Hello all,

Ashlyn

New member
I’m new and not very experienced with poly. I’m in a committed 11 year relationship that began as open, but has been practiced as mostly mono for a number of reasons. Recently we’ve been drawn to re-evaluating our reasons for acting basically mono all this time and are having some difficulties. I’m here hoping to learn from some happy poly people who have found ways to make it work.

Cheers
 
Hello and welcome! Mono is the "default" setting...open/poly requires an active decision. I hope that your time with us is productive.
 
Hi JaneQSmythe,

The active decision was made to be open from the start, (we didn’t really know about poly then) but we were just so focused on each other that others didn’t seem to appear on the radar I guess. Add to that the programming/conditioning from society that we should conform to a “normal” relationship style and you have the perfect recipe for poly couple masquerading as mono.

Thanks for the welcome. I’ve been reading a bunch of posts about other people’s experiences. To be honest it can get a little discouraging when a large portion of the posts I've read are people venting/asking for help with problems, (and here I am adding to that) but I realize that many successfully poly people probably don’t have the time to post too often with all of the love they have to share with all their dearests. ;)
 
I realize that many successfully poly people probably don’t have the time to post too often with all of the love they have to share with all their dearests. ;)

I'm in a pretty sweet situation right now but never write about it here - not because I don't have time, but because it's not all that interesting. I go to visit my friends and have a great time and that's that. Not really fodder for a good long conversation.
 
I'm in a pretty sweet situation right now but never write about it here - not because I don't have time, but because it's not all that interesting. I go to visit my friends and have a great time and that's that. Not really fodder for a good long conversation.

Hello HappilyFallenAngel,

I'm most interested in hearing about what has worked for others and I think what some people may consider uninteresting may be uplifting and inspiring for others.

Please don’t be alarmed if I proceed to check out a bunch of your previous posts.
 
Please don’t be alarmed if I proceed to check out a bunch of your previous posts.
I don't think I have any way of knowing you'd be doing this, but please enjoy. :)

Also, the "Life Stories & Blogs" section is a good place to get some long term positive perspectives.
 
I’m new and not very experienced with poly. I’m in a committed 11 year relationship that began as open, but has been practiced as mostly mono for a number of reasons. Recently we’ve been drawn to re-evaluating our reasons for acting basically mono all this time and are having some difficulties . . .

. . . we were just so focused on each other that others didn’t seem to appear on the radar I guess. Add to that the programming/conditioning from society that we should conform to a “normal” relationship style and you have the perfect recipe for poly couple masquerading as mono.

Are you both enthusiastic and interested in being poly/open, or is one of you hesitant? Is there a problem you've encountered that brought you two back to discussing polyamory again? Or is it that one or both of you feels like you have not been true to yourself to be living monogamously?

I am curious about the difficulties you mentioned - could you elaborate a bit?
 
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I don't think I have any way of knowing you'd be doing this, but please enjoy. :)

Also, the "Life Stories & Blogs" section is a good place to get some long term positive perspectives.

Don’t mind me; I’m just a tad socially awkward sometimes.

I’ll definitely check out some more of the "Life Stories & Blogs" section. I’ve been trying to only pick the most positive sounding entries, but have not been having the best of luck.
 
...
I’ll definitely check out some more of the "Life Stories & Blogs" section. I’ve been trying to only pick the most positive sounding entries, but have not been having the best of luck.

Feel free to read my blog(s) here. And you might want to check out the Success and Happiness thread,
 
Are you both enthusiastic and interested in being poly/open, or is one of you hesitant? Is there a problem you've encountered that brought you two back to discussing polyamory again? Or is it that one or both of you feels like you have not been true to yourself to be living monogamously?

I am curious about the difficulties you mentioned - could you elaborate a bit?

