in need of advice - financial issues

polygirl4347

New member
So the short story is my husband and I have been with a wonderful woman for a year and a half and she moved in with us a little over 4 months ago. We all consider ourselves married to each other and have comitted to one another completely. My husband and my "wife" are planning to have a baby together. But we are having money issues. My husband and I have a joint account that we added her to which she uses frequently. We also pay all the bills, mortgage, car payment, utilities, groceries. We discussed it before she moved in that we would pool our money together but now she refuses to do it. Sometimes it makes me feel like she is just wanting a free ride. And I hate to have thoughts like that because we both do love her completely. And I do feel like she loves us too. So what do I do?
 
Has she given reasons for her refusal?

You could always split all expenses three ways and see how that goes before any baby making. I'd definitely get this financial stuff sorted before the getting pregnant because that will make things harder to untangle if she does prove to just see this triad as a meal ticket. While she couldn't go after YOU for child support, she can go after your husband. And if your husband is a legal marriage partner to you it will still impact you while leaving you with no legal claim on their child.
 
Is she nervous about pooling the money, and than being screwed over, due to having less rights than you or he? I might suggest forming an LLC or some kind of legal contract to protect her in case of a breakup.
 
Thanks for the replies. I really don't know why she doesn't want to. After we put her name on the bank accounts, sh asked for voided check to get her check direct deposited and every time she gets paid she says something like "that's weird it didn't go into our account. I will have hr look into it.". And that's it. I don't know why she would be worried about getting screwed over. She has access to everything we have except a small savings account that is just mine. We have added her to everything of ours, we pay her car payment, auto insurance, health insurance, food, everything since she moved in because she she said and acted like she wanted to be our wife and have babies and be a family. I don't know whether to say something or just let it go?
 
If she is not putting money in the family pot why in the name that is holy are you paying her bills?

I bring something to the table besides my vagina and my sparkling personality to my marriages. I pay bills at both homes. Hell I work TWO full time jobs. (Over 70 hrs a week.)

You need to be sure this woman is looking for more than a meal ticket. Once she gets pregnant you are stuck with her until you die or if your marriage doesn't make it.
 
Just let it go?!? No. Ummmm no.
Sounds like she's hoping the NRE love sprinkles hold out long enough for he to baby up and have legal claim.
Unicorn? More like uniCON artist!
 
As I put it down in print and go back and read it I am astonished that we are doing this for this woman. It sounds crazy and ridiculous. I guess I just thought she would contribute like we all agreed to to begin with and that she would indeed fix whatever the dd issue was at her work. I feel like I should talk to my husband about this without her but I don't want her to think we are ganging up on her. I guess that is why its been sliding so long. And the baby talk has been increased dramatically over the last 2 months so I do want this to be resolved before baby makes 4. Do you think I should talk to her or we should?
 
I would talk to your husband first, but honestly I think it is wise for you guys to completely separate your finances for a while. You guys have already given her a show of good faith by giving her access to the account for quite some time without any contribution from her, as well as paying her bills, etc. Even if there really was a system glitch, she could still write a check or have the money transferred between accounts if she really wanted.

It doesn't seem unreasonable in light of the fact that she isn't contributing to the household pot that she should be paying all her own bills. If she can do that while having separate finances, then perhaps that can work for all of you.
 
I would detail everything out in writing first; how much you, he, and she put into the shared finances and what you all pay for. My met amour, in our quad situation, conveniently "forgot" all the money I contributed to the family over the years. And pretended that she put more in, even though she stopped contributing.

The girlfriend could just as easily forget about how you're making her car payments.
 
well if she's unwilling to pool finances I would take her off the bank account then I would give her a bill every month of her portion of the living expenses and have her pay it that way. There is no way in hell id give anyone a free ride
 
well if she's unwilling to pool finances I would take her off the bank account then I would give her a bill every month of her portion of the living expenses and have her pay it that way. There is no way in hell id give anyone a free ride

This. Chops and Xena basically treat their finances like a roommate situation and write checks for their half of the rent, utilities, etc. (my finances with Chops are different, but specific to our situation and work for us). You may want to start going that route.
 
Hi polygirl4347,

I know you are trying to be kind and fair to this woman who seems to you like a wonderful person. But you've got to be careful. You wouldn't believe how crafty some con artists can be. You could end up with broken hearts and robbed bank accounts. Protect yourselves, at least until you know more about this woman.

Tell her you've changed your minds about how you want to do finances and that she should keep her paychecks. Then remove her from your account. Ask her if she'd be willing to pay for her own part of the bills, and if she says "No," ask her why.

It's possible this is just a misunderstanding and she's just doing whatever's easiest without thinking about being responsible. Everyone has their little faults and this could be hers. But even then, she needs to be steered in the right direction of contributing her own fair share.

I hope my misgivings turn out to be overkill. :( Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all very much for your advice. I decided that I would speak to my husband about this and he agreed that we should bring it up because she told him that she gave me money every week. :eek: So at dinner, I brought the subject up because lying is not forgivable in my house. She first said in front of husband that she had been giving me money and I flat out called her out on it. And then it gets really good...she started crying and told him I was lying and she gave me every bit of money she had every week. I was shocked. Then it gets better...she asked my husband if he was going to let me talk to her like that? And when it was apparent he was staying out of it she says to me, well that's fine, WE want you to get your things and leave OUR house or THEY would call the police. And my husband just shook his head and asked me if I had gotten a background check on her before she moved in and she flipped out...after more ugliness, we had to put her out and are scrambling to cover our asses closing accounts and all that.

Very expensive lesson learned there. I am extremely relieved theres not a baby on the way tho.

Thank you for all your advice. I hate to think what else would have happened had this gone on longer...
 
Thank you all very much for your advice. I decided that I would speak to my husband about this and he agreed that we should bring it up because she told him that she gave me money every week. :eek: So at dinner, I brought the subject up because lying is not forgivable in my house. She first said in front of husband that she had been giving me money and I flat out called her out on it. And then it gets really good...she started crying and told him I was lying and she gave me every bit of money she had every week. I was shocked. Then it gets better...she asked my husband if he was going to let me talk to her like that? And when it was apparent he was staying out of it she says to me, well that's fine, WE want you to get your things and leave OUR house or THEY would call the police. And my husband just shook his head and asked me if I had gotten a background check on her before she moved in and she flipped out...after more ugliness, we had to put her out and are scrambling to cover our asses closing accounts and all that.

Very expensive lesson learned there. I am extremely relieved theres not a baby on the way tho.

Thank you for all your advice. I hate to think what else would have happened had this gone on longer...

Thank goodness it all came to head now. Wow the audacity!
 
I think you made the right move. It's hard for me to imagine someone not being able to remember where they'd been putting their own money; that would take a profound disconnect from reality. And then she makes a desperate bid at trumping your marriage using her "in" with hubby. [shudder] I think some people are actually addicted to the rush of the con game; that could be the case here. In any case, I think you made the right move.
 
Problem is that once you invited her to live there you can't just evict her with no notice. If she decides to fight it you could have some issues.
 
Wow, glad you are finding this out sooner rather than later. I hope things resolve quickly and cleanly for you and your husband.
 
Yeah, eviction will be the next battle. And it will be a battle.

In cases like this it's almost better to move out yourselves -- so that you can live somewhere without her knowing the address. Depends just how dark her underside is ...
 
Eviction laws depend on the state. Nonpayment in Nevada for example is dealt with swiftly and unceremoniously. California is a whole 'nother story.
 
I would definitely take steps to legally protect yourself.
 
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