Having too much trouble letting go of the past

From the time line you provided it looks like your wife stepped out of your marriage a while back ....so you have to deal with an affair, betrayal, broken trust. Mourn the loss of your father. ( very sorry for your loss by the way ) and then on top if it be left to grieve on your own with little or no support from her even upon request which must have felt like another betrayal after helping her through her losing a loved one. I'm sorry I dont give a shit about the everyone grieves differently crap. There is such a thing as decency....I don't like funerals ...I hate speaking at funerals and yet I have to do it ....I do it for other people. Certain things you don't forget ...this will be one of those.


And then mourn the loss of marriage after you get hit with the poly bomb.
Then after a short time you an issue ultimatum and have it go your way yet not feel great about it. I'm not surprised. I'm surprised that anyone would think otherwise.

Having the poly anvil dropped on my head as well I might have a little different perspective than my fellow members as to why that is.

First off ...from the quick reading of this thread I didn't see anywhere that the 2 of you were in counseling together to heal the marriage is that true. And why ?
And what's been her solution to make things better ?? Yours was get rid of the guy what has she put on the table to be a contributing partner ?

I think actions and history speak louder than some words and agreements and I think that's where your head goes. Are we ( you ) having conflict form what your gut is telling you from what your head is saying?

Her " picking you " is a false comfort because we all know people make decisions based on a long list of other things than love and affection. Lifestyle, kids, house, history, etc etc all factor into someone getting divorced. The betrayal makes this way less clear.

Also and you may not want to ask this because you might not like the answer but the love question ......love ...or in love. You might get I still love you ...or I love you very much however the other part is omitted .....I love you very much but I'm just not in love with you ...or something very similar.


Her declaration of being poly casts doubt about when and where this will pop up again. Again gut feeling vs head.



The stunning revelation or realization that you didn't know you spouse as good as you thought you did.....which throws everything else into to question.


I think you were living in poly hell way before the poly bomb was even dropped on you. Demotion, displacement and definitely intrusion. As the author who coined the phrase has said its not a matter of if it will happen it's a matter of how much demotion, displacement and intrusion.


I use to caution all the lurkers and newbies that risks are very high and that you can't unring bells and right now that's what you're trying to do
 
Thank you everyone for the replies. I'll try to address as many of the questions as possible.

First off. No, we're not in counseling together. Individually, yes, but I had brought it up before, however, she rejected the idea based on her idea that she was concerned that couples therapists can tend to side with one over the other. That being said, she had expressed a willingness when her therapist offered up the possibility to see us both, and I accepted. I don't have the same concerns that she does, even with her therapist. I feel that once I can explain where I'm coming from, it shouldn't be tough to understand why I've felt the way I did.

Mourning my dad didn't take as long as I thought it might. Perhaps, because his death was expected. I brought this up in therapy early on, and it was suggested (and makes sense), that when someone passes away from an illness that's anticipated, the grieving actually begins before he/she is gone.

And yes, while it feels better that she "chose" me over him, it's not as comforting as people are telling me it is. When the fact that he lives 3000 miles away, where she has no other friends of family, to choose a 32 year old with only a part time job, who lives with his mother and grandmother, gives her no benefit. However, I will admit, that there's a bit of comfort in knowing that she wasn't so enamored with him, that she was willing to look past all of that and still choose him (if that makes sense). She once told me that she knows what she has here. And that some people would kill for the life that she has. A statement that was both concerning, and comforting at the same time. But truth be told, I was NEVER worried that she'd pack up & hop the next flight out to New Jersey. I was - however - concerned that he would continue to reap the benefits of her time, love & affection, while I was to remain the human wallet to put a roof over her head & feed her. As far as I'm concerned, there NEVER should have been the need to choose in the first place.

In all fairness to her, she's definitely been more engaged in our marriage. She's been far more affectionate when we're together, and she's been much more communicative as of late. Right now though, we've just made it a point to keep this topic off the table for a while.

And I think that the poly revelation is one of those things that cast uncertainty. Ok, so this guy is gone... How soon until we're having this conversation about someone else? Or worse, how soon until I'm suspecting that it's happening all over again with someone (whomever), but based on how terribly things went this time, it remains an untouchable conversation?

It's true, that she definitely has her own load to digest. We each have ourselves to work on. I just fear that, without proper structure/communication, our efforts might take us down different avenues & risk making things worse. She's being told (so she says) by her therapist, not to sacrifice or deny who she is as a result. Which is definitely not what I'm attempting to do. If she's deep down poly, then we'll find a way to work with that. But, being poly, and accepting that, doesn't mean that I'm going to be willing to let her act on it - physically, or emotionally - with other people. The physical part, she assures me that she is 100% willing to adhere to. Granted, it did seem that she was - perhaps - a little disappointed that I would never be willing to let her sleep with someone else, but I drew comfort in the fact that she - at least - genuinely understood why, and said that she could never do something like that, because she knows how badly it would hurt me. Even if I were to give my blessing, she says that she never would because she knows that I'd only be doing so to appease her, and that it would still crush me (which is true). But the emotional intimacy, is something that I'm much more concerned with happening in the future.

As far as the apologies are concerned. It's kind of at this in between feeling, where, I can see why she was the way she was, and notice that she, at least apologized, but at the same time, it doesn't truly feel that she apologized for hurting me the way she did. I once told her that, no matter what type of relationship was going on, the undeniable fact, was that you left me high & dry to fend for myself when I needed you, while choosing to give almost all of your time & attention to someone else. In short, you put me on the back burner for months.

