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Old 08-13-2014, 01:58 AM
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Mignonne Mignonne is offline
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Unhappy Being The Third

Hello,

I had written a really in-depth introduction but I guess my session timed out and I lost all of it, perhaps it is for the best.

I am a woman presently in a V or an... N? I am not even sure.

Though I can see it being contested, in reality I am the secondary parter to a couple in a well established relationship. I am only involved with the man, though I made a strong attempt at being attracted to the girl but just, can't.

I have been in poly-type relationships before, and have had monogamous relationships with both sexes, I just don't find her attractive on any level. She is also going through a quasi-delayed-adolescent phase which makes it even more impossible for me. Still, I do like her as a person, in a friendly sense, and we have gotten along fine with the exception of some hiccups.

I was absorbed into the triad by very unconventional means. I was a friend of the male, his confidant for the better part of a year when my own life collapsed. Suddenly it was made known to me that he had feelings for me and wanted to help.

I was not keen on either idea, and refused to consider it for a long time, besides, even though they were of legal age they were a lot younger, and he already had a girlfriend. In addition, what they did outside of the relationship was three-way type stuff w/o much emotion. Having experience with that, and finding I did not want to be involved with that sort of thing, I really resisted any emotional connection with him.

But the dynamic between he and I had already changed, and an emotional rollercoaster followed where I was being pulled in a direction I did not want to go. I eventually had to lay out that if anything between us did happen it would have to be a lot more than just a tryst. I wasn't going to be three-way girl.

Thus a romantic affair began and I introduced myself to his girlfriend. It was easy enough, but I didn't really know what was going on. He was given the "green light" to delve into a deeper relationship with me and she was given the same.

As I said, though she liked me quite a bit and I attempted a romance with her, attraction and feeling never truly developed for me. She does still refer to myself as her girlfriend to a select few that know what's going on, but I think of myself more as a co-partner... whatever that means, I think I just made that up. lol

I should mention that although I have experience with poly relationships neither of them do, but outside our chaotic lives we get along famously. I have many things in common with her, and even more with him. He and I have similar histories, experiences, upbringings, principles, and hobbies. Sometimes it gets a bit creepy, but overall we make a strange but handsome couple... if only we could really be one.

I'll be upfront, I don't like being the secondary partner. I feel sort of blindsided as I entered into it at a very tumultous and vulnerable time.

As I become more and more connected to the man I have begun wanting things I can't have. Realizing that I will always be the secret friend among their families while they openly speak and show affection to one another. I have never really had a family and when I hear him talk about his, I ache to be a part of that. I want it so bad... but they'd never accept me.

In addition, over the course of this entire year, I'll lie in his arms and think "Wow, I could actually maybe spend the rest of my life with him... " a thought I've only had one other time in my life (I don't love easily). I dream of being his wife, of having his children, and being a part of his family.

All the things that my monogamous relationships offered. It is also painfully obvious that if there was a good enough reason, my inclusion in the relationship or its status could be renegotiated. Not so much has been said, except for once by the girlfriend, but you just... know.

I deeply love this man, but I pine for a primary partner of my own. Problem is, I want it to be him. But there will be no marraige or familial inclusion, I will never have the status his established partner has. I really feel like the outlier.

There are a lot of other things going on but I'm trying to stay on topic.

Yes, I have thought about seeking a fourth, his girlfriend has people she sees on the side now, but I find the whole thing detracting and not adding. He does a bit of his own flirting on the side as well and I'm just sitting here thinking "Okay, what am I here for?" sometimes.

I know he loves me and I love him, I don't want to leave him esp after he put so much work into establishing a relationship with me in the first place. But it just breaks my heart how this all feels, I'm not "poly," at least it's incredibly depressing having secondary status. I have long bemoaned being the third, just from personal experience and observation.

I feel lonely and wishing I could potentially have this life with him. I do not want him to leave his girlfriend, I just wish I could have what she could have with him too without the painful long process of trying to find another...

