Telling teen and children I'm poly, but had bad divorce with their dad

Jaytree

New member
It's a messy past with their dad (divorced for a number of years now) and there is still some tension and my oldest (14) tells me their dad still bad mouths me from time to time. I have always been so careful to not say anything bad about him in front of the kids.

But, now I find myself poly and in two poly relationships. In the somewhat near future I would love for my kids to meet the two men I am dating. I know I can just introduce them as 'friends' but my oldest asks a lot of questions and is particularly concerned about me dating. And I don't have any male friends. If he asks questions about my relationship to these men and I've introduced them as 'friends', do I lie to him? Like if he asks straight out, "Are you dating S?" He will certainly take any ambivalent or deviant answer as a yes.

I also want them to grow up open to the idea of alternative relationship possibilities. So I want to be able to model this. I do want these men in their lives, too, since I feel they (the men, and their families) would really enrich their lives. I would love to be able to have them all and their families (primary partners and small kids) for our big holiday dinner in December, for example.

The perhaps most difficult part is that my kids' dad will most certainly ask them questions if he gets an idea that I'm dating someone. He grills them for information. If he finds out that I'm poly, that could really upset him and he might challenge my parenting saying he doesn't want the kids to be around that. We have very different ways of seeing life and the world! Lately, thankfully, tensions have eased a fair amount but I still don't trust him and I know he is very simple and rigid when it comes to anything alternative. So I fear the likelihood of him bashing both me and polyamory to the kids.

Must I just keep it all to myself for the sake of the kids? That feels so utterly depressing and against some of the best aspects of polyamory (having more loving people around the kids, enjoying a big network of loved ones, thinking and living positively beyond norms).
 
I've been in a similar situation with Alt and Country's father. I didn't even tell Country I'm polyamorous until June of this year, because their father has badmouthed me quite a bit, including frequent accusations that I cheated on him during our marriage (I didn't, not even close), and Country is closer to him than Alt and sometimes will spew out something to him that I don't want him to know when she's angry with me.

Given that their father once threatened to take the kids away from me because *I* was vegetarian (yes, really), I didn't want to see what he would do if he learned that I was polyamorous, let alone in a relationship with someone other than Hubby. I finally told Country because we were having a discussion about various sexual and romantic orientations, and polyamory came up as part of that. She'd asked Alt a few times if S2 (my previous boyfriend) and I were really "just friends", so I figured it was time to come clean. Ironically, that was just a couple of days before S2 decided we *weren't* in a relationship anymore but in some weird limbo of "we aren't together but we haven't broken up." (And then 2 months later, he finalized the breakup...)

Which is beside the point...

If you're afraid of what your ex will do if he learns that you're dating polyamorously, you have a few choices that I can see. Keep the information from your kids. Tell your kids and tell them not to tell their dad. Tell your kids, let them know you're worried about what their dad will think, and then let it go and see what happens.

I wouldn't advise lying to your kids, or even keeping the truth from them, based on what you've said. Especially with your oldest. I also wouldn't recommend asking your kids to keep the information from their dad if he asks, since that might put them in the position of having to lie to him.

If you see your two guys as an ongoing part of your life and the kids' lives, to the point of having the families involved with each other, I think you have to be honest with the kids. Explain to them who the guys are to you. Give an age-appropriate explanation of polyamory, and maybe include that polyamory means everyone is honest with each other and agrees about what's happening, since poly is sometimes conflated with cheating. And, again age-appropriately, without expressing any fear of their dad taking them away from you (because that would make them afraid), and emphasizing that you aren't asking them to be dishonest with their dad, maybe just point out to them that he isn't always open-minded about different types of relationships and might not understand yours.

As for their dad bashing you and polyamory... Kids aren't stupid. They live with you. They see what type of person you are. They see that you *don't* speak against their father or grill them about him, while he *does* badmouth you. They aren't going to necessarily listen to his bashing just because he's doing it, if they're seeing and experiencing differently with you than what he's saying. My kids heard what their father said against me--and still sometimes does say, though he's backed off considerably in the past couple of years for a few reasons--but they also saw for themselves that most of the things he was saying weren't even true, but were just part of his anger and paranoia. They hated hearing those things, but hearing them didn't affect the kids' opinions of me. So honestly... what their dad rants about you to them isn't relevant to how you choose to raise them and what you choose to teach them, unless he's flat out threatening to sue for custody. All the rest is just BS blather.
 
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I think you could have a talk with your 14 year old about setting healthy boundaries in his relationship with his Dad. If Dad is using him to ask personal questions about Mom (you) that is called fishing. You could explain that behavior makes you uncomfortable because you don't like your kid being put in the middle. Ask if son if he enjoys this? (He will probably say it makes him uncomfortable. ) Ask if he's every experienced it himself or seen it elsewhere like with schoolmates. (Probably will say yes.)

Tell your son that he could tell Dad ("Dad, this behavior makes me uncomfortable. You could ask mom your questions directly. If she's willing to share or not -- that's up to her. But please don't put me in the middle. Please respect my limits." That is his relationship with his father than he has to learn to manage. He is allowed to tell his father "no" respectfully.

As far as your own relationship with your son, you can be honest that you are dating. Even poly dating. That you hope your son can accept your dating life belongs to you and be respectful of it. Just as you hope to do same for son when he starts dating and he has a dating life.

You can tell son that you will not bad mouth Dad as a person, because you respect that son has a relationship with him. But you will point out poor behavior choices in people around you because your job is to help guide son in life. You do not want son choosing poor behavior like putting people in the middle. And in this case, Dad is the one putting son in the middle. That's not a good behavior choice.

Son needs to be able to speak up and say no. Next time it might be a friend trying to put him in the middle or a coworker in future or something. You want son to have good boundary skills and know how to get himself out of that situation.