I’m working on writing my back story and am finding it difficult to keep it concise. I find that the details can greatly change how a situation is viewed.
A “brief” description is that we agreed to an open relationship from the start.
I believed that an open or poly relationship style made the most sense and would allow us both to remain happy as we grew in our relationship and as separate beings.
Neither of us was interested in pursuing other romantic or sexual relationships at the time so it was easy to see the benefit for both of us then.
My partner was very unhappy when I started actually acting on it. (Even though I took things VERY slowly)
After experiencing all the negative emotions that can be associated with poly he felt strongly that poly was wrong and went to great lengths to convince me of this. (I even believed some of his points were valid.) Simultaneously, he said he was feeling guilty for feeling jealous etc. and open to trying to work through things.
We tried to work through it and got to a point where he said he was alright with me having relationships with females only while he dealt with his issues.
Due to the difficulty I have finding/approaching bisexual/lesbian women this basically put us at a standstill.
He was happy that I was not getting male attention, but there was nothing happening on the female side of things to help make progress with his feelings of jealousy etc. We ended up being mono for many years because I was unable to find a girlfriend.
The past few years have been very tough on our relationship due to my school and work commitments.
He started to become more private and began to have emotionally intense online relationships. I gave him his space and privacy and was supportive of him meeting his needs this way.
He was able to open up to me to tell me about his online relationships and I noticed that he was becoming very attached very quickly and then things would fizzle. I spoke to him about this and voiced my concerns about the possibility of him hurting others this way.
He backed off on the intensity of the online relationships, but still maintains friendly and caring communication with some of these women.
He then turned his attention to a woman at work.
I was working crazy hours and understood his need to get attention that I was unable to give. Our relationship was suffering due to the stressful and demanding nature of my job. I would come home and vent as my only coping mechanism. This caused him to associate me with negativity and stress.
He convinced me to quit my job and pursue my dream of starting my own business. The soonest this may happen is about a year away and we decided that this year should be spent preparing for the transition. Quitting my job was very difficult for me because we had originally planned on having my job support us so he could go to school, and I have a strong need to feel independent. I’ve been off work for almost two months and I’m just beginning to pull myself from a relapse of depression that was triggered by me feeling that I was letting us down and giving up my independence.
I’m confident that I’m through the worst of it, although I’m finding it difficult to deal with him becoming quickly attached to this woman at work when I feel that the damage to our relationship has not been properly addressed first.
I’ve been doing that unhealthy co-dependent garbage and putting his needs and wants before my own. I’ve even been putting her feelings before my own to help facilitate the growth of their relationship.
I realized that no one is concerning themselves with my needs or feelings and that I need to make myself a priority.
I am happy that he’s happy, but I’m left feeling very insecure in our relationship and about our plans for the future. It’s making me feel jealous in ways that I never thought possible.
I’ve expressed to him my needs to help me feel more secure and safe in our relationship so that we can move forward.
Their relationship is moving forward very quickly and he’s quite deep in the NRE.
I’m afraid that with his lack of communication skills and poor awareness of the power of NRE that we will not be able to work through this. (He’s gotten used to having me put him first.)
It’s terrifying. Employment in my field only becomes available at certain times of the year and this is not one of them. I’d also have to move a considerable distance in order to gain worthwhile employment (again, due to the nature of my field). I feel trapped in the sense that I am not in a position of equal power to negotiate my needs with him.
I do feel that in order for me to deal with their NRE productively I need to be able to have my needs met. He is proving unable to contribute to this so I am certain that I will have to look elsewhere for fulfilling my needs. The problem is that he is still not comfortable with me seeking attention from men and I have yet to meet a woman to share myself with.
I don’t know how much I can reasonably expect from him. I don’t even know how much I can reasonably expect from myself in this situation. I love him very much, but I recognize that I need to have limits too.
I feel lost and only know how to deal with these issues by attempting to prepare myself for the worst case scenario.
 
Hi Ashlyn,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you realise that there's no difference to you adjusting to the possibility of him dating another woman, and him adjusting to the possibility of you dating another man. Fuck his sexist pride. We hear this all the time on the forum - men who are ok with their bi female partners having same-sex relationships, but terrified of another penis entering the mix - and honestly, it's not a concession you want to be making. As you've already observed, right now it's having the awesome-for-him/not-awesome-for-you effect of meaning he doesn't have to deal with any jealousy at all, because you're not meeting any women you want to form a relationship with, but in any case, being bi doesn't mean you want one of each - it just means you are open to a relationship with someone of either gender. If he can't wrap his head around the idea that your bisexual nature means you get the hots for men as well as women, then he's not exactly being supportive of your sexuality.

That aside, what concerns me most about your situation is the fact that you are rationalising his interest in his co-worker because you say you haven't been able to meet his needs; and furthermore, that you are resigned to looking elsewhere to get your own needs met because he's not holding up his end of your relationship due to NRE. I think for a very few couples, the idea of meeting needs outside of your relationship via polyamory works. But those typically tend to be when people have massive mis-matches in libido/interest in sex, or very specific kinks that cannot be explored within the current relationship dynamic. It sounds like you are feeling a bit lonely and unsupported within your relationship, and that's different. Adding extra partners to patch up bits that are missing from existing relationships is a recipe for disaster. I think you two need to be shoring up your relationship with each other right now, and whilst that's not impossible to do while he's seeing someone else, it does make it much harder.

Sorry if that sounds like a giant downer - and I may be massively off-base here and these could well be things you are openly communicating with one another about. Kudos for realising that it's time to put yourself first in your life! I do hope he is investing time into educating himself and researching poly situations as well as you, as that will make things much easier. If he's aware of the pitfalls other folk have made when caught up in the throws of NRE he will be in a better position to avoid them himself. Also, it wouldn't be a bad thing to get the perspective of other poly men who are in relationships with women who date men, so he can perhaps work through that particular insecurity.

Best of luck with it!
 
Hi Ashlyn,

I hope you realise that there's no difference to you adjusting to the possibility of him dating another woman, and him adjusting to the possibility of you dating another man. ... it's not a concession you want to be making.

I did agree to this concession on a temporary basis to allow him time to process his feelings about it. It’s now several years later and when I asked him about it he said that he is only able to process his negative feelings towards this when there are small amounts of controlled exposure that slowly increase with time. (He sees this as similar to working over a phobia.) This means that he has made no progress on his feelings towards me having the same freedoms he has.