God, it makes me cry just thinking of it.

He doesn't want to lose me and I don't want to leave him, he isn't perfect, but for once in my life I have maybe met my match in strength, character, endurance, and so much more.

We have had a rocky ride, and still yet to come, I just don't know how to reconcile all of these things.

*Deep breath* Thanks for listening.

-M

Last edited by Mignonne; 08-13-2014 at 02:06 AM.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:42 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Why is it you can't have more? Many people in V dynamics split their time between two partners. Why can't he tell his family about you? Why couldn't he live with you part time? Marr y you? Have a child with you? If he wants to then there is absolutely no reason he can't. Sounds like his other partner and you have a good relationship, thats a good start. She acknowledges that you are a co-partner, that doesn't sound like she views you as a secondary. Don't be afraid to express your desires ad work toward making them a reality.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:02 AM
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Mignonne Mignonne is offline
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I understand and agree with your last comment: expressing desires and whatnot. But, well some of those things can't happen yet even if I addressed it, and there are reasons why the families wouldn't be welcoming. Most families, that I know of, except for the very liberal usually aren't. Neither of their families is really in favor of their support of me anyway, so that would just be another problem.

It is something I've always wanted though...

He does live with me part time, he has done a lot to get us where we are and I don't want to ask for more, I don't want to bleed the man. Besides this would be in the future. If we got to that point. They didn't sign on to be a future husband to me or a father. I am just not sure what to do except talk about it.

I don't know who to go to for help.

Last edited by Mignonne; 08-13-2014 at 03:07 AM.
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:01 PM
AyFondKiss AyFondKiss is offline
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Default I sympathise - it sucks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mignonne View Post
I understand and agree with your last comment: expressing desires and whatnot. But, well some of those things can't happen yet even if I addressed it, and there are reasons why the families wouldn't be welcoming. Most families, that I know of, except for the very liberal usually aren't. Neither of their families is really in favor of their support of me anyway, so that would just be another problem.

It is something I've always wanted though...

He does live with me part time, he has done a lot to get us where we are and I don't want to ask for more, I don't want to bleed the man. Besides this would be in the future. If we got to that point. They didn't sign on to be a future husband to me or a father. I am just not sure what to do except talk about it.

I don't know who to go to for help.
Dear Mignonne,

I really do sympathise I'm in the same situation (secondary to my primary) albeit the hinge is a bi woman.. All those feelings of wanting more, wanting exclusivity I feel and it drives me crazy at times... But, this woman, my Goddess is the person I love because of who she is, and who she is is someone who also deeply loves her husband, her primary. Also, the me she fell in love with was not a needy possessive relationship breaker, but a strong independent woman. Soooo, I don't know if it will help but I'm trying to address MY issues of jealousy and there's lots of great reading on that. I'm also exploring getting some balancing relationship - a new primary, one or many secondaries - kinda why I'm here... That a help? Let me know...
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:38 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Mignonne,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sorry to report that I don't know of any resources that could get you the kind of primary privileges you are aching for in this relationship. Even if the man broke up with his "first girlfriend" leaving just you and him, there's still the problem of getting his family to accept you. Family acceptance isn't even something you can always get, poly or monogamous; I know that by personal experience.

You can of course negotiate for things that would get you closer to the life you want with this man, and he (and his first girlfriend) might be able to accomodate you. But if you're looking for the white picket fence where everything is traditional and harmonious and monogamous and normal, I don't see how you can get those things in a polyamorous relationship like this. At some point you may have to choose between that white picket fence and the man you love. I don't think you can have both. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I don't even know how to pretend otherwise.

So are you going to have children with this man? What are your plans? Would you want to live in the same house with him and his first girlfriend? Would a commitment ceremony help?

If someone else has better ideas than me, that would be great; I fear my contribution is not quite what you were looking for.

