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I've still been doing a lot of work on myself, and I am making progress. But some things still bother me, and I'm starting to figure out what is reasonable and unreasonable for me to accept from other people. (Reasonable and unreasonable *for me*. It's a subjective thing.)

I've hung out with Deer a couple more times, and it was pretty good. A couple of weeks ago, I offered him a ride to a party, because he doesn't drive and I knew he'd been talking to another woman who was going to be there. He met her the same night he met me; she's a friend of Party Guy's. So I gave him a ride down, and we ended up crashing at a hotel for the night because I got too tired to handle a 2-hour drive back to his place and then another hour to my house. That was nice, but something felt off about it.

He likes to text and call quite a bit, which I'm fine with because I like plenty of contact with someone I'm seeing. But Friday, he called me and spent half the conversation telling me how amazing the other woman is, and how thrilled he is that she wants anything to do with him because "she's so cool!" and how he can't wait to see her again. Not once did he compliment me, or say he wanted to see me again, or anything along those lines; it was about her. (The parts of the conversation that weren't about her were about his job and his living situation.)

If he had said anything like "You're pretty awesome too," or "I'm looking forward to seeing you again," even though I might not have been pleased about him gushing about this other woman, it at least wouldn't have *hurt* and I would have dealt with it. But as it was, I felt like he'd just been using me to get to her, and that he'd only seen me and had sex with me because she wasn't available and/or because he didn't believe she wanted him, and not because he actually wanted anything to do with *me* specifically. Like I was just a substitute. And while I acknowledge that has more to do with my issues than his behavior, I still think it's not remotely cool to spend a conversation with someone you're dating praising someone else to the sky and not saying anything nice about the person you're talking to.

So I haven't reached out to him since, and I've only heard from him once, very briefly. I don't anticipate hearing from him again, for a couple of reasons I won't get into, and I'm fine with that. Part of me feels like this is what i deserve for trying to get involved with someone so much younger than I am, like I was acting desperate and so he only went along with it out of pity or horniness or both and not because he wanted me in the first place. Even though I'm projecting and speculating, I'm happier not having him in my life if that's the impression I've gotten from his actions and if I'm not as comfortable as I'd hoped to be with the age difference.

Party Guy and I had a date planned for last week, but I canceled it because I just wasn't feeling like going. He's nice enough and so is his wife, but their arrangement is very hierarchical and couples-privilegey, and that isn't sitting well with me as far as my being part of it. He and I have another date planned for next week, but it's only tentative right now because he might have something else coming up that day. If he doesn't cancel, I'll probably go and see how it feels, but I think with him, it's probably going to be best to just keep him as a friend I sometimes see at parties, because realistically our connection would never be more than that anyway.

On the positive side of things, my relationship with my boyfriend is in a much better place. We've had some long discussions about what my issues are with the relationship and what, if anything, we could do that would help them not be so much of an issue. Not things that involve him doing my emotional labor, but things like, "I've noticed when I say X, you respond in a way that sounds angry to me, and then I escalate, and then you do. Let's figure out how I can say X or how you can respond so we short-circuit that escalation." He and I have a lot of communication glitches, but when we realize they're glitches, he's always willing to talk with me, sort things out, and figure out how to avoid the glitches in the future. So that's going better, and he told me something recently that's changed how I view our relationship and his others, which has helped a lot. (It's something that apparently has been true all along, but I didn't know it, and he didn't realize I didn't know.)

And I'm enjoying the times I'm able to see Noon. Over the weekend, we were finally able to have some time together not in a public place, and that was a lot of fun, but also really nice when he was being gentle and doing aftercare. So I'm looking forward to more time with him, even though I know being alone together like that is an exception because of schedules and such; most of the time, we are only going to be able to have lunch together and sit in his car. But sometimes we'll be able to have a time like this weekend, and that will be good.
 
I would also be upset if a guy was gushing to me about another woman while having nothing in particular to say about me. That seems objectively, reasonably upsetting to me.
 
Thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not overreacting in this case. I know I often view things differently from many poly people, and am bothered by things that wouldn't even rate a second thought from others, so I'm never quite sure when I'm being what some people might consider unreasonable.

The past few days have been kind of weird. I'm fine-tuning what I want and what I'm looking for, but I'm having trouble believing I'll ever find it, so I keep catching myself accepting and continuing with things that aren't quite "it"...whatever "it" is.

For example, Saturday night I went to a party, where I knew I would be seeing Party Guy. I didn't really want to go, because Party Guy in my mind has become...well, the guy I see at parties. And that's it. He's a nice guy, but I have trouble even viewing him as a friend beyond the "Hey, are you going to the next party?" type of conversations. (I also didn't want to go to the party because I had some MAJOR depression going on at the end of last week and I was isolating myself... I ended up going to the party because Hubby said he thought it would be better for me to get out of the house and even gave me the money I needed to get there.) So I went, and I "played" with Party Guy and had fun, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be doing, it was just a thing to do. What I would rather have been doing was going on a date with someone and spending the evening cuddling and maybe having sex, and then staying the night together and waking up for more cuddling in the morning.

