In the garden

That which began this journey here ended yesterday.

Golf/Sir had tried to give me enough of his time, but failed repeatedly. So I told him I would be asking for no more of it.

He didn't have time for me to call and tell him this. So I texted him. I hid it behind me taking up a second job for a while. But he knew it was an end. He knew because I felt it when he read the text.

(if you want to read my morose prose on this, you can find me on Fetlife as Evienz).

So one of the strongest connections I've ever had I have to let wane into... ugh, I shudder at the word... insignificance - but that is what it will have to eventually become. A memory. Not a part of my daily, weekly, life. Not something I can enjoy now. The little time we had has passed. But it's not a surprise. At least not for me.

But my journey here isn't completely over. Universe Fan is a wonderful friend and his wife chats with me on twitter quite often. Miracles can happen lol.

And to follow on from that, in case anyone missed it elsewhere... I'm no threat to anyone's marriage, mostly because I'm VERY HAPPY IN MINE, and partly because I'M IN NEW ZEALAND and too broke to go anywhere lol
(yeah, in far, far bigger part the first one).

So a new journey begins. I don't know where it will go. But Adam is by my side every step of the way.

Aroha... Aloha

Evie
 
So for the last little while, Fetlife has become my social media of choice. Enough so that I've switched off my facebook, and well, I've not been around here either.

Gosh what a journey it's been, both in person and online.

There have been a few false starts with getting to know people, but I've basically got three new relationships underway all at once. I'm fucking nuts!

Tig is an erotic hypnotist in Arizona, we talk and trance on Skype. He's kind and loving and leads me on incredible journeys.

Art is a local friend who wants more than I do right now, but I tend to have afternoon tea with him once a week (Tuesdays) at least until I secure a new job. Plus Adam and I can go hang out with him and his lovely wife and do social things with interesting conversation.

And then, well then... there's a sadist. We'll call him Mike. I met Mike on the first munch Adam and I went to. There's been some challenges along the way already, but he's now, um, taken me on. Although we've had very limited in person time so far. He's also got many new local connections at the moment - he's been stretching his wings a lot lately - so I'm a little flattered that he also has time for me. He's got a longer term connection in up state New York who I absolutely adore too. The network is expanding!

And.... we bought a house! We get the keys on Friday. Wheeeeeeeee.
 
Whoa! Hey! Bought a house, that is big news, congratulations!

The rest sounds like a lot of fun, too! I'm on and off with fetlife, but I'm sure I'd be on there a lot more if I were open to new connections right now.

Ask your erotic hypnosis friend if he knows "GirlFriday" aka Reecy. She's big in the US ero-hypno community. She's been helping to facilitate and organize WEEHU (Western Erotic Hypnosis Unconference) for a long time! She's also a wandering ukulele player and a huge Doctor Who fan.

I adore that woman!! In fact I'd go so far as to say that most of my interest in erotic hypnosis is related to my desire to support her endeavors, if only by increasing the turnout by one...
 
Thanks for your reply, Spork. Tig is a bit of a lone wolf on the EH front, so no, he didn't know GirlFriday.

Buying the house was the beginning of the end of things kink for me overall. It was still too far away for Mike to visit, so he ramped things up with one of the lasses a lot more local to him.

It's also a classic kiwi small 3 bedroom 1960s weatherboard cottage (about 100 square metres - I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here on conversions, that and I'm too lazy right now) so trancing when Adam is home is not doable. He can hear too much. Plus other subtleties that headphones won't solve.

Art is still as persistent as ever but is also such a major supportive person in my life right now that I'm grateful, at least most of the time haha. Sometimes he sends emails that test my patience but we get on great in person. I've started pillioning on his bike. And we can talk for hours. He's accepted I'm not attracted to him.

I still hear from Golf. He wasn't actually prepared to let me go when I walked away... in a nice way, not a stalkery way. So I've seen him a couple of times since. Last time wasn't actually so great, so we'll see what happens next. It'll be months at best.

I put out feelers with a new online person, but the time zone is a bitch so that's currently going nowhere fast.

And UF owes me food porn.... (Yes, you).