I hope your dreams come true in spite of it all.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Old 08-13-2014, 07:44 PM
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Mignonne Mignonne is offline
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AyFondKiss: Thanks for your reply, it would be nice to just have some friends who are in similar situations to talk to. Maybe that is what I'm looking for, help-wise. Just loving, understanding individuals. :*). I have given much thought to adding another, a different male primary (or an older woman), if I felt another hinge would balance us out, but Igor does not like the idea of other men being involved.

In fact, one of the rules he has with Babs, is that she (and he) can fool around with women, but no men. Thus far, he and I have no such rules other than I require knowledge if he sleeps with anyone aside of her for health reasons. I don't know if I have any "veto power" (that's what they call it) in the triad at all. I just know he really would not like it, he has said as much, but I am still building on what he and I have and other life issues. When/if all that gets to a place where I feel I would like another, I will cross that road. For me, it's still an eventual option.

Kdt: No worries, as emotional as my OP is, I am pretty tough and can take the straight forward truth. I know that being open and welcomed into his fam would be unlikely if not impossible, it's just I like them so much... I tend to get rejected by other people's families too, so it's just a thing I yearn for especially when I see how much they like Babs.

I would never want him to leave her for this, just to clarify. I came later, she was first. That would be an awful thing for me to wish for.

I don't really want the white picket fence where everything is traditional, I mean we are already breaking that. Marraige has been discussed and he seems open to the idea, but I am not pushing for it now. It is more of an eventual thing, wondering if that was an option. He and his girlfriend are... well, when I say "girlfriend" they are obviously not married, not even engaged.

I suppose it would be weird if he married me (legally) and not her, and I don't expect that to happen. I also don't want to do anything either of them are uncomfortable with. I know it seems I want everything but I generally allow her precedence over myself unless it is urgent.

Our end goal is to all live together, and providing my health was good enough, children are also potentially on the table. He does not like the idea of my being involved with another man, so atm he is pretty open to discussing these things.

One thing that makes me a bit nervous is that Babs is infertile, I am not. So... if in the future we did, I can see her struggling with that like I am presently struggling with her family-accepted open girlfriend status.

Last edited by Mignonne; 08-13-2014 at 10:46 PM. Reason: I wanted to add more to my response to Kiss
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Old 08-14-2014, 12:12 AM
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Well, I think it is a complex situation, and you guys will just work things out a little at a time. The only regret I have about poly is that our society (in general) isn't ready to accept it yet. Heck people are still fighting over whether to accept same-sex marriages. Sad when people can't be happy for other people who love each other. It's like making the issue way more complicated than it has to be, you know?
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Old 08-14-2014, 02:51 AM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
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*I dream of being his wife, of having his children, and being a part of his family."

I met my partner after he had a wife and family. He wants me to have all of those things.
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Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:53 AM
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Mignonne Mignonne is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Well, I think it is a complex situation, and you guys will just work things out a little at a time. The only regret I have about poly is that our society (in general) isn't ready to accept it yet. Heck people are still fighting over whether to accept same-sex marriages. Sad when people can't be happy for other people who love each other. It's like making the issue way more complicated than it has to be, you know?
Yes, I think if it was accepted I would be having less of an internal struggle. The road to equal rights for monogamous LBGT has come a long way, and I am glad for that. But It is rare I have ever seen anything on the polyamory (gamy/andry) front. The last thing I saw was an overturn in Utah (?) where it was ruled that cohabitation did not break the law.

I am unaware if there is a movement for us otherwise; it has been a long time since I have been in a poly relationship.

I don't worry about us getting in trouble, even if I have his children and we have a wedding (just not on paper). He did tell me something rather comforting, that he thinks of me as equal to Babs, and there was no primary (to him). I am not sure what she feels but it was really reassuring to know that though I am a couple years behind I'm reaching equal status.

I still wish I could be a part of his family, but that would be pretty pie in the sky. One can always dream, might as well dream big.
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Old 08-14-2014, 04:33 PM
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Conservative people do sometimes surprise us in how accpeting they can be about poly. I know of many cases where it's happened.
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