I had what might be considered a date with Party Guy on Monday, and I almost canceled that, but I think he'd taken the day off from work to see me, so I didn't want to cancel. Going on that was actually a good decision, because we were able to have more of a discussion of what we're each looking for, and I clarified how the hierarchy thing works for him and his wife. So at least that removed my assumption that his wife could, at any time and for no real reason, say, "I don't want you seeing KC anymore" and Party Guy would just say, "Okay, honey, you got it." But still... He lives a distance from me, schedules don't usually match, and he isn't *quite* what I would look for as a partner. So we're still just friends who occasionally play at parties.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Tie Guy. Same thing. He's a nice guy and a decent friend, but he still isn't quite what I would want in a partner. I've been going back and forth with him for over two years now, and trying to reframe our connection in my mind, but it's still "He's nice... why am I seeing him?"

Dungeon messaged me this morning after silence for over a month and asked if he could see me tonight to talk about getting together sort-of-regularly again. So that's a thing, but it's a thing that probably isn't going to result in much because he, too, isn't quite what I'm looking for, and then there's the complicating factor of his relationship with Nearby. Other things have happened that have caused me to feel a lot less comfortable and friendly with Nearby than I did, so I'd probably be way better off not getting involved with Dungeon again, because I have to be friendly and comfortable with her if I'm involved with him. But I figured I could at least meet up with him and hear what he has to say.

Deer has messaged me a couple of times, and called me once. I didn't answer or return his call, and I'm responding to his messages as little as possible. He's another not-what-I-want.

Things with Hubby have NEVER been really what I want, and he knows that, but there are other reasons I feel like I have to stay with him.

Things with my boyfriend and Noon are okay. Both of them have qualities that ARE exactly what I want... but then they also have qualities that aren't even close, or problems that interfere with the good things.

Dating in general is feeling pretty frigging pointless right now, because all I end up with is "not quite what I'm looking for, but I guess it's good enough." I'm tired of settling for good enough. I want GOOD, if not GREAT.
 
I went to another party the weekend before Halloween. Party Guy was there apparently with someone else, but when I asked him, he said he was with her but not *exclusively* with her and that he still wanted to spend time with me during the party. So that happened, but it felt weird and I felt guilty for taking him away from the woman he was with. (He said he and his wife are friends with her and drove her to the party because it was her first time going, and that he hadn't had specific plans with her. But still.) I've chatted with him a couple of times since, but we haven't made any plans to see each other again. At least he seems to be becoming a good friend, and I'm okay with that, but it really isn't possible for it to be anything more as far as I can tell.

I sort of patched things up with Deer. I told him how I felt about him gushing about the other woman, and why I felt that way, and he seemed to understand. But we've only talked a couple of times since. We had tentative plans to hang out over this past weekend, but my car was in the shop, so it wasn't possible to see him. (He doesn't drive, and there's no public transit between where I live and where he lives.)

The meeting with Dungeon clarified for me that he is NOT someone I want anything to do with at this point. Aside from him telling me things I really didn't want to know about other people, he freaked out when I told him that I have PTSD and anxiety disorder--even though I clearly recall having told him that before. He denies I ever said anything, and was saying things like, "Now I'm worried, because for all I know you could have an anxiety attack at any moment." Which is bullshit, because he's been around me plenty of times and has NEVER seen me have an anxiety attack. I don't have time or patience for someone--especially someone who clearly has his own issues--who acts like I'm some kind of poisonous freak for having mental health issues that I MANAGE. When I left, he told me the ball was in my court as far as us getting together, which means that we won't be.

Seeing Tie Guy a couple of weeks ago didn't go as well as I would have liked, because after I was in his apartment for about an hour, I started feeling severely light-headed and like I had a migraine coming on. I was also having some trouble breathing. All I can guess is there was some air quality issue in his place, because I'd been perfectly fine all day until then. So I had to cut the visit short, and we don't have further plans for another week and a half. I'm starting to feel again, though, like he isn't quite what I'm looking for. I want a *partner* who stays in contact with me for reasons other than asking when I want to see him again, and who is able to see me more frequently than Tie Guy is.

My boyfriend clarified for me a couple of things about our relationship that help me feel far more secure than I did, but I still worry that someone else will displace me with him. But that's my shit to deal with--or to decide I *can't* deal with and walk away, which will always be a possibility.
 
There hasn't been much going on in my life, at least relationship-wise. I've been putting most of my time and energy into my holistic business, which, after a few false starts over the past couple of years, finally seems to be taking off! Nothing huge yet, but I have three clients, two students, and a physical location once a week. Which is actually pretty huge compared to how it's been previously.

Deer and I barely talk anymore. I kind of miss talking to him and hanging out, but at the same time, he drinks more than I'm comfortable with, and he has some issues I'm not prepared to help with. So it's probably for the best.

I haven't seen Party Guy in weeks. We have plans for later this month, so we'll see if that happens. We talk once or twice a week, anyway, though now that I think about it, I haven't heard from him since last weekend. I should message him later today.

After a lot of thought, I called things off with Tie Guy again, this time permanently. I told him I keep trying to be attracted to him, because he's a really nice person and I like him, but I can't feel anything more than friendship for him. Platonic friendship. He understood, and I guess we're going to stay friends; we'll see how that works. I was going to stay friends with Facets too, but that went out the window pretty much right away, since he doesn't message and I can't be bothered to message someone who isn't going to put forth any effort. Tie Guy isn't like that, but our communication has always been infrequent, which is probably part of the reason why I couldn't form any stronger emotional connection to him.

Things with Hubby aren't in a great place right now. I'd rather not go into details. The marriage will probably survive, because it always has so far, but I'm no longer sure that's a good idea.

Things with my boyfriend are pretty good at the moment, and so are things with Noon.
 
Best of luck with everything, KC.
 
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