dingedheart
Well-known member
From the time line you provided it looks like your wife stepped out of your marriage a while back ....so you have to deal with an affair, betrayal, broken trust. Mourn the loss of your father. ( very sorry for your loss by the way ) and then on top if it be left to grieve on your own with little or no support from her even upon request which must have felt like another betrayal after helping her through her losing a loved one. I'm sorry I dont give a shit about the everyone grieves differently crap. There is such a thing as decency....I don't like funerals ...I hate speaking at funerals and yet I have to do it ....I do it for other people. Certain things you don't forget ...this will be one of those.
And then mourn the loss of marriage after you get hit with the poly bomb.
Then after a short time you an issue ultimatum and have it go your way yet not feel great about it. I'm not surprised. I'm surprised that anyone would think otherwise.
Having the poly anvil dropped on my head as well I might have a little different perspective than my fellow members as to why that is.
First off ...from the quick reading of this thread I didn't see anywhere that the 2 of you were in counseling together to heal the marriage is that true. And why ?
And what's been her solution to make things better ?? Yours was get rid of the guy what has she put on the table to be a contributing partner ?
I think actions and history speak louder than some words and agreements and I think that's where your head goes. Are we ( you ) having conflict form what your gut is telling you from what your head is saying?
Her " picking you " is a false comfort because we all know people make decisions based on a long list of other things than love and affection. Lifestyle, kids, house, history, etc etc all factor into someone getting divorced. The betrayal makes this way less clear.
Also and you may not want to ask this because you might not like the answer but the love question ......love ...or in love. You might get I still love you ...or I love you very much however the other part is omitted .....I love you very much but I'm just not in love with you ...or something very similar.
Her declaration of being poly casts doubt about when and where this will pop up again. Again gut feeling vs head.
The stunning revelation or realization that you didn't know you spouse as good as you thought you did.....which throws everything else into to question.
I think you were living in poly hell way before the poly bomb was even dropped on you. Demotion, displacement and definitely intrusion. As the author who coined the phrase has said its not a matter of if it will happen it's a matter of how much demotion, displacement and intrusion.
I use to caution all the lurkers and newbies that risks are very high and that you can't unring bells and right now that's what you're trying to do
And then mourn the loss of marriage after you get hit with the poly bomb.
Then after a short time you an issue ultimatum and have it go your way yet not feel great about it. I'm not surprised. I'm surprised that anyone would think otherwise.
Having the poly anvil dropped on my head as well I might have a little different perspective than my fellow members as to why that is.
First off ...from the quick reading of this thread I didn't see anywhere that the 2 of you were in counseling together to heal the marriage is that true. And why ?
And what's been her solution to make things better ?? Yours was get rid of the guy what has she put on the table to be a contributing partner ?
I think actions and history speak louder than some words and agreements and I think that's where your head goes. Are we ( you ) having conflict form what your gut is telling you from what your head is saying?
Her " picking you " is a false comfort because we all know people make decisions based on a long list of other things than love and affection. Lifestyle, kids, house, history, etc etc all factor into someone getting divorced. The betrayal makes this way less clear.
Also and you may not want to ask this because you might not like the answer but the love question ......love ...or in love. You might get I still love you ...or I love you very much however the other part is omitted .....I love you very much but I'm just not in love with you ...or something very similar.
Her declaration of being poly casts doubt about when and where this will pop up again. Again gut feeling vs head.
The stunning revelation or realization that you didn't know you spouse as good as you thought you did.....which throws everything else into to question.
I think you were living in poly hell way before the poly bomb was even dropped on you. Demotion, displacement and definitely intrusion. As the author who coined the phrase has said its not a matter of if it will happen it's a matter of how much demotion, displacement and intrusion.
I use to caution all the lurkers and newbies that risks are very high and that you can't unring bells and right now that's what you're trying to do