When do you tell someone you are interested in that you are poly?

Wait, did you have a convo with her about not being exclusive or did you let her infer wahtever she inferred? I think most women would be utterly confused and wary if they just "witnessed" and didn't get any explanation. I know I would and I'm poly!

It did come up briefly in a prior conversation, but not a full on explanation of my "polyness". The way I look at it is if she was truly interested she could just ask. If not, oh well. Dating monogamous vanilla women is not high on my list of priorities right now.
 
The way I look at it is if she was truly interested she could just ask. If not, oh well.

Please tell me you are not serious. How can you toy with people like this, even if they are "monogamous vanilla women" not high on your list of priorities? They are human beings for god's sake. Puke. You led her to believe that you were interested, then just turned around and took up with someone else, leaving her to have shitty feelings because her kind is not high on your list of priorities? In what universe you think this is OK? That's despicable. Of course she didn't text you after that! What self respecting woman would want to have anything to do with you after that kind of treatment?
 
Last edited:
You led her to believe that you were interested, then just turned around and took up with someone else, leaving her to have shitty feelings because her kind is not high on your list of priorities?

We have no idea whether she had shitty feelings about this or not - to me that's quite a leap. More likely she thought he was overly flirty and/or cheating on his partner. Why assume she's been messed around here?

For what it's worth, I do think it's better to be more explicit about things if you are hoping to attract a new relationship, but at the same time, if you dropped a few hints that you were available for something more than friendship and they were not followed up on, then I'd say that's fair enough. She probably wasn't interested in you, so no harm done there. Of course, as I said above, she might still have an ambiguity in her mind about whether you are a cheater, but it doesn't always matter what other people think of us - if she ever wants to get to the bottom of the situation with you, she can ask you. If she'd rather jump to her own conclusions and/or let that influence her opinion of you, she's free to do that too.
 
I live in a small city which is also recognized as more liberal and progressive than most its size, with lots of "culture". Still, most people I encounter don't know about polyamory.

In my experience, dates of any kind rarely lead to any kind of ongoing relationship, platonic or romantic. So I tend to avoid "dates" where there is some sort of expectation that I'd have to divulge all of the details of my life before even sitting down for coffee or tea with a person.

Now, if I've "met" someone on the internet, with "dating" in mind, I'm likely to say something about my having a partner of many years and yet I'm open to all kinds of relationships with people ... and it wouldn't involve sneaking around, lying or cheating.

I've discovered that while love comes naturally and relatively easily for me, it's certainly not the case for everyone! And when I say "love" I mean both platonic and "romantic". Surely there's no reason to tell anyone I may have coffee with (or tea, or whatever) that I'm polyamorous?! They would likely say... "Poly What?"
 
if you dropped a few hints that you were available for something more than friendship and they were not followed up on, then I'd say that's fair enough. ...

Not sure if you read his follow up:


It turned out she had one digit of my number wrong and thought I hadn't answered her text. I gave her the right number again. As we were walking back in she asked if I wanted to hear from her. I said yes. ....


It's not OK to lead someone to believe you're interested, then go off with another with no explanation at all, not bothering because her "type" of person is not a priority.
 
It's not OK to lead someone to believe you're interested, then go off with another with no explanation at all, not bothering because her "type" of person is not a priority.

Maybe vinsanity will clear this up, but that wasn't my interpretation of events at all. He bumped into this person whilst already out with another. Would it have been more appropriate to tell his other date, Elle, to go home because he'd just caught up with someone he gave a number to? Or was he obliged to introduce them and explain all? :confused: When I bump into an acquaintance randomly, I don't expect to be invited to tag along for the rest of the evening. She left with his (correct) number. Ball in her court, I'd say.
 
Last edited:
Maybe vinsanity will clear this up, but that wasn't my interpretation of events at all. He bumped into this person whilst already out with another. Would it have been more appropriate to tell his other date to go home because he'd just caught up with someone he gave a number to? :confused:

No, it would have been appropriate to follow up with the "vanilla" woman, taking the initiative afterward - not shrug her off because she's just a low prioroty kind of person. Of course she didn't text him. She saw him go right to another woman after offering his number to her, which would be weird and alarming for most women to see. Actually on second thought, far from "shitty," I'm sure she felt relieved not to have gotten mixed up with him.
 