As for the rest of life, I've been working out of town for about a month. And I've loved it. I've been kinda relief teaching at a high school until the permanent teacher arrived. Actually when I was hired they didn't even have a permanent teacher lined up so at first this was going to possibly be a longer term gig. But she was an 11th hour applicant, and absolutely fantastic, so it's been lovely just getting the kids up to speed before the handover. Today was my official last day, and they gave me flowers in assembly. If I don't have another job by May they already want me back for long term relief (3 weeks). I'll probably go do teacher training next year. It's too late now (the semester started 4 weeks ago) in less people with more power than me pull strings.

I'll be back before May, however, to help out with the school show. I am a lighting designer and enjoy teaching kids about theatre lighting too.

But to jump topics again, in many ways, kink for me has been a failure. Or one failure after another. And so I've pretty much given up. Because I adore it when I'm living my preferred role, but it's simply unsustainable. It imbalances our lives too much. I'm so sad without it, but it's too late now. Mike was the only top I really cared about exploring physical kink with, and he's just too out of reach.

So, time to regroup and move on. With Adam. Back to basics. And anyway, sooner or later, I'm going to be a real teacher, so probably best that in this sodding village that is NZ that I don't get caught anywhere compromising.

Arohanui
Evie
 
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We all have to go back to the basics at some point Evie.

So sorry about all the losses. But hey! The new house, and having adam and the jobs all sounds like real positives! :eek:

I'm rooting for you over here that you are able to find someone local. Though I hear you about keeping a squeaky clean reference. Is it alright if I add you on Fetlife?
 
Well hello blog, long time no see.

And gosh has life ebbed and flowed since then.

I see my last entry and things were fading with Mike. It had its moments still, after that, and was a fairly intense communication for a while, but tapered off to a sporadic friendship with the occasional play session, usually online. Sometimes living 50 minutes away from someone is simply insurmountable. I also discovered a gross incompatibility in in-person aftercare needs. Also, at the end of the day, he really just wasn't that into me, especially once he had cemented the relationship with the 5 minutes away sub. Oh well, I had a very good friendship there for a while and he was a great mentor in kink.

Golf still fills me in on his news once in a while, so I know in general that his life is going well with his partner and business.

Chalk visited Adam and I the other week. It was fun catching up with our old mate.

Life goes on for Adam and I. I'm studying this year for a career change to secondary school maths teacher. I spent last year doing the job on a Limited Authority and loved it enough that I wanted to get qualified so I can keep doing it. Even better, I got a scholarship to do it :D

I had another relationship last year starting in July. It was full on to the point that I was endeavouring to spend 50/50 time between Adam and him. (Adam was spending the weekends I was away with his gf, so it worked out most of the time). But despite that bf saying he was ok with me being married, what he wasn't ok with was me not being at his beck and call. His abandonment issues (which manifested with his adult and near adult kids, too) and the substance use that went with them were insurmountable for me. I ended things in November.

Adam and Sis are just coming up for their one year anniversary :) (I call her Sis because we all met through Fetlife, and metamours as well as all sorts of varieties of relationships get called Sister).

And then there's Lance. I met him on Fet too, almost when I first joined, and we were peripheral friends for ages, then a bit more chatting, then a little bit of Skype, then regularish Skype, throw in a bit of supportive D/s rule stuff (I'm the s), some chats about desired shared scenes, a planned trip as much as an ailing pup could allow, and now... he's met Jen and they're seriously keen to work towards being nesting partners. The only thing that's really changed for me as of right now is the trip he was going to make to visit me. Well, that and I'm totally ignoring the rules right now :eek: We're going to have to have a few more heart to hearts, and things will probably keep changing because that's life, but it's just a little raw right now to try and hash out stuff we don't even know. Watch this space.
 
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Last night at the munch, Sis was openly making out with someone we didn't know she was intimate with. Because it wasn't the time or place, we still don't know how intimate she is with him, but Adam will ask her on Monday when they have their next date.

But wow, what a way for him to find out. He's stoic so it doesn't seem to be bothering him much, but I'm rather miffed that that's how she chose to alert us to the possibility that she's maybe (planning on?) sleeping with this guy. It's also quite possibly going to be a deal breaker as his polycule are hsv2 positive.
 
Adam was out of sorts all Sunday, but we were working with Shakespeare on my show (I'm a lighting designer) and then there was beer for all, and lastly dinner for Adam and I. He did really well not spilling his mood everywhere.

