest/up front from the beginning. :/

I'm really sorry this ended up this way. :(

Galagirl
 
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I wish I was jumping to conclusions, she told bf and I she's always known what she wanted. What she actually said was having a relationship with us was fun and she wanted to experience something a little less normal before finding her normal. I can understand to a degree wanting to know what life and relationships have to offer, but she never gave either of us the chance to decide if we were happy being an experiment.

It does indeed suck. This sort of "reveal" is actually quite common in situations where one party may be experimenting with their sexuality - say, lesbianism or bisexuality - but neglect to make it clear to their lover that that's where their head is at.

While it is common and even understandable to want to experiment and try on different relationship styles, or not be *sure* how one feels... the sucky part is when the experimenting party essentially pretends to BE something or someone they're not and doesn't let their "loved one" in on what they're really thinking until they're in too deep.

There are several variations on such deceptions (whether pre-conceived or otherwise). For example, when I first met Jester, he didn't tell me he was sexually involved with another woman. Sure, they weren't in a serious, committed relationship, but in most people's book, lying by omission is still lying. Luckily I found out early enough in his and my relationship that we were able to talk it out and work through it.

You have not fared as well, I'm sorry to hear. :( Your girlfriend should have clued you and your boyfriend in regarding her mindset and life plan - or at least given you a head's up about not being entirely sure your current situation was one she could commit to long-term. Instead, she let you both believe she was in it for the long haul.

Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are not misplaced and it will take time to heal from this. I agree with GalaGirl that it'd be in your best interests NOT to drag out the inevitable break-up. The sooner you accept what's happened and start the healing process, the better it'll be for everyone concerned.


I understand there's a lot of stigma around anything considered unusual but I honestly never thought of that as a factor, all the important people in our lives know about our relationship.

As touched on above, it's possible your girlfriend is uncomfortable with some aspect of either:

- Polyamory (within her own self, or more likely, as it pertains to raising a child within the lifestyle).
- Same-sex relationships. She's "tried it", found it fun for a while, but now wishes to revert to a mono-normative straight relationship with a long term partner who will father her potential children.
- The relationship with either you or your boyfriend. (It is just possible, albeitn unlikely, that she is unhappy in the relationship/s, but thinks breaking up with just one of you would be too difficult/painful so she's using an excuse to part ways.)

If gf is SURE she wants to birth and raise a child in a monogamous relationship, that is her choice. As you say, it's useless to try and change her mind since she's made it quite clear (finally) that this has always been her goal.

Cut your losses quickly... try to part ways as amicably as you can... then work on the healing process. It may take some time before you or bf can fully trust someone again.
 
It’s quite possible she started with reservations, as all relationships thatxare unconventional or stretchy do. NRE got her considering possibilities she never did- and that she is now getting cold feet. It sounds like she was considering you as coparents in good faith at one time, and now has decided that wonMr work.

The only thing you CAN do if you want to continue (which you might not) is to make being with you all for childrearing appealing. Making sure you have plenty of space for her to express needs and wants and go after them, even when it means uprooting change. Making sure that ideas and changes that she brings are welcomed. That things are on her terms as much as either of yours- and more than the old couple’s terms.

That there is room for her future kids’ needs - and that a future kid would be treasured and welcomed and cherished into your group and not secondary but as much a forming part of your identity as a group as your own were with you.

If you can’t offer that— she might be right in breaking up. Not that you two are unhealthy- but maybe not the ideal environment to be a parent and raise kids in.

If you can soul search and have no room for improvement there, then it was an experiment, but maybe one in good faith. All relationships are; ones involving existing relationships doubly so. There’s a lot of risk in joining something established rather than building from scratch. And probably in having someone join you.

I know I had fantasies of a big happy family when I was dating as a triad (I had 2 small kids.) We talked about it and tried to make it work- but in reality, the environment was entirely unsuitable to parent well in, and all the love in the world couldn’t have changed that. It was worth trying. And still a very happy time looking back. Worth doing. (But also- worth ending at the year mark, when most triads seem to end, when reality rears it’s head a bit.).

There is nothing like triad love. I think you’ll be glad you had this, even if it ends. All of us still look back at our days with nostalgia- and if you can see the complexity from her side, it might help the transition.
 
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