advice on talking to the kids

gorgeouskitten

New member
I know its been raised many times, but i'd still like to start a convo on talking to the kids. We have three, 8. 5.5 and 3. They know and love Nudge, and Nudge and J are good friends.

The other day Nudge and I drove the kids to school, my eight year old son says "Mom, do you love Nudge more than daddy?" I replied "of course not, I love daddy very much" he replies "but you just called Nudge 'babe'" I said "uh...I call them both babe." he replied "I don't get it"

So its time for a talk. ive tried to already start impressing on them that we have very close friends, we casually saying one of us is on a 'date' so it becomes a normal occurrence, but obviously society has taught him I should love ONLY his father. How much do you tell and eight year old? That its ok to love multiple people? I don't want to go the route of their being different kinds of love, because I share the same "type" of love for Nudge and J. they are pretty much co-primaries.

Advice? Suggestions?
 
Honesty.

Four years ago, we told our kids who are now 22, 17, 16, 14, 6 ; that family is defined by who you share love with and that just like we can love ALL of them and they can love all of us, we can love more than one other adult.
The youngests attitude was "whatever I want candy". The next one up replied with something to the affect of "isn't that what Jesus taught us to do? Love everyone?"
the older ones were like "uh huh-ok gross but whatever".

Over the years a few questions have cropped up, but overall-they just really didn't care.
 
That is not what the kid in asking to me. He accepts you love them both. He just wants to know if you love daddy "more."

Kids are very literal when that small, IME.

Depending on how deep you want to go at this time, you could take that several places when the teachable moment appears.

Honest , situation appropriate and age appropriate is best. But in the school car line? I would have said "I love them both. We can talk longer later though if you still have questions because this is the car line and you need to get to school. Have a nice day hon!"


Then ask him if he still wants to talk after school or if he is good enough for now. Tell him you are glad he comes to you with his questions either way.

Galagirl
 
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All our kids know. Ages 16,16,14,12,11,9,8. We made sure that all the adults were together when talked to the kids so they could see that we were all ok. The teenagers especially were concerned that everyone was allright. The younger kids pretty much wanted to know that they were still loved.

We told them that I love hank, he loves me. I also love darla, she loves me, hank loves her, she loves him, and we all love them. Then answered questions as honestly as it was appropriate to do so.

One word of caution. Once young children know things they are compelled to share. And oh boy do they LOVE to share. We are now out to darlas ex husband, their school, church friends, the barber, grocery clerks, the neighbors, and any random strangers we should cross paths with. So discuss how you plan to handle that.
 
One word of caution. Once young children know things they are compelled to share. And oh boy do they LOVE to share. We are now out to darlas ex husband, their school, church friends, the barber, grocery clerks, the neighbors, and any random strangers we should cross paths with. So discuss how you plan to handle that.

Now I miss the "like" button... :D Kids, oh kids... I am childfree myself, but I like the company of children, and I know MANY things about various families around me. Young kids definitely do share!
 
Having an 8 year old boy myself this is how it got brought up for us. When he saw his dad give wild orchid a kiss good bye, he told bassman "i'm telling mom". So I wasn't there for the conversation. Bassman just told him I have a boyfriend too (which I don't at this time nor have I since our journey began last July). I had to explain I did not have a boyfriend right now but it's ok if dad has a girlfriend, he doesn't love me any less, actually it feels like he loves me more.;)

For my son, he is just concerned with it being "fair" as long as I know what dad is doing. I think that is what your son is concerned with...it being equal instead of it being more or less. He hasn't asked about it since and that was a month ago.

If he's sees your behavior between his dad and nudge not being equal, could be what is triggering his question.
 
All of Auto's kids (3, 5, 15) know as well as they're able for their ages. The 15yo understands all about poly, as well as queer issues, and is pretty sure that she's monogamous and gay. The 5yo just loves the fact that there are lots of people in his parents' lives that come over a lot and pay attention to him. The 3yo is obviously too young to have any conscious understanding of any of it.