So he asked Sis about her behaviour on Saturday night, and yes, she's been dating new guy for about two weeks but no sex yet. Apparently she'd been cosy with him at the munch before we arrived but then her circulation to us and then Maiya and Nick left him feeling abandoned. So hence the not so subtle PDA. And apparently he's broken up with his polycule some time ago hence not having seen him at a munch for some time. Also claims he's managed to get the hsv2 blood test (very uncommon in NZ) and he's negative. Ooookkkaaaay.

She got a wee flea in her ear from Adam for not saying she was dating him earlier, and having that conversation privately...

Adam seems better now. I'm still torn. If I've gotten to the point of kissing a dude, my peeps are already gonna know about him. But Sis and her damn walls.
 
Lance's box of goodies arrived my last night! That's 5 working days from NZ to UK, brilliant. He picked it up from the post office in his morning, but saved opening it until he got home. I woke (at Shakespeare's place) to find a text saying the creamy milk chocolate was very good :D we have a Skype call planned for my tomorrow morning, so I'll eke more chocolatey opinions out of him then.

Shakespeare's sister called while I was there. He made it obvious he had company and she got all flustered and didn't keep him on the line. Turns out his ex wife was staying with her for a few days between house sits. She knows I've visited before but there's a vague suggestion that I stay in a spare bedroom. Sooner or later someone (likely a sister) is going to realise that the spare rooms are so littered with boxes that there's no way he makes up another bed.

He'll have no problem having that conversation ;)
 
I've been reading back over my blog. What a journey.

I'd mentioned Art previously. It was platonic, although he was always pushing for more despite knowing full well that I wasn't interested. We ejected him from our lives about this time last year, completely. He wasn't supportive (as I previously described him) as much as he was manipulative. It took me quite a while to put myself back together after that, find my voice again. I don't believe his behaviour was out of malice, but out of confusion of what he was actually needing. But he couldn't see how detrimental his behaviour was to other people's well-being. He'd got his hooks into Mike's sub, too, but she was actually sleeping with him. She broke up with him after he constantly belittled her relationship with Mike, and tried to assert far too much control over her like he did with me. His major tactic was being a wounded dove.

I'll write about Trask when the time is right.
 
I didn't realise, but Adam deescalated his relationship with Sis apparently some time ago. I get it, that's how most of my intimate friendships have come about.
I stayed at hers last week for a girly night in. We spent a lot of time singing along to YouTube, as you do. Adam arrived in time for breakfast the next morning and we gave him a joint birthday prezzie. She'll drop by our place this weekend for a cuppa on her way home from visiting family.

I've now been away a couple of weeks. I'm going home tonight and I can't wait!
 
It's probably nothing.
That was the doc's official line last year.
Too small to tell.
We'll check again in a year.
It's probably nothing.

It's been a year.
My CT scan is next Wednesday.
It's probably nothing.
Right?
 
Thanks Hannahfluke.

Sis ditched her visit this weekend. I'm a little concerned she's not OK, but she'd never say anything so I'm trying not to catastrophize.

I spoke with Lance this morning. Just a brief conversation but we're trying to work out a better time for regular calls. Last year was good as it was always my Thursday morning. Right now that doesn't work, but we can review it in a few weeks when I've finished this teaching practicum. His poor dog is really getting to end of life time, but Lance is dreading making the appointment. Even the lure of going to visit Jen doesn't outweigh that. It's going to be a rough time :(
 
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It's probably nothing.
That was the doc's official line last year.
Too small to tell.
We'll check again in a year.
It's probably nothing.

It's been a year.
My CT scan is next Wednesday.
It's probably nothing.
Right?

Wishing you well on Wednesday. I hope it's nothing to be worried about. Hugs.
 
I kinda got my results today. Doc doesn't need me to come in, but has scheduled the next CT for 6 months time. Of course, I need to change GPs between now and then so new Doc may have a different opinion. Can't do much about that for a couple of months anyway so it's back to ignoring it.

I had our regular weekly call with Lance last night. He said he's told Jen about me. I'm a little disappointed she hasn't reached out to just say hi, but oh well, I don't need her to. He's going to visit her in July. Which means the day from hell - putting Sparky dog down - is nearing. But his bad days are starting to get more frequent, and Lance doesn't want to run him into the ground. It'll break his heart to actually do it, though. I'm sure the pending visit to Jen will help. And I've got Adam to cry on. LDR poly warning...you can fall for the pets over Skype as well as the people even if you've never hugged either. It's the one thing I'm actually really jealous of: Jen's met Sparky (and the cats) and I never will.

