Polysaturation and heartbreak.

I'm not poly to be poly. I'm poly pecause of the people in my life, because of the specific people and the specific connections with them.

I have never been searching for relationships to add something in my life, not even the first one. I just meet people and want to be with them.

And additional partners? If my life is full, I will not have time to meet new people and develop new connections, so they just don't exist. Why would I feel left out about something that does not exist?
This totally resonates with me. I never set out to become polyamorous -- nothing else simply never made sense for me.
 
I'll summarise my point and my question. Imagine a previously monogamous couple in a long term relationship attempting polyamory for the first time. They may have had experience with non monogamy before, but not polyamory. They choose to add lovers to their lives to experience NRE with the high ideals of lifelong commitment provided there are no major hiccups. I feel this situation either ends with polyfidelity at the level of polysaturation, or breakup, with breakups happening at an approximate ratio of 1 breakup to 1 new lover. It is possible to break up less painfully but less painful transitions seem to involve a willingness to "let go" earlier before becoming too invested in the relationship. One could argue that it would be healthier to enter a relationship with the intention to transition or to break up as soon as NRE fades, but then this sounds more like friends-with-benefits than polyamorous-with-emotions.

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I don think I've ever seen someone admit that they were a NRE junkie and that was their primary reason for being poly. It's generally filed under needs being unmet, or the impossibility of one partner fulfilling all the complex needs.

Also, break-ups and heartache are never ever factored into this. It's the same as you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. So some discomfort /heartache is expected and considered the cost of doing multiple relationships.
 
I don think I've ever seen someone admit that they were a NRE junkie and that was a primary reason for being poly. It's generally filed under needs being unmet, or the impossibility of one partner fulfilling all the complex needs.

Also, break-ups and heartache are never factored into this. It's the same as you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs So some discomfort/heartache is expected and considered the cost of doing multiple elationships.

I will admit to being an NRE junkie. I'm not sure that it factored into my poly, but I'm sure it's in there somewhere. It's part of my extroversion, too. I can feel NRE for new friendships. It doesn't have to involve sex (though the possibility or actuality does ramp it up.)

As for break-ups and heartache, I don't feel like it's necessary, not even when strong emotions are there. More and more, I realize that most of my relationships never ended, they just evolved, or faded out organically. For there to be a big blowout-- it's not that likely it will come from my end, and it's a rare thing for me to be involved with someone who does that. It's not my style.
 
I will admit to being an NRE junkie. I'm not sure that it factored into my poly, but I'm sure it's in there somewhere. It's part of my extroversion, too, and I can feel NRE over new friendships even, it doesn't have to involve sex (though the possibility or actuality does ramp it up.)

As for breakups and heartache...I don't feel like it's necessary, not even when strong emotions are there. More and more, I realize that most of my relationships never ended, they just evolved. Or faded out organically. For there to be a big blowout...well, it's not that likely it will come from my end, and it's a rare thing for me to be involved with someone who does that. It's not my style.


There you go again, being the exception. :D

Okay, outside of yourself, how many times have you've seen someone admit to being an NRE junkie? No matter what, it's a small number right?

And you agree break-ups aren't a factor because you let them fade out.

Also this quote from nettle:
And additional partners? If my life is full, I will not have time to meet new people and develop new connections, so they just don't exist. Why would I feel left out about something that does not exist?

Couldn't this be the same lens that a mono spouse is looking through when asking the question, "Why am I not enough?" If your life were full or fulfilling, why would you need to keep searching?
 
^ Yeah, probably it is. But I was thinking about time, not people. I don't think it would be healthy to have just one person fill up all your time. Even if I was mono I would not be okay with that, and I would not be with someone asking me for that. I guess some people do live like that though.
 
I don think I've ever seen someone admit that they were a NRE a junkie and the was a primary reason for being poly. It's generally filed under needs being unmet. Or the impossibility of one partner fulfilling all the complex needs.

Also breakups and heartache is never ever factored into this. It's the same as you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. So some discomfort /heartache is expected and considered the cost of doing multi relationships.

Discomfort and heartache are not unusual in monogamy either. How many people do you know who have only had one relationship their whole life?

Personally, I love NRE, but that has nothing to do with me being poly.
 
Dingedheart, I also admit that NRE is a mixed blessing. love that whole initial game of "Do you like me? Do I like you?"the building of tension, finding out things about other people, new conversations. Yet when feelings start to spark up more intensely, the introduction of the vulnerability factor can be scary and stressful, too.

"NFE" (new friendship energy?) feels so much safer. That thing where you can be flirty with a new pal in life, but everyone knows you are NOT available for anything more. Some guys will get weird about "friend zone" stuff, but if I have been 100% clear with my intentions from the very start, then they can't blame me for not being persuadable into sex. If you want to live in denial of reality, that's your problem, not mine, I figure.

To the others talking about not being ok with one partner taking up their whole world and life, yes. I think that only a very insecure partner (mono usually) will be wanting someone's whole world to revolve around them. My ex-husband was that way. If we went out somewhere, he'd pretty much expect me to stand there staring at him like a well-trained dog or something, and he'd get mad and feel all neglected if I paid any attention to others (even female friends.) He called my friends a bunch of idiots, though he never got to know any of them really...unless he could co-opt it to revolve around him and make them HIS people. He had to have the entire spotlight or he was pouty. Basically, pretty narcissistic stuff. I won't be dealing with that again.
 
I'm too inexperienced to know the answer to that.

Be brave and take a step forward. We all make mistakes and that's how we learn. Don't stop learning ever but never over analyze. Dr. Albert Einstein once said something like, if you analyze too much then Beethoven's music will be nothing more than vibration of air. You'll miss the joy of music.

Beethoven - Symphony No. 9 in D minor: Ode to Joy
 
Sometimes the break-up happens first, before the next partner is 'found,' as well. I don't know exactly where my saturation limit lies, but I'm starting to believe I might be at it, simply because of the type of men I become attached to. I have a husband of 18 years, who for most of our relationship has been rather independent, as have I. My bf and I have been together a year and a half, a year of that with a shared gf. She was very time demanding for me (which I did not mind), while he was not. (I wanted him to be more so.) When she broke up with us, he and I gravitated toward spending a lot more time together, and that shift was something we both enjoyed, and something he got used to.

I met someone else about five weeks ago. While I will admit there is most certainly an NRE-factor in there, I do very much believe this is a person that I mesh with in a 1001 ways. He is also a very high-time demand person and thus, I'm now in three romantic relationships - 2 of which are high time demand and one which is medium, but probably wants more. and I have work/kids/etc., as well.

I already know my bf is feeling the difference from me spending time with this new man. I know my husband is feeling the difference of me having two others again.

I cannot imagine trying to add anyone else to my fold.

But I've also never 'looked.' I didn't feel like I was missing anything when I was with my bf and husband only. I wasn't out there tindering or whatever else people use these days. I stumbled nearly by accident across the new connection, and when something FEELS right, I have to see it out. That was, I believe, part of the source of my unhappiness before.

I don't want to have to give up anyone already in my life, however. So there is that awareness there that I am likely 'maxed out.' At the moment, all three of them have only me. (Husband has never added another relationship since we opened, bf hasn't had another one since gf, and new man just ended things with his gf, just after meeting me, for non-related to me reasons.) I am their sole focus in that area.

If they all ended up with another partner, would that free up time for me to meet someone else? It's hard to say.

I hope that helps a bit with your questions/comments.
 
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