Basically, their approach has always been to just treat it as completely normal. Honestly, the 5yo is more surprised that everybody doesn't have such a complex family. He's far more concerned with whether or not I "liked" his store page on facebook (he's started making and selling plastic beaded jewellery).

It's like the "The Talk" idea. I don't think it should be The Talk. I think there should be frequent and informal age-appropriate discussions about sexuality, orientation, gender expression, relationship forms, etc., throughout childhood and adolescence. If you make it The Talk, it's like this big taboo thing that's inappropriate to discuss, and that makes it seem dirty and wrong. If you make it natural and part of everyday life, then it's not that big of a deal, and they won't need to go out and try it just to rebel.

I agree with GG that he was probably being literal when he asked if you loved Nudge more than Daddy. He would probably have been satisfied with "Nope, I love them the same amount, just like I love you and your sisters the same amount, but a different way than I love Daddy and Nudge."
 
My girls are all teenagers now, but they were young when introduced to 'alternative' lifestyles. For us, we just kept it honest and simple for their level. Hubby and I refer to each other as 'hon'.

So when it had to be explained we explained that they have friends at school who's parents aren't together anymore. Hons that are divorced, or hons that remarry. So they have step parents. Some guys like girl hons, some guys like guy hons. Some guys like both! Some people have more than one hon, some only want one hon. As long as hons treat each other with love and respect and are honest then it's all good!
 
85668536564

I like this a lot! I would like to be open about my lifestyle with my family and friends. I have 4 children, they are still young and trying to understand the husband/wife dynamic my husband and I have. I don't want to confuse them any more just yet. I hope to have a relationship one day and it be serious enough to share it with my family and friends.....Most importantly my children. Thank you for this!
 
I love all these replies, thank you!!

Gala, you make an excellent point. he is very concerned with fairness. I like another suggestion of saying I love Nudge and J just as much as I love my son and both of his sisters all the same "amount".

I do worry a little about letting the cat out of the bag cause of my father. My mom and sister know, my coworkers, our friends, but not my father or my inlaws. The inlaws I don't care as much, not close to them. But Dad is very religious...so. that'd be interesting
 
Honesty is the best policy .

My younger kids who were 9&5 when they found out didn't miss a step. My oldest son was taken aback but he is 20 and an adult. He is the one who outed me to family. Oh well.
 
The way I see it... your kids are going to figure it out sooner or later, and they'll spill the beans to your dad soon thereafter. I highly advise against asking them to keep it a secret because that attitude breeds all kinds of shame. In other words, your dad's going to find out eventually, and it would be better for him to hear it from you, the way you want him to hear it, rather than vague and misunderstood the way his grandkids might tell it. If it comes from them, he'll probably assume you're cheating. Even though cheating is more acceptable in our ass-backwards society, it's not likely to win you any brownie points.
 
Im glad I found this topic. I have two kids 15 and 9 who dont know, and we do alot of sneaking around I guess to avoid it. the main fear is not that they would have an issue with it, its that they would spread it to everyone, and we aren't ready to be out to everyone. some people we know wouldn't understand.
 
If people do not love you for who you are then why do you care what they think?
 
If people do not love you for who you are then why do you care what they think?

in my case, my family is very religious and I do care what my mom thinks, she loves my wife and comes over for holidays and we are all very happy. but when my brother was dateing a girl while he was married ( though he was cheating) she found out and tore into him and they didnt talk for years. they are fine now, but I dont want that drama so for me it seems easier to not let her know. so then it comes back to telling the kids.... if I tell them, she will find out. she may find out later down the line anyways im aware. its a rock and a hard place for me lol
 
Im glad I found this topic. I have two kids 15 and 9 who dont know, and we do alot of sneaking around I guess to avoid it. the main fear is not that they would have an issue with it, its that they would spread it to everyone, and we aren't ready to be out to everyone. some people we know wouldn't understand.