Last edited:
No, it would have been appropriate to follow up with the "vanilla" woman, taking the initiative afterward - not shrug her off because she's just a low prioroty kind of person. Of course she didn't text him. She saw him go right to another woman after offering his number to her, which would be weird and alarming for most women to see. Actually on second thought, far from "shitty," I'm sure she felt relieved not to have gotten mixed up with him.

You're still assuming things we don't know - for instance, that vinsanity also has her number and CAN follow up, and also that his opinion of her and his level of interest (the level of priority he gave her) hasn't changed in response to HER lack of contact and his perceiving of her disapproving of his polyamory. Fact is, the whole 'I must have miswrote your number down, want to give it to me again' line? Yeah. Not ashamed to admit I've used that one before when I wasn't really interested (sorry vinsanity, in case you hadn't considered that option!). I don't see anything more going on here than two people who feel a bit ambivalent about each other but are being polite about it. Happens every Friday/Saturday night of the week, all over the world.

As for it being weird and alarming to see a man who gives his number to you to then go off with another woman? I disagree. You seem to see it as humiliating or something. I mean, maybe this is a US/Europe cultural difference, but flirting and the exchanging of numbers can happen really easily. It doesn't have major significance, and just having a brief moment before going your separate ways on a night out is certainly not something you'd find upsetting or demeaning. Elle could have just been his friend. And even if they were making out ten minutes later and she saw that, it's still not as big a deal as you seem to think it is. As I said in my first post, chances are she just concluded he was a bit of a player and wasn't interested.
 
Please tell me you are not serious. How can you toy with people like this, even if they are "monogamous vanilla women" not high on your list of priorities? They are human beings for god's sake. Puke. You led her to believe that you were interested, then just turned around and took up with someone else, leaving her to have shitty feelings because her kind is not high on your list of priorities? In what universe you think this is OK? That's despicable. Of course she didn't text you after that! What self respecting woman would want to have anything to do with you after that kind of treatment?

Let me put things in perspective for you.

She hit on me, not the other way around. I haven't shown any interest beyond maybe having a couple drinks with her sometime. I am not toying with her. We don't even know each other. When I say she is not a priority that means that I am not pursuing her. Sure, I'll meet her for drinks if she'd like. That would be when I tell her about me being poly. We haven't spent enough time together to get into any deep discussion. Maybe 20 minutes at a table full of people and our five minute conversation.

She was leaving. I was there with somebody else. If she was staying I most likely would have invited her to join us. It's not like she and I were hanging out and I wandered off because someone else came in. In that regard it would have been kind of shitty to do that to Elle.

Keep in mind that we are all adults here. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone to ask me a question instead of jumping to a conclusion. She knows I date, even if she doesn't know yet that I have actual relationships.

I take her not calling as a sign that maybe she doesn't want to go out with a guy who has female friends. I guess it's possible that she thinks I'm a cheater or something, but that would be her coming to a wrong conclusion. I could have just as easily been sitting with one of my female friends there that I haven't slept with.

Perhaps we will run into each other again, or not. I'm not obligated to go out with every girl that hits on me in a bar. I don't owe her anything. Like I said, we are basically strangers.
 
I'm not obligated to go out with every girl that hits on me in a bar.

I had the impression it was the other way around. Of course, nobody is ever under any obligation to go out with anyone. Honestly, it was the "she's a low priority vanilla mono" remark that really rubbed me the wrong way. Thanks for explaining. I admit that I totally flew off the handle.
 
I had the impression it was the other way around. Of course, nobody is ever under any obligation to go out with anyone. Honestly, it was the "she's a low priority vanilla mono" remark that really rubbed me the wrong way. Thanks for explaining. I admit that I totally flew off the handle.

No problem. I fully admit that I often don't explain things well.
 
Back
Top