I've said I still want to meet Lance one day, and he wants to meet me too. So the intention still stands even if logistics mean it's a pipe dream. That's enough for me for now. I'll review again in 5 years ;)

Sis isn't OK and has shut me out entirely. I won't go into why, mostly because I'm very confused about it and she's refusing to communicate. Which leaves me peeved and hurt. But she's still friendly with Adam and that's what really matters. He saw her briefly at work today on his way through her town to his dentist appointment. It was a second opinion appointment and it's all about to get extremely expensive.

So that's about it right now. Next big hurdle, all the assessments for this semester (two assignments, three exams in the next 6 weeks). Just. Gotta. Pass (says the recovering perfectionist).
 
I feel like an imposter a lot of the time right now. It mainly stems from my career change. I'm retraining to be a secondary maths teacher. I'm getting lots of positive feedback from the adults...but kids are tough critics. They don't say anything bad, but my sophomores are arrrrggghhhh. They don't engage much. We actually have a 5 year high school so they're actually the Wednesday of their school years. I'm learning that I'd like to try and teach them an entirely different way when I have my own class. If. When. If. God I'm worried about getting a job. I mean, maths teachers are so in demand I worked unqualified last year, but I want to work somewhere that my husband and I both want to live. That narrows it down a little.

Other areas of my life I'm feeling like an imposter in includes poly (even with Lance, he's so focused on Jen right now that I'm a little friend zoned, which is fine because it's a tight friendship) and kink (I had to skip last month's munch because of work, and there's been no other events I can go to, and things at home are talked about but not much acted on right now) we have a triad of imposter places right now. This too shall pass. This is mostly about recording this week so I can look back in a year and laugh at what's changed ;)
 
Lance had to take Sparky to the vet for the last time last week :(
It hurt him so much. He feels really guilty, despite Sparky being so immobile so much of the time, there were still moments of liveliness. But all things considered, it was definitely time.

So now he has his trip to the States to see Jen to look forward to... except he believes Jen has started distancing herself for reasons not currently apparent. She's certainly stopped liking his new content on Fet, which is not a good sign. I've said it'll probably all be back to full on as his July (5th) trip to the States nears and eventuates. Part of me is thinking it bloody better all be all good and they have a wonderful time etc etc because he could have been here instead like we'd talked about before he met her :mad: :p

As for me, at the last munch I suddenly turned into a party promoter. The munch decided they needed a party and soon LOL, so a date only 3 weeks out was chosen. This caused wailing and gnashing of teeth by people who weren't at the munch as it's "not enough notice" blah blah blah.

Sadly, there's been very little interest outside the munch group, so I'm going to get left with a "big" venue bill (for a student). Sigh. But we'll make it as awesome as possible and advertise the next one with at least couple of months warning. One of the major problems is that the noisy "it's not enough notice" polycules told me after the munch that they were hosting a private party on the same night (16th June) - which turns them into hypocrites for sending an invite 3 weeks out!!!!! Grrrrr. So they've probably swept up about a dozen people plus their four.

We both learn the hard way. But I'd taken prepays at the munch for the agreed night so I didn't feel right cancelling on those people that were there and stepped up. I haven't been so blunt as to point out to the polycule that even if they had had just one representative there they could have vetoed the date even without disclosing their own party...

Still, it's actually going to be nice to have a party with mainly new people. Especially without one of the polycule who can be very loud around other people's scenes. I'd rather not have to tell him off in public, so not having him there is actually a blessing :rolleyes:

I have the fabulous moral support of the original group creator/owner, and that means the world. He doesn't really like the noisy guy, either.

Other than that, I'm writing university assignments, ignoring online lectures while I do so, and beginning to prepare for exams. Ugh.

I'm also acutely aware of the date today. You'll read why in a couple of days.
 
Letting him know he's loved...

I had a slightly overdue "heart to heart" text conversation with Mike last night (it's the space we occupy best). Of course, he's a sadist so the conversation actually went:

Mike: do you hate me? (Said with a smirk)

Me: actually, it's more like Stockholm syndrome.
 
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