That aside, what concerns me most about your situation is the fact that you are rationalising his interest in his co-worker because you say you haven't been able to meet his needs; and furthermore, that you are resigned to looking elsewhere to get your own needs met because he's not holding up his end of your relationship due to NRE.

I am the most concerned about this as well.

I think for a very few couples, the idea of meeting needs outside of your relationship via polyamory works.

I have repeatedly communicated with him that the “needs met elsewhere” model of poly isn’t what I believe will make me happy. He seems to think that’s the whole idea behind poly. I think it’s possible that he’s using it as an excuse to avoid the real issues,but I also realize that this style does work for some people.

It sounds like you are feeling a bit lonely and unsupported within your relationship, and that's different. Adding extra partners to patch up bits that are missing from existing relationships is a recipe for disaster. I think you two need to be shoring up your relationship with each other right now, and whilst that's not impossible to do while he's seeing someone else, it does make it much harder.

I’ve also talked to him about this and feel like the onus should be more on him to put in the extra effort. I have been trying to be the one to initiate us working on things, but he has repeatedly responded poorly and I I’ve found that hurtful.

I don’t think you’re off base, but I have been openly communicating all of my thoughts and feelings very freely. He has always found it very difficult to express his feelings, and right now I feel it’s worse than ever. To be fair to him he will at least take time to sit with me while I tell him how I feel. It’s difficult to tell if he can’t or just doesn’t want to express his feelings.

Yes, I am very lonely and do not feel supported, but I also don’t want charitable attention. If he doesn’t want to spend quality time with me then there’s no point in trying to force it.

Also, it wouldn't be a bad thing to get the perspective of other poly men who are in relationships with women who date men, so he can perhaps work through that particular insecurity.

Thanks, this is great advice. I talked to him today about looking into how other men in similar situations are able to process their feelings.
 
Greetings Ashlyn,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from Post #3):
"To be honest it can get a little discouraging when a large portion of the posts I've read are people venting/asking for help with problems, but I realize that many successfully poly people probably don't have the time to post too often with all of the love they have to share with all their dearests."

Check out Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness, you will get some encouragement from it. Also Life stories and blogs will give you a balanced look at both the pros and the cons. Don't give up on it; keep reading. My blog is pretty much a poly success story, so feel free to check that out.

Re (from Post #13):
"He is only able to process his negative feelings towards this when there are small amounts of controlled exposure that slowly increase with time."

Then, I would suggest chatting with a few men and/or exchanging emails with them online, then meeting with a few men for lunch or coffee, then going on a few dinner/movie dates with men, then visiting a man at his home, then kissing a man, etc. etc. so that your partner has a gradually-increasing amount of exposure to this phobia and can thereby work on it.

Those are my initial thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Then, I would suggest chatting with a few men and/or exchanging emails with them online, then meeting with a few men for lunch or coffee, then going on a few dinner/movie dates with men, then visiting a man at his home, then kissing a man, etc. etc. so that your partner has a gradually-increasing amount of exposure to this phobia and can thereby work on it.

Thanks kdt26417, I think my partner would really appreciate all of that.
 
Glad to offer a helpful suggestion.
 
After reading your posts, my conclusion is that the only thing left for you to do is to go ahead and date whomever you want -- even men!! -- and just tell him he's got to work it out for himself how to deal with it. He's been manipulating you and yanking your chain for far too long.
 
Thanks for your support nycindie.

He's been manipulating you and yanking your chain for far too long.

I don’t completely agree, but it’s productive to have another perspective on things.

It’s great to finally have somewhere I can communicate freely about my situation and get helpful advice and ideas on how to proceed.

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome.
 
I feel trapped in the sense that I am not in a position of equal power to negotiate my needs with him.

Really, there is no actual thing as a scale of "power" in your relationship, in that your abilities to gain insight, see things differently, make choices and changes are always available to you. "Who has more power" is just one story you keep telling yourself, not a fixed entity that you must submit to. When you change the story, change the way you see yourself, open to possibilities (as you're already doing here in this forum) you start changing the relationship, whether he is aware of this or not. You never have to negotiate needs and wants in order to gain access to your source of well being and have a better experience. Every time you look for a new, helpful perspective you are influencing your relationship in a way that feels more fulfilling for you. The degree to which you feel powerless is simply a result of the story you're telling yourself in any given moment and in any given moment, this story can change. With or without the perceived cooperation of others, our ability to influence relationships is immense, just by holding an improved perspective. Your well being and your ability to effect change is never dependent on someone else's willingness to grant your wishes.
 
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Really, there is no actual thing as a scale of "power" in your relationship, in that your abilities to gain insight, see things differently, make choices and changes are always available to you.

When I refer to a position of power I mean that he currently has a better set of choices with less severe consequences than I do due to our circumstances.

Your well being and your ability to affect change is never dependent on someone else's willingness to grant your wishes.

Thank you for the reminder. I was once very aligned with this core belief and lived my life accordingly. I lost part of myself in our relationship and am ready to begin to create my own happiness again. I know it will take time, but I seem to have lots of that lately.
 
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