New Energy Jealousy

Hi TreeBeard19,

I have not had the experience of having a partner have NRE for someone else. I have only had NRE myself. And when I did, I'm sorry to say, I didn't handle it well. Perhaps knowing that I goofed up with NRE would help me to have some empathy for my partner's having NRE. I'd like to think that I'd handle it fine, but who knows.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I just feel like all of a sudden I have been benched. As I see them together I have some moments of compersion. However the majority of that time is spent remembering what it was like to have that energy and wondering why it went away and how to get it back. So far talking to her about trying to share some of that energy as well to help me remember that I'm still wanted, it isn't working so far. She gravitates to him and then when he is gone if she isn't focused on US then there is no energy. It goes right back to being a commonplace marriage.
 
I am thinking that NRE is a one-way trip, once it's gone that's it. However, a marriage can still be alive and healthy, I think one of the keys is to schedule regular dates with each other. Dates where you don't have to worry about the day-to-day minutiae, where you can focus on each other in a relaxed setting. This focusing may be a challenge for your wife when she is high on NRE, but I believe it can be done. She can switch off her phone or at least not be texting him. It's a conscious effort.
 
We do need to make more time for dates. We have two kids so sometimes that's not easy in it's self. Mix in her partner and work and finances et. It becomes harder. That is something I do plan on working on though.
 
Treebeard, I'm sorry you're going through that. Been there, and it's called poly hell for a reason.

I think one of the challenges with NRE that is not often mentioned is not just watching your partner divert all their energy to a new partner, and the jealousy that goes with that, but wanting this same spark for yourself. It's easy to feel desexualised, like the old bore, and so on, and that is not a good place to be.

Talking is very good: it deepens understanding and a sense of companionship, and it's of course essential for agreeing on practicalities. Sadly, hot sex is so far removed from anything practical that talking doesn't seem to have any effect on that.

I've been reading Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity lately and it has some very good insights about eroticism and desire. This was something I could not initiate because of the different dynamics in our relationship (some people's libido drops sharply when they don't feel desired) but I wonder if you could pour and transform your frustrations directly in your sex life. For example, some guys who are into wifesharing (a very different deal from polyamory) talk about how hot "reclaiming sex" is. Eroticising fear, anger and jealousy might be a more therapeutic way of dealing with them than with just talking.

These are just some thoughts I had, I'm very far from having it all figured out myself!
 
Maybe it's a matter of experience. And of confusing limerence with "serious" with "permanent" -- a facet of Monogamist thinking.

My first lover, Cindy, got swept up in NRE with Doug. Of course, this cut into my time with Cindy, & I really had no interest in hearing how wonderful Doug was.

A few months in, she realized he was a self-centered jerk, & that a major draw for him was taking her away from me. She dumped him, naturally, but after apologizing to me I pointed out that my life had continued along, I was sometimes dating Audrey (casually; mostly dark beer & backgammon :)), & that I was okay with that. I expected my commitment to her to be taken seriously. Making me less-than-important might be something I would accept.

Early in my relationship with Annie, I told her this story, & said that if she changed my status in her life, her status would also change, & she might have to accept the "second-best" role she'd created for herself.
 
I am thinking that NRE is a one-way trip, once it's gone that's it.

You know, that hasn’t quite been my experience. I mean, the biochemical insanity part of NRE passes off for me, never to return (sleeplessness, obsessive thoughts, inability to eat). But the spark, focus, and joy about the very existence of a beloved rekindles for me periodically. I refer to it as “having a crush”—like I’ll say to my husband, “I have such a crush on you today.” And it was definitely a side effect of my NRE with RacingSnail last year that I had that feeling for MonkeyMan more often, because I was reminded of what that phase of a relationship feels like. I acknowledge that it doesn’t happen that way for everyone, but I wanted to mention that it is something that can happen for some people, some of the time.
 
Like Kevin, I've not had the experience of a partner having NRE for someone new. However, I have experienced a partner (for whom I still felt overwhelming NRE) go "off the boil" and cool things down considerably when it came to our relationship, without any real discussion or adequate explanation at the time.

This abrupt change of attitude toward me resulted in a lot of confusion, anxiety, lowering of my self esteem and even depression. My partner, Jester, didn't really understand why his sudden (and it WAS sudden) loss of focus/inattention affected me so badly, and made all kinds of excuses such as "no relationship can maintain that level of intensity"... and "you know I love you more than anything; I shouldn't need to prove it daily".