Fortunately now, I can talk about missing my dad to her, and she's much more receptive. In fact, I had a moment Friday evening where I told her that I had a bad afternoon because something reminded me of him, and I missed him. I think that she probably thought that this other topic was also something that was bothering me, but we didn't talk about that... Just my dad. In a way, it felt good to see her actually interested in being there for me. And I tried my best to not allow my mind to go down the wrong path where I thought things like - "this is how it should have been back then". For all I know, she might have been thinking the same thing. Maybe she genuinely does feel bad for going AWOL. She is human. She does have a heart. I know this.
 
Maybe some progress is being made?
 
Oh yes. Some progress is being made. It just seems like I'm in uncharted waters here, because up until day she broke the news, I felt confident that, no matter what, I'd never find myself in a legitimate competition with another person.

In the past, whenever I've that these mini "what if" moments where I doubted how she felt about me, or perhaps gotten "too close" with someone else, I'd always been proven that I was just imagining it. This time, however, my suspicions were more correct. I may be still imagining some of it, but there's so much of a gray area now, that I'm left wondering how far it really went on an emotional level.
 
Glad to hear there's some progress. And that you are moving toward (or already in?) couples therapy. And that she's more present.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Thank you. Not quite in the couples' therapy yet though. She says she's open to it, but so far, nothing scheduled. The progress is there, but so far, it's based solely on the ability to avoid the topic altogether. Not sure if that's the healthy way or not, but in doing so, it's been more peaceful than in recent months.
 
I think it is healthy. You guys sound like having a counselor present to help you to have the conversation constructively could be helpful. So waiting to do it then seems wise.

Galagirl
 
It might be that aside from the counseling that you're getting, you really just need time. As you can see, things are getting better. Time will tell you if her behavior change (no longer neglecting you) isn't just temporary. Time will allow you to worry and think about these things less and less. You can't expect to go from this life changing, mind blowing event that you dwelled on to everything being hunky dory in a few days, or even a few weeks. Be comforted that things have been better and that the relationship is moving in a positive direction and if it keeps going that way, I think you'll naturally just start to worry less and less.
 
That's true. One great thing, is that I don't have the same insomnia issues that I had. I used to struggle with 3-5 hours of sleep at night, and sometimes, go 40+ hours with no sleep at all. Now, I'm getting close to 8 hours. Same with my appetite. Previously, I was going 1 1/2- 2 days between putting a bite of anything in my mouth, and on the days I would eat, I'd have a small meal just to keep everyone around me from making a big deal out of it, but still wasn't hungry. Now, I do eat daily - granted - not very much, just dinner in the evening, but it's something.

I don't doubt her ability to move forward from this. She's actually had this incredible ability to overcome bad circumstances for as long as I've known her... But my guard, regarding her getting close with other people will be up for quite some time I think. I guess the next family tragedy will be the test as to whether or not she can remain engaged and provide the support I might need. But who knows when that'll be?
 
Not for a long time, we hope ...
 
First I'm unsure of whether your wife will be able to obliterate every trace of polyamory from her mind. And even if she can, you're still stuck with feelings of betrayal and an inability to let go of the past. You mentioned that your wife is a stranger to you now. Can a happy marriage stem from this state of affairs?
...

Polyamory isn't a well-known phenomenon.

My reading of this is that a woman had at the least an emotional affair, and covered it by announcing she's 'poly.' This isn't about poly, it's about a woman who deceived, lied, and betrayed.

In the wake of infidelity (which emotional affairs are, because they involve lying, hiding, and gaslighting), one should NOT 'let go of the past' until absolutely sure that 'the past' really IS 'the past,' and not merely more lying and deceptions.

Can a happy marriage come out of this? Yes, IF the wife decides to be truthful, remorseful for the pain she's caused, and henceforth honor the promises she made. If she chooses to do as she pleases regardless of the pain she causes another, no. The point being: it's always a choice, isn't it. And this choice is on her.

OP, I 100% agree with your philosophy. I never would have done anything to hurt my husband, and anything I found was hurting him, I stopped, because marriage is about two people caring for and taking care of one another, lifting one another up. Saying 'But I'm poly!' doesn't change that. We can control our behavior, end of story, regardless of what we feel for the hot guy next door.
 
My reading of this is that a woman had at the least an emotional affair, and covered it by announcing she's 'poly.' This isn't about poly, it's about a woman who deceived, lied, and betrayed.

In the wake of infidelity (which emotional affairs are, because they involve lying, hiding, and gaslighting), one should NOT 'let go of the past' until absolutely sure that 'the past' really IS 'the past,' and not merely more lying and deceptions.

Can a happy marriage come out of this? Yes, IF the wife decides to be truthful, remorseful for the pain she's caused, and henceforth honor the promises she made. If she chooses to do as she pleases regardless of the pain she causes another, no. The point being: it's always a choice, isn't it. And this choice is on her.

OP, I 100% agree with your philosophy. I never would have done anything to hurt my husband, and anything I found was hurting him, I stopped, because marriage is about two people caring for and taking care of one another, lifting one another up. Saying 'But I'm poly!' doesn't change that. We can control our behavior, end of story, regardless of what we feel for the hot guy next door.


Well said. Thank you.
 
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