So I fear the likelihood of him bashing both me and polyamory to the kids.

The solution to that is to beat him to the punch. Something like....

"Kids, some people do not like me. Some people do not like polyamory. Some don't like chocolate and some don't like snow. It takes all kinds in this world and it's ok to pick what you like for you. It is not ok to be pushing what you like on to others.

You can form your own opinions about me. And form your own preferences for how you want to be dating. I would appreciate it that if Dad asks you things about my dating life, that you tell him to ask me directly and not be putting you in the middle fishing for information. That's not respectful of me and it is not treating you guys well. Nobody likes to be put in the middle of their parents."

Model being straight up and honest like you want to be. Parent your kid. It will be ok.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Jaytree,

You were saying how your kids are pretty smart, and how if you don't tell them about the poly, they're likely to figure it out on their own. That being the case, it seems the logical thing to do is to tell them.

If their dad's going to act like a jerk about it, I guess that's a bridge you'll have to cross when you get to it. If you're lucky your kids won't tell him ... but you can't count on that. :(

Keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yes, I guess it does seem like there really is only one thing to do.

KC43 - my exh also threatened to take the kids from me - because I was supposedly a weak parent. I was actually just an abused wife (this was found to be true in all the court stuff). He was also physically abusive to our oldest son when he was younger, which means that he is very scared of his dad. But he (exh) is much better, thankfully, and the kids seem to have adjusted ok to being with him 50%. Nonetheless my oldest is not quite ready to stand up to his dad yet. He will get there!

I don't think exh would try to take the kids away again and he probably couldn't anyway because of the damning information about him filed in court. So that doesn't have to be a real concern, but it is in the back of my mind. I have promised my children that there are no secrets at my house because secrets hurts. So I wouldn't ever ask them to not tell their dad, but that is good advice that I can explain to them that he might not react well.

I agree, I must model being the kind of adult I want them to become... honest, open, loving. Thank you all for your input!
 
Jaytree, my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and Alt, so I understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately, because it was verbal and emotional, I *didn't* use it in court, because there was no way to prove it. I'm sorry you and your oldest had to go through that. I'm glad your ex has improved (mine has too, now that he's on meds for mental illnesses and is married to a woman who won't take his shit), but I can definitely see why his past behavior would make it more difficult for you and your kids in a situation like this.

Just trust yourself. You're doing what you believe is right for you and your children, and you're teaching them strength and resilience just by having gotten out of that marriage.
 
Hi, Jaytree!

I read your opening post and wanted to reply, but I see that KC43 and GalaGirl have beaten me to it, saying just about everything that I would have... except maybe not this strongly:

NEVER, EVER lie to your children unless it's absolutely necessary! Even kids that aren't very smart - and yours are - can pick up on it when you lie. And even if they don't at the time, they might find out the truth later. And who's going to trust 100% a mother who's lied to them?

Withholding the truth is often called "lying by omission". Not as wrong - and not as dangerous - as out-and-out telling a lie.

I've never been involved in a messy divorce. But I'd have thought that the only danger that you might run would be your ex finding a conservative judge who agreed that your being poly might harm the children.

In your case, the former abuse actually works FOR you, because no judge with half a brain is going to take children from a poly mother and give them to an abusive father.

Your children LIKE you? (I ask because it's not always the case.) They LOVE you? You shouldn't put guilt on them by asking them to lie to their father. But you can reaffirm to them how important they are to you, how much you NEED them, by asking them to face a possibly hostile society and its stupid prejudices side-by-side with you... and never to lose faith that they are the most important people in your life.

Have a REALLY nice extended-family bash in December!

p.s. Are your children creative? Tell them that we at La Gr@not@ would LOVE to get a child's eye-view of finding out about and coming to terms with their mother's polyamory. If they want to write a diary of the ups and downs (and it can be multi-narrated), we would be SERIOUSLY interested. See Want to write and/or illustrate a polyamorous book for children?
 
Thank you both!!

Yes, my children love me and like me :) We have very close relationships, especially with my oldest but he is the most emotionally tumultuous. We also live in a very liberal city in Canada, which makes me feel supported generally.

And I would never lie to the children, I suggested that rhetorically. Their dad tells them things for convenience sake, just to keep them happy in the moment but I have taken a strong stance against that because I want my kids to be able to trust me and trust what I tell them. I know I'm their emotional rock and I don't want to jeopardize losing their trust. My whole childhood was cloaked in secrets and lies and I've spent a good decade in therapy working against that so NO LIES and NO SECRETS! :)

I've been thinking more about this. I think what I'm going to begin doing is simply introducing them to the idea of polyamory, without telling them about my experiences. So when I do tell them they won't be completely disoriented.

My kids' kindergarten teacher is still at their school and she is a lesbian. She is the lead person in the school board's anti-bullying program and is particularly sensitive to trans students - so very open-minded. She teaches her students about different kinds of families (two dads, two moms, multi-race, single parents), but not poly families. I'm going to make a meeting with her and talk to her about it. I want to see if she has encountered students in poly families and what their experiences have been in terms of bullying and talking about it. I also want to advocate for her to broaden her teaching, although she is already met with some resistance for her teaching about 'different' families.

MrFarFromRight - I love the publishing idea! So great! I took a look at the website. So interesting.

Thank you!
 
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Check the laws, news, and precedents in your state. Children have been taken from a parent who is poly before - and I think I've heard of a case recently. This may need a lawyer's opinion, since your ex could be unreasonable, and if he makes a complaint to social services, it will have to be investigated.

However, it is probably acceptable to be dating more than one person - so you could explain things that way, even if it is only part of the truth.
 
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