I admit that I suffer from anxiety at the best of times, but he put all the blame on that; feeling my "insecurity" was not serving me or our relationship well... meanwhile refusing to take any responsibility for the way his behaviour and life choices (he has substance issues) negatively affected, and almost ended, our long distance relationship.

It was only after I went into counselling, started medicating AND developed a secondary relationship (with my now co-primary Boho) due to feelings of loss/grief associated with the above, that Jester truly began to understand the impact the sudden withdrawal of love/attention/focus had had on me.

It's no fun feeling "benched", no matter what the circumstance. Treebeard, only YOU can determine what your personal limits are. Some people are lucky enough to not feel jealousy/insecurity, or to have partners who are very attuned to their needs and the changing dynamics of adding a partner, and will do whatever they can to redress the situation or make up for it in other ways. Others introduce another partner and learn to cope via trial and error - all parties making mistakes along the way.

A lot depends on the level of love and commitment that exists within the original relationship. If that dyad is/was strong, this might be a temporary setback which can be overcomes with time and work (being conscious of the pitfalls and actively seeking ways around/through them).

If, however, the new relationship came into being because the existing couple had been growing apart for some time, polyamory/NRE can either be its deathknell OR a source of reinvigoration - it depends on the individuals concerned and how much emotional labour each of you is willing to put into it. Just don't expect great things until the height of NRE has passed.
 
I'm going through it right now. 8 months into a relationship with my bf. He has, over the last few months, gotten a yen for sex with MY live-in gf/partner (of 9 years). They spend time together as friends, even alone, since I go to bed at midnight when he visits, and he often stays here and spends hours with my night owl gf alone, talking, watching TV. He took to bringing alcohol in from his car after I went to bed, hoping to relax her inhibitions. He's been pursuing her sexually, trying to touch her. He's also been recently less attentive sexually to me, less creative, not making sure I was fully satisfied, only spending 10-20 minutes on sex with me once a week, instead of several hour long sessions as I prefer and need. He provided that for the first several months, but the last 2 months it's gotten blah. He used to do kinky activities with me, but lately the only kink he seemed interested in was threeway action, despite us never being interested.

She and I definitely do not want to sexually or emotionally share my bf, or share her bf, ever again. We've tried that with very bad results in the past, with 2 different bfs of mine.

She and I have both told him we don't want this. Yet, he didn't get the message, and was becoming more and more aggressive to her (when I was in bed), and less and less into pleasing me in bed, or taking me on dates, etc.

I am feeling pretty hurt. Humiliated. Confused. Why wasn't he getting our "NO" messages? So we had to sit him down together the other night, 2 on 1, and tell him in no uncertain terms, his sexual/romantic pursuit of her was unwelcome by her, and not acceptable to me either. He seemed to be very surprised, like he hadn't gotten our former verbal messages, and her body language of moving away on the couch, moving to a chair, leaving the room.

During NRE a person can act really stupid. My bf was definitely thinking with his dick. Overlooking the negative responses of hers. The sad looks I gave him when he'd button up after yet another short unsatisfying sex session. Last week I even outright told him I wasn't satisfied after another 10 minute sex session, and just get scoffing laughter in return. I went to satisfy myself and I'd just get distant looks from him, as if it was no concern of his.

So, we had our clear communication. Now the ball is in my bf's court. I don't know what is going to happen. How will his treatment of me improve, if it does? How will he treat my gf now that there is no doubt she doesn't want any kind of sexual touching? He said he was grateful for the crystal clear communication and our respectful tone. He said he was sorry. Time will tell if he has it in him to improve. He is new to poly. I hope it was all just a misunderstanding and noob mistake. Has his desire for me disappeared with his NRE? Was he not a long term prospect after all, but just a user and adventurer, NRE junkie?

Blah! Poly hell!
 
I haven't had to deal with spouse (then bf) spending time with other women in DECADES. Back then we were not exclusive and the deal was simply "tell me if it is looking to go lover so I can make decisions about my sex health. Either continue in your network with other lovers of yours or not." We both thought that fair. He didn't get too much into who I also was seeing and I didn't get into his. We knew they existed, but we also gave each other space.

I think because we started that way, understanding each other? It's been different for us than for a couple who comes together, and then one or the other realizes they are poly AFTER they are married.

He knew all this about me well before. There's no surprises. It helps that he is mostly monoamorous (wants me as his one sweetie) but is relationship shape flexible. He doesn't care if it is monogamous or a V or whatever. So long as I'm understood and get to talk about my poly stuff when I want? I don't care if it is a V or just us or what. I'm also relationship shape flexible. It helps we both want the same things in life -- basic home and kids and jobs that are interesting enough and make enough money to pay the bills. We're not loaded, but we do ok. And to us? Average happy home is actually EXCELLENT.

I accepted that over a life time, things can change. It already has. I was single, I was dating one at a time, I was partnered, I was single, I was dating several at once, I was in a V thing, I was coupled, I got married, it was just kids, now it's kids and old people. It BEEN old people. If I'm honest? I'm sick of the old people and mostly wait for them to finish dying off so there's less on my plate. They do not call Alzheimer "the long goodbye" for nothing!

But eventually the old people will die off and no more kids. It will be ADULT kids. I will BECOME the "new old people." Just like the kids will become the "new adults." I'll be in yet ANOTHER stage of my life.

So is this that? Mourning the loss of the old married relationship? While the "new normal" is still not quite here in this new open/poly marriage relationship? Entering a different stage of your life?

We do need to make more time for dates. We have two kids so sometimes that's not easy in it's self. Mix in her partner and work and finances et. It becomes harder. That is something I do plan on working on though.

I SO much resonate with this! Right now we are SO swamped with kidcare an elders we barely have space for self care and couple care.

If he started making extra time and effort to court a new person? I'd be annoyed because I've been wait listed for a long time. How about honoring commitments in order made first? Before making NEW ones with other people? Cuz I'm here waiting still. Why's this new person get to cut the line? I don't mind sharing his attention, but I do mind being taken for granted.

Fortunately we agree about not piling on more people when we are spread too thin as it is. We are OVER-saturated.

One way we manage monthly dates ALONE without babysitters is to both take the same day off and have a daytime date so kids are off in school.

Another way is to stay up late when they go to bed and have an in house date cooking interesting things from Plated or Chefd or similar. (We like cooking together.) Or watch movies, board games, simple have some wine and converstion, etc. Take an interest in the other one, reconnect.

I also call up friends and offer to trade. I'll take their kids so they can get out, and then they take mine. That helps with the cost.

Other times we simply put the money aside and gladly PAY someone to babysit. It means the date part has to be CHEAP -- like a walk in the park and ice cream. But it is what it is. It's an investment in our remaining close and not drifting apart over time because all this other "life busy" gets in the way.

Sometimes? You have to invest in what is actually important and say "screw it!" to the rest. You pay the price of admission -- in babysitter money, in a cheaper date, in the lawn looking a mess, in the laundry piles on the sofa never put away, etc.

You value (keeping up the connection to the person) more than (keeping up with the "stuff.")

She gravitates to him and then when he is gone if she isn't focused on US then there is no energy. It goes right back to being a commonplace marriage.

I do not resonate with this. You almost sound like you expect that in a long term marriage that the people will start taking each other for granted and no longer take the time to attend to each other and maintain connection. That they stop courting. And like maybe if she wasn't dating this new dude opening your eyes to the fact that she still is capable of courting, you'd be ok just going along with the blah/meh no-more-courting marriage. Is that it? :(

I've been married for decades BECAUSE we keep attending to each other and we do keep courting. If it went stale? I'd stop being married. I'm not going to stay in a marriage that is spiritually dead just going through the motions.

If her NRE thing is holding up a mirror to show that neither of you has been attending to the marriage's health? Maybe you guys could talk about that.

  • Is it that you got lost amid the life busy and need to reconnect and both want to try? (repair/replenish)
  • Is the NRE fine, but she's all gushing la-las and you prefer her not to gush at you with that stuff? So you need new personal boundaries? (reorganize)
  • Is it that one/both have just been phoning it in for a long time and not really vested in the marriage all that much any more? (acknowledge and finish parting)
  • Is it something else? (???)

I encourage you to talk and find out.

One of the things poly does is shine a light on all the existing cracks. One seen?

I think it's either recommit and do the repairing, replenishing, and/or reorganizing of boundaries and work to strengthen the relationship. Or accept it's going meh, nobody has the energy to revive it, and finish breaking apart.

Galagirl
 
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