You can't be certain what they know unless you tell them. Kids are more perceptive than their parents generally give them credit for. Many people have been in your situation, and when they do eventually tell their kids, the reaction is often something like "What? Dad knew? I though you were just cheating on him."

If they find out some other way, there's an even greater chance that word will get out, because they'll need to talk to someone about it and they might be afraid to talk to you because if you've tried to keep it secret then they might think you don't want to talk about it. So instead they tell their besties and then their besties tell their parents, the parents tell other people, and before you know it everyone knows that you're "cheating on your husband."
 
When we told our kids the teenagers had already connected the dots. Smart kids.

As far as coming out to extended family, only Darla is out. None of us live near our family of origin so it isn't something that has really been a pressing issue. And it's nice that we have had some time for our relationship to grow and strengthen.

My own family is very religious. Mormons in fact. Polygamy is a bit of a hot topic as the main stream lds church looks down on it. I'm confident that once the shock wears off they will be accepting. But only time will tell.
 
I don't know when it would have been the right time to tell my children (they are my children not my husbands). Our relationship with C has developed over four years and early on it didn't seem necessary to say anything because we didn't know if it was going to last. For the last couple of years we have been increasingly open about C being part of our lives and most of our friends know about it.

My children are 25, 22 and 19 and I have tried to tell them. The present situation is that the 25 year old gets on very well with C and enjoys spending time with her; the 22 year old closes down every conversation, refuses to even talk about C and will not meet her and the 19 year old will talk about her but doesnt want to meet her. He takes the view that he doesn't like me to get too involved with his friends/girlfriends and he doesn't want to meet my friends. I have tried a number of times to gently raise the issue with my daughter because it makes me sad that she is clearly unhappy with it, but trying to discuss it just upsets her. I have decided that it is better to focus on having a good relationship with my daughter, I make sure that I spend time with her and I try to show her that I am very happy with my life. I hope that in time she will become more comfortable about C.
 
We are not officially out to our kids yet. My kids have all met my BF. They just know him as my best friend from high school. My 16yo daughter knows that we were close and kind of dated in high school. I think she suspects but she has not said anything. She has come out to me as bi herself, although has not had any same sex relationships. She recently did an art project with various LGBT flags and she actually included the "polyamory flag" in that. I thought it was interesting.

We have had general conversations about dating more than one person (her best friend is also bi and has a boyfriend and also dated a girl last summer without breaking up with the boyfriend, all with his knowledge). She seemed bothered by that fact though, so it may prove a challenge once we do talk with her. But I am confident that as long as she knows her Dad and I are together on this she will be okay. Plus, she likes my BF a lot. Thinks he is hysterical. ;)

We also have a 6yo girl and a 3yo girl. The youngest spends plenty of time with BF and I together and she is always excited to see him because he plays with her at the playground. The middle one is also comfortable around him, but she would be the one to out us to family just because she has no filter, like most 6 year olds. LOL

The only reason we have not told them is because my boyfriend isnt ready. His kids (teens) know mine and since his wife has asked that they dont find out, we are respecting that for now. But I am antsy to tell them, just so I can be affectionate with him when they are around. I would prefer to not hide our relationship from them since we expect he will be here for the long haul.
 
in my case, my family is very religious and I do care what my mom thinks, she loves my wife and comes over for holidays and we are all very happy. but when my brother was dateing a girl while he was married ( though he was cheating) she found out and tore into him and they didnt talk for years. they are fine now, but I dont want that drama so for me it seems easier to not let her know. so then it comes back to telling the kids.... if I tell them, she will find out. she may find out later down the line anyways im aware. its a rock and a hard place for me lol

My kids, ages 3 (doesn't understand), 8 & 16 know. Never once did we tell them to not tell anyone. When we visit the in-laws, my son has not once ran to my mother-in-law to tell her "my dad has a girlfriend". Why not? We never said "don't tell" and so after the talk(s) my 8 year old never thought about it. The teen...she knows her grandma well enough so if she needs to discuss her views, she brings them